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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24307132">Trouvaille</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aangxiety/pseuds/aangxiety'>aangxiety</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abandonment, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Betrayal, Biracial Character, Childhood Trauma, Death, Depression, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Issues, Fire Nation (Avatar), Flirting, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Intrusive Thoughts, Kidnapping, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Scars, Secrets, Sex, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Tea, Tension, The Dai Li (Avatar), Undercover Missions, Unresolved Tension, Violence, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, jin is different, lee and mushi, switching point of view</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:07:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>136,467</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24307132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aangxiety/pseuds/aangxiety</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Trouvaille (n): a chance encounter with something or someone wonderful</p><p>Y/N is the adoptive daughter of the head of the largest Triad in Ba Sing Se, spending her nights fighting against the Dai Li. She lived a somewhat boring life during the day, going out to tea with her friend Jin nearly every other day. Things were normal until the Pao Family Tea Shop got two new waiters. I guess you could say everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.</p><p>TW// lots of heavy topics throughout this piece, please read the tags so if you're sensitive to this I'd advise you not to read</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jet/ Jin, Zuko (Avatar)/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. "The tea there is the best in the city"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first work on AO3 after years of being off so please don't judge me too hard. I'm also a perfectionist so don't be surprised if it gets frequently edited :P</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I don’t really want to remember what happened. Life is just easier to move on and forget the past. That’s how I found myself as one of the heirs to the Triad of Ba Sing Se, led by my adoptive father. Surprisingly, I haven’t been arrested or exposed yet and I don’t plan to. I mean, who really wants any of that? It’s just a stall, it’s not like I’m going to emerge as a reformed person that’s learned from her sins. To most of my mutual friends by association, I’m a quiet person that doesn’t really care much for social interactions which is true. But there’s a lot those friends don’t know about me and it should stay that way. Lying is not ideal, but some things you just can’t share. Like revealing to a group of sheltered non-benders that I’m a fire bender. </p><p>My father, Qin Maou, is the head of the Triad even in his old age; he facilitates all the action and keeps track of all of our business. It’s mostly weapons and illegal substances that are getting exchanged, but there’s been more than a couple of instances where his gang has been used as hired hitmen. We usually target our attacks against the Dai Li, that isn’t to say we like the Earth Kingdom and want to eliminate the corruption, but they’re starting infringe on our turf. Maou never had an affectionate phase, but he does give me plenty of freedom and raised me with meticulous training. My mother, Yi, runs the flower shop beneath our loft as a coverup. On the sticky summer days I help her around the shop, tending to the plants. Yi is a non bender, which probably explains why she remains out of the action amongst other reasons. Sometimes I wish I could just be like that.</p><p>I’m more lenient with my ‘gift’. Do I like being able to bend an element? Of course, who wouldn’t like to have been favoured by some almighty power. Would I trade it in a heartbeat? Of course, because the Fire Nation decided to be greedy bastards and now everyone would hate me if I revealed my ability. I don’t want to fire bend publicly, for Ba Sing Se is supposed to be secure from the evil fire benders. Ugh, if anyone’s evil it’s definteily them, not the imperialists. But I will use my bending when I need to. I don’t fully know how to control fire because I wasn’t trained by anyone that’s actually bent fire or been around someint that has. I know if it’s not properly controlled it can kill people, though I thankfully can’t add that to my list of crimes. And that’s why I prefer to go as a non bender. It’s just so much more.........simple. Not like anyone suspected me to begin with.</p><p>My room faces the morning sun, towering over the lower level homes to give me a view of the city. It’s breathtaking at night, but I haven’t found much time to enjoy that as of late. I was out late last night, but today is that special day. The sun leaks through the crevices between the curtains, waking me from my slumber. I really do hate the sunshine, it’s too awfully bright too early in the morning and the only person that would enjoy this is someone like Jin. Overly positive, she radiates in the sunshine and I’d much rather just linger in her shaodow. My hair is less messy than usual, as if it knows it was about to be properly groomed for morning tea. Most days I quickly whip it up into a ponytail, looping the band around three times to make sure it’s completely secure. And, of course, pulling two strands down to frame my face. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t steal that style from Jin. </p><p>Sitting back on my chair, I yank on some tan-brown pants that really should be looser but I’ve taken a liking to tailoring them. Most women prefer dresses or pants that are only distinguishable as pants if you’re in an extremely wide stance. But I like to be mobile, I’d rather not trip over myself while going down the stairs. I slip on a light green tunic, fastening a sash around the curve of my waist. I don’t bother trying to put extra effort into my outfit, I’ve never really found the appeal in dressing very formally unless I’m going to one of the Triad’s fancy dinner parties, and even then I can’t sit still like that. It’s nothing against people that choose to dress that way, I just don’t find the appeal in it. The mirror beckons for me to gaze into it, admiring myself in all of my beauty. Or rather, my mother’s. I was always told I looked like her. </p><p>At a quick glance, I can pass as any member of the Earth Kingdom. But I know better. I slide my shoes on, quietly creeping down the stairs to the kitchen. Our house doesn’t have many stairs, but one wrong step could send a loud shriek throughout the entire complex. And even though it’s not exceptionally early, I never know how Yi’s going to act in the morning because I have no idea how much she drank the night before. And Maou is sometimes there, I never have to worry of whether or not he’s alive but he has plenty of other hideouts to linger at throughout the city. “Nice to see you finally up.” Jin calls from the table, swinging her feet above the ground. I used to get freaked out when she lets herself into my home, but I’m used to it now. Aside from my caretakers, Jin is the only person I can entrust my secret with.</p><p>I think I should establish that Maou and Yi aren’t my birth parents, in fact I wasn’t born in the Earth Kingdom at all. My real mother was a girl from the Northern Water Tribe, not exceptionally wealthy but not particularly poor either, just an average girl. She had me at quite a young age, fifteen to be exact. I suppose that’s why I was raised by the village elders more than her, if you could even call it ‘raising’ because I only knew them for the first four years of my pitiful life. I was always taught that benders were so rare and special because that’s how water benders were treated, so I was under the impression that I would be accepted. However, everyone acted like I was more of a burden than a blessing. I was just being a dumb toddler, trying to face the constant bullying from my peers about not having a dad. No one in the Tribe admitted to knocking up a poor teenage girl and outcasting her, and then one of the elders explained who my father was and outright said that everyone hated me.</p><p>Less than a year before I was born, the Fire Nation attempted to infiltrate and take over the Northern Water Tribe. Ash covered the snow as the soldiers plagued the seas, ransacking the outer rims before leaving with their tail between their legs because the Tribe’s fortifications could fight off the attackers. My mother was one of the unfortunate girls who were momentarily taken hostage by the soldiers. It explains why I became a fire bender. I look like my mother and have the same laugh as her, even though she didn’t laugh much after I was born. But I have bending like my father, and that alone seemed to deem me a member of the Fire Nation, ignoring the fact that I was literally born in that godforsaken tundra. Oh, and how could I forget, my first signs of bending was burning a hole into the ground. Which didn’t match with our igloo of a home. </p><p>The thing I always hated about these different nations is that they all seemingly hate the other, always acting entitled as if one element was better than the other. But then the moment one of those nations tries to act on the shared superiority complex, everyone describes them as radicals and insane. Both me and my mother were subject to ridicule for being different. It wasn’t her fault, and it certainly wasn’t mine, but it didn’t matter to the rest of the Tribe. Around the time I was four, we were smuggled into the Great City of Ba Sing Se. But she didn’t stay with me. One day I turned up at Qin Maou’s home, and was taken under his wing as his new successor. My new mother would assure me that it was because she wanted what was best for me, that she wanted to protect me. But I know my mother. </p><p>She wanted to save her own ass and wanted to live the last year of her teens as a normal person. And who wouldn’t, it wasn’t like she asked for this to happen but she still has this responsibility to care for the kid she brought into this world. She never loved me. I was just a reminder of her mistake. She should’ve just killed me then, I’d be grateful to her if I knew she was just going to abadon me at the single worst place she could’ve in the city. I always wondered if she knew that Maou lived there or if she just found a random spot to dump me at. To this day I have no idea where she ended up, who she’s with, or even if she’s alive. Did she ever have more kids? Did she ever return to the Water Tribe? There’s been nights where I lie awake wondering if she remembers me, or if she abandoned even the memory of me. But I always have to convince myself that if she wanted to find me, she would’ve because I have no idea where to start. </p><p>After I’m done reminiscing on my past and the subsequent cause for my trauma, Jin motions for the seat next to her as if I wasn’t going to sit there today. It’s definitely not like I always sit in the same seat at the same time in the morning, but she still does the gesture nonetheless. “You know how much I like sleeping in.” I ruffle her dark hair because it irritates Jin to be that kind of messy so I’m doing it as payback for being awake, and I rock back into my seat. What would I do without Jin? Not much, I’m not a very assertive person. “What did you bring for me today?” I reach towards the centre of the wooden table, grasping towards the bowl for a sweet rolls. Yi’s taking a liking to baking as of late (she goes through these phases of interest), so we never are at a loss for some sort of pastry. Jin turns a flier towards me, sliding it gently across the hand-carved dining area. She has very nice hands, she clearly takes care of them and I know if Jin had the option, she wouldn’t ever open a door or open a jar for herself.</p><p>“It’s some invitation for one of rich Huang’s dinner events, I found it when I was at Mina’s house. Seems strange that Maou wasn’t invited, I thought they were friends.” I narrow my eyes, reading the faded print. Yeah, they are friends I guess. I lean back in my chair, glancing at Jin while I smile ever so slightly. It's always enjoyable to see my parents get all heated about not being invited to a lousy rich person dinner party, but knowing Maou and Huang it’s probably because he was scheduled to do some trade then. Jin's eyes match my amusement, and she snatches her own pastry to satisfy her hunger because we’re going out for tea, not breakfast. “Which reminds me. Remember how I went to the city entrance the other day?” Classic Jin. Always changing the conversation to keep the attention on her which normally would annoy me but something about Jin makes it tolerable. </p><p>I nod, rising from my seat with her and walking through the shop to the front of my house. I open the door as Jin steps into the dusty pathway, evidently kicking some up but that was inevitable with the dismount from the top step. Jin and I have been friends since....well I’m not really sure. One day when I was in the market with Yi, Jin was there and we just became friends after she invited me to watch some puppet show with her. She was very social then, and still is so it’s a wonder how she hasn’t moved on from me yet. Jin turns sharply towards the left as I cram the invitation into my pocket because I don’t want to leave it on the dining table. I blink quickly, watching her stride farther away. “Um, genius? The Blooming Lotus would be that way.” I point over my shoulder towards the stairs to the upper levels.</p><p>Jin shakes her head, turning to face me as she walks backwards. It’s a miracle that she doesn’t trip, with my luck I would’ve somehow hit everything possible if I tried that feat. “We’re trying a different place today- do you remember old Pao’s tea shop?.” I raise an eyebrow, suspicious of her decision. Pao’s tea shop? I forgot that place was even open, no one ever says ‘hey I have a great idea, let’s go to the Pao family tea shop!’ so why is she bringing it up now? What the hell is she on?</p><p>“Everyone knows that place is notorious for disgusting tea.”</p><p>“Not anymore, I heard the tea there is the best in the city.” She adds with showy hands, and I roll my eyes as I do a jog/hop/skip step to catch up to her. I don’t know how much I believe that, but I’m going to concede my pride and just follow her because when Jin has her mind set on something, she doesn’t change it and I really don’t have the energy to drag her up to the upper ring. The lower level of the city is so much dirtier, much less to my liking rather than the middle. It seems this is where the King has been neglecting, and I don’t blame him. Every shop is run down, each having broken glass, scattered shingles on the ground, and some random animal poking around. Disgusting. </p><p>Jin better have a good reason for bringing me down here, I really dislike this area of the city because it always makes me feel weridly unsafe. I say weirdly because I’m quite skilled at defending myself so nothing should startle me like this place but here we are. The stench would normally be nearly unbearable, but a strong waft of brewing tea fixes that dilemma. I round another corner, engaging in conversation with Jin. “My brother told me he would be getting off at the trollies so I went to meet him there, and that’s when I saw him.” I look over, unimpressed, which countered Jin’s dreamy look in her eyes. “There was this guy in the other cart and damn he was fine, I went over to say hi but before I could get his name my brother was ready to go.” Jin holds the door open, and I walk towards the corner where we usually sit in the Blooming Lotus.</p><p>“I have no idea who he was, but my moneys on the cabbage salesman.” I glance back at the sad excuse for a salesman in the road. Poor guy, he’s always out selling the same old thing as if it isn’t completely unsanitary and begging to be knocked over. Jin giggles, and I join in, unable to resist her contagious laughter. A wave of heat smacks us across the face, contrasting the cool early morning air outside. Almost immediately I can notice the improvement in the shop. The last time I was here was nearly a year and a half ago, but I’m still scarred by the horrible experience from before. I take in the surroundings of the room, somewhat nice, yet dated, decorations. It looks cleaner than the last time I went, but still like an old person shop. I can tell that someone tried to spruce up the shop with whatever they had in the back, so it feels like a very low budget fixer-upper.</p><p>Jin slinks into her seat, glancing up at the board to see what teas they offer because every shop is different and all feel the need to come up with random names instead of just ‘black tea’ ‘jasmine tea’ ‘ginger tea’ and make a universal chart. I look back towards the counter, trying to see if Pao was still running the shop because there is no way this place could’ve earned its newfound reputation with his crummy tea-making. The ambiance of the room is so calming, inviting me to come in and relax. And I would. If Jin wasn’t talking every ten seconds. “Hello? Are you just going to ignore me? What are you going to get?” Jin snaps her fingers in my face, making a ‘z’ shape as she tries to revive me from the trance. Clearly I couldn’t notice her asking before, I guess I’m getting better at tuning people out. </p><p>“Answers.” I smile briefly, glancing back at Jin slyly. Something is awfully suspicious about this shop, but I can’t place my finger as to what it is. The sweet scent of jasmine wafting through the room, the vibe all too welcoming to be comfortable. It vaguely reminds me when Yi and I moved in with one of my ‘aunts’, Michi, while the shop was redone because we no longer wanted to be known as a restaurant. For clarification, we used to be some sort of patisserie for the first seven-ish years of my stay in Ba Sing Se, but when Yi married Maou we changed it to a flower shop because it’s less maintenence. Michi is a very proper woman, stingy even, but her house gave a very lavish and comforting vibe. It had the exact presence as the shop, warm and welcoming and smothering. </p><p>I study the room more, hopefully finding something out of place because it’s a rather drab area to begin with and I need some mental stimulation. My eyes scan the entire shop before subtly focusing on the young waiter. He seems new, I don’t think he’s the reason the shop is like this but he wasn’t around when I came here before and now the shop is better. I don’t necessarily think it’s a causation, but I know there’s some kind of corrrelation. I watch him stack the cups onto the counter meticulously, so focused on being precise. Turning to the side, he reveals half of his face burnt to a dull red and judging by the colour, it was a few years old, definitely caused by fire. Jin watches me stare, and starts to bite her lip to stop laughing but her quivering shoulders give herself away. </p><p>“Jin, don’t look now, but the guy behind the counter is-” Before I can finish, Jin whips around in a flamboyant way, her gaze lingering on the boy who thankfully turned away the moment Jin decided to become the most obnoxious person in the shop. I slap her arm firmly, feeling her flinch. “I just told you not to!” I groan through a whisper, leaning forward onto my folded arms as Jin laughs, covering her mouth to stop stares as I bury my head into my arms. For someone as socially gifted and popular as Jin, she sure acts like a child whenever she finds something to tease me about. I should’ve known not to mention someone of the other gender around her. </p><p>“Hey, I just want to know who you’ve got eyes for.”</p><p>I lean forward sharply, lowering my voice to an aggressive whisper. “I do not have eyes for him!” I emphasise the ‘not’ because both Jin and Yi are insistent on finding the smallest thing to tease me about, I can’t even point out that I like how a flower without them talking about getting them for my wedding and teasing the idea of buying them for me right then. Jin chuckles softly, leaning farther into her chair. I roll my eyes, resting my chin onto my palm. There’s no use in trying to fight her, when Jin has her heart set on something, she’s not going to concede and act differently. Before the two of us can continue this exchange of ‘am not’ ‘are too’’s, another figure waits patiently by the table. Jin looks up with a bright smile, and I attempt to follow suit, but mine is more strained than welcoming. </p><p>The round man smiles with the both of us, his hands clasped in front of the tie of his apron and I can already tell there’s an extendor fastening it around him. He smiles warmly, a little too warmly I note, and his eyes crinkle at the corners. “Welcome to the Pao Family Tea Shop. I am very pleased to see you here, since you are some of our first customers of the day.” Well this is new, last time we came to this dump we had to go order ourselves, and I guess I wasn’t used to having someone greet us either. He reminds me of Michi too, and sometimes I wonder if she even knows about the rest of the family’s antics, or if she was just brainwashed by the Dai Li. I haven’t been able to confirm that theory that the Dai Li brainwash people, but Maou says it’s better to assume that than to be proved right. </p><p>Jin and the older man continue in playful banter, she always knows the perfect way to act and she’s so charismatic. I secretly loathe her for it, but I take this opportunity to continue scanning the room. I can assume that this man is the reason for the shop’s renovation, but I still don’t have a good reason to be suspicious of him. It’s just a gut instinct, but I have strangely well-tuned instincts so I know I can trust myself. “Hey! Can you stop zoning out for a second? Mushi here is going to take your order.” Jin keeps a straight face, something she’s only recently been good at doing but the name Mushi is so peculiar. She fakes a pleading look before turning back to Mushi, making an apologetic expression as if to say ‘sorry-for-my-idiot-friend’. </p><p>I bite the tip of my tongue, forcing down a laugh. ‘Mushi’ is such a strange name, it’s almost laughable because of the obviousness that it’s fake. I slowly glance up at Mushi, taking in as much as I can without a lingering stare. Once I meet his eyes, I give a small smile because I can fake being as energetic as Jin for a little. I’m not going to be as hyper as she gets around customer service employees, but I’ll be respectful and act politely because I’m not an asshole. “I’ll have a ginseng tea.” I coolly reply, leaning farther in my seat. Mushi’s smile rivals mine, pivoting to rush back to the counter in his own subdued way. I turn to Jin, holding back a pointed accusation. I’d rather tell her what I think now rather than have her try to interrogate me for my findings.</p><p>I speak in a low voice, still watching so Mushi doesn’t randomly show up. I would sense if he did because the restaurant is rather quiet and footsteps are heard, but I still don’t want some random people to overhear my conspiracies. “Don’t you think this guy is acting kinda strange?” I whisper, and Jin steadily turns her head to the right, which I use as a code for ‘no’ without the attention that shaking one’s head brings. “He seems awfully friendly despite just meeting us.” Jin squints an eye, not following, and I can’t expect much more from her though, after all, I’m not being too descriptive. This is me going out on a limb here, but I know what people in Ba Sing Se are like and they aren’t overly friendly to one another unless they want something from them. What Mushi wants with us, I have no idea. “Normal people from the Earth Kingdom don’t act like that.”</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jin asks, ready to shut down or disagree with me which isn’t to say that she isn’t supportive but she doesn’t want me to get all wound up in some crazy superstition that has only the slightest probability of being accurate. I roll my eyes, quickly making sure Mushi isn’t walking back over. I’m not entirely sure if my suspicions are correct, but I can’t admit any weakness to Jin, she’d never let me forget it and she’s already teased me in public once so I don’t want her to have an opportunity to again. I glance back to Jin, and she widens her eyes, as if she is prompting me to go on. Jin’s only a few months older than me, but she usually acts as if I’m the older one and I act that way too so we’ve just accepted our friendship in that way. I can make her wait, or decide not to be a bitch and just cut to the chase. </p><p>“He definitely isn’t a refugee from the one of the Water Tribes, he isn’t from the Fire Nation because they aren’t allowed, but they aren’t Earth Kingdom either.” I conclude, smiling confusedly as Jin’s eyes widen unintentionally. She’s surprised I figured something out when she couldn’t, to her Mushi was just a normal guy but it’s the slight differences in attitude that lead me to believe that he’s different. She whips around sharply, checking back at Mushi’s shadowed figure. Jin stares at me suspiciously, raising an eyebrow for a better explanation because all I said was I thought he was different and now I’m stuck with nothing. “That’s all I have. I’m trying to think or a region that doesn’t fall under the stigma from every nation.”</p><p>“I can help with that.” Jin nods carefully, and upon hearing the floorboards creak, she devolves back into her bubbly self and pretends that we weren’t just planning how to figure out how Mushi was an illegal foreigner. Mushi sets the tray in front of us, smiling warmly as usual. Well, I haven’t known him for very long, but it seems like his usual deportment. I give him a fake smile in return, pulling the cup from the platter and I take a small sip, the warm ginger flowing down my throat and pooling in my stomach. This tea is extraordinary, I’ll give him that. Nothing like the nasty water the Earth Kingdom lives off of. So that confirms my suspicions that he’s foreign but seeing as I’ve never travlled out of Ba Sing Se, I don’t know what other nations’ tea is like. </p><p>Jin and Mushi continue in some light conversation about revamping the shop, and I nod along. I know I won’t stay for much longer, but I have to get more answers before Jin drags me out by the back of my tunic. It’s not like I’m very insistent on staying here but now I keep convincing myself more and more that Mushi is an imposter and I have to find some closure, I have to find something. Mushi continues to go on about what he was subject to back on the journey to Ba Sing Se, and I zone out, waiting for someone to entertain me. Jin continues to press on with the conversation, and I supplement with the occasional nod or ‘yeah’ which is very characteristic of me, I don’t speak much or engage in meaningless small talk with people I’ll probably never see again. Mushi seems satisfied, and he clasps his hands together with a wide smile. </p><p>“The two of you are very kind.” Ah, I know he means Jin but he’s being polite and pretends that I was engaing in conversation too."Allow me to introduce my nephew. Junior!” Mushi bellows, and the waiter-boy strides over with heavy feet, as if he would rather be anywhere but here. Woah there, I thought we were just engaging in small talk but apparently he wants to show off his nephew thats conveniently the same age as us? Hell no, and if anything, he should be set up with Jin and not me. I avoid eye contact, trying to get Jin to wrap up the conversation so I can go home because there really isn’t much to look into here despite my best efforts. But my thoughts of ditching and theorising are cut off when a harsh, raspy voice enters the conversation. </p><p>“Uncle, I told you to stop calling me that.” He groans, resting his head in his hand. The sound of his voice piques my interest, or rather the hoarseness of it. Someone who works at a tea shop should be drinking tea throughout the day and wouldn’t have a harsh voice, yet here "Junior" is before me. I mean, I drink my fair share of tea and my voice isn’t as smooth as Jin’s, but now it’s obvious that they’re new to this job. I guess Junior is beneficial to my investigation, maybe if he starts dating Jin (because Jin’s a sucker for any guy) I can look more into why they’re here and what they want. And I know Jin is going to tease me more for this, but damn, I can’t deny that I was checking him out for a moment. But just a moment, I have to save him for Jin because I’m not really the relationship type.</p><p>I smile softly, watching him intently because what else am I supposed to do in this situation? Junior gave me no opportunity to bounce off of him and engage conversation, he’s clearly as dead inside as I am. Mushi laughs, resting his hand on his nephew's back. Junior glances up towards me, and I avert my gaze quickly, trying to stop this before Jin says something to embarrass me. Jin notices him and I exchange a stare, so she clears her throat loudly, snapping both of us towards Mushi. Fuck, I knew this was going to happen and here I am, bracing myself for Jin to 1) say something flirtatious about herself, say something flirtatious about me, or 3) say something to scare away the two. Jin attempts to bring more conversation, so she catches my eye. She smirks at me, and I subtly glare back at her. Whatever she’s planning to say, it’s not going to be good. “So where are you from, Mushi and...?” </p><p>Mushi’s tea cup jolts in his hand, his eyes suddenly strained as the pair glance back and forth at each other, prompting the other to talk. I kick Jin under the table. I’m not sure what it is, but these people are different. And I dig it. I can’t just let Jin scare them away over some dumb question. Yes I care where they’re from but they clearly don’t want to talk about it. Damnit, things were starting to get entertaining and now I have to just send off my conspiracy with little to no grounds. What I have so far is that they don’t look like they’re from the Fire Nation, or the younger one wouldn’t have been burned. So they're probably just game from a remote Earth Kingdom village and there’s really no point in trying to get a better answer from them. </p><p>I notice the duo’s apprehension, so I lean back farther, relaxing to seem less demanding. I don’t know if my positioning does much, but I’m trying to appear less hostile and curious despite my mind racing with thoughts and plans and questions to figure out motr. Mushi clears his throat, folding his hands behind his back. “We’re refugees... we’ve travelled many places...” he attempts to divert the question away, and Junior tucks the tray under his arm. “Lee, why don’t you tell them?” He smiles weakly, and Lee shakes his head, walking away. So Lee’s his name, I should remember that I suppose but I’m not expecting to ever come back here so there’s no need to. I follow him with my eyes, and Mushi takes this opportunity to change the conversation. He exchanges a quick smirk with Jin, and my eyes drop as Lee goes to the back of the shop. “I realise I do not know either of your names- would you mind giving me them?” He asks innocently, and I deem him worthy of hearing my name. </p><p>Most people don’t know about my family’s real business. They just see a *very* young mother and her daughter runnning a flower shop with the sporadic visiting of the father, who is frequently doing business overseas. That’s at least what Yi tells the snooty women that stop by and inquire why she’s wearing an expensive ring but never shows off her husband. “I’m Y/N, and this is my my friend Jin.” I motion to Jin, who gives a dumb look. Typical. I turn back to Mushi who waits for a longer explanation to make sure we can’t bring up that last question again. “My mother runs the flower shop in the middle level. You should come by sometime, I’m sure she’d love to meet you.” I smile, Jin giving me a side wink. She approves of my vague description of my home life, and I’m glad I left out the fact that the family business is a crime syndicate. But not even Jin knows the extent of it. So why tell anyone and expose the triad?</p><p>Mushi nods pensively, glancing around his shop. It’s minimalistic, but has a certain beauty to it. Hence the certain, it’s far from looking good but it’s a definite improvement from before. “Yes, a flower shop.” He rests his chin in two of his fingers, gently stroking his silvery grey beard. “I suppose the place could use some greenery to lighten it up.” Mushi smiles brightly, nodding his head towards Lee who decided to walk back in and serve other customers. I can’t imagine how different our encounter would’ve been if it was Lee to meet us first, he probably would’ve made me more curious about my theory. “I will ask Pao if he agrees. One of these days I may just go over to buy some.” Jin flashes a winning smile, right after she finishes her tea. I carefully finish mine, spinning the cup between my palms. I mean, I never said where it was and the middle ring is quite extensive if you don’t know where you’re going so he was probably just being polite by proposing to come.</p><p>“Y/N, would you be so kind to help me pick them out? I trust you have a keen eye for these things.” Mushi offers, and I nod in reply. He’s awfully nice. Sickeningly nice. I blink quickly, staring back at Mushi as I ponder what to make of him. Jin pays for our tea, bowing to Mushi before leaving. I watch Mushi’s hands, seeing how he quickly fixes his hands to an Earth Kingdom position. If he didn’t act fast enough, he would’ve bowed in the traditional Fire Nation style, and the only reason I know what that looks like is because Maou decided to educate me on the past centruy of Fire Nation customs after he found out about my ability. Interesting. The two of us saunter out of the shop, going up the incline towards my house. I fall into step with Jin, walking beside her as she laughs slightly. This isn’t going to be good.</p><p>“You were right, that waiter boy is just your type.”</p><p>I punch her in the shoulder, with a sharp ‘ay’ noise. “Jin, we barely know the dude's name, cool it with the marriage plans.” I smile to myself, watching Jin’s face twist to spit out a retort. Maybe I should start teasing Jin about marriage plans too, I mean, she’d probably take them seriously but to be honest marrying someone never crossed my mind. I think it’s because I’ve never been in a stable or long-term relationship, but just seeing how all of the married couples around me are discourages me from wanting to legally become subservient to a lame guy. “And now I have to rush home before Yi gets all uptight. Your little befriending cost us time we don’t have.” I start to walk more briskly, Jin catching up with an annoying laugh. Her little laugh that always makes me want to smile because Jin’s such a positive light in my life (I wouldn’t say a positive influence, but she makes things much more interesting). </p><p>“If she tries to pull something I’ll fight her.” Jin fakes a frown, more like a pout, and I can’t help myself from smiling even more despite my resistance to show it. Jin is so small and cute and would never actually fight someone, but insists on joking about it. Well, she doesn’t seem like she’d actually fight someone and I think it’s because nearly everyone that’s met Jin have just fallen in love with her. She likes to joke about beating up Maou after I complain about him being neglecting or a bad parent, and I always entertain the thought of Jin rescuing me from this hell. It’s a volatile living situation sometimes, but I've done a pretty good job of keeping Jin out of the drama and the contention and the hurt and the abuse. And maybe Jin knows and that’s why she’s always trying to drag me out of the house because she knows it’s poisioning me. </p><p>Classic Jin. Protective, sometimes vaguely threatening. I guess I should be thankful, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder why. Why does she insist on defending me when we both know that I will always be the one to fight for her and protect her. It’s not like I’m any more emotionally damaged than she is, but maybe she thinks that since she’s better at wearing a mask of happiness then she can be the fighter out of the two of us. I spend the rest of the walk in near silence, Jin just rambling to me about her plans for her future and how she really wants to meet the tram guy. Jin’s my best friend, but sometimes I run out of things to talk about so I just opt to listening to her. “Well, they seemed like nice people,” I suggest carefully after receiving an opportunity for Jin to stop over-romanticising this guy she barely knows. Jin looks up at me slyly, eagerly taking this opportunity to tease me. I would’ve said at me, but I’m barely taller than Jin and it’s one of my only things against her so I like to think she’s looking up at me.</p><p>“Oh yeah, very nice. I didn’t know you even noticed Mushi, you couldn’t take your eyes off of Lee.” She jeers, giving a toothy grin while I fight the urge to slap her. I scoff in return, rolling my eyes as we round the corner to my family’s shop. Normally I’d attack her back but I’d rather not get myself all wound up over a simple tease. I don’t usually feel this way, this defensive, maybe it’s because there’s some slight truth ot what Jin said but I’m just going to ignore it. So I repress this urge once again, Jin and I exchanging a hug before she walks towards the upper level to go home. I watch until she rounds the corner, then turn back to the shop. I never like to be the first one to leave a situation, so I always watch to make sure that Jin walks back safely to the extent of my vision.</p><p>Once I slide open the doors to the shop, Yi greets me warmly. Strangely, she keeps her wide smile as she hugs me tightly. Hugs are strange in my house, we’re not really people that enjoy physical affection in that way. I don’t know how we even enjoy affection, but it’s definitely not from one of the basic love languages. As she leans in, she whispers through gritted teeth to me “The Dai Li are watching the house. Don’t act suspicious.” Once she relinquishes her grasp, I mask my concern by smiling awkwardly as well. They must’ve gotten caught on us after one of Maou’s raids. It happens about once every two years, and it’s always someone else to be caught. By then the Dai Li have cycled through so they forget about us. It makes me slightly nervous that they’d come for Jin, but the Dai Li aren’t ones to interrogate others to get to their suspects, they just go straight for the person they’re after.</p><p>Yi walks to the back of the shop, sitting at her desk to clip away at her bonsai tree. She probably noticed them while sitting in that very position, glancing from a mirror reflection which should be enough to indicate to me that they sent new guys to watch us, and therefore don’t value this investigation as a high priority. Since we’re under surveillance, we can’t leave the house or go underground, because the Dai Li can’t know about downstairs. I think about marching up the stairs towards my room becayse there’s really nothing to do here if I can’t leave the top two floors. I flop back onto one of the lonely seats in the shop, leaning my head back onto the back of the chair. I already didn’t have plans for the day, but now I can’t risk even leaving the shop without getting intercepted. </p><p>“Ma-“ I cut myself short, realising how weird it is to call Yi my mother. And why now? I don’t recall ever calling her my mother before this moment. However, she seems to take no notice, still pruning at her bonsai. It’s probably because I was addressing her as my mother to Mushi and Lee and maybe I clung onto the idea of being able to call someone mother. “Yi, I’m expecting someone to stop by later.” I do an exaggerated body roll to get out of the chair, sauntering to lean on the railing of the stairway because I want some sort of attention. Yi takes virtually no notice of me, no reaction of disapproval or anything. “This tea shop, the one Pao’s family owns, needs some greenery to lighten the room. What should I recommend to them?” </p><p>Yi shrugs, a new habit she picked up from Jin. I roll my eyes, now having to deal with two of them. I mean, I have mixed feelings about her and Jin’s similarity, I usually can’t handle having both of them act the way they do simultaneously but after having Jin with me I’m not ready to just go back to my boring home. “I thought you and Jin hated that shop. Did it switch owners?” I bite my tongue, unsure of how to answer. Of course I could tell Yi, I’ve known her for nearly seven years, but if Maou walked in I would definitely be dead trying to explain about how two foreigners fixed a dead-end shop in a day. I wouldn’t be granted the privilege of explaining myself because Maou was already uncertain about allowing me to live with him, so it would be safer to not mention more people possibly from the other nations. </p><p>“It’s still Pao running the shop. It’s just new waiters. Older man named Mushi and his nephew Lee.” I answer bluntly, not wanting to press further. She’ll meet them soon enough, and she’s only half listening so there really is no point on trying to explain myself. That’s how it usually feels with Yi, she’s more like some older sister that’s being forced to stay with me against her will. Not really giving much attention or effort but still using her superiority by age to boss me around. But even then I can’t connect to her on some super personal level because we never felt obligated to do so, so we’re stuck in this limbo of a relationship. I catch myself adjusting my hair, smoothing it down and making it look nicer. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe it’s just from the thought of some Dai Li agent watching. Don’t want to be described as lazy bitch with bad hair. But that’s probably inevitable. </p><p>“Well I’ll let you know if they stop by.” Yi smiles, carrying her finished bonsai tree to the front of the store. I nod, slinking into her seat to play with her clippers. Boredom practically drips off the walls, the day just flowing by in a stagnant manner. But I can’t dwell in a daydream because I hear a curt “het-hem” beside me. Yi waits beside my seat, motioning for me to get up. One of the only things I’ve learned from Yi is that she loves to exercise her power as my ‘mother’. I reluctantly relinquish my seat, spinning as Yi slips beside to sit down. When I swirl back to face her, I strike a dramatic pose, attempting to lessen the dullness of the day. Yi smiles, raising eight and a half fingers. I roll my eyes, groaning as I walk upstairs.</p><p>———————</p><p>I used to joke with Yi that I should have a vigilante name. A single word meant to invoke fear in those that heard. I first thought “poison”, or “night” because the night is young. Yi fancied the idea of “stupid”. So I remained nameless out of spite. Looking back on it, I was being kinda stupid. But that’s what fourteen does to you, I guess. God, I wish I was like the people who could just forget about their past, my memory is too immaculate that I can’t forget the very things keeping me restless at night. If I could forget, I would forget everything and start over, then I wouldn’t think about my real parents, my past trauma from living with Maou, and I would forget that I’m a fire bender. Of course I wouldn’t want to forget Jin, but if it’s an all or nothing situation I’d rather forget everything than be forced to relive my nightmares every day.</p><p>I fasten my pitta mask around my face, trying to cover any traces of who I actually am because the last thing I want to be is caught. As I finish styling my hair out of my face, I glance at my dresser to see two daggers resting atop it. Maou gave them to me for my twelfth birthday, hoping I would become some expert knife-thrower or someone that does the stabby stabby for him. Which I do, I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never taken those knives with me to help put an end to some Dai Li. It does put me very close towards my adversaries, however, and as much as I long to watch their eyes wide with agony, I’m not too keen on risking my neck for it. So I stick to my combination of chi blocking and knife using, I would never fire bend because Maou would kill me himself if he knew. And he always knows. </p><p>Tonight, I’m going to leave my knives on their stand and just stick to my hands because what the hell, I haven’t gone just hand-to-hand combat in awhile and I kinda miss it. I’d say I’ve made a little reputation for myself, or rather I’d like to. There's no other vigilante that's lasted as long as I have, there’s been a few but they all ultimately leave or get caught. I never quite understood how people weren't born with the drive to question the authority of this damned city, and those that do are taken care of too easily. My hatred isn't fuelled from some personal grievance with the Dai Li like Maou would intend it to be. My fire bending destroyed my family, made me an outcast in my own home. And now I live a fucked up life just because the Fire Nation had to go invade the Northern Water Tribe, they just had to abduct a group of water bending girls and they just had to rape one of those girls and make her pregnant with me. I was a freak, some byproduct of two cultures that shouldn’t have intertwined.The anger I feel from that, the anger I feel towards myself gives me motivation to fight.<br/>
I've studied self control very closely while I've been living in Ba Sing Se. Initially Maou wanted me to use my bending on the Dai Li, so he would try to train me, almost like I was his own form of the Dai Li. I was his secret weapon, which is how he referred to me to his associates rather than his daughter. I remember that day like it was yesterday, Maou took me to one of his deserted warehouses to demonstrate my ability. And everything was going well, I could control my flame into a refined whip of light. My father must’ve been some powerful guy because despite having no childhood training, I could pick up on techniques fairly quickly. But Maou wasn’t satisfied, he wanted to see what crazy combinations of power her could make. That’s how I developed my own subsections of unofficial techniques that clearly were created from rigorous training and pushing me to my limits.</p><p>Maou had heard of the rumoured lightning bending that only the strongest fire benders could produce, but seeing as only the royal family new the secret to the technique and he had no rat in the Fire Nation upper ranks, he couldn’t find out how. And Maou wasn’t too attached to the idea to go out of his way to discover the truth, so he just used what earth bending knowledge he had to try to instruct me. However, earth bending is very different from the other elements because it’s the only one that cannot dissipate into air quickly, and it’s a lot more grounded than the other three. It wasn’t an ideal situation, seeing as I needed someone to understand my skills and all I had were earth benders. They did manage to get ahold of a water bending scroll before selling it off to some pirates, but I used that for the most part as a guide for my bending. Normally fire bending is light and formless, but mine is more condensed and solid, such as water would be.</p><p>I want to put this so-called profession of mine behind and just be a normal teen. I’m tired of being Maou’s little guard dog who does whatever he says. I’d be perfectly content living like Jin, having the opportunity to work outside of a family shop (but still inevitably not doing that) rather than putting my life on the line at least once a week. But Maou won’t let me. Begrudgingly, I comply, but one of these days I am going to act for myself, and I’m going to stop letting him dictate my life. But today is not that day. Thankfully, now that I’m older, Maou’s started giving me less responsibilities in the Triad because I’m more defiant to him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to leave, but I want to pretend for a moment that I could be normal. I’m more understanding of my birth mother now, seeing as why she wanted to be normal rather than dealing with a child she resents, and the irony is that I’d probably have a more normal life if she had just kept me around.</p><p>I prance down the stairs quickly, slinking towards the back door. I pass through the kitchen, glancing towards Yi as she dices green onions thinly. Despite Yi not being able to fight, she definitely plays a good housewife, seeing as that’s her only role at home. “There’s at least four by the neighbours’. Two across the street.” She mumbles as I brush past her, and I reply with a brisk nod. I don’t know how intently the Dai Li are listening, because there’s no way they can see me, but I don’t know how well they’re listening in. Once I reach the blind spot from the windows, I duck outside. Damn, it’s so much colder than I thought. I ponder just rushing back inside and bailing, but Yi already slid the door closed. I breath out hotly, creeping along the edge of our residence towards the alleyway. </p><p>They say it gets easier the more you do it, but I’ve never been the type to look forward to attacks. Of course I hate the Dai Li with a passion but I’m not going to spend my free time running and trying to kill them like some freedom fighter. It’s such a dangerous profession and it’s irritating that I’m not even that passionate about the cause I’m so actively crusading against. I bet people in those radical groups don’t always agree with their leader, but they probably forged a personal connection to them and feel obligated to stay. It’s pretty childish, but I bet it’s happened more than once. The only thought getting me through this now is knowing Yi is making late night soup- the soup only eatable past midnight. The soup that makes you forget whatever the hell you did before because you’re too focused on trying to counteract the overwhelming spiciness because Yi refuses to make rice with it. </p><p>I pull my mask slightly away from my face, just to breathe out some hot air to warm myself. Only six agents? Child’s play. Today’s a new moon, so there’s essentially no light to show my shadow. All of this scene seems too convenient, but I can’t question it because I need to focus, and the quicker I just get this over with, the quicker I can go inside and take a nap. I mean go to sleep, but my sleep schedule’s been so weird lately it feels more like a nap. In a mad dash, I sprint across the cobblestone pathway, softly smacking my back against the other shop so I can face my home from a distance. Damn, I must be getting older because I know I can run faster than that. I would say that means I need more training time, but I’d rather just use it as an excuse to stop doing this same routine. Swiftly, I climb atop the awning of the shop, using it as a foothold to scale the side of the building. Thankfully the wall doesn’t crumble when I jab my foot to it to boost myself up, for that could send enough of a cue to the Dai Li that I was coming.</p><p>After my struggle to remain quiet, I finally reach the top of the building. I do a little croutched-down walk to reach the left side of the rooftop, where I assume the Dai Li are watching from. I peer over the edge of the building, seeing the two agents leaning on opposite sides of the alleyway. Crawling to the side, I position myself above them to drop down. I’d be a fool if I didn’t thank Maou for his insistence on acrobatic lessons growing up, for as much as I hated them, it does make me feel more professional. My hand grips the ledge tightly as I strain my arm, trying to support myself over the edge. God, I need to do more arm workouts too because I really feel weak tonight, and it’s probably because of my lack of motivation to do this but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been slacking on my workouts. The alleyway is just wide enough for the perfect attack. The agents still haven’t noticed my presence, so I let go.</p><p>My covered palm glides down the side of the building, rather loudly and signalling the stake-outers to look up. But it was all in vain, for the one closer to me acts as a stopper of my fall, and the other is just far enough to be kicked in the throat. It’s a rather beautiful sight, the three of us forming so geometric shape as they collapse into a heap of dark robes. Once I land, using an agent as a landing pad, I pull down my mask to hotly breath into my hands becaues it really is cold out here. I press my back to the wall once they’re both on the ground, panting while making sure the other four didn’t come over, or more I suppose, it was only an estimate from Yi and I hate to admit it but she really is the least observant and perceptive out of our household. From years of practice, I swiftly yank off the robes of one of the agents. Some guard the King has, they don’t stand a chance to a teenage girl.</p><p>I layer his robes over my suit, trying to let it lay correctly while balancing his unwieldy hat onto my head. God, these are so uncomfortable, I know the agents wear separate suits underneath and this top is more of a formality, but it’s just so weighty and it just makes them look like priests. I fasten the robes securely, pulling my mask beneath my chin and rubbing dirt from the ground around my face to disguise my feminine and young features. I press my fists together, the large robes covering my hands and although I’m a little short for these robes, if I stand on the tips of my toes the bottoms don’t drag too much. I swiftly cross the road, bowing my head to seem inconspicuous. I immediately notice their mushroom hats peaking up, and I start tapping my fingers together. Do they realise I’m not really a Dai Li? If they’re even somewhat intelligent, they should, but these blind guard dogs probably think I’m just another one of them.</p><p>Three descend to meet me in the alleyway, and I begin stimulating my hands. If I can do this quickly enough, I won’t have to use fire bending because I’m scared that I’ll do it when I’m overwhelmed. One of them squints his eyes, trying to make out my shadowing figure. “Hey, you’re not-“ I take this moment to release my hands from their prayerful position, the oversized robes billowing around me in a magestic position. My hands quickly jabs into one of their throats, knocking him down. Once he’s met the ground, I flick my robes behind my legs, giving me room to roundhouse kick the other. They instantly fall to the ground, leaving the last to defend himself. I don’t have a crazy amount of power behind my kicks, but after years of studying anatomical maps, I can observe the points of the body where my adversaries get immobilised. The fool tries to bend the earth around him, but not before I strike him in the side, kicking him down after he tenses up. </p><p>The first victim of mine springs back up, trying to grab me because I didn’t have the most time to aim correctly to eliminate him. I kick backwards, smacking him against the wall and knocking him out. The other two just gape up at me, struggling to get up but still frozen from my chi-blocking. I watch their hands struggle in attempt to bend rock, but they won’t be able to for at least a few more hours. I kick up some leftover dirt into their eyes, blinding their vision. Their shouts of protest are sickening to hear, but I ignore them as I use their sashes to cover their eyes. I don’t want any sign of me to be shown. I step back, counting the limp Dai Li at my feet. One, two three- there’s one missing. I look up towards where they were waiting before, but there’s no friendly face to greet me. I knock the side of my house briskly, which indicates that Yi should get Maou’s cleanup crew to eliminate the foes.</p><p>Maou’s little gang of janitors don’t seem intimidating, but they’re very skillful and I admire their attention to detail. After posing as rats, they’ve learned how all of the minor gangs of the city take care of bodies and where they choose to dispose of them. So once I leave the scene, they’ll carry the Dai Li towards one of those locations and brand them accordingly to match how someone else would kill them. Because of this attentiveness, Maou’s Triad doesn’t have a distinct way of killing someone that another gang could study which is pretty badass and explains why we haven’t been discovered yet. I’ve grown so used to this routine that I don’t bother sparing the Dai Li a pitiful look as I realise that the last face they’ll see before they die is me. Sad, but then again they didn’t even see me in my entirety so they wouldn’t be able to point me out of a crowd.</p><p>I hop backwards, looking out to the street. The final Dai Li agent is rushing down the pathway towards the upper ring. Rolling my eyes, because why can’t he just be an idiot like everyone else and just stay to fight. I run after him, practically tripping on the overbearingly long robes of my first victim. I try to untie it as I run, but my fingers fumble with the tie until I slow down. Once I’m released from my clothed tomb, I sprint after the agent, who began taking an annoyingly evasive manner. Around the backs of shops, onto the roof, wherever he went I would quickly follow. Goddamnit, he just needs to slow down and I’ll be able to finish him. I must’ve gotten some dirt into my eyes, because my blurring vision doesn’t help my chase.</p><p>Persevering, I trace the Dai Li towards the edge of the middle ring, just by an alley. I know what he’s going to try to do, so I have to get to him quicker. Whatever weakness I feel in my legs from the long-distance chase, I have to ignore and push forward with 110% of my energy that I can stem from adrenaline. I give up on trying to be stealthy, I just have to pursue this bastard before he reports me and gets backup. Just think about Yi’s soup when you get home, run for the soup. Run for Jin, so she doesn’t have to hear about her friend getting abducted by the Dai Li one day. Run for Mushi, so he can have more business tomorrow. That last one made me smile, because I barely know the man and now I’m using him for motivation, but y’know, whatever works works. This guy must be new, because a Dai Li agent never runs from a fight unless he’s a decoy but I can tell by his erradic motions that he’s not. I finally corner him into an alleyway, my new favourite place in the city.</p><p>He tries to scramble away, but I’m tired of his games and I just want to walk home and be done with this. He quickly tries to bend the earth around him, trying to fight me off rather than escape. Foolish, he should’ve tried that earlier. I run towards him, quickly swinging my arm to block his chi. But the little bastard dodges me, and I have to attack again. He’s abandoned his earth-bending, trying to engage in hand-to-hand combat. Mistake number three. Should I be fighting him or giving him pointers on how to not suck at his job? He sweeps my leg, and I fall backwards, harshly striking my back on the dirty floor. Damnit, my entitlement blinded me for a moment but I won’t let it happen again. I roll to stand up, trying to refocus on the agent even though I’m getting more fatigued by the second. I bounce slightly, my eyes squinting to picture the Dai Li agent before me.</p><p>In my moment of weakness, he raises a hard rock from the ground, kicking it into my direction. And the size of it isn’t avoidable so I have to act quickly to block this before it clobbers me. My eyes widen as this mass comes for me, and panicking, I fire bend to destroy the block before me. Fuck, fuck, I was just thinking about how I shouldn’t be doing this and look where I am now. Now I really have to kill him. The Dai Li falters, stepping back as waves of orange and amber ripple before him. There’s no point in trying to hide it now, so I just release my energy, whipping him across the face with another plume of fire, striking him down. “B-But how?” He quivers as I tower above him and I narrow my eyes, already annoyed of having to expose myself that way. I crouch down, raising him to my covered face by pulling at his collar.</p><p>“Magic.” I lower my voice before socking him in the face. The Dai Li’s head hits the unpaved floor sharply, rendering him unconscious. A thick treacle trickles from the back of his skull, flowing through the ground. I tentatively step away, worried that I’ve just invoked Maou’s wrath upon me but I really couldn’t care less in this moment. I don’t care that I’ve potentially killed this Dai Li, he chose to put his life on the line when he took this job and I’m not going to guilt myself over anything because I didn’t knock him back that hard. The most he’ll get is a concusion, and since the Dai Li have been policing who enters the city lately, there shouldn’t be any concern about a new fire bender. And if some newbie starts spouting off about a fire bender after getting a concussion, they’ll just denounce him as crazy. I kick the stone that was barely being used against me closer towards his head so he’ll just assume that that’s what knocked him out. </p><p>The man starts to move his hand so I opt to walk away before he can look at me again. I don’t bother to start running, that man is going to be down for awhile and I’d rather not fatigue myself too much. This was a pretty quick night, but I’m not going to celebrate because I haven’t reached home yet. I tease the thought of just going to Jin’s instead, but I think I got some of the Dai Li’s blood on my shoe so I don’t want her to think I killed a guy. And knowing Jin, she’s probably off with some guy tonight or one of her other friends, planning for her date with the mystery guy from the tram. I wonder if Lee and Mushi met the mystery guy, like if they came on the same boat. Who knows, and I can’t exactly ask so I’m going to drop it. I retain an uninterested face, cracking my knuckles against the others because there’s something about chi blocking that just makes my hands stiff. I feign a yawn, feeling strangely relaxed after the destruction I’ve caused. I guess it has to do with my ever-present numbness I feel when I put on this suit.</p><p>But I feel rejuvinated when I get home and have midnight soup, it being as spicy as ever. I guess there’s some things to look forward to in life.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. "If you ever need a friend"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry for the wait! Believe it or not, I have most of this story already planned chapter by chapter, but I just couldn't find good enough motivation for the longest time, or I wanted to jump ahead before giving more exposition. I hope there won't be as big of a wait between this chapter and the next, it does put a dampen on the excitement</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I was younger, I used to have fun messing up Yi’s shop by snapping the stems of these leafy plants. It always had this distinct crack that was borderline too loud to match my sneakiness. Yeah, that’s the sound my back made this morning when I got out of bed. I tried to make an effort this morning to wake up earlier so Jin doesn’t beat me downstairs to my own kitchen. I always wondered what her parents thought of her leaving the house in the early morning to chill at my place, but then again Jin never talks about her parents so I wouldn’t know. The most Jin let’s me know about her home life is that she has an older brother that’s the favourite child by her virtually distant parents. They live at their second house in the more elite ring of the upper ring, leaving Jin in a penthouse apartment that’s usually home for the university students.</p><p>I’d describe Jin as selectively secretive, she hides what she wants to hide with no particular correlation of why she does. She never talks about her parents, and I would’ve assumed she didn’t have any if I didn’t meet them three years ago when I was at a formal event with Maou and Yi. But then there’s the Jin that comes out when we hang out at my house, alone in my room. She’ll open up about all the guys she’s dated, and all of the…techniques, if you would, she learned from them. Sometimes I wish I could live like that, to some degree. Doing whatever I wanted because I’d never have to think of the Triad or the consequences of my actions. I always wondered how her parents didn’t care what she was doing with her life, all I know is that they sponsor her and then leave her off to her own accords. </p><p>The upstairs flat is very clean; it’s not used as much as one would think. It’s full of drawers, each locked in a way that you couldn’t pry open and I’m starting to think that most of them are just fake. But I don’t take time to admire the aesthetic because I’m stumbling down the stairs to start making breakfast because I’m strangely hungry this morning, after years of not eating before noon. Earlier this week the fishmonger had an unusually large amount of elephant koi over from Kyoshi Island, and since Yi is very social with fellow shop owners, we got our hands on one for free. It’s not that we can’t afford it, but Yi would rather buy a new outfit than basic necessities to live with if you know what I mean. I think it’s her way of protesting Maou. </p><p>A briny aroma wafts from the kitchen as I finish my descent, which means Yi is up early. She doesn’t usually cook, so either she wants something from me or wants something from Maou. Which is strange, I feel like she should just be able to force me to do things because she’s my mother. I lean in the doorway, peering at her hunched over by the stove. Her long hair was wrapped up into a high bun, which honestly was starting to fall out but still didn’t land anywhere near her cooking. It reminds me of the upper ring women that wear their hair in these tall, elabourate styles, I can’t imagine their neck strength. I creep closer, trying to glance at breakfast and hopefully be able to snatch something to snack on. I justify it by saying I’m checking for poison. It was cute when I was younger, but now that I’m almost of age it seems more bothersome. </p><p>Three fillets of koi are grilling their second side, sizzling slightly as they crisp up. The meat is very golden-orange, especially along the ridges. Yi stands in front of a large pot, shaking a handful of halved snap peas into the boiling mixture without splashing it everywhere. Based on Yi’s habits, it’s probably miso soup because that’s her signature breakfast. She holds a block of tofu in her hand, slicing it gently with a blade just against her palm. “No gyeran-mari this morning?” I ask, pinching some rice from one of the three bowls on the counter. Yi jumps, nearly slicing her finger off when I talk. Guess I’m as stealthy at home as I am at night. She rolls back her shoulders, dumping the tofu into the pot while grabbing a dish towel to wipe her hands. </p><p>“Y/N,” Yi groans, smacking me with the towel sharply. “Don’t bother me while I’m cooking.” After a few more flogs, she tosses the towel to the side. “Now go make yourself useful and set the table.” I hear her laugh under her breath as I go to grab some dishes. I know she’s probably just stressed because of this but Yi can’t help herself from laughing in any situation, even if it’s uncomfortable laughter. Three plates, three bowls, three cups, three soup spoons, and three sets of chopsticks. Whenever Maou eats with us I have to get the fancy dishes out because he’s very stingy. When I was younger, whenever Maou was home I had to dress nicer, shut up, show off new skills, basically perform as some kind of doll. Then once I turned thirteen I thought fuck that and just gave up trying to be that perfect kid. </p><p>I try organising it to perfection, but it’s cut off by Yi demanding me to bring the plates over so she can put the fish on them. Back and forth and back and forth. The moment I get comfortable in my seat she has to call me over again. I don’t recall Yi ever asking me to help her cook, but the moment she sees me getting comfortable she orders me over to do something ridiculous like stirring the soup. I yawn into my palm, still feeling drowsy from lack of sleep but I’m not making any effort to change that bad habit. I rub my eyes with the heel of my hand, ladling the soup into our bowls while Yi goes to freshen up in the powder room. Yeah, this extravagant meal makes sense now. She wants some money or something from Maou. It’s funny because she usually isn’t this way around him but apparently today she’s asking for something big. </p><p>I place the bowls in front of each chair, flopping back into my seat when I’m done. Maou’s trophy wife joins me, waiting to act as some subservient toy for the fifteen minutes he ‘graces’ us with his presence. I hear Maou walking down the stairs, and Yi springs to her feet, bowing to him. Damn, if this is my future in the Triad I’m leaving because it’s only a matter of time before they realise I can be easily replaced by a random guy. Maou raises an eyebrow at me as I just lean back farther in my chair. “Y/N, I heard about last night. I recall telling you to stick with hand-to-hand combat or wielding a blade.” He rests his hands on the back of his chair, leaving Yi stuck in a bowing position while I remain frozen. How the hell did he find out what happened only seven hours ago? I don't recall any spies by me at the time.</p><p>“It was an accident.”</p><p>“An accident? Spilling tea is an accident!” I feel myself slightly cower, a habit I’ve tried to lose but there’s something about Maou that just terrifies me. I can’t place my finger on it, and after years of living with him I really should be less intimidated but I guess I’ve seen what Maou’s capable of and I’m not exactly protected by being a child anymore. “Not using fire bending in an isolated city!” I don’t understand him. He insists I’m so valuable for my fire bending yet he refuses to let me use it. And I’m still slightly fearing the possibility that one day he very well could slip poison into my food. That would be hilarious to Yi though, if I said my usual ‘I’m just checking for poison’ and it actually ended up being poison. “You’ve put the Triad in danger if they find out it was you. Explain yourself.”</p><p>“I won’t do it next time.” I sigh in response, dipping my head forward in a half-ass bow of embarrassment, watching Maou squint his eyes more. Yi tries to kick me from under the table, but it just offsets her balance. Maou sinks into his seat, waiting for Yi to get comfortable in hers. Later I’m going to get yelled at by Yi for not letting her get the perfect-morning-Maou. He raises the bowl from the table, grasping wakame with his chopsticks while still engaging in a stare-off with me. I roll my eyes, sipping some green tea to walk me up. Disgusting. It’s all watered down because nobody in the Earth Kingdom knows how to brew tea. Except for Mushi and Lee apparently, which reminds me, I should go over there again rather than the Blooming Lotus.</p><p>“Is the food good? I prepared your favourite this morning.” Yi tries to ease the tension, leaning closer to Maou while giving him these dreamy eyes. He gives her this sideways glance, still annoyed with me but tries to humour her for the time being. He nods slightly gesturing with his hand for Yi to continue and just ask what she wants to ask. “So as you know there’s that dinner in the upper ring this weekend, and I’m in need for a new hanfu…” Maou furrows his brows, ignoring his previous debate with me and focuses on this dilemma. I mean, what dilemma is it though, Maou’s filthy rich and the only reason Yi has to ask is because Maou only gives her access to a set of money for the month to keep her from running away.</p><p>“Do what you want.” He brushes off almost everything Yi says, continuing to aggressively eat, leaving me and Yi sitting there awkwardly. To be perfectly honest, I hate it when Maou has breakfast with us. Yi and I cant talk unless he prompts us to, Jin can’t come over or she has to become all stiff too, and we have to act like Maou is the greatest thing to walk the face of the earth. He’s far from the greatest, he’s a truly vile man that I can’t wait to challenge some day and potentially kill. I pick at my fish, losing my appetite for some reason. I should’ve just gone to some tea shop this morning. What feels like another hour of silence passes as we continue to eat, and it’s so unbearable that I have to leave. </p><p>I rise from my chair slowly, triggering both my parents to stare at my because quite frankly this is the most entertainment we’ve had in fifteen minutes. Yi gives me a pleading look, begging me to just sit down and cooperate. Well I’m sorry Yi, but I don’t want to play dollhouse anymore and I want to go kill time by sharpening my knife. “Where do you think you’re going?” Maou rests his chopsticks on the edge of his bowl, clasping his hands together as if he was going to confront me for not taking out the waste bin. A look I’m too familiar with, especially these past few years. I think my parents are realising that I’m tired of following their every command like a blind dog, which is nice because I’m really tired of not having my own voice.</p><p>“Upstairs.”</p><p>“Without explaining yourself? No, you are not.”</p><p>“Yeah, I am.”</p><p>“No, you’re not.” Maou springs to his feet, or rather extends because he’s old and slow, shoving the table slightly with his quick movement. Yi facepalms, looking away because according to her I ruined her breakfast. I roll my eyes, walking towards the stairs because I really don’t have the energy to deal with this. I don’t have the energy to deal with this any day, I hate how they just choose what days they want to act like parents and ignore me for the rest of the time. “I demand obedience from you.” He growls, and I lean back from the top step, peering around the corner. I lower my eyelids, and just seeing the two of them react is enough entertainment for me. I swear on my mother’s imaginary grave that once I turn seventeen, I’m leaving Ba Sing Se for good. So not much longer, I better start saving more money to do this. </p><p>“From me? Please,” I roll my eyes once again because that’s my go-to move, and I march up the stairs to do something pointless like reorganise my room. It’s better if I just rush upstairs then try to endure any more of this. I slide my door closed, flopping onto my bed to just lay there because quite frankly that’s all I can do right now. I roll onto my back, staring up at the ceiling while I debate what to do for the rest of the day. I could sneak out my window to go see Jin, but seeing as she hasn’t shown up at my house she’s probably busy. What other friends do I have? Well, there’s……not that many. Not any that I could just show up to their house, it’s more of a social friendship. Jin’s my ride or die, and all of my other friends in the group are more of Jin’s than mine. Damn my life sounds sad.</p><p>Sitting up, I stare at the wall adjacent to my bed for awhile, contemplating life while feeling confined to my room. I stand up slowly, just walking in circles around my room over and over again. First loop around I questioned why I’m even staying in this household. Next was reminiscing on my limited memories about my mother. It’s somewhat comforting to remember that Maou and my first mother chose to keep me. But eventually I’ll have to leave and I have no skills that could get me a niche job, not enough money to run away, no knowledge of the world outside of the city and therefore no opinions on where to go. Hell, I can’t even make a cup of tea without having to pour out the rest because it’s too vile and no one can give me sage wisdom to improve it. I’m fucking doomed if I try to leave this situaion, but I can’t stay in the Triad or I’ll be coerced into doing worse crimes and be ultimately killed because no one wants to see a woman in power.</p><p>I just keep walking around and around, ignoring the rising temperature of the room as the sun continues to rise. Springtime in the city isn’t usually hot, but lately there’s been some sort of a heat wave. Yi used to say it’s because love is in the air, but that’s definitely not the case. There’s not even love in my house, Yi and Maou really don’t get along except for during social situations or during sex. The house is mostly silent; my pacing is interrupted by the sound of the shop door opening. I ignore it, as usual, not feeling up to entertaining some elderly lady and her snide comments. Besides, if I did go downstairs, Yi would ditch so I’d have to run the shop. And I’m not trying to get judged about every little thing that I apparently can do wrong. Last time this happened, I got stuck being lectured by some old lady giving me unsolicited advice about why I’m not married yet. </p><p>A minute in my thoughts pass before I turn to face the door. Since I’m ever so curious I begin to tiptoe down the stairs to glance at who came in. I lean forward, peering around the corner to see someone waiting beside the table. Some boy around my age. I teeter farther in a precarious position, realising this young man bears the same scar as Lee, which therefore made him Lee. Shit. I flick a hand to my face, feeling my skin self-consciously because I haven’t really spent time trying to look nice this morning. My eyes widen in shock, and my foot slips beneath me, knocking me down the last few stairs. Lee glances over towards the sound, and I quickly pick myself up to match his gaze. Well that’s embarrassing. </p><p>Lee doesn’t seem to notice that it was me that fell, or at least he pretends to because he took an interest to the broken pot beside me. In reality, I hit it as I fell, but I play it off like it was just knocked over and I was on the ground trying to catch it. As if that’s even more probable. Yi is nowhere to be seen, so my gut feeling is that she snuck out to the market to see her ‘friends’. But if she did that then she would’ve had to leave me in charge, which she most certainly did not. Yi briskly rushes in, an annoyed look interrupting my train of thought whilst answering my question. “What did you do this time?” Even though it’s obvious what happened, she insists on making me admit it. Lee looks away from the conversation, and I glare at Yi, sharply yanking my hand in front of my neck, gesturing for her to cut it out before we make a scene. </p><p>“...I broke a pot.”</p><p>Yi storms towards me, flicking her hand towards the ground. “I let you stay at home without working and this is how you repay me?” She maintains an annoyed look, scooping the slices of terracotta into her hands. “Go make yourself useful and help the customer. I take it you didn’t come all the way downstairs just to smash my favourite pot.” She chastises me, putting emphasis on the last part. Whether it’s Yi being weird or me mentally hearing this, I swear her voice gained a strange accent at the end. I stifle a groan, knowing Yi is just acting like my mother and is trying to sell the role. But it’s not exactly helping. I quickly give an apologetic smile to Lee, who remains stoic. If only I could do that too.</p><p>I block Yi from my view, going to meet Lee at the counter. I lean onto my forearms, getting him to meet my gaze. Despite us only briefly meeting yesterday, I already feel more comfortable with Lee than I do with Yi in the moment. But Lee seems to be constantly tense and probably over dealing with people. I can’t place my finger on why, but he’s different from everyone else in Ba Sing Se. It’s very cliche, but out of all the people I meet in the city, he could easily be one of the tolerable ones. “Sorry about that. Did you decide what you want for the shop?” I ask, trying to finish this before Yi comes in and interrupts Which is apparently a very hard task, since she seems to keep worming her way into every conversation I have. Lee clears his throat, pulling out a folded piece of parchment. </p><p>“My uncle made a list of what Pao wants.” He practically shoves it at me, and I gently pry it from his tense grip. Mushi listed some flowers, preferably in a light blue. And a few leafy plants, especially if they came with decorative planters (ones that match the front door- to quote). His handwriting is so…Mushi. I barely know the guy aside from meeting him in the tea shop, but there’s something about the way his handwriting is so soft and relaxed yet precise that’s exactly what I expect from him. I practically read the note in his voice, keeping my head down as I calculate a cost. Damn, this silence is nearly unbearable. Why can’t Lee just be less antisocial and say something? “Does this usually happen?” Lee finally asks, breaking the silence. His voice shocks me, hearing him start small talk isn’t what I expect but I’m sure his uncle told him to. Mushi seems like the type to force him to do that.</p><p>“My mother coming around and being annoying? Every damn day.” I laugh a little, reaching down towards a cupboard to pull out a small form. Lee watches me from lowered eyelids, following my hands because he’s not comfortable enough to make actual eye contact. “If I read this correctly you’re asking for four bamboo plants, along with a planter for each, two orchids, and since I like you, I’ll throw in a bonsai tree as well.” Lee seems a little surprised by the last part, so I laugh awkwardly to play it off. He’s so stiff I can’t resist making him squirm. Lee diverts his eyes yet again as I put away the brush, my anxiety causing me to overthink everything I’ve said. “Uhhhh, wait here.” It was a dumb thing to say, since the shop’s so small that I’ll just end up walking around Lee again. But I don’t want to burden him so I gather all of the assorted flora. </p><p>I wrap my arms around the pot of each bamboo plant, carrying them back to the counter even though they’re just going to be moved out again. Back and forth and back and forth as I set four of the bamboos in front of Lee. Normally when we get a customer like him they just stare at their feet and pretend they’re not there. But Lee follows me with his eyes, quickly looking away whenever I come back towards the counter with the orchids. I’d like to hope that it means he’s checking me out but we all know better than that. After that prolonged journey of mine, I lean against the counter adjacent from Lee. We both look at the full table of plants, and my face falls. How in hell is he going to get this back to the lower ring by himself? And even with help it’s going to take a few trips.</p><p>“Could you-“ “Do you want me to-“</p><p>We both stop, a little surprised because we both were about to ask the same thing. I blush, wrapping my arms around one of the bamboo plants. “Lead the way.” Lee nods briskly, easily grabbing one of the bamboo plants that I slaved to set over there before. My arms better not give out before we even reach the lower ring. Thankfully the tea shop is just at the cusp of the lower level and the flower shop is on the lower half of the middle ring. It’s still going to be a long trip. We both walk out onto the street, me slightly behind Lee, both looking away as the sound of the city fill the silence. Merchant carts roll along the poorly paved road, people distantly argue in the streets, and the ever-annoying scream of old buildings layer over each other. I hate this. It’s awkward and I know Lee’s not going to say something so it’s up to me to start conversation. “I don’t think we were properly introduced. I’m Y/N.”</p><p>“I know.” Damn, I already messed up. “My uncle introduced us in the tea shop.” Lee continues, slightly slowing his walk to match mine. That uneasy feeling washes away, feeling the tension fade as we continue down the walkway. A few people look from their houses, because it’s not every day you see two teenagers carrying bamboo plants down the road. But then again, people always stare because this area of Ba Sing Se is so utterly boring that the bare minimum serves as entertainment for others. I’m certain others spend their days coming up with weird scenarios about peoples past to pass time, just like Jin and I do because there’s really nothing else for us to do. I chew the inside of my lip, trying to come up with more conversation.</p><p>“It seems like you and your uncle are really close, working at the tea shop together and all.”</p><p>“Yeah. He’s the one that got us that stupid job. I don’t really know how, it was our first day in the city and then we were already working.” Lee elaborates, and is it wrong for me to just enjoy the sound of his voice? I want him to continue talking because the only other voices I hear throughout the day is Yi chastising me and Jin encouraging me to do some crazy thing. It’s a breath of fresh air to be with someone less overwhelming. I could really get used to this but I know I’m just getting ahead of myself, planning a long-term friendship with Lee and all, he’s probably just responding to keep me from talking his ear off. Not like I’d do that, that’s more of a Jin move. </p><p>“I’m not surprised, he was really selling me on the tea yesterday. Someday I’ll have to stop by so he can teach me how to make it like that.” I laugh, even though Lee remains stoic as ever. He’s awfully serious about everything, I mean maybe’s he’s the really shy type that won’t smile unless he knows someone but it just makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. “But I do have a question.” Lee tenses, clearly terrified of whatever I could ask him. He’s definitely hiding something but will he ever admit it? Not yet at least. But I’ll find out eventually, either by my sleuthing skills or by coercing him into answering. “Why did you move to Ba Sing Se?”</p><p>Lee tilts his head towards his shoulder, itching at the side. “Well, my uncle and I were avoiding someone.” He fumbles out, and I can’t help but want to prod more. But since it’s the second time I’ve asked I’m fairly certain he won’t elaborate more. We keep walking for a bit longer, and I really do hope Lee knows social cues because it’s his turn to ask me something. “Has the city always been this,” I glance over towards Lee’s side of the road, waiting for him to explain because I’m not a psychic. “deceiving?” Lee finishes in an uncomfortable tone, and I furrow my brows, trying to comprehend his statement. How much detail do I go into with this?</p><p>“Deceiving? That’s the word you’re going with?”</p><p>“Uh yes,” his voice gets slightly higher, the nervousness of his response almost humorous. </p><p>I laugh at his awkwardness, and honestly if anyone’s going to need to hear about the city, it’s going to be him. He’s fresh meat in a city of wolves, it’s only a matter of time until someone gets into a fight with him or tries to hire him. “Well before I can get into it’s ‘deceiving’ nature, I have to ask, do you know about the Dai Li?” Lee shakes his head, and if my hands were free, I’d start aggressively rubbing them together because damn, he’s in for a rant. “The Dai Li are the secret police of the city. They basically run the place. People go missing if they act out of line. And I know it’s the Dai Li behind it, they’re trying to cover something up. They’re always hanging out by sketchy areas, like abandoned warehouses. I don’t care for them much.” I continue theorising, and by now Jin usually would’ve tuned out and started fiddling with something around her but Lee doesn’t do that. He’s actually listening, it seems like he’s mentally taking notes. Which should be concerning to me. But it’s not.</p><p>“Why do you know so much about them?” He finally cuts in, just as we round the corner towards the tea shop. It really makes me wonder, how did I learn so much about them? I didn’t exactly go to the library and pick up a book about the Dai Li or ask everyone about what they know. I guess most of my knowledge is subjective, but if you see them as frequently as I do, you can safely make assumptions about them that add up enough. Maou encourages me to follow my instincts because you can never rely on anyone else to protect your life in this city of liars. I like talking with Lee, he listens (or at least pretends to) which is better than my parents or friends can say. </p><p>“I’ve lived in the city for awhile. The Dai Li are pretty sus, so I’ve done what I could to find out about them. More people should know about them, but the Dai Li have a tendency to…eliminate opposers. It’s best to steer clear of them.” Mushi greets us at the door of the shop, opening it so we rush in and set down the bamboo plants. If I was the one managing our time, we would’ve sat down and had some tea before going back to the flower shop because breakfast was not satisfactory for me. Spending some time resting my arms would also be nice, I’m still sore from last night. I wouldn’t go so far to say I’m out of shape, but I’m not exactly the epitome of stamina. But before I can protest we’re already back on the road walking up to the flower shop again. “Tell me about the rest of the Earth Kingdom.”</p><p>“What?” Lee falters his step, assuming I was done with interrogating him about his past. But I’m not. He stares off towards the side, trying to muster the right word to describe the vast unknown. “What do you want to know?” A justifiable question. But what don’t I want to know? The rest of the world seems so fascinating and there’s clearly something monumental going on there because the Dai Li are ever so diligent to hide. I started to think the rest of the world was wiped out but a random influx of foreigners disproves that. And Maou’s got to have some clients from other nations because of the different materials of weapons. He definnitely has a connection to the pirates of the Water Tribes, the Fire Nation is the epitome from industrialisation so of course he works with them, but I don’t know if he works with the Air Nomads because they’re pacifists. </p><p>“The Earth Kingdom in general. Is it as orderly as Ba Sing Se?” </p><p>Lee looks over at me in disbelief. It appeared as relief initially, but then he acknowledged how seemingly out of character the question is. “That’s what you want to know? You don't seem like someone so concerned with government.” My hand reaches to cover my mouth before I laugh at his quip, but it just awkwardly rests on my chest instead. “I guess it’s about the same, just poorer.” Figures, this is in fact the capital of the Earth Kingdom. We step back inside, grabbing two more bamboo plants and trying to avoid Yi because if she shows up we’re going to have to wait for her to give a monologue about why I’m not girlfriend material and he should find someone else. Such a mood killer. “Have you always lived here?”</p><p>It’s such a hard question to answer. I never open up about this to others beside Jin, because it’s always so difficult to explain. I don’t like to honour my heritage, I hate it to be frank. Every time there’s some 'authentic water tribe' merchandise in the markets it creates a pit in my stomach. Jin doesn’t understand my resentment, she claims I’m just be dramatic. But if you were abandoned by your mother, shunned by your tribe, and treated like you disgraced your entire culture, would you be so keen to bring that back into your life? If you had an ounce of self respect you’d say no. “No, my mother moved here when I was a toddler. I don’t remember much of the North-“ My eyes nearly bulge out at my slip-up. That never happens. Why is it happening now?</p><p>“The north?” Lee prompts, confused because who in hell refers to any part of the Earth Kingdom as ‘north’. It’s not exactly divided like the water tribes or air temples, where its normal to refer to them as north and south. And, geographically, Ba Sing Se is already very north itself. Ummm let me think of some random estranged province above that’s technically north. I mean, why can’t I just say the Northern Water Tribe? I still don’t trust Lee, I’m not going to tell him that much during the first time we hang out alone. And I doubt this will happen again so there’s no use spreading that information out. </p><p>“Yes the north. We lived near Bei.” Is Bei even a province anymore? I really don’t know but I’m going to pretend it is because I really don’t want to have to explain something else to him. “Who else have you met from the city? You haven’t had any run-ins with Chu, right?” The sun is almost at its peak for the day, batting down onto our backs but not hot enough to slick my back with sweat. It’s one of the only redeeming qualities of spring to me, other than that I’m not overly fond of the season. I’ve noticed as Lee and I have continued walking, we’ve grown closer together in the literal sense. Before we are awkwardly six feet apart, as if we were going to get the plague if we were closer. But now I could easily reach over and grab his hand if I was feeling impulsive, but that’s more of Jin’s style. </p><p>“No. I don’t like talking to the customers at the shop. It’s bad enough with them whispering about my scar when they think I can’t hear.” If I wasn’t so focused on how to carry a conversation, I would’ve noticed how vulnerable Lee was being at that moment. It wasn’t until later at night where I sat up straight in bed realising how he must assume he can trust me now to say that. But why would he trust me? I’ve already lied about so much to him, it makes me guilty as I think about it more. And we barely met, but perhaps he sensed that I was different just as I sensed the same for him so he feels like he can say more, albeit vague, information. “I’m sure you get customers like that too.” He offers a common ground between us, and I don’t hesitate to respond.</p><p>“It wouldn’t be a normal day if there was none.” I laugh, already planning a time to compare all of the horror stories about customers with Lee. Jin doesn’t understand, she doesn’t have a job and whenever she volunteers (or rather Yi telling her she’s going to work if she’s going to be in the shop) all of the horrible older women leave. “A few weeks ago, one of those snobby women from the upper ring came over and complained about how one of her flower petals was starting to wither because she didn’t water it. The nerve of some people.” I roll my eyes, Lee understanding the struggle. Yi always tells me it’s because I’m a brat, but I know even she gets fed up with those bitches that always look down on us because we work. As if those rich ladies would be where they were without us.</p><p>“Reminds me of the time somebody complained that her tea was too flavoured. Uncle wouldn’t stop talking about it for the entire night.”</p><p>“Ahaha, maybe it was the same lady.” I jest, but clearly Lee didn’t catch my tone or there’s no sarcasm where he’s from.</p><p>“It wasn’t.” Well that put an end to that. He’s so socially awkward he can’t try to humour me but I won’t hold it against him. Every moment with Lee is a release from the rest of my boring life, i’m in a place where I could get all the answers about the rest of the world if I just prodded a bit more. “What do you do during the day?” Lee asks, sliding away from me to avoid a protruding rock in the road. I raise an eyebrow, catching his eye before he shyly looks back to the road before us. “I mean, what even is there to do in the city besides working for a family business?” Upon hearing my laugh to his confusion, Lee’s cheeks pinked to a shade reminiscent of his scar. It’s cute, I’ll admit it, seeing him get flustered whenever I act more extroverted than him.</p><p>“There’s not much to do if you’re all alone. My friend Jin has lots of friends in the upper ring, and that’s where the fun happens. There’s markets you can go shopping in, they have a lot of foreign products from travelling merchants. Some of the wealthier guys in the group host parties like once a month; those can get a little crazy sometimes.” I would mention that every three parties ends up in a group orgy between that main group of the kids that host, but I don’t want to freak Lee out. I’ve never participated, and Jin says you don’t want to. “In the warmer seasons we can go out of the city walls to Lake Laogai for a beach day, and next time we go, I’m taking you.” Lee furrows his brows confusedly, but before he could ask ‘why’ I answered for him. “You look a little pasty.”</p><p>Lee frowns, turning away but I know he didn’t take it to heart. I suppose I should’ve warned him beforehand about my type of humour. “Sounds boring.” He spits in response, and I don’t try to argue with him because it can be really boring if you don’t force yourself to have a good time. I’d be lying if I said I was always happy to be dragged around to random events with Jin. Most days I’d rather just lay in bed and contemplate life or why I’m still here. I go out and put my life on the line so frequently and rarely come back with a scratch. Every time I go out I don’t care if I make it back alive, I’m just trying to feel something to justify my worth in this world. Fate’s a cruel mistress, and she keeps me around to suffer in my sadness. </p><p>We continue in banter on our last trip delivering the orchids. You’d be surprised how much you could learn about a guy if you keep mentioning someone he cares for. Lee loved to go one about how much his uncle does for him and how much he respects him. No matter how our conversation started, it always circled back to his uncle somehow. I’m a little jealous of how seemingly well he gets along with Mushi. I spent half a week living with Jin without telling Maou or going home any time in those days. And when I finally got back the most I got from them is ‘you missed your work shift’ as if I actually worked at the shop and had specified hours to be there. If I ever became a parent, I’m going to treat my kid way differently than both sets of my guardians have.</p><p>I feel as if I’m growing more comfortable with Lee as it goes on. As we keep talking, he starts revealing more and giving me more than one sentence answers and instead of just cracking a smile out of pity he maintained that joyful expression. He’s so easy to talk to, and I’m guessing its because he’s foreign. All of Jin’s friends were born in Ba Sing Se, and they’re all slightly off, to put it nicely. Back when I was fifteen, Jin set me up with one of her rich friends and it was a disaster. We had nothing in common, conversation was strained and awkward, and we did not get along overall. At the end of the night he assumed I was into him so instead of a simple hug goodbye he thought it was appropriate for him to feel me up and kiss me. I haven’t seen much of him since, thankfully. But I know Lee isn’t that type of guy. Not that I’m trying to go that far with Lee. Why would I think that? I just met the kid, calm down. </p><p>After nearly two hours of walking back and forth between the two locations, we reach the road back to the flower shop. “You’re a pretty cool guy Lee, you know that?” Lee isn’t startled by me talking anymore, which I take in an endearing way. Nodding in agreement, we reach the front of the shop and go inside. Thankfully we avoided Yi throughout this entire endeavour. The past two times we’d walk up to the counter we’d be in sync, but Lee stops by the door upon realising there’s only one small bonsai tree left. Which makes it easier for me to not make an extra trip walking down there, but part of me wishes that there was another plant so I could walk with Lee again. “Well, here’s the last one. It was nice walking with you.” I walk the bonsai over to Lee, stepping back and swinging my arms behind me. </p><p>“Yeah, you too.” He steps out, but freezes before really walking onto the street. His back remained to me, leaving me to awkwardly stare at him. I’m about to speak before Lee cuts me off, slightly turning his head over his shoulder. “If you ever, uh, need a friend, you know where to find me.” My eyes widen in shock at his offer, but he cuts me off yet again by briskly walking down the road. It’s not a strange offer, I guess I spent a lot of time referring only to Jin as my friend and everyone else as ‘Jin’s frineds’. I can’t help but just lean out of the doorway and watch him grow smaller in the distance, until the sound of footsteps fade away to the overwhelming sound of Yi sighing over dramatically. Of course she had to show up to ruin my theatric moment. </p><p>“What is it this time?” I whirl around, lowering my eyelids to mask my previous excited expression. If she even sensed a hint of me liking Lee, in any range from I-can-tolerate-you to platonic to romantic, she would start formulating a future for us. Same thing happened earlier this year when I was being a good server to a 20-something year old man that came to the shop. For the next month she kept saying stuff like “I think these flowers would look great at your wedding” or “you really shouldn’t be taking seconds, you want to be able to fit into your wedding dress”. I’m just going to elope one day so I don’t have to deal with her nagging. Or better yet, forget marriage entirely and just pull a Jin of going with whomever I want whenever I want.</p><p>“I ask you to take some time out of your day to help with the shop but you end up going out with your little friends.” Yi huffs, sweeping the floor even though its perfectly clean. It’s one of her favourite things to do to emphasise how hard her life is. As if that’s going to guilt me into doing a better job at being a daughter, she needs to change her guilt-trips because they don’t work on anyone. “One of these days I’m going to ship you out to the upper ring and get you a real job. Then you can actually do something with your life instead of being a bum all day.” Yi wags a finger towards me, being the biggest killjoy known to man. I laugh bitterly, storming past her to go upstairs. “You can’t just walk away from your problems!” Yi shouts after me.</p><p>“I beg to differ, because I just did.” I bite my bottom lip to hide my laughter, because nothing brings music to my ears like Yi yelling at me in the distance.</p><p>——————— </p><p>Leaning against the side of a store wall is less comfortable than desired. But I have to wait for the target to come into view before moving down. Maou’s rats reported unusual activity from the Dai Li near the lower ring border, and because of our last run in, we need to make sure they aren’t moving back onto the Triad. It’s been about a week and a half since I last went out, which I should take as a nice break but my dumbass got too used to it and was unwilling to go out tonight. I’ll find the guy, do a little fancy footwork, knock him out, and bam, walk home and go back to sleep. The same routine, no complications. I got lectured by Maou almost every night about my stupidity of fire bending, so I suppose it was a plus that I didn’t hear one today.</p><p>I’ve worked on my technique of controlling my breath and body heat so I don’t have to wear warmer clothes while going out. I blow onto my hands, warming them because the winds growing stronger as the night goes on. Now I can move faster without being burdened by extra layers, which is kinda convenient. “If I hear of you fire bending again there will be dire consequences.” Maou’s voice echoes in my mind, his threat being as mysterious as ever. I’m almost of the age where I can move out, which means he now views me as an adult. I don’t think I’m that valuable to Maou, so I have no idea how far he would go for a punishment. I hope he doesn’t kill me, I’d rather be killed by someone else so someone can avenge my death dramatically.</p><p>Yawning, I rub my knuckles together to pass the time. This stagnant night just keeps going on, and I wonder whether there even were Dai Li agents down here or if it was just a plot to kick me out or assassinate me. I pull down my mask below my chin, sinking to sit down and relieve my legs of the tension from standing. I count the sound of creaks from the older buildings down here, trying to entertain myself somehow. One……two……three......four……five……six………..fuck did I already say five? This is the fifth one now. Right as I look up to strain my mind to remember, a shadowy figure sprints past my view, way on the other side of the road. Finally, took him long enough.</p><p>I briskly stand up, making more noise than I would’ve liked because my legs had partially fell asleep. Shit. It’s fine, I reassure myself because the figure didn’t come back around and no one else should be parading around the deserted streets at two in the morning. I peek around the edge, making sure there’s no obstructions in my way as I rush to the other side of the road. I’m not as familiar with this particular section of the ring, and if I try to go onto the rooftops who knows what’s up there. I don’t want to climb up to see a group of Dai Li waiting to attack me, so I just settle for running diagonally across the road to keep my eye on the agent. </p><p>Acting as essentially a stalker, I slowly close the gap between me and the target. It’s strange, he’s not necessarily trying to be discreet so I’m assuming he’s not in a rush or on some special business. He turns down an alleyway, leading me towards the slummier parts of the city. The buildings here are decrepit and sparsely arranged, and yet the ground is still more run down than the rest of the city. It’s eery, I don’t particularly want to be here but I’ve committed to following him so I can’t stop. I have no idea why he’s going to this warehouse, or how many others I’m going to find. It better be interesting though, or I just wasted my night for nothing. And hey, if I die, at least I’ll have a cool place to haunt after.</p><p>It’s barely lit over here, so I don’t pay as much attention to the ground as I should have. In one of my sprints to go to the other side of the path, I scuff the front of my shoe on a jagged piece of the road. I make it to the other side quickly, my back pressed to the wall to try to mask my heavy breathing. The Dai Li’s footsteps halt, and I can only infer that he’s turned around to come find me. I roll back my shoulders, trying to warm myself up before he reaches me. But there’s no sound. Just silence. I wait for another minute before peering over the edge of the wall to see him. It’d be nearly impossible to see me from where he was standing, but I could still get a good enough view of him or view something that shows the disturbed ground and where to find him next.</p><p>To my terror, he’s gone. There’s no one standing there. It didn’t get any darker, he should’ve been there because I didn’t hear anything move. I lean out a bit farther. Still nothing. Confusedly, I swing back to put my back against the wall again. But when I turn my head to the side, I found the straggler. The Dai Li agent stands beside me, the usual frown engrained on his face as he freezes in his stance. I should’ve been prepared for this, it’s the most basic surprise attack in the book. Before I can even try to attack, my hands are pinned together with a glove of rock and attach themselves to the wall above me. Damnit, the agent thought I was taller than I am so my feet barely dangle above the ground. It’s going to be one of these nights.</p><p>I nearly do a sit-up, kicking my legs forward to knock the Dai Li agent backwards against the opposite wall. It strains my back to do so, but because of the narrowness of the alleyway, I can reach him again with another kick. He doesn’t put up much of a struggle, and doesn’t pick up on my repetitive attacks because he refuses to deflect any of them. That’s strange, he must be some kind of decoy and what is it with all of these newbies? His head knocks against the ground swiftly, the rest of him curled into a fetal position towards the wall. I try to balance on my toes, because of course the agent overcompensated my height so my feet aren’t firm on the ground and it puts more strain on my arms than’s necessary.</p><p>Whenever I end up in these positions, I usually have one of Maou’s men nearby to bend the earth away. But now that I do solo missions, I haven’t been in a situation like this. The Dai Li caught me by surprise tonight; I usually can avoid their attacks. I focus on controlling the fire in my palms, trying to direct the heat towards my wrists and against the rocks. It’s scorching, and as if the surge of heat wasn’t enough, the rocks are still cutting into my wrists as I try to break free. A few pebbles fall onto my scalp, meaning my attempt at burning the rock away was working. It’s excruciating pain, but it’s all I can do for now. So I just keep burning at the rock, trying to separate it and it hurts so fucking much but I literally have no other options unless I want to die being hung like a dead chicken in the market.</p><p>I’ve had difficulty explaining this to Maou, but he’s began to understand over time. I can bend fire. Fire does not affect me when it’s in the areas I can bend it, such as my palms, the bottom of my feet, my fingertips, and my throat. That being said, I’m not immune to burns. My hands, feet, and throat can withstand normally unbearable temperatures, but the rest of me can still get burnt up by other fire. I learned this the hard way during a training session with the Triad. For example, let’s say someone hurled a flaming barrel towards me (which has happened). I can bend the fire and hold the fire in my hands (though I suppose it’s technically hovering in my palms). But I can’t just straight-up hold the barrel. It’s more confusing the more I try to explain it.</p><p>What I’m trying to get at is that while normally me concentrating my body heat doesn’t affect me, when it’s in the form of a sizzling rock that’s scraping up my wrists, it is going to scar. I’ve managed to eliminate most of the rock, enough for me to forcefully yank my hands out of their captors. I can’t see through the dark material of my sleeves, but I can feel the pain from the previous position. My hands are skinned, scarred, and dirty as hell because of the rocks. I’ll get some of Yi’s herbal medicine to tend to the wounds when I get home. I shake my head vigorously towards the side, trying to refocus myself on the Triad’s task: find out what’s going on in the lower ring. And I intend to do so because I don’t disappoint.</p><p>I forgo my previous method of zigzagging between buildings to just run towards the warehouse because I don’t have time to touch every abandoned building. I scale the side of the warehouse quickly, leaning towards an opening on the top floor. The warehouse is two stories, the top one. being more of a wrap-around walkway than a complete floor. Loose hay covers the wooden floors, and I slink behind a bale, concealing myself to watch the activity below. Several Dai Li agents wait in the shadows of the ground level, the presumed leader interrogating a peasant from the city. “You have disobeyed direct orders from your superior yet again. We gave you a second chance because of your position, but you’ve proven how incompetent mercenaries are.”</p><p>A young man practically grovels at his feet, his back quivering as he bows before the intimidating presence. His whimpers can be heard all the way from my position, and I scoot forward to get a better view at the scene. “I-I had no choice!” He cries, his arms barely supporting him as he continues to tremble in fear. “My shipment must’ve been intercepted, there’s no way-" The Dai Li flicks his hand, a band of earth wrapping around the younger man’s mouth. It looked akin to a beaded necklace, but instead of being a simple item of jewellery, it could potentially suffocate the man. He tries to speak through the rock, but he’s interrupted again. The idiot, he should just save his breath rather than trying to speak through the impossible.</p><p>“I don’t want to hear your excuses any more.” Whenever either of the pair spoke, I inched closer and closer towards the lower level. First it was lurking under the hay, then it was reaching the edge of the walkway. Then struggling to hold myself against the underside of the walkway. I quickly had to slink around the edge, and my hands are burning so the unfinished wood of the floor isn’t helping quell my pain. When I landed to prepare my strike, I honestly forgot that the Dai Li that were once creeping in these shadows were nowhere to be seen. Not a trace of any of them. “I tire of your stupidity. You will now tell me this and I might let you live. Where. Is. The. Shipment.” He spits, not even trying to mask it as a question. I slip out a blade from my belt, rolling the handle in my palm. </p><p>I know I told myself I’d stop using them for awhile but I’ve started carrying it on me just for intimidating my enemies and yet here I am, so ready to just fight this agent one on one. My fists won’t be able to knock him down that quickly, he has a leg up on me with his earth bending and my injuries. “I’ve told you already, I don’t know what happened!” The man cries, with each syllable I step out closer on over-turned out feet to hide the sound of my feet. “Please, please don’t take me to the lake I’m begging you!” His hands wring the hem of the Dai Li’s coat, which is quite easily the dumbest thing he could’ve done in this situation. What the hell does he mean ’the lake’? Lake Laogai? What’s happening at Lake Laogai?</p><p>“You will go to the lake in pieces!” He exclaims, bending a sharp rock towards the man. I launch myself from my hiding spot, gaining momentum. Before the rock can make contact with the man I kick it to deflect its path, stumbling onto my back as the younger man scurries away. I can only glance as he runs out the door because I really need to devote my full attention towards this fight that’s put me at a disadvantage. The Dai Li turns his focus to me, bending a pointed stalagmite towards my side. I narrowly avoid being speared by rolling to my right side, facing away from it. He almost reaches forward with the movement, and I roll back onto my back, staring up at him like he was a mountain. Quickly, my leg swings to strike the crease of his elbow with my heel. He cowers down, practically yelping in pain because I kick pretty hard and I hit his chi.</p><p>My leg smacks to the ground after my attack, but I quickly prop myself into a side plank by putting immense pressure on my toes. Almost repeating the movement, I swing my other leg straight across his annoying face. It would’ve been better if I struck with the inside of my foot, but I accidentally went toe-to-jaw in my attack. His wide-brimmed hat slides forward as he leans back, temporarily blocking his vision. In his blindness, he stumbles backwards into one of the wooden support beams. He almost sinks to the ground, but seeing as this agent is high-ranking, he wouldn’t go down that easily. My feet are already in pain because I haven’t broke in my shoes yet, which is just lovely. I slide my dagger out of its sheath, sprinting towards the agent and swiping it down towards his chest. Regrettably, my skills with this blade aren’t finely tuned yet, and I left myself vulnerable to the Dai Li agent. </p><p>He grasps my already pained wrist with a grubby hand, twisting it sharply. I wince as he rubs right into the scarred area, using my lack of support to swing me towards the support he was just knocked against. The bastard stands quickly, letting go of me as he regains his composure. I reach out towards the supporting beam, almost at a perfect horizontal position. Maou would be proud of me going into the flagpole position, but I don’t have time to focus on that. Both my hands get cut up on the unsanded wood as I swing around the beam, propelling me back towards the agent. I bend one of my legs, ready to strike him as I come back around. My foot strikes him square across the jaw, and I land to my feet with the dismount, immediately cradling my scarred, bloody wrists. The agent glides backwards, tripping and almost falling smack on his back as I run to finish the job. </p><p>My right hands grasps his shoulder, bloodying his clearly padded uniform, and unintentionally putting myself in more pain. I force him onto the ground roughly, biting my tongue to relieve the pain my splintered palm feels. As his neck makes contact with the gravelly floor, I scoot forward to practically straddle him. The agent tenses up quickly once I reach that position, but I send him into a limp state again by socking him in the face. His hat flies off, which is probably going to make me trip later. My entire hand is throbbing, begging me to disengage and save what little strength I have left to open the door and run home. But this asshole refuses to just fall unconscious like the rest of his goons. I falter with my strike, and the man aggressively clenches his hand against my neck. He switches positions with me, pinning me below himself to choke me. </p><p>Normally I’d make some raunchy comment about this situation being hot and telling him to slow down, but my usual persona left when I drew blood. I gasp for air before my head thunks backwards, causing the damned agent to grip even tighter. I raise my knee quickly, jabbing him in the elbow yet again. I wrap my arm around the arm that’s choking me, pulling him down. I strike him with the palm of my hand, using that power to knock him off of me. I may be stronger than the usual Ba Sing Se teenager, but I can’t exactly fight to my full potential while being pinned to the ground. Especially if the one that’s pinning me is nearly twice my size and age. He rocks back in pain, and I kick my leg over him once again, rolling over to pin his arm behind his back. I’m shaking, barely holding him back with the sheer power of fear because I know if I let go he will kill me. </p><p>As he struggles beneath me, I can sense his growing panic. He’s frantically searching the room for the rest of his gang, but none come to his aid. In fact, there’s no other Dai Li in the room besides him. They all must’ve disappeared before I emerged from the shadows, and I’m going to take credit for that until I get a real answer. I’m trembling just as much as the agent is now, except he seems to be at no shortage of energy. My hands are slipping down his leathery arm, and I know I can’t weigh him down for much longer. I barely focus on the rest of the room, ignoring the fact that another figure rushes past one of the supporting beams in the shadows. I shut my eyes momentarily to help me repress a scream of pain, as if me not being able to see will make my grip stronger. When I finally open my eyes again, I’m greeted by the elbow that I struck multiple times this night.</p><p>He strikes me square in the face, and I struggle to balance as my vision already starts to blur. The Dai Li starts to stand up, and I collapse towards him while my hand cradles my head. He bumps me into the other direction before I can fall down, giving my legs a break. As I start to fall down for what I hope is the final time, he grasps my shoulders with both hands to hold me up. I try to look through my sweaty strands of hair that of course had to fall on my face, but before I reach his eyes he bends a rock to knock my leg sharply at an angle its not supposed to go to. I collapse swiftly, wanting to reach to cradle my pained, most likely fractured leg, but I can’t seem to open my eyes. The damned Dai Li can’t leave me alone with my pain for a moment, because a first of earth launches me into the air, high enough that I can glance at the upper story of the warehouse.</p><p>With my harsh landing, I roll towards the centre of the ground. My eyes struggle to open this time, but I try to make out the Dai Li’s face before I die. Instead of that bastard walking towards me, another figure walks past me, presumable to finish off the agent. His wooden mask is blue, and it’s somehow reminiscent of my childhood, but I can’t place my finger as to what. I prop myself up, and the secretive figure starts attacking the agent. He draws out two curved swords from sheathes on his back, using them to defend himself against the rocks the agent bends towards him. He advances more, striking the agent swiftly in various parts of his body, blocking his earth bending. The blue masked man kicks him across the floor, running to knock him against the wooden beams. Its all moving so fast, I can barely focus on it. </p><p>I use my fire bending to cauterise the open wounds on my arms, which isn’t a great solution but it’s a good temporary fix. I lean against a wooden support, watching the fight commence. Did my scuffle go this quickly? It seemed so slow at the time but maybe it was just as fast-moving as this one. I look up again to watch more of the fight, but its silent on that side of the roo. The Dai Li is hanging limp in his bondage, and the shadowy figure starts walking towards me. My heart starts pounding, and I try to remain calm and collected as he approaches me. The dragon’s face is unsettling to see, especially since it was the only part of him illuminated, but he looked in no rush to harm me. Which is strange, because I’m clearly hostile but maybe he saw the pain in my eyes as I remain on the ground. Thankfully my mask hasn’t fallen, and I can continue to conceal my identity.</p><p>Once he’s an arm’s length away, he extends a hand towards me, presumably to help me up. He seems inviting, but I don’t trust it. I quickly swing my injured leg around, knocking him down. The sweep-the-leg is a no-fail attack to use if I want to get rid of someone quickly. I should’ve done it earlier. The figure slams to his back, clearly shocked to be attacked by me. I kick him in the side again, quickly adjusting myself to crawl as he rolls to his other side. I grasp his right shoulder, angling myself as I punch him across the jaw. I don’t stop, I just keep hitting him until there’s no fight in the figure beneath me. I roll onto my back, catching my breath before I reach to check his pulse. He’s still alive, which is good I suppose. Amongst my many crimes, I don’t want to add murderer to the list. </p><p>I can tell he’s still conscious. But something holds me back from finishing him off. I’d say pity, but I’m not sure. I have nothing left to investigate, and even if I did I was in no position to fight more. I just awkwardly rise to my feet, limping away towards the exit. I lean out into the walkway, getting a crisp breeze of cool air to hit me right in the wounds. I sigh, blowing some heated air in front of me before setting off on my long trek home. I think about that masked vigilante. I’ve never seen him before, or anything like him prior to this. I’m the only one that goes out into the city, and I ponder if it’s one of Maou’s goons he sent out to test me. Maou’s philosophy is to be the first to strike, do it quickly, and have no mercy on the enemy. Which I did technically demonstrate.</p><p>But this blue-masked guy was different. He doesn’t fight like an earth bender, he’s less grounded and more agile. I’m not sure who the hell he is, but I can’t spend all night worrying about it. I taught him a lesson to not cross my path, and I do not want to see him again. He did finish off the agent for me, but this was just an off night, I continue to reassure myself. The feeling of not being the strongest honestly worries me, I think it has more to do with my pride than genuine fear. I already have one main adversary to deal with, and we have a routine we’ve been doing for years. I don’t need some rogue, mask-wearing bastard to throw off my groove.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. "It’s not that easy when your hands are broken”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm back! School started up again so it's been hard trying to find a good time to just sit and write. NOTE: I'm experimenting with switching the perspective of the story (instead of it always being from first person with reader, it will be third person and follow other characters) </p><p>Oh and I also finished reading Catcher in the Rye so...yeah</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I look down at my body, which is very easy considering I’m laying down in bed. My hip bones jut out slightly, and I pat them gently because I have nothing better to do. My hands are less tender now, and I can actually touch something without feeling like I got stabbed. My leg, however, was not healing as swiftly. It was only a minor fracture, but with that injury plus the walk home (which was mostly uphill, not that it matters but it felt like it hurt more), my leg was not happy. I spent all of yesterday laying on this same bed, my leg practically covered with ice water. I don’t see how it helps, but it’s nice being able to order Yi around while I’m in my injured state.</p><p>I vividly remember what happened when I got home that night. Yi was sitting by the counter with a cup of tea, anticipating my arrival. She probably was waiting for me to saunter in, smack the cup out of her hand and destroy the shop. Because that’s what she says I do every time. Instead, I struggled to open the door, and when I did, I looked straight into Yi’s tired eyes. My bloody hands were leaving marks on the doorframe, and dried blood covered most of my clothes and face because I kept touching myself. My leg was awkwardly rotated, and my mask had fallen below my. chin. I gave her a crooked smile, said “hey”, and collapsed to the ground from sheer exhaustion. And then I woke up pampered in my bed, a steaming bowl of bibimbap on my bedside, and my hands wrapped with so much bandages they looked like paws.</p><p>“I still can’t believe you didn’t reach to unmask him, that would’ve been so dramatic.” Jin groans from the foot of my bed, where she examines some roll of parchment she found on my bedside. I bet it’s not that entertaining, but Jin always needs to be doing something. It used to annoy me, but I’ve just grown accustomed to it now. She’s so…pure. She’s perfect, always putting on a mask of happiness whenever she’s by me still bothers me because she feels like she has to be the stronger one between us and I know she’s been hurting. And her body herself is perfect, I don’t think she’s ever broken a bone. It amazes me how involved she gets with hearing about my escapades without having any idea of the emotional toll it takes on me. </p><p>“It’s not that easy when your hands are broken,” I laugh in response, indicating my bandaged hands. I could probably take most of these wrappings off, maybe just leaving one layer so I don’t spill something into the wound. My hands are still shaky. It’s not from the nerves, at least I hope its not. But something about that night was just so intense, I couldn’t take a moment to fix my hands. It wasn’t that the leader of the Dai Li was exceptionally challenging, but that secondary vigilante just threw me off. He wasn’t fighting against me, but I work alone. I don’t need someone else trying to steal my thunder, I mean, I’m a solo act for a reason. </p><p>“Also, I’m going to be busy tonight so I can’t hang out.” Jin glances at her nails, leaning on her supporting arm. “Remember that guy I met while I was picking up my brother? Well we ran into each other again in the market, and we’re gonna go see a play tonight because he can sneak us in.” I really do care about Jin, but I’m having more trouble trying to keep up with every guy she gets with. They always start out this way, being the most perfect person she’s seen and the most polite and caring and the most gentlemenly an the most anything really. This isn’t to say Jin bad person, and her choices aren’t necessarily all bad, but it always makes me a little sad hearing about the shit she puts up with.</p><p>Around my twelfth birthday (the day that Maou just dubbed my birthday, I really have no idea if it’s my real birthday) Jin excitedly told me about her neighbour Chin, who kissed her after she brought him some moon cakes for his move-in. She failed to mention that he was nearly seventeen, or that he was the one that got her to start wearing tighter outfits because she’d 'filled in' over the summer. Ever since then, it was always a new person that Jin claimed she was in love with. I never understood how she could meet so many assholes in the city, but Jin was always more social than me. If I mentioned one of their names now, she would pretend it didn’t happen. It’s how she copes with being hurt, but I could never be that way. I never forgot. </p><p>Then two years later, it was Jin telling me about how she met someone who really understood her. And it turned out to be another seventeen-year-old that called her pretty and took her virginity behind the noodle shop he worked at. They’re all the same, talking sweetly to her and putting up with her for a month or so before leaving her high and dry. After awhile she stopped crying when they stopped talking to her, she just went numb. Jin never let that get between us, she always still acted as the bubbly girl I used to know. I just want to hold her and force her to cry and release all of the pent-up feelings she holds onto, but Jin would just deny that if I confronted her. “What play are you going to?” I ask, starting to unravel the many layers of bandages with dried blood from my hands. Jin scrunches her lips to the side, looking towards the wall.</p><p>“Umm….Love Amongst the Dragons, I think. I’m not really sure, he kinda just told me where to meet him.”</p><p>Well that’s vague as hell and it really makes me wonder what their encounter was like for that to be all the information she has and then it hit me. I flop back onto my pillow, nearly smacking my head on my headboard. “That’s where it’s from!” I exclaim, smacking my hand onto my forehead. Jin casts me a confused look, so I enlighten her. “The mask the second guy was wearing, it’s from the Love Amongst the Dragons play. I can’t believe I forgot that, I saw that show a few times with Maou and Yi.” She seems unsatisfied with my answer, but I can’t expect her to realise how much of a relief to me to know that I wasn’t going insane or sustained a head injury. </p><p>Jin walks over to my mirror, adjusting her braids to be more even. “Well when you’re done with thinking about your childhood, we can head over to the tea shop.” I just stare down at my hands, refusing to move. I reach towards my nightstand, grabbing a new roll of gauze to rebind my hands, except in less of a mitten-y way. I tuck the edges under, doing some jazz hands and a few clenches to test the movability. Stiffly, I roll out of my bed and walk to meet Jin by my door. At least my leg is feeling better, I think Yi used some of her really special healing things to take care of it because it would take a few months for me to recover from that, and that’s time that the Triad can’t bear to lose. </p><p>Though Jin spends a majority of her time at my house, uninvited or not, Yi always acts as if it is some surprise that she shows up. I try to be as quiet as possible creeping down the stairs because I really don’t want to get caught up in some meaningless small talk when I could just be on my merry way towards Pao’s tea place. My padded hand partially sticks to Jin’s overly long sleeves as I grasp her wrist to drag her down the stairs, but my stealthy efforts are always in vain when I have to cart someone else along.<br/>
Yi pokes her head through the doorway besides the stairs, glancing up at us from the kitchen. “Jin! I’m glad you’re here, I need you to taste something for me because this brat,” she eyes me in a teasingly angry way, “refuses to try my cooking when I ask her to.” Jin nods excitedly, prancing off to the kitchen behind Yi to test some new concoction that if proven successful, will be our only meal for the next month because Yi is terrible at portion control. And her little quip about me not trying her food isn’t a complete lie, I only like to try her food when I know what’s in it and when she’s across the kitchen so she doesn’t see me.</p><p>“Ooh, I love dasik, are you practicing making these for the final spring festival?” Jin excitedly asks, wiping stray crumbs from her half-eaten cookie away from her green tunic. In reality, the final spring festival isn’t for another month and a half, but Yi always likes an excuse to make unseasonal desserts. I’m reluctant to even try this recipe because dasik are made with green tea, and now that I’ve tasted how proper tea should be, I can never partake of the nastiness that Yi serves. It’s not her fault, the rest of Ba Sing Se is the same way. If I could I would put Mushi in the spotlight to correct these sinful ways of my fellow citizens, but he seems like more of the humble type. I don’t know what switched in my brain during my days of healing, but I suddenly feel a stronger gravitation towards finding out more about Lee and Mushi. </p><p>“I wanted to practice making these sooner so I could stockpile on the ingredients before the rush comes later in the year. And, the ingredients are all at a discount now because of the low demand.” Yi gives a cheesy grin, and I can’t help but roll my eyes at her typicality of trying to find a bargain on items that are already cheap. Jin and Yi get along so well, always laughing and flirting and complimenting. Except for when it comes to me. Which I don’t necessarily mind, I don’t really care to be babied, but it’s just so fascinating how I attract these bubbly people to be in my inner circle, and how miraculous it is that I haven’t murdered one of them yet. Maybe someday I will, but not for awhile and I just know that no matter how much they irritate me, I’d feel so lost without them. </p><p>“Okay, thank you for your little demonstration, but Jin and I really have to get going.”<br/>
I reach to yank Jin away from the counter, but Yi casts me an angered stare, as if I’m squandering away her best friend. “Well excuuuuuse me for just trying to be nice to you girls. The things I do for you Y/N, and you can’t even give me a proper thanks or an ounce of respect? Why me?” Yi laments in self pity, trying to elicit a reaction from Jin because Yi lacked getting enough attention as a child and now as a secluded housewife. I have and would invite her to join us some days, but it’s a little awkward trying to hang out with your friend that’s essentially a sex addict and frequently goes out drinking. I don’t think Jin would cross that line in a conversation with Yi, but you never really know and it’s too awkward to try to control what she can and can’t say without sounding all sensitive.</p><p>Regarding me, I have no idea how much Yi knows about my personal life. She knows how violent my tendencies are in a rush of adrenaline, in fact, she practically encourages it whenever I’m sent out on a mission. But does she know I drink? I’ve had a bit of alcohol around celebrations, but I always pretend that it’s disgusting and sour. She knows I’ve been to parties, but does she know about how I get nearly blackout drunk every other time just as an excuse for Jin to take me away from the overstimulation. Does Yi think I’m a virgin? Well, to be perfectly honest I'm not sure if I want to count my past encounters as completely consensual and applicable, but I have mixed feelings regarding Yi’s knowledge of that. While I don’t want her to think I’m some whore that gets passed around like a volleyball, I don’t really want her to think I’m a prude (I’m irrationally insecure in that way). Not that either of those are true, I’ve had my fair share of sexual encounters but I'm not ready for her to know that yet, if you know what I mean. </p><p>I force Jin out of the house, leaving her to give a pitiful wave towards Yi as I almost slam the door on her hand. “Y’know you don’t have to pretend like you like Yi when you’re over, right?” I prod at Jin, but she merely dismisses my statement with a flick of her hand and a sharp tut. Of course Jin believes in respecting her elders, but Yi isn’t even an elder, she’s not even ten years older than us. Jin’s parents would probably consider her to be just as young as we were, and Jin’s slept with guys older than Yi. I don’t see the need to act as if she’s wiser than us, all she has on me is a few years and less skills. And by no means am I trying to be rude to Yi, I do appreciate her dearly, but honestly, it gets unbearable having to act like she’s superior over me just because she decided to marry her sugar daddy when I was ten. </p><p>I don’t like to linger on my younger years, but I still can remember my first adoptive mother. She was Maou’s first wife to my knowledge, but a man of his age and stature likes to keep many secrets so I wouldn’t be surprised to learn otherwise. She never told me her first name because she insisted on me referring to her as “ma’am", she was nowhere as lenient or kind as Yi. She scrubbed every bit of the Water Tribe out of my system, the only reason I remember my heritage is because of trauma and Maou forcedly reminding me. She tried to train me to be a proper lady that could be married off when I was of age, but you can see how that clearly didn’t turn out great. Come to think of it, she passed away only a bit before Maou married Yi…I’m now realising that he probably got tired of putting up with her and had her killed. It makes sense, I would’ve done the same. </p><p>“So,” Jin gives me those mysterious eyes that she always casts before making an overtly sexual comment or points out a way to embarrass me. “We’re gonna go see your new friend, Jun-" Lee. I cut in sharply, harsher than I intended. Jin just smirks more at my reddening cheeks and continues her narrative. “Lee it is. But you guys spent a lot of time walking together a few days ago, how was that? Any sparks fly?” She asks with a dramatic flicker of her fingers, as if she threw some imaginary confetti on our path. I bump into her sharply with my shoulder, trying to mask my redness with awkward laughter which is entirely out of character for me, so I don’t even know why I’m trying to hide this from Jin, who can read me just like a book.</p><p>“He’s not very talkative, but he was a good listener so I’m sure he’d love hearing you rant about your many escapades.” I attempted to make a jab at Jin, but she’s nearly impossible to crack. She just laughs with my statement, running her hands down her braids to fiddle with the ends. “Ooh, you’d think he’d want to tag along with me and my loverboy? I’m sure he’d love to listen to us making sweet love in the balcony during the play.” Jin laughs while making a kiss face, and I sheepishly look away to mask my embarrassment from the aunties on both sides of the street. How the hell does Jin just say stuff like that with no regrets or thinking twice? I don’t care how ‘in love’ I am, I’m never going to shout out my sex life towards the town of judgemental aunties. And, I’m sure by Maou’s surveillance team, he would find out and chastise me for being so impure and tarnishing his reputation. </p><p>“Er- Jin, don’t say that stuff when we get to the tea shop.” I rub the back of my neck carefully, nearly scratching it with the prickly gauze. “I don’t want you to get us kicked out of another place.” Jin rolls her eyes with a scoff, pretending as if she’s not the reason we can’t go out to our old hangout places. We can’t go to the pottery workshop because she made sexual movements with her wheel, we can’t go to this tea shop in the upper ring because she was flirting with the married owner of the restaurant, we can’t go to this clothing shop because she applied to work there without washing all of the leftover semen from her hair. She isn’t necessarily unhygienic, but when you’re in a rush to meet an interview after an early morning dick appointment, you don’t really have time to properly shower and tidy yourself.</p><p>I open the door for Jin as usual, letting her walk into the newly cleaned tea shop and guide me towards our usual seating area…which was taken this time, so Jin resorted to taking one across the shop. I sit across from her, my back towards the wall as I begin to fiddle my fingers in the guise of my oversized sleeves and cross my feet anxiously. Why is my heart racing? I enjoy ordering tea, I enjoy hanging out with Jin. Literally what is there to be nervous about? I blame it on my hands, I just know they’re going to draw unwanted attention when I reach to hold my cup. I could try to hold the cup with my sleeves, but my first mother taught me that covering your hands with tea is a sign of unworthiness, and as lame and dated as that sounds, it somehow stuck with me and lowkey traumatised me into never doing that.</p><p>Jin scans the room for anyone she recognises to gossip to me about, it’s our new favourite game to make up backstories for random people we find in the street. Now that it’s in the colder season, we only have about another hour or so of perfect daylight before the beautiful sunset takes over the sky and limits my vision. “Okay, the man with the thin beard behind me, what do you make of him?” I subtly glance past Jin’s shoulder, trying to surmise what stereotype she would place on him today. Looking at her hand placement and how she cocked her head slightly to the left while asking me to look at him indicates that she thinks he’s foreign royalty. I know Jin’s rotation of narratives, which means she hasn’t claimed that they were banished from their homeland recently. I uncross my hands and recross them the other way, not taking care to conceal my mittens.</p><p>“He was the heir to his father’s kingdom but got banished for dishonouring the family and set up roots in Ba Sing Se to flee those that still want to kill him.” I squint my eyes, nodding slightly while pretending to not stare at the man. “He’s grown accustomed to earth kingdom mannerisms because of his wife here, but still has trouble with a few things ingrained from his childhood. He gave up on his search for the man that would help him regain his honour, who used to be his father’s best friend but betrayed him.” Jin laughs at my narrative, which alerts the man to glance over at us but he honestly has no idea of what we’re really talking about.</p><p>“That’s just unrealistic Y/N, I thought you were better at this! Who would go spend years searching for a traitor? You really shot for fantasy this time.”</p><p>Lee stacks his used tray in the back by the others, glancing towards the customers to see who to attend to next. His eyes scan the room, narrowing on a pair in the corner who have yet to receive their tea. His gaze softens as he recognises a familiar face, and refuses to break his gaze as he unfastens his apron and rests it on a hook in the back. “Uncle, I’m going to take my break now.” He mutters towards Mushi, barely acknowledging him as usual. Mushi seems shocked at first, watching as his socially awkward nephew saunters out towards the centre of the shop, his concern fading to a smile as he realises who he’s walking towards. She’s a good influence, he tells himself, smiling as he continues to rinse out a used teapot.</p><p>“I- uh,” My ears perk up at the familiar voice, Jin following my gaze as we look at the boy standing a few feet away from our table. “Can I sit with you?” he asks, facing me but directing the question at both of us. Jin’s going to be one hell of a tease later. I give him an affirmative response, nodding as he drags a chair from the adjacent table to sit beside Jin and I. At first we all sit awkwardly, not knowing how to start the conversation. What is there to ask him? As I learned from our last conversation, Lee doesn’t really do much except work. I glance at Jin to start, but she gives me a pointed look as if she was saying ‘it’s your friend, you start the conversation’. Damn she can be annoying. I look up towards Lee, but his eyes are fixated on something else.</p><p>“What happened?” We both ask simultaneously, indicating the other’s injuries. Jin hides a laugh behind her arched palm, and we both look away shyly again. Have interactions always been this awkward? I swear Jin and I never got along this roughly. He slightly nods his head towards me, indicating me to share first. While it’s polite to do that, it kinda puts me on the spot to come up with an excuse. “Oh, I-uh, hurt my hand while helping Yi cook.” In my rush to come up with an excuse I don’t even realise that I just called Yi ‘Yi' in front of Lee, who doesn’t know about our awkward relationship but at this point I hope he doesn’t notice. Lee looks confused, but not inherently suspicious so I just exhale with relief when he blinks because thankfully my on-the-fly excuse sufficed.</p><p>“You hurt both of your hands in the kitchen?” He points towards my equally bandaged hands, which I shyly tuck one under the other as if it would just make the question go away.</p><p>“Yes,”</p><p>“Oh. Sorry about that.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Damn why do I sound like such an idiot. I would facepalm right no except then it would hurt my hands even more than the constant throbbing that I’m stuck with. I never thought of myself as particularly suave or relaxed, but I didn’t expect myself to be this nervous around Lee. Which is strange because I can’t stop thinking about how well we got along yesterday, I guess Jin is making me overthink everything that happened between us and now I just want to crawl into a little hole and pretend that I don’t exist. “What happened to your jaw?” I indicate with my paw, as if Lee doesn’t know where the purple bruise was.</p><p>“I tripped.” He answered very rushed, as if he’d been practicing the whole time I was talking. I just know he’s hiding something, nobody trips on just their jaw. But then again nobody hurts both of their hands in the kitchen cooking with their mom. I just don’t press further because I really don’t want to have him direct the questions back at me. We both mirror each other again, looking down at our hands as Jin just flicks her eyes between both of us as if this was some sort of play. Millions of thought flow to my head, curiosity is plaguing me as I try to figure out how Lee got bruised there. Is it really a bruise? It’s not as big as a normal hit would be…what if it was a hickey? I try to disguise my sudden shock from having Jin’s sex talk on the mind, but what if Lee secretly has a girlfriend? I mean, what should I care?</p><p>“Good afternoon ladies and nephew.” Mushi beams to ease the awkwardness, carrying a teapot in one hand and a stack of four cups in the other. “I thought today we could all share some jasmine tea with this cold weather.” He never breaks his smile, not even moving his position as Jin springs up from her seat to switch to the one next to me so that Mushi could sit next to Lee. How considerate of her. I just stare blankly ahead, nodding lightly as Lee casts a death stare towards Mushi for interrupting. But honestly, what was there to interrupt? Mushi’s more talkative anyways, I don’t mind him buying us tea and sharing it with us anyways. “How has your day been?”</p><p>“It’s been just fine, thank you for asking!” Jin smiles wider than Mushi, tucking a loose hair behind her ear as she begins to unstack the tea cups and distribute them between us. “I’m going to watch a play later, have you and Lee had a chance to see the entertainment of Ba Sing Se yet?” Mushi shakes his head calmly as Lee aggressively yanks the cup from Mushi while still casting daggers towards him. If looks could kill, I would be the witness of a crime scene. Perhaps the two of them don’t get along as well as Lee entailed at first. “Well, Y/N’s lived here for awhile so she’d be happy to show you guys around sometime.” She grips her hand on my shoulder, and I flinch at the contact, nodding as if she held a knife to my throat. Maybe if I got to spend more time with Lee I could find out why he really has a bruised jaw.</p><p>“Yeah, it really wouldn’t be a bother. Just stop by whenever, you know where I live,” I awkwardly laugh, reaching to rest my hand on the back of my head. Damn, I feel like one of the background characters of a play that has like three gestures they keep doing because that’s all that was in their stage directions. And, apparently, mine is rubbing the back of my neck and laughing awkwardly because that’s all I seem to do today. Of course it always hurts as I put contact on my hands, but it’s better than keeping my hands limp by my sides. Mushi’s eyes widen as he sees my bandaged hands and reaches across the table to grasp the side of my other hand.</p><p>“What did you do to yourself? Is it a burn wound?” He looks genuinely concerned, gently feeling to see where the tender parts are. I shake my head gently, just letting Mushi attend to this because I trust him. Lee eyes the interaction with disgust, genuinely bothered that his uncle had to interfere with his failed interaction. “It doesn’t matter, that bandaging isn’t the right type for your hands, it’s impractical. Wait here.” I just lean back as Mushi bustles off towards the back of the shop, not even questioning 1) how he knows about proper bandaging for cut wounds because that’s only something you’d learn in the military and 2) why he has those in the shop. But I’m starting to realise that Mushi is just a strange man to begin with so I don’t question it.</p><p>“I’ll be right back, I’m going to take our pot to get refilled.” I awkwardly state, trying to lift it with my fingers rather than my palm to ease the pressure on my hand. Jin watches me leave with a forced smile, waiting until I’m out of earshot. It’s the very expression you give whenever I get into an argument with Maou and Yi at some fancy restaurant and we have to pretend that we’re happy and enjoying the meal as a waitor comes by. Clearly that reaction is mutual for Jin and I. She quickly reaches forward, snapping her fingers directly in front of Lee’s dazed stare to get him to put attention on her.</p><p>“So, you’re into Y/N aren’t you?” Lee opens his mouth to splutter out some kind of defence, but Jin just raises a hand to stop him. “It’s okay, I won’t tease. But do you really expect to win her over just by sitting there like a fish with your mouth gaping open?” Lee frowns, visibly upset with her accusations, probably because they aren’t entirely unfounded. “Just loosen up a bit, you’re stressing me out with all that tenseness.” Lee narrows his eyes, frustrated by Jin’s casualness with him and her ability to just assume like that. He maintains a serious stare towards her until I get close enough to walk towards them, in which Jin pretends to be laughing at something Lee said and subtly kicks his leg under the table. Classic Jin, even I know she’s bullshitting it.</p><p>“So, uh, Y/N,” I look straight towards Lee as any normal person would, but it just seems to have scared him more because his eyes (or should I say eye, the other one is permanently squinted- sorry I know that was a little too far) get wider than usual. I can sense Jin eagerly nodding and gesticulating with her hands under the table to prompt Lee to go on, this is all going according to her plan in which the three of us and her mystery man will become this great friendgroup and do everything together. However, the universe doesn’t smile fondly on elabourate plans such as that. Lee clasps and unclasps his hands as if he doesn’t know what to say. “Do you-“</p><p>“I found them!” Mushi interjects, setting a roll down onto the table to break Lee and I’s stare. He indicates for me to raise my hand, which I reluctantly do so because I blatantly lied about this to Lee but it’s a little too late to back out and pretend that I don’t need it. Mushi digs his finger gently under the edge of the wrapping, peeling it up to gingerly unravel the layers of tightly bound gauze. Layer by layer, my heart rate increases as Lee just stares at my palm and damn sir can I get some privacy? Finally, Mushi removes the last layer and tosses the bloodied gauze towards Lee in a way to tell him to take care of it. “Well that’s not very good.” He looks uncertainly at my palm, genuinely concerned for my wellbeing which is heartfelt, except for the fact that my bloodied, sliced open hands are out to display for the entire shop. “It looks like there’s some splinters in here, may I ask how you got this gash?”</p><p>Since when did Mushi become my doctor? I just gape, unable to really enunciate my problem. Lee looks shocked, yet very confused at my misleading description. I try to speak but my mouth goes dry for some reason, so I just kinda shrug as Mushi reaches for some ointment. He gently dabs at the wound, irritating me but not enough for me to verbally scream like I did at home. I probably didn’t need to scream at home but I felt pent up for awhile so that was my opportunity to do so. “I can’t remove the splinters here, but please get that done when you get back home.” I nod as he quickly rewraps my hand with such ease at such a speed that leaves me really speechless and confused. Maybe it’s just Yi, but it took her at least fifteen minutes to get my hand completely wrapped because she kept restarting to make it even. “I’m assuming the other hand is the same.”</p><p>I nod again, waiting a grand total of a minute for him to go through the same procedure again. I grab my wrist, gently moving my hand around with its new binding. It’s so much more comfortable than when Yi put the sandpaper on twice as thick. Damn, I need to get Mushi to attention to me more often, though I can’t exactly let him know that I’m getting injured severely again or 1) he’ll suspect me of doing some kind of fighting or 2) he thinks I’m getting abused at home. Neither of those are something I’d like him to think or assume about me, despite them being somewhat true, so I suppose I’ll have to manage with Yi or try to learn how he did it. “Thanks,” I smile softly, feeling all timid because I’m not good with compliments.</p><p>Mushi just greets me with another wide smile, resting a hand on my shoulder and the other on Lee’s. I hope Jin doesn’t feel too left out, but she seems to be enjoying herself while watching this unfold. “Well, thank you for entertaining me on my break. It is really lovely to see you two again.” Damn, does Mushi ever stop smiling? I swear he’s not as old as he appears but he just has extreme smile lines by his eyes that makes him look quite honestly too old to be Lee’s uncle. But then again, Maou looks to be around Mushi’s age so I suppose that it’s not entirely uncommon, I mean, technically guys can have kids for most of their life so maybe he just has a younger mother. I want to stop thinking about that now, that’s fucking disgusting. </p><p>Jin looks over her shoulder quickly, glancing out the window to see the colour of the sky to estimate what time she should leave to meet her date. The sky was starting to turn a peachy colour, bordering on a darker pink as the sun slipped down over the wall of the fortress of a city. It’s almost sundown, and she promised to meet her date at sundown so she’s really got to get going soon or she’ll give a bad third impression. She taps me with her foot briskly, slightly nodding towards the door. “Well, it’s been really nice sharing tea with you, but we have to leave now before it's too late.” Jin smiles, standing up to bow to Mushi and Lee while dragging my arm to get me to leave. Technically, it’s Jin’s plans that are making her leave. I could just stay here with Lee and Mushi, but I don’t want to keep them for longer than their break allows and Jin wouldn’t let me stay like that. </p><p>The men watch as we start for the door, but a random Jin-level impulse stops me from getting yanked out. “Lee, you wanna come?” I ask, feeling JIn pinch me sharply. She usually is all for getting me a boyfriend and would be thrilled with this proposition, except for the fact she’s late to meeting her date, which also means that he’s particularly special to her. Lee looks back at the shop, shrugs, and starts to walk over towards me. Fuck. I didn’t think he actually would, but I don’t necessarily mind either. We exit the shop with a sharp 'only twenty minutes' coming from Pao who was keeping very close track of Lee’s break, apparently. Jin takes off ahead of us, leading the way to her undisclosed meeting location. “Jin has a date tonight, so we’re going to meet this guy and see if he’s up to standard.”</p><p>Lee nods, clearly not caring about the context and silently follows as Jin rounds the corner sharply up towards the middle ring. The theatre is in the upper ring, so she and this guy must’ve planned to walk there together. Perhaps Lee and I can just walk to the meeting spot and then part ways for the night. It’s nice getting to just have someone to walk with without the constant need to point out everything around us. “Lee, I’m sure you’ll get along great with him! You guys have so much in common, recently coming to Ba Sing Se and all.” She glances over her shoulder wickedly, giving us a devilish smirk as she proceeds, “If this goes well tonight, we can go on a double date next time.” Lee and I both take a step back, shocked as Jin cackles maniacally. I fight the urge to glance at Lee because I know he frantically looked towards me, and I’m still trying to appear as the cool, calm, collected one. “Oh! There he is!”</p><p>Jin sprints from us, jogging towards a dark figure leaning on the side of one of the houses of the street. Lee and I follow her slower, unintentionally walking closer together because Jin has a strange type and I really don’t want to end up getting killed by some guy that flirted with her. Hopefully Lee can defend himself because I’m not really in my prime at the moment. As we get closer, his figure is more prominent to me. He doesn’t look to be as of the same ilk as Earth Kingdom residents, but then again neither do I or Lee particularly. He has dark brown hair, which is slightly shaggy but is still kept somewhat well. His skin is tanned, his eyebrows arched, and his dark almond eyes are focused on Jin with a smirk, or maybe that’s just how he smiles. An ear of grain droops from the corner of his mouth as he extends his arm to catch Jin in a side hug that’s honestly- “Jet.”</p><p>I glance up towards Lee, who’s fists are clenched tightly as he stares straight at, well I suppose his name is Jet. Jet laughs lightly, resting his arm across Jin’s shoulders as he saunters forward towards Lee and tosses the wheat somewhere on the dusty ground to his right. I feel a sudden need to cling to Lee, but I don’t want to give Jet the wrong idea. “Lee.” His expression says ‘old acquaintance’ but his eyes say ‘the bastard that killed my parents’. I don’t know what to make of it, because it’s random enough that they know each other, and Lee being as boring as he is shouldn’t have any dramatic past that would cause him to invoke such a death glare from Jet. Perhaps it’s some petty rivalry, something so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things yet important to both of them. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”</p><p>“That’s surprising. You didn’t seem to have a problem with following me and my uncle earlier.” Lee subtly shifts his stance to an offensive mode, as if he was about to strike Jet. What the hell is going on? Jin flashes me confused eyes that I match, and she presses her hand to Jet’s chest to keep him from picking a fight. The four of us wouldn’t make a great scene if some scuffle broke out: a clear foreigner, a boy with a burn mark across his face, a girl who’s hands are bound from deep cuts, and a tramp. Feeling the tension rise between the pair I instinctively grasp Lee’s shaking wrist in a way to hold him back, which elicits a break in his facade of anger. Jet’s eyes fall down towards my hand, which replace his scowl with a wicked smile. He just found a tender spot with Lee, and although I’m fond of the compliment I’m not too keen on the idea of being used as leverage later.</p><p>“Well, um, it’s nice to know that you guys know each other.” Jin cuts in, patting her hand a few times on Jet’s chest. I’m suddenly filled with an urge to yank her away from Jet, but I can’t place my finger as to why. Because he knows Lee and doesn’t get along with him? That’s not a good enough reason to mark him as an enemy to me, perhaps I’d ask Lee about it another time. Well, not another time, I’m going to find out why there’s some unresolved tension here because it concerns me now that Jin’s getting involved. “Care to tell Y/N and I how?” Lee keeps his lips pinched in a tight scowl, not reacting as I release his wrist. Jet doesn’t look down at Jin, and I know that neither of them are going to answer now so there’s really no point on trying to press the matter more.</p><p>Jet pivots to face me, softening his gaze particularly because I no longer was touching Lee. “So you’re Y/N.” I nod in response, watching him smile lightly because he thinks that maybe he could somehow persuade me to be an ally of him in this little fight. He extends his free hand towards me, imploring me to shake it. I tentatively shake his back, trying to mask the hint of pain I feel as his thumb presses right into the lacerations against my palm. He glances up at the sky momentarily, as if to check the time again. “Since you’re the closest to Jin’s guardian, I promise that I’ll bring her back in one piece.” He smiles cheaply, followed by one of Jin’s little giggles she does when she’s…in the mood. I nod in return, watching carefully as they wave and walk up towards the upper ring. </p><p>I just stay in my place with Lee, I’m betting that they’re going to be early while sneaking into the play just because Jet didn’t want to stand by Lee for much longer. And I don’t blame him, I felt challenged to a fight just by standing beside them, it really wasn’t a pretty scene. I glance over at Lee, waiting for him to un-tense himself and relax a little, but that may be too much to ask for because he never seems to be completely chill. “Do you really need to be back to the shop in twenty minutes?” I ask Lee, staring straight towards the backs of Jet and Jin as they shrink farther into the distance. Lee shakes his head with a soft ’no’ and I try to hide my smile. “Good. We’re going to follow them.” </p><p>“W-we’re going to?”</p><p>I grasp him by his sleeve, yanking him towards my favourite place in the entire city- the alleyway. “Yes, we.” I peek back around the corner quickly before turning to face Lee. I didn’t realise this in my rush to pull Lee from the street but he’s standing in front of me, his hand steadying himself on the wall from my brisk movement. It’s kinda hot, seeing a guy above me like this but I just choose to ignore that feeling and go back to the matter at hand. Any of my suspicions of Lee secretly doing something like my alter ego were gone because of his utter incapacity of catching onto things like this. I guess he didn’t get that bruise from getting punched in the face. And I’m personally ruling out the option of there being a girlfriend involved, so perhaps he really did just trip…onto his chin. I’m not entirely convinced myself, but it’s the best I have so far. “But first, you’re going to tell me how you know Jet.”</p><p>“I don’t think that’s important.” Stubborn as always. Can’t he see that I’m starting to get more concerned for my friend’s safety because of this? I normally don’t care who Jin runs off with because they’re all pretty harmless, but Jet just gave me a weird vibe. I’m sure everything’s going to be fine, but part of me still needs to make sure that he’s not going to kidnap her by just checking up on them. Lee straightens his position, moving to take a step away from me because he sensed how close we were and neither of us are ready to go that far with each other because we barely know the other. Jet and Jin could never, and I normally don’t have much self restraint but here I am. </p><p>“Look, do I need to spell it out for you? I have no idea who this guy is. All I know is that he’s a foreigner to the Earth Kingdom, he has some kind of history with you that clearly made him hostile towards you which I don’t exactly want targeted at Jin, and he ran away pretty quickly. I’m kinda concerned for Jin, if that’s hard for you to understand.” I huff in an annoyed tone. Albeit I wasn’t trying to be rough with him, but I get stressed pretty easily and this uncertainty wasn’t helping my cause. “You’re going to tell me how you know him or I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands.” Damnit, if only I had my knife on me so I could actually make this threat seem valid. I realise how much I use threats to get what I want, I’m not trying to be manipulative but people don’t listen unless I give them an incentive.</p><p>Lee looks unbothered by my advance, but just sighs and rests his head against the wall as he folds his arms into some ‘cool-guy’ pose that really doesn’t suit him. It’s ironic seeing him take that stance because that’s the very pose that Jet was in before he got up to advance on Lee, and they clearly have an intense distaste for the other. “My uncle and I took the ferry from Full Moon Bay to get to Ba Sing Se and Jet was on there. I guess you could say we were friends.” I was about to cut in and say ‘that’s it?’ but Lee decides to grant me with more key information. “Once we got to the monorail to get into the city he started accusing my uncle of fire bending, so that was the end of that.” Lee doesn’t seem fazed by any of this, so perhaps it never really meant that much to him. Or maybe nothing really gets Lee that worked up, but I doubt that because I can just tell her has a fiery side. </p><p>“That’s rough…buddy.” I awkwardly rub my hand on his shoulder, still trying to process what to do with that information. “So he stalked you and wants to fight you because your uncle’s a fire bender?”</p><p>“Yes-“ Lee’s eyes flare open quickly and he corrects himself. “I mean no. I mean, yes he wants to fight me, but it’s because he thinks my uncle is a fire bender.” Lee uses his hands to indicate that his uncle is not the same as a fire bender, as if he was placing both of those titles in different boxes. His quick justification merely proves his point. Now that piques my interest, and a few other things about the tea-making duo start to make more sense. Lee and his uncle are Fire Nation refugees, and Jet knows their secret. Well, now Jet and I know. Fascinating. “I’m not a fire bender if that’s what you’re thinking.” Lee cuts in, giving his angry stare as I finishing piecing the complexity of this situation in my head.</p><p>“Now what would make you say that?” I ask in a demure way, looking up at Lee confusedly to watch his response in the oncoming darkness. He just splutters out responses of incoherency, and I take that opportunity to pull him back into the street. Our little break has given us enough of a setback that I can pursue Jet and Jin without having to do my master evasive moves. I’m going to be honest, it’s nice to get to walk with Lee in the darkening road, not really caring that soon neither of us are going to be able to properly see so it’s best that we grab some sort of lantern, but I don’t want to defer our trip anymore. I just want another walk like our delivery route, that’s all I need to satisfy me right now. “But your uncle being a fire bender makes sense, he is really good at brewing tea and bending fire could help with that,”</p><p>I let my thought trail off verbally as Lee furrows his brows in confusion and anger. He’s clearly offended by my proposition, but whether or not that’s because I’m right has yet to be manifested before me. “That’s- those two things don’t even have to do with each other!” Lee exclaims, rapidly moving his hands as if he could physically muster some logic to my reasoning. I was just saying it as a tease, and I think Lee’s realised this because I can’t stop laughing with his exasperation. I cover my mouth with my hand, looking away as I squint my eyes with a loud laugh, wanting to point and jeer at Lee for falling for my trap. “You’re such a tease.” Lee rolls his eyes, feeling standoffish towards me because this isn’t the first time I’ve pranked him like this.</p><p>“I’m awful, I know.” I regain my composure, still smiling like an idiot as I try to calm myself down from my fit of laughter. God, I can’t do that with anyone else at home because Yi wouldn’t be tricked into something like that, Jin would just tease me back with a worse insult, and Maou would probably slap me for being so immature. It’s relieving to be like this with Lee, he’s so new and interesting and captivating and I can’t get enough of him. “Alright alright, sorry for teasing you but you just reminded me of this funny story from when I was little.” I say funny because I didn’t have a particular humorous or enjoyable childhood, so what little moments of humour I had are cherished in my memory.</p><p>“Were you as annoying then as you are now?” Lee still sounds bitter, but there’s no real venom in his words and he’s clearly calmed down from his rage he felt mere moments before. I swear it was just in my head, but it felt like he was getting hotter with his rage, like flames would burst from him if I pestered him more. That’d actually be pretty cool to see, maybe I’ll try to set him off next time. I completely forget that I’m supposed to be walking to tail Jin and Jet, now it’s just like it was the other day when the two of us were walking back and forth from the tea shop and my house. Hey, I just realise that Lee’s been to my place but I haven’t seen his yet. It’s probably just an apartment or something of that ilk, but now I gotta check out his house because I’m curious.</p><p>“God no, I was worse.” I crack my fingers through the bandages which hurts my hands overall but I don’t want to leave my fingers feeling stiff. “I used to call my nanny ‘quack’ after she got chased by some loose turtle ducks in the marketplace. She hated me for it, but I’d just call her that and it would piss her off so much that it was worth it.” So that’s kinda a lie, she wasn’t my nanny, she was Maou’s first wife, but I don’t exactly know how to tell Lee that Maou’s that kinda guy, even if he may already be thinking it. “Sometimes if she was really irritating me, I’d put my hands like this,” I clap my hands together, rotating them to the side and pressing it towards my mouth to look like some large beak. “And I’d pretend to chase her around the kitchen.”</p><p>Lee doesn’t looks particularly entertained, but it’s the best I came up with in that situation. “You’re doing it wrong, if you wanted to pretend to be a turtle duck you should’ve just used one hand like this.” Lee folds his right hand in half, as if he had just grabbed something, and presented it to me while repeatedly moving his thumb apart and together from his other fingers to make it look like a moving mouth. He’s right, it does look more like a turtle duck than my two-handed catastrophe. I grasp his wrist, lifting his puppeting hand up to his face to examine it with a skeptical eye. Lee doesn’t resist my movement, just letting me give a defeated nod of approval after I release his wrist from my grip. </p><p>“Since when did you become the expert on turtle ducks?”</p><p>“Back at home, there’s this pond in the courtyard that used to have a family of turtle ducks swimming in it.” Did he say courtyard? That’s fancy as hell, I should’ve known he came from some kind of money. I bet he liked watching the turtle ducks, Lee strikes me as the kid that didn’t have many friends and just did stuff like that when it was time to socialise. That sounds kinda rude but all I’m saying is he probably defended them if someone tried to attack, he was very in tuned with nature if you would. “My mother used to feed the ducks with me when I was little.” He’s a mama’s boy, I should’ve known from the start because daddy’s boys don’t get along well with their uncles after, but maybe he was neglected as a kid so he built a stronger connection with his uncle. I don’t know, I’ll ask him about it sometime and maybe I’ll see a family portrait.</p><p>“Oh yeah? Were you a perfect kid or something like that?” I poke him with my elbow, saying it in a jesting way because Lee just strikes me as the type to be a good kid. I guess it had to be one of us, I wasn’t a particularly well-behaved child but I didn’t make life difficult for Maou I suppose. But that’s the best you can get in that situation, with all the shit I went through, there’s no fucking way I could’ve turned out normal. I don’t think Lee had a perfect life, but he definitely had a better upbringing. He wasn’t forced to use some power he couldn’t control, he wasn’t subject to years of sexual and physical abuse, he had at least one parent that actually cared about him, and, y’know, he probably doesn’t have to deal with some identity crisis from a broken heritage. </p><p>Lee scoffs at my proposition, which is somewhat assuring because I was starting to think he was that kind of kid. “No, my mom actually got really upset becase I threw a rock at the turtle ducks one time.” I can’t hold back a choke of laughter because what the hell. I furiously bite my inner lip, trying to not sound too entertained by his proposition. “Don’t laugh, I was like five.” He blushes as he looks away and I can’t help but smile wider because when I was five, Maou used to carry me along on some missions and we’d watch from the sidelines as his gang engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the Dai Li. Maou would carry me in a piggy back way because I was slow and it was easier for him to see and not worry about me tripping or holding up the group. It’s actually one of my fondest memories with him because that was the only time that Maou treated me like a child (ignoring the situations of why he was carrying me) rather than acting like I was just a naive adult.</p><p>“Did you, uh,” God, how do I phrase this? I know that Lee’s probably sensitive towards his scar but I’m really curious because it’s pretty prominent and I’d rather know so I can be sensitive towards that. Lee glances down as I circle my hands around the other, trying to formulate the best way to phrase this rather than just saying ‘did you always have that scar’ or something along that ilk. Damn this is awkward but I already started and I can’t think of anything else to ask to cover for myself so I just keep walking like an idiot. I finally just opt to point towards my bandaged hands, indicating some kind of scar because I’m scarred there and I’d rather not say it outright. Lee looks down at my palm, glancing back to meet my eyes before pointing towards himself.</p><p>“Are you asking me to hold your hand?” He asks confusedly, and my eyes widen quickly because while this is an easy way to get out of my situation, but it’s not what I was implying and I think Lee would say no if I agreed because he doesn’t know me that way. If I was more keen on lying to Lee, I definitely would’ve agreed and took his hand but I can’t see myself being remotely intimate with Lee so that’s a definite no. I shake my head, just biting my tongue to suck up my pride and ask to not make this situation worse. Not like that’s going to be hard, the two of us have a rough way with conversing, it’s not like it’s unnatural but it usually feels awkward.</p><p>“No, no, not that. I, uhh,” I swallow my saliva and just try to get this over with. I feel like some kid that interrupted a class with a dumb question, so I can’t imagine the confusion that Lee feels now. “Can I ask about your scar?”</p><p>Lee stiffens with the proposition, bringing his arms briskly to his side because he no longer wants to associate with his proposition of holding my hand. “No.” He quickly answers, not looking down towards me and I chew the inside of my lip, moving to fiddle my fingers together because I don’t want to talk to him anymore. Well, i do, I really do, but I don’t want to say something else that will make him feel worse about it. Maybe I should tell him about one of my scars, just to ease the tension and show that I’m not trying to be all interrogate-y with him. I guess I just want to learn more about him and I thought we were getting closer but I guess Lee still isn’t that comfortable with me. </p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” I respond quietly, refusing to look back at Lee because my dumbass really thought it was a good idea to ask him to open up about him. To not completely try to derail the conversation and switch topics (because doing that would make it worse), I choose to just open up about myself. I trust Lee, I don’t think he’s the type to just randomly tell people about other people’s issues. “Before my nanny had her bad encounter with turtle ducks, she used to take me to this little lagoon in the upper ring that had some.” I opt to just go back to the turtle duck things because Lee was happy when I mentioned them before so hopefully I can savour this conversation because it’s going to be awkward if we split ways now.</p><p>“They always knew when we were coming, so they would swim over and watch and I’d usually get smacked if I tried to touch one but the turtle ducks were practically begging for it.” Lee smiles and makes some kind of ‘hmm’ sound so I continue with my anecdote. “And Ba Sing Se gets pretty snowy over the winter time so I always wondered if the lagoon would be frozen over, and if it was, where did the ducks go. Where did they go when the water got all icy and frozen over, did someone come pick them up, or did they just walk away?” It was a random philisophical tangent, but Lee doesn’t seem to be bothered by it and he just shrugs with loose shoulders.</p><p>“It didn’t snow where I grew up, so I wouldn’t know.”</p><p>“You would say something like that, wouldn’t you,” I laugh lightly, glad that Lee underplayed that situation so we could just continue with other meaningless banter. But now I can’t stop thinking about those turtle ducks. When they were faced with trials, where do they go? Where do I go when I’m struggling, when the lake is freezing over do I linger or do I wait for someone to rescue me? I don’t know, I can’t fathom an answer as it troubles the back of my mind. Goddamnit, I was just trying to give a funny story about my childhood but now I just see myself as having an existential crisis. And I wouldn’t want to have it with anyone else but Lee. </p><p>———————</p><p>Jet unlocked the door to the upper balcony seating, which were empty because they were saved for only the most elites of Ba Sing Se, and none of them particularly want to watch Love Amongst the Dragons on a Thursday night. He escorts Jin to the front seats, the ones that actually came with padding because the nobility paid to install that. She eagerly scoots towards the middle, waiting for Jet to sit beside her so she can rest her head on his shoulder. Jin has an idea of how she wants this nice to go down, or rather who she wants to go down, and she’s assuming that Jet’s on the same wavelength because why else would he break into the elite seating area with honestly a bad view but the only place with cushioned seats. </p><p>The play commences as one usually would, Jet progressively getting closer to Jin as the scenes advance. It started with a hand on her knee, then a hand on her thigh, then a hand on her waist that turns Jin to face him. She just looks up at him starry eyed, her lips pursed as though it was unintentional, which was one of Jin’s classic moves to appear innocent. They both know what they really came on this date to do, so there’s nouse in trying to make it particularly meaningful. “You’re really cute,” Jet breathes calmly, and Jin takes that as her cue to fire up her usual routine. It’s not that Jin doesn’t care to come up with something new for each guy, but after years of trial and error, she’s developed a formula to get what she wants and how she wants. </p><p>“So are you,” she giggles, walking her fingers up Jet’s side towards his face, booping his nose, and then laughing a little more flirtatiously to keep his focus on her. Jin leans in to kiss him, but stops just before her lips meet his to edge him and to just feel his increased breath against her face. It used to be a guy that would leave her longing for closure, but now she held the cards and could control how she wanted this night to go. Jet leans in closer to meet her, but Jin keeps leaning back, leaving the smallest gap between them as she continues to tease. The pair already spent the twenty minute walk getting to know each other better, so they feel no guilt about skipping the formalities and cutting to the chase.</p><p>Jet’s arm, which formally rested on her shoulder, suddenly grasps the back of Jin’s head and bring her lips directly to his in the most satisfying way. It wasn’t rough or demanding, but felt somewhat rewarding because the two of them really did connect almost instantly. The kiss, though intended to be tender at first, suddenly turned harsher as Jet tenderly bites her bottom lip, slowly dragging himself away to prolong the tension. Jin’s blushing, a deeper red than the red she got when she was told to never show her face again in that upper class tea shop. Before Jin can linger on any outside thoughts, she quickly moves to kiss Jet again, slowly moving each kiss across his jaw and finally to the tender spot on his neck. “Do you, seduce, every guy, like this?” Jet asks through soft pants of air.</p><p>Jin huffs out of her nose in a laugh, releasing herself from his neck to meet his gaze with wicked eyes. “Only the cute ones,” What a flirt, which isn't uncharacteristic of her at all. But that isn't to say that Jet isn't equally as calculating. Behind his seemingly smooth movements is a deep thought process, trying to observe Jin and understand how to get what he wants. Which, ultimately sounds pretty manipulative and psychotic but actually is pretty beneficial in this type of situation. Too many guys opt for just working to satisfy themselves which isn’t inherently bad but it kinda sucks for the receiver that has to feel like they’re not getting their fill. Though Jet is still a bit of a mystery, at least it's evident that he knows what he's doing. Still not sure if that's reassuring or not. Jets hand moves from its resting place on her hip, moving to run across the waistband of her skirt. </p><p>With gently rubbing, he maneuvers his hand below the fabric and sends an initiatory shudder down Jin’s spine. His hand traces lower towards her heat, his wrist soon submerged beneath her skirt as he curves his fingers upwards. Jin’s leg slightly twitches with the contact, but she grinds into his hand as Jet pushes his fingers farther in. To keep Jin’s upper body intact, Jet moves to find Jin’s sweet spot in the curve of her neck. Euphoria blooms through Jin, mostly because of appreciation because out of all the guys she’s been with, Jet was the most attentive. He spent time pleasuring her, assessing her reactions to make sure that she was actually enjoying herself. Jin wants to lean back onto Jet, but she won’t be able to breathe if she tries to kiss him again. </p><p>Jin tosses her head back with a moan of pleasure, her chest heaving as Jet continues on her. God, if only it could always be this way. He gingerly, yet quickly presses farther into Jin to elicit another moan as Jin draws closer. Damn, he really was going to work and didn't even need instruction. To add onto the tension of it all, he begins to change rhythm, twisting his fingers about rather than just stretching. “I need you to do something for me,” Jet proposes to Jin, removing himself from her neck to try to be as clear to her as possible. Jin’s not thinking straight at the moment, she’ll agree to almost anything to keep Jet continuing with his movement. </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>Jin pants in a high tone, looking upwards as she grasps the back of Jet’s neck tighter. He smirks mischievously, quickening his pace to get Jin to retain some sort of focus on him. “I need you to keep an eye on your new friends,” he manipulates, slightly slowing his pace to make sure that he times this right for Jin. She tries to nod, her eyes closing as she gets closer towards her peak. Jin doesn’t really care what she’s agreeing to, she’s just trying to ride out this pleasure because damn Jet’s good with his hand and she doesn’t want this feeling to go away. It’s only been a few minutes, but Jin was already preparing herself for this tonight so it's coming quicker than normal. “Can you do that?” He asks, suddenly quickening his pace back to the original to hitch Jin’s breath.</p><p>“Y-yes,”</p><p>She whispers, trying to not speak as to not make too much noise. “I can’t hear you,” Jet hotly breathes beside her neck, tempting Jin to be louder. Jin’s trained herself to not be loud because she never knows what circumstances she may be in while in this situation, but Jet completely broke all of her rules. She barely knows him and now he’s fingers deep inside of her, edging her until she promises to spy on her Lee and Mushi. The messed up logic of this doesn’t even cross Jin’s mind, she can’t focus anymore as Jet begins sucking on her neck, leaving a trail of bruises that means she’ll have to wear her hair down tomorrow to cover it. Or not, I mean, anyone that Jin associates with already knows what she does in her free time so it’s really no suprise. “Louder,” Jet coaxes, and Jin can’t control herself anymore.</p><p>“Yes! Yes!” She cries out in pleasure, reaching her climax and nearly folding in Jet’s arms. He slows his pace, gently removing his hand as Jin’s wails alert the play watchers below them. No one could see directly into the box, and it wasn’t loud enough to be completely noticeable. But it’s just the way Jet wanted it. Getting Jin to feel as though she needs him, like she can't find anyone else like him. He presents his two fingers to Jin, soaked in her slick, prompting her to lick it off. Would he go so far to say that Jin loves him? Definitely not, Jin may get attached easily but she’s not going to love him until they spend more time together. But she’s his best bet at getting closer to the undercover fire benders. So he can work on building that trust to get closer into the group. He's willing to do anything to expose Lee and Mushi, even if it means going undercover as an amiable friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also- just thought of this- subscribe to me to be updated for when I add another chapter because I really don't know how consistent I'll be, but I want you guys to be here for it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. "The University of Ba Sing Se is looking for some teaching assistants"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW SEXUAL HARASSMENT// Please look out for yourselves and if this makes you sensitive please skip this chapter! And, just a note, it will be referenced later too so please look at this story moving forward with that in mind</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The walk home feels awkward, more awkward than I ever thought could be possible. It doesn’t matter that there wasn’t a lot of people in the theatre, or that Lee doesn’t say much anyways, but that feeling of realisation still struck harder than a punch to the gut. I feel like a damn idiot not seeing it coming because this always happens, like without a doubt this always happens on one of the first few dates. I always thought Jin would have some class while going on a formal date, but clearly she and Jet didn’t feel the same way. I wouldn’t blame Lee if he just walked away and decided to stop associating with us, it’s completely understandable.</p><p>———————</p><p>We finally reached the theatre, after a short sojourn at the wrong playhouse and having to walk about thirty minutes to the next one. Lee didn’t seem to mind, he just appeared glad to be rid of his uncle breathing down his neck every waking minute of the day. I am quite fond of Mushi, so maybe it would be nice to have someone like him constantly watching out for you and making sure that you’re okay and eating well and safe. But then again, everyone is ungrateful for the things they have until they lose it. Damn, that sounded a lot more ominous than I intended to. I swear I’m not planning on kidnapping or assassinating Mushi. Not yet at least…I’m kidding, I just have a strange sense of humour.</p><p>By the time we stepped inside, the ostiary demanded to see our tickets. His hand jutted out before me, his fingers aggressively snapping back to his palm back and forth and back and forth again. I look up at Lee, wondering if he randomly got tickets so this could be easier. But he just looks off to the side, slightly rocking on his feet as the doorman remains intent on only staring at me. Rude. I would say that it’s because he’s sexist and would blame me for any complications but it’s probably because I appear to be the more dominant of our pair. I stick my hands in my pockets, trying to hide my palm coverings in case he’s thinking I’m trying to smuggle something in because any entrance guard is weird like that. It’s not like they’re getting paid extra or anything. “I’m sorry, we don’t have tickets, but-“</p><p>“Then you can’t come in, you had to have bought them before the show.” He gruffly responds, folding his arms and looking to the side in a haughty look. I roll my eyes, debating if I should’ve just said ‘fuck it’ and broken in but I really didn’t want to show that side of me to Lee because he’d start assuming and damn its too awkward to explain how you know how to scale a two-story building and how to pick a lock in the dark. The ostiary looks down on me, his pointed moustache just begging to be yanked out of his pasty and disgusting face. But that wouldn’t exactly play in my favour, perhaps if Maou was with me he’d let us in but it’s a little too late to try to pull the ‘I’m the daughter of the leader of a crime syndicate’ card.</p><p>“Sir, I just need to look in and see if my friend is in here, I-“</p><p>“Nope.” He curtly responds, prompting me to take a step closer towards his measly figure. If it came down to it, I could certainly take him down in a fight. </p><p>“It will only take a minute or so, I just need to check-“</p><p>“What does she look like?” The king of interrupting refuses to let me even finish a sentence, it’s probably because he has a superior nearby and is trying to impress him. No normal worker would allow this bullshit to go on, it’s not affecting their paycheck at all so why try to be all stingy? “I see everyone who enters this theatre, I have perfect memory, I would remember your friend.” He emphasises every ‘I’ as if he’s trying to assure everyone within a ten-foot-radius that he has some sort of authority. He just emulates that one child in primary school that is barely older than you by a week and insists on reminding you at every second. Sounds like he didn’t get enough attention as a child and is now trying to assure himself that he’s worthy, which is sad to be perfectly honest, but isn’t really my problem so I can’t be bothered to sympathise with a guy that won’t let me step even five feet behind him.</p><p>“She has her hair in two braids, wearing a dark green tunic, and she was with a guy with brown hair and red vest kinda thing.” That’s the best description I could muster without trying to be friendly or sociable. The ticket guy already looks out of patience, and I really don’t want to try to test it and just get thrown out instead. He refuses to even humour me with a glance back towards the audience to pretend he checked. This is getting frustrating, and I’m already getting more nervous. Part of me feels as though he’d purposely lie just to get me away, but I think he’s enjoying this too much. “Just humour me and turn around. Won’t even take ten seconds.” I respond annoyedly, and the man dramatically turns around while counting to ten. </p><p>I lean forward quickly, trying to scan the room to see Jin. Nowhere. She’s not in the seats, the shadows, or anywhere in view. Damnit. She must’ve just said the theatre to make sure I didn’t follow her. “Ten!” The man exclaims sharply, pivoting back right as I snap back to my standing position. “There is no one here that matches your description. Perhaps you were mistaken on the theatre.” The man’s grin widens as he leans forward to grab the door handle. I step forward again, as if my hand could stop the door from closing and magically make Jin appear back in the room. Lee just waits behind me still, unwavering in his position and I guess indifferent to the situation. “Now if you and your friend don’t leave immediately, I will have to call security on-“</p><p>“Y-yeah!” A yelp quietly echoes from the interior of the theatre, and my heart sinks. Well, I guess I should be relieved but it still bothers me that that’s how I recognise Jin. I take a step back, somewhat satisfied knowing that Jin and Jet are enjoying themselves up in the box seating of the theatre. What leaves me unsatisfied is that Lee most certainly heard that and any normal person would be disgusted by hearing a mutual friend being intimate. But there’s not really anything I can do about that now, he’s heard what he’s heard. The ticket taker flipped around quickly, scanning the room for the source of the sound. The moment his back turned, I tapped on Lee’s shoulder and started sprinting away from the scene. </p><p>Thankfully he caught on quickly, and we were able to be out of sight before the entrance guard turned back around to face us. I just remember running, not even looking to see that Lee was right on my tail because I just wanted to leave that area so quickly. After a minute or so, I slowed down beside him, just laughing awkwardly about the situation. Lee’s cheeks were slightly pink from the run, but he didn’t look worn out at all. I didn’t want to start a conversation after that, so we just walked back down towards the tram in silence, because there was no way in hell I’d walk through the lower levels of Ba Sing Se past dark unarmed. It was still a fun night though, as awkward as it was and all.</p><p>———————</p><p>By the time I had reached home, it was nearly midnight. Yi didn’t seem pleased with my late return, but she knew I wasn’t doing something bad. Much like my bloodied return at a similar hour days earlier, Yi was waiting in the exact same position. This time she had a roll of gauze (which I learned to be obsolete for my usual wounds) as if I got into a fight and was going to be all disfigured and beat up. Regrettably, it was not so. Yi has deep eye bags, getting darker by the day. I definitely believe I’m adding to her stress, she wouldn’t be staying up this late unless I was out this late. It’s strange, I’ve gone nearly missing for days before without Yi or Maou even noticing but the past week or so they decided to keep a closer eye on me. I should be flattered, but it makes me feel more guilty than ever.</p><p>Yi drags a pale hand to her forehead, rubbing exhaustedly as I close the door behind me. “Y/N, you’re giving me grey hairs with your late night excursions.” I shrug, kicking off my shoes and taking my inside slippers off of the shelf. Yi takes a sip of her tea, finishing the cup and carrying it back to the kitchen. Foolishly, I follow her which will ultimately prompt her to lecture me about my habits but she has no fucking right to because they never cared what I did up until I started going to Pao’s tea shop so little times that I could count them on one hand. My life is starting to get more interesting and I’m actually starting to feel something but Yi doesn’t even care about that.</p><p>“I didn’t ask you to wait for me to come back.” I lean onto the back of a chair, my eyes adjusting more to the unlit room as Yi leans against the kitchen counter, paralleling me. I wouldn’t have noticed it then, but we really are foils for one another. I really do look like Yi, we’re practically the same height and build, and though my feature are reminiscent of my mother, I still can pass as Yi’s daughter. Though our differences lie in our actions, we could’ve passed as amiable relatives in another world. “You never cared to wait for me before, so what’s with the random urge to now,” I spit out, not even phrasing it as a question because I don’t have time to soften my inquisitions for my irritation.</p><p>“I do care, why else would I have stayed up in the late hours of night to see your ungrateful ass come home?” Damn she can be annoying. I just try to control my breathing, not really up to starting an argument this late over something this dumb. I used to not be so gung ho on the idea of controlling my breathing and anger, but a few times I’ve gone a little too far and I’d rather not have to deal with another Maou lecture so soon. I just roll my eyes, groaning as I go to storm upstairs to get ready for bed. Yi goes into the kitchen to clean her empty tea cup, and probably to wash some already cleaned dishes to vent because she has no other place to.</p><p>Maou’s not home. He rarely is, this is just one of his hideouts. He probably had another family at one point in some other part of the city, but I’m not exactly comfortable with prodding. It’s only been recently that I’ve comprehended how lucky I am to be alive and just stuck with minor border control. There’s few rules I have to follow, I just get an area to take out a target. It’s a rather simple life, the more I think about it. But it’s safe to say that many of Maou’s employees are starting to grow discontent with their subjugation, and now it’s impossible to leave unless Maou is executed. But he has enough loyal followers that wouldn’t cross that line or even think to lay a hand on him.</p><p>One of Maou’s closest friends, or at least however close someone in a Triad can get, is this uptight man named Long Feng. I personally don’t care much for him, he’s one of the incompetent King’s advisers. I normally wouldn’t support Maou getting this close with a government official, and I always got a weird vibe from him anyways. Like a 'would kidnap you and do fucked up stuff' kind of vibe. Needless to say I would hate engaging in a one-on-one conversation with him, and so far I haven’t been granted the pleasure to do so. He owns some property down at Lake Laogai and gave the keys to the beach house to his nephew, so Jin and I have been down there for a few weekends. Now that it’s actually getting warm outside, we might go down their more often. </p><p>I wouldn’t say it’s too out of the question to assume that Long Feng had to do with the unruly nature of the Ba Sing Se, he always gave me the vibe that he had ulterior motives. And, of course, the fact that he’s close with a Triad and clearly hasn’t tried to sabotage them yet gives me a peculiar feeling. Though I’m not certain that he knows that it’s Maou’s thugs that are taking out his agents. Or maybe he does and just doesn’t care. Either way, it’s a volatile situation that I’m glad I’m not more present in. Yi doesn’t seem to mind, but that may also have to do with the fact that Maou prohibits her from talking with any of his associates or other noblemen in Ba Sing Se without his permission. It’s part of the cover, and it’s not uncommon for women to be treated as objects by their husbands, so I try not to argue when I’m reprimanded for waving towards one of my upper class friends.</p><p>Now, the only reason I’m going off on this tangent about Long Feng is because he was one of the few faces at the table when I came downstairs for breakfast. Ugh, I wish I had foresight so I could’ve known he was going to be here so I could’ve just stayed upstairs. Long Feng doesn’t seem to notice me as I awkwardly walk over to Yi, hopefully she’ll give me some task so I don’t have to engage in strained conversation. But she just shrugs me off of her arm, aggressively nodding her head towards the table to tell me to get my ass over there to not be rude. I reluctantly take the farthest seat from him, hoping he’ll leave quickly so I can go down to the tea shop. I didn’t have plans at the tea shop, but I could just lie and say that I do so that I can just see Lee and get a break from this hell. Oh, and see Mushi too. I want to see Lee and Mushi. Mostly Lee. Especially Lee. Only Lee. </p><p>“Y/N, was it? Your father’s told me much about you.” I hate this, his voice just sends shivers down my spine and its worse because it’s the same man that leads the Dai Li. “It’s come to my attention that you don’t have much to do these days, have you ever considered getting a job?” He’s worse than Yi, she’s been pestering me about some job interviews she set up for me in the upper ring but I couldn’t be bothered to partake in such obvious ploys to get me out of the house. Besides, what sane person would spend their days cleaning another person’s mess or try to put up with stingy women whose life’s goal to make employees lives hell? I shrug, using a blade to peel the thick skin of a satsuma. </p><p>“Hasn’t been a priority of mine to be honest,”</p><p>Long Feng sneers lightly, a sour look on his face because there’s no way he can look genuine. “Well, the University of Ba Sing Se is looking for some teaching assistants, and since you’re such a meticulous person, I thought you’d be up for the job.” Meticulous? Did Maou really say that? The only thing meticulous about me is the attention to detail I have as to not get caught for my various crimes against the country. He really was trying to make me sound good, wasn’t he? Maybe he was coerced into this, it’s just a random situation in itself. If you had told me two years ago, nah, last night that today I would come downstairs to find the Earth King’s advisor giving me a job application, I would’ve called you crazy.</p><p>“Uhhhhh sure I guess. When’s the interview?”</p><p>Whether or not I’d actually go depends on my mood that day. I’ll plan to just because of how weird a suggestion it is, there’s probably some reason for this eccentric proposal. “It’s at the dean's office of the university at seven thirty.” I almost spit out my slice of satsuma, that’s a lot earlier than I anticipated. Seven thirty a.m? It’s around 7:00 now, and I still haven’t gone to see the tea shop yet. Will that stop me from going to Pao's? Hell no. But will I miss the appointment? Also no. “My mistake, the appointment is next week at seven thirty. Seven thirty in the night, that is, so there’s no need to be worried.” So they’re expecting me to actually go? Is this some kind of conspiracy to get me out of the house? Hell, why don’t I just get a job at Pao’s to make my life easier. </p><p>“Well she never does anything throughout the day, so she’ll definitely be available.” Yi rests an icy hand on my shoulder, smiling with what can only be described as malicious intent. Malicious intent…that sounds like justification enough for Long Feng to offer me a job. He’s probably going to try to use me to spy on Maou or something like that, because Long Feng is that kind of person. It all makes sense now. But, I can’t just deny the interview right away because that would make him more suspicious of me, so I’ll just make it through the interview and come up with some lame excuse as to why the job won’t work out for me. “Now go upstairs and get ready,” </p><p>Damn why was she in such a rush to get me out of the room. And where does she think I’m going? Of course I still try to look nice before I go out but it’s never some ‘give me an hour to get ready’ kind of situation. Whatever. I sit at my vanity, staring at myself in mirror for a little while until I hear the door opening and closing, indicating that Long Feng had finally left. God he’s creepy. Not like the kind of creepy where you see them doing sketchy stuff like brainwashing people, but the kind of creepy where it’s just an aura that covers the room whenever they enter. Ugh, it makes me shiver because I feel like he’s going to kidnap me someday…but that still won’t stop me from staying at his beach house when I go to Lake Laogai. I’ve never seen him there so it doesn’t have that vibe.</p><p>——————</p><p>It’s been a few weeks of this schedule, going to Pao’s tea shop sometime throughout the day and having Lee conveniently have his break then so we can hang out. If it were Mushi running the tea shop, then we could actually leave and do something more entertaining than sitting across each other at a table and complaining- talking about our lives. I know he’s still hiding stuff from me, not like past trauma that you only share to your closest associates, but like something about his character or where he really came from. But, then again I’m not being exactly honest with him either. I know relationships are supposed to be built upon trust, but that’s not really an option in this situation because I can’t be sure of anyone’s intentions.</p><p>So I try to take this opportunity to subtly dig at what he’s hiding. Maybe he’s doing the same, though Lee doesn’t strike me as the type to be quite that calculating. I stare out the window with Lee, looking at some beggar desperately singing and dancing for some money so that they could eat. It was pathetic, really, the fact that Ba Sing Se, amidst its famed equality, couldn’t find a way to eliminate poverty. The poor bloke stumbles over himself while trying to do a turn, falling face first onto the dusty ground. I stifle a laugh, knowing how embarrassed he must be to even be in that position so I try not to make it worse. “How much would it cost me to get you to go out there and join him.” I look up towards Lee after raising my teacup to my lips. </p><p>He gives me an indignant look, as if the fact I used his name in the same sentence as that peasant upset him. “I’ve begged on the streets before, I don’t really want to do that again.” He bitterly looks away, probably because it was such a low point for him and he seems sensitive to public humiliation. I don’t take my eyes off of him, just staring as he awkwardly looks back up. Did Lee really think I wouldn’t have any questions about what he just said? “Why are you looking at me like that?” He asks tentatively, waiting for my reaction. To be honest, I’m more confused than ever because it does make sense with his refugee story, but he used to be so secretive about these things and now he just openly admits it to me. I’m flattered, seeing as he hasn’t tried to retract that statement.</p><p>“Show me your dance moves then,” I slyly look at him, knowing that Lee’s going to snap but it’s just so funny seeing him take everything so seriously. Life’s too short for that. Damn, I’m starting to sound like Jin with these carefree ideas.</p><p>“I didn’t dance, that was more of my uncle. He sang too, but I’m not really into that.” He seems nonchalant, so I lean back in my seat to prompt him to continue. I cast him a look that says ‘then what did you do’. “But I never did either of those. I mostly just sat there with this dumb rice hat that itched my head. Uncle’s better with people anyways.” To be fair, Lee and I get along really well with really no struggles so I was going to jut in and say that he was good at getting along with people, but then I remembered his interaction with Jet and think I’m just the exception. I can visualise Mushi singing some song he made up on the spot passionately while doing a little step dance, it’s not too far from realistic. “What about you?” I almost laugh at that question, choosing to just cover my mouth with a fake cough that was clearly fake because my eyes said ‘laughing’. </p><p>“Hell no,” I manage to get out amidst my laugh-coughing. Lee appears slightly annoyed by my reaction, but I need to explain myself so he doesn’t think I’m some heartless bitch. “My adoptive father, Maou, is kinda a big deal, he wouldn’t be caught dead with his one child begging on the street. And Yi wouldn’t stop talking about how I disdained the family. They’re really serious about that kind of thing.” Lee nods pensively, not at all fazed about me mentioning my adoptive parents rather than my real parents. “They’re so obsessed with our public image and making money, it’s probably why-“ Oh shit. Shit fuck damn bitch. The job interview. “I gotta go,” I scramble out of my seat, rushing out the door in a sprint towards the middle ring. If I’m fast, I can make the tram.</p><p>It’s not too long before another pair of feet pound after mine, gaining quickly. I guess that means Mushi will have to stand my chair back up again. “Hey! Where are you going?” Lee jogs after me, quickly catching up as we draw closer to the rim of the lower ring. I don’t know how fast I’m going, and my outfit isn’t well suited for this activity but I completely forgot about the interview so these are the clothes I’m going to have to work with. I don’t really notice how speedily Lee matched my pace, or really wonder if he had time to think before running out of the shop with me. I knocked over my chair as I got up, so I wonder if he fixed it or if he knocked his over when he ran out after me.</p><p>“I forgot about this job interview my mother organised. God, I’m such an idiot, I have to be at the University of Ba Sing Se in thirty minutes!” I huff, quickening my pace as I reach the checkpoint for the tram. Thankfully, the tram was there and people were boarding. So maybe the universe doesn’t hate me! I sprint to reach the last one, but then the doors swing shut and the tram (albeit slowly) chugs its way up the monorail towards the upper ring. Damnit I spoke too soon. I just stand there, my hands on my knees as I try to catch my breath. My life is over, I’m so dead. The trams come by every thirty minutes, and I don’t have time to wait for the next one. I tuck my loose hairs behind my ears, lightly dabbing the sweat that condensed on my forehead. </p><p>Lee catches up to me, and I’m almost relieved because then I can cry to him about how I’m going to be murdered for my incompetence. Not like I would do that though, I may be pretty stressed out but I will never, and I mean never, cry in front of Lee. Crying is embarrassing, it really shoudln’t be and I don’t mind when people cry in front of me except I don’t share the same sentiment when the roles are reversed. I guess I don’t like people seeing me vulnerable, I don’t want to open up about my real feelings because no one cares and it just makes me look dumb the next day when I’m feeling better. “The university is four kilometres away from here, you’re not going to make it in thirty minutes,” Lee prods, reaching to take my bag off of my shoulder.</p><p>“No,” I say, yanking my bag back from him and starting to run again despite the fact that I feel like I’m going to cry for some reason. The guards at the borders between the rings know me well enough that they won’t stop to question me as I ascend a level. “Just go back to the tea shop,” I call back, but I can’t get a few more strides in before I feel Lee at my heels again, reaching for my bag because he’s insistent on trying to ease my physical burden. Which is very kind of him and I appreciate that except I don’t really care for Lee to keep putting himself in my life and my problems like this. Off topic, but the sky is a lovely colour now, the pre-sunset colour where it starts to darken with orange without displaying the many hues of purples and pinks.</p><p>“You’re running too slow to be on time,” He says coldly, adjusting the strap to fit his shoulder better without it swinging to hit his back. I open my mouth to shout in protest because there’s really no reason why Lee is coming with me or why he’s going to be missing his work shift just to get me to an interview that I don’t intend on passing. Being a secretary sounds horrible and the only reason I’m going is so Yi can’t say that I’m lazy. I wish I could just tell Lee that I’m basically going to just go through the movements of the interview without really intending on getting the job but that’d take time that I don’t have to explain. “Just keep up with my pace, you can do that right?” Lee encourages, motioning that we should start sprinting.</p><p>I roll my eyes, starting to get annoyed with Lee’s persistence. “Yeah, I can.” I pull ahead of him, getting a few strides of a head start as we pass through the checkpoint security. Though Lee quickly overtakes me, we share in heavy breathing as we race through the suburban middle ring. I swear the same old ladies that gave Lee and I weird looks before were out again, giving equally sour looks as our pair sprints along the dusty path. I would say time flies and that we were being efficient, but as we passed two-thirds of the way through the middle ring, my laborious breathing was evident. Usually I can run faster and for longer, but I’m not wearing a long tunic or running in the beating sun when I complete that feat and of course today of all days I decided to wear a corset so it’s even more pressure against my chest. </p><p>The exhausting feeling of feet smacking against the ground echoes through my body, motivating me to push myself further to not look weak for Lee. The thought of my appearance when I arrive at the university doesn’t cross my mind, I don’t care that I’ll be sweaty then or that my hair will be a mess or that I’ll smell bad, it’ll only add to my illegibility for the position. I watch Lee’s back as we run, his slender arms striking the wind with each stride as if he was slashing his way through he air. This only makes me more curious about his past, because this run isn’t exactly something even the average person could accomplish and he’s very light on his feet. I feel guilty for letting him tag along, but I can’t exactly stop him now because he’s in front of me. Maybe I could just fake a fall to get him to stop but that’d just encourage him to stick closer to me. </p><p>After too long of a run, I reach the stairs to the University and I just pant, my back heaving with exhaustion. Of course Lee looks exhausted as well, hell, his pale cheeks are rosier than mine, but he’s trying to hold it back because we both share some desire to look tough for the other. I walk towards him, pulling my bag off of his shoulder and reaching in to pull out some silver pieces to palm in my sweaty hand. “Here,” I extend my hand to Lee, but he slowly pulls his away. Stubborn bastard. I grasp his wrist, forcing his hand towards me while I hold his hand to relay the coins inside. I hold my hand with his for a moment, not caring that both of our hands are sweaty and the coins might as well slip out. “Before you run back, go get something to eat or drink around here. Or use this to pay for the tram, I don’t want you collapsing from exhaustion.”</p><p>Lee looks sour at my proposal, and I turn around to go back up the steps to make it in time for my interview. The stairs to the university aren’t particularly steep but there’s many of them and they’re separated into two gradual inclines. Lee waits on the first steps, and I race across the divider that’s just a flat piece of stone before running up the second incline. I have about five minutes, I can still go to the powder room to freshen up a little. “Y/N,” Lee calls, and I reluctantly turn around, trying to replace the flutter in my chest when he said my name to a more platonic reaction because that’s the normal reaction when someone calls your name. I look expectantly, staring down at him from my height of four steep steps because apparently Lee was still walking at the same time that I was moving up. “Good luck on your job interview.” Aww, that was actually sweet, I can’t stop myself from internally giving a sappy smile. I mean, it’s an expected thing to say, but it was still polite of him. </p><p>“Aha, you don’t need to worry, I’ll do fine.” I lie, knowing damn well that this whole thing is gonna be a train wreck. I awkwardly wave back at Lee, as if to shoo him off so that he can make it back to the tea shop before it gets too dark. It’s not that the city isn’t well lit at night, or that Lee would be attacked, but I get worried about him nonetheless. What if something did happen to him? It’d be my fault for taking him to the upper ring. Aish, I don’t have time to worry about that now, I just need to focus on this interview. Since Lee came all this way with me, I feel like it’s my responsibility to do well or at least to half-ass it, because it would be too embarrassing to be like ‘hey sorry for making you miss your work shift by taking you up two rings in without telling your uncle or your boss which potentially puts you in danger and also I fucked up the interview ¯\_(ツ)_/¯’. </p><p>The hallways of the university are filled with muffled talking, I’m assuming that classes end at eight and it’s almost seven thirty. I had managed to slip into a bathroom before to pat off my face and wash it, and thankfully some aromatics were nearby so I hid one in my bag. It sounds like overkill, but I’d rather smell like an over-zealous preteen that just discovered perfume rather than a hog monkey that’s been running all day. I smooth down my hair one last time before sliding open the doors to the dean’s room. Immediately I notice a small painting of the dean with someone that scarily resembles Long Feng, I assume they were friends in their younger years. So that’s why he was so eager for me to apply for this job. “Good evening, you must be Y/N.”</p><p>His voice makes me sick, it sounds as if some cold person tried to sound welcoming. His facade is slipping, and I don’t exactly want to stick around for long enough to see it fall. “Yeah,” I awkwardly reply, taking a seat across from his desk and crossing my legs at the knees and the ankles, as tight as I can for literally no reason. The dean looks more than comfortable, reclining in his seat and giving some sly smirk that gives me a creepier vibe than Long Feng does. I try to think of a question ask to ease this silence, but I’m the one being interviewed so there’s really no reason for me to. I could ask a dumb question or compliment him to ease my mind but I know this guy would take it the wrong way.</p><p>“How is Maou doing?” That’s a weird way to start, yet it confirms my suspicion that Long Feng put me up to this to spy on my family more. And it’s strange that he doesn’t say ‘your father’, perhaps he knows how fake we are. “I apologise, I should introduce myself properly before going into basic formalities. My name is Yang, and I am the dean of the University of Ba Sing Se. You’re here because you’re applying for the secretarial position for…” he glances at a scroll in front of him, “anatomy. Lucky for you, I happen to teach that course so we can do both interviews now.” He’s right…lucky me. If for some crazy reason I do score this job I’m going to have to see this creep for all of my shifts. No, I can’t let that happen.</p><p>“Yes, I’ve always been fascinated with…,” what the hell was anatomy again? “…with human bodies.” God, why did it have to be that course, there’s nothing creepier about a middle aged guy and an underaged girl co-teaching a course about the inside of a body. Maybe he’ll kill me and use my body as a demonstration for dissection. A creepy ‘likewise’ emits from the other man, and I feel my legs tighten around themselves. I know this is purely fantasy, but why can’t Lee just burst in all dramatically and save me like they do in the stage plays. Not like I like like Lee or see him in that way, but I mean, it would be nice to have some kind of theatric romance so I wouldn’t end up like Yi or Jin.</p><p>*“Could you come to this side of the desk? Since we’ll be working together for the next semester, I’d like to get to know you better.” So this is the interview? Assuming I got the job and talking about me? I don’t like the way this is going. Yang motions for the seat beside him, and I reluctantly rise from my pretzeled position. Stop. Stop. Sit down. Run. It’s not safe. My mind is repeating, but I feel as though my hands are tied. I was lured to this interview as a trap, for what exact reason I’m not sure but I am certain that it has to do with Maou and Long Feng is to blame for it. So with heavy feet, I trudge around the desk, feeling as though my feet are attaching to the ground with each step. I stiffly recline into the seat, taking care to firmly press my knees together. “You seem uptight. Do I make you uncomfortable?”</p><p>Yes, obviously. “Erm, no, I’m fine. About the interview?”</p><p>“Oh, right.” Yang licks the bottom of his lip, his eyes panning down before clearing his throat and turning back to his scroll. “I’m going to ask you a few questions regarding the job, seeing as you have no experience for me to examine.” Fair enough. “Once you take on this job, you will have to attend two hour-long classes three days a week, and an additional one-hour prep session every Sunday.” Seven hours a week, six classes, it sounds like a lot of my personal time will be infringed upon. “You should start reading the required texts for the class so that you can be of assistance to the students. Until you get the gist of the class, you should come an hour early to have a personal tutoring session with me.”</p><p>Uhhh I don’t want to spend any more time with this guy, especially alone time. Because although it’s just a hunch, I’m willing to bet that his ‘personal tutoring’ means a physical anatomical study, if you know what I mean. In my confusion with his schedule, I failed to realise how close I was to Yang now. His knees rest just against mine, it’s too close for comfort and the way he positioned himself makes it so I will hit his inner thigh if I try to get up. It’s probably best to just stay where I am for now. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought this job was a teaching assistant’s work, not an instructor. I’m younger than your students, I can’t exactly teach them.” Nicely done, his overbearing persistence gives me enough of a reason to decline this job offer.</p><p>Yang appears flustered, loosing his suave from before as he tries to find another way to persuade me to stay. I think this meeting is done now, or at least I’m done now. The shades are drawn, it’s clearly black outside and I’d rather not be in a darkening room with a guy I just outsmarted. I open my mouth again to propose that I appreciate the offer yet again but it’s not for me, however I’m rudely interrupted by Yang. What is it with these uppity middle aged men and interrupting? It’s not like they had anything important to say anyways. “We can discuss arrangements to your title, and you can work your way up to being a co-teacher, I know you’ll enjoy your time here,” Yang presses his right knee forward against mine, slightly separating them to the point where our knees are lined up together.</p><p>I only have a few alternatives to adjust my position. If I try to press my legs together to push his away, that’s going to give the wrong idea. If I widen my legs more so his knee isn’t touching mine, I’d be giving him a better opportunity to attack. If I get up and leave, I could anger Long Feng and bring some misfortune onto my family and Maou and I still aren’t on great terms so that’s not good either. And using my voice to call him out by saying I’m uncomfortable wouldn’t do shit because why the fuck would this harasser listen to his victim? I opt to scoot my chair back slightly, removing myself from that position. Yang doesn’t seem to notice, or at least he doesn’t show any reaction.</p><p>“Now, if you’d follow me, I’d like to give you a tour of the classroom so you can familiarise yourself with the work environment.” I hold my breath, tensing my muscles as Yang rises from his seat, motioning for me to stand as well. I was always told to never trust second locations, especially with people I didn’t trust, but I still don’t really have a choice if I want to stay alive. I’m not sure what I’ll be subjected to, but I have to try to play along. I reluctantly follow, taking quick steps as we transverse down a dark hallway. At any moment, I could be snatched from my spot and be taken far away, however, nothing of the sort happened. I feel numb, just getting carried by a mixture of curiosity and fear so much so that I’m completely unaware of anything happening around me because all I can focus on is getting to a more lit room.</p><p>My hands linger on the doorframe as I enter the classroom, which is littered with perfectly organised desks and diagrams of different ligaments. I slowly follow Yang towards the front desk, or what would be discernible as a desk underneath the many scrolls and books that really seem more for decoration and an aesthetic then for teaching purposes. I nervously grasp the end of my ponytail, twirling it between my fingers as I scan the classroom over and over and over again. Normally, I’d like to think I’m more calculating and methodical rather than this nervous freak that’s in the room, but I have a lot on my mind today and for some reason whenever I’m put in a situation like this I revert to seven year old me.</p><p>I’m not a stranger to unwanted advances. Sure, I never put up a fuss when Jin goes on and on in vivd detail about her recent escapades with Jet (he really does seem to be a good match for her, I hope I can see him again soon so I can decide if I agree with Jin or Lee’s opinion on him). And, of course, I make my fair share of sex jokes like any normal teenager so there’s no way anyone could know that’s how I cope with trauma. I don’t flinch when people raise their hands near me, I don’t get excessively defensive when one of Maou’s men gets creepy, I just kinda shut down. I don’t know how to describe it, but I just feel so vulnerable in that moment that I can’t bring myself to really resist. I’ll yell in protest, but I can never find myself using my full strength to fight them off of me.</p><p>I distinctly remember the first time it happened, I was eleven years old and I wasn’t familiar with ‘stranger danger’ or ‘don’t go with people you don’t know’ or even basic common sense. It was with one of Maou’s men, I can’t remember his name because everyone calls him Scar now, it’s much more memorable. I was walking around the lair past midnight, a restless night for me, just looking for something interesting to occupy me. Then Scar came along and offered to show me some special weapon that Maou was developing, proceeded to squander me into some dark closet. I thought I trusted him, despite only knowing his name and what his laugh sounded like. I couldn’t see anything, but that distinct sound of his pants unzipping as I was forced down and before I could scream he mouth fucked me. I was crying and gagging, but that sick fuck just pulled at my hair as he forced my head back and forth. </p><p>I felt sick, but I was too scared to say anything to Maou so it happened again, and again, and again. That bastard used me to satisfy his own desires, not caring if I was violated or hurt in the process either way. Every month he’d feel his grimy fingers around my clit, telling me ‘I wasn’t ready yet’ as if some switch would flip when I hit puberty. I would’ve spoken up, but he threatened to kill me and then rape Yi and Jin and to be perfectly honest I know with certainty that he’s touched Yi before so that threat doesn’t seem as dark as it did to me back then. I snuck a knife into my waistband after hearing him walk up the stairs towards my room and gave him a taste of my wrath as he forced himself on top of me. I felt such joy in the moment, despite his curses filling the air and the blood that still stains those old sheets. I would’ve done more, but that was enough to keep Scar away. </p><p>So that’s why I don’t inherently notice at first as Yang’s arms wrap around me from behind, I was too busy reminiscing on my past attacks that I left myself vulnerable to this one. By the time I snapped out of my daze, Yang’s hands were cradling my breasts and fondling with what spot he assumed were my nipples. Aside from him literally harassing me, I can’t fathom why he’d want to get this close to me when I still smell from my run here. His stubble presses against my neck, finding a spot along the curve of my neck to leech his chapped lips on. I freeze in my spot, Yang still fondling and sucking as if he can’t feel my pulse racing. “You’re perfect,” he breathes hotly, but not in a sensual hot way, but in a condensating, sticky way. I shake my shoulder slightly, trying to jerk him off of me.</p><p>“If this is all you wanted from the interview, I think I’ll be on my way back now,” I pull forward, reaching to yank Yang’s claws off of my tits. He pulls back harder, smacking me against him as he rubs faster. His scaly hand slides down the curve of my waist, feeling around my thigh in soft squeezes. It’s harder for me to attempt to escape now, for he’s holding me at two sides so I can’t exactly roll to my left or right or try to fight with my hands or legs, I’ll have to come up with something more intimate. Just as I think to reach forward and grab a book from the desk, Yang’s hand glides upwards to clutch my neck tightly and yank my head back, so I can no longer see where I was grabbing. His left hand slides from my inner thigh to cup my heat through my skirt, curving the tips of his fingers to press against my opening. “Stop-” I gasp with the contact, but what the hell was that going to do anyways.</p><p>I hate to compliment one as vile as Yang’s skill, but he’s clearly perfected the technique of blinding his adversary and making it difficult for them to oppose. Fuck, I know he’s left a mark now and I still don’t have a plan to take him out and now I can’t think straight because I’m just internally panicking. My legs squirm as Yang stretches his fingers further, his grip tightening everywhere else to render me immobile and god this hurts. “He said you were feisty,” Yang pauses from sucking against my neck, his saliva still coating the area, “but you’re just a submissive little slut,” He licks up my neck and I gasp at the contact, trying to comprehend what he said. Who said I was feisty? Long Feng? Well either way Long Feng really did set me up, I should’ve known not to follow Yang in here and now I can’t escape and it’s going to be like my trauma coming back to me and god its getting harder to breathe I can’t feel my legs.</p><p>Wait. Legs. Yang isn’t holding my legs anymore, he reaching for what’s between. This is my one opportunity, so I have to work fast before Yang switches his position. I lean against Yang, swinging my legs up briskly to kick against the top of the desk which is hard to aim for considering I can’t see but I have to try. I thankfully make contact, pushing with all my might against Yang to knock him backwards or to at least loosen his grip. Yang lets go of me for a split second, and I twist frantically to the right to break out of his chokehold. Yang’s hands slip, and I knee him in the stomach to force him to the ground. He opens his sick mouth to make a catty remark, but I rush around the side of his desk to knock it and its many contents on top of him. Heavy textbooks, iron scrolls, sharp quills and basins of ink pour against Yang, covering him in his own possessions. I grab my bag from the floor, running out of the classroom to get as far away from Yang as possible.</p><p>I try to maintain a normal composure as I go through the halls, just to not anger one of Yang’s friends that could attack me. Adjusting my hair, I manage to escape that hell and skid down the many stairs. I just want to get home as quick as possible, I don’t have anyone to talk to. Yi can’t do anything about it, Maou doesn’t care enough, Jin spends every night with Jet now, and Lee doesn’t want to hear about this. “Y/N!” A voice calls as it draws closer, clearly jogging from the other side of the front building. I’m scared to turn at first, but I recognise the voice quickly enough as Lee falls into step beside me. I don’t look at him, I can’t bring myself to as I chew my inner lip to stop from crying or yelling or venting about what just happened. It’s none of Lee’s business, he doesn’t have to be concerned with what happened to me. “You came back early, so I guess you got the job.”</p><p>Got the job? I never want to hear anything about that dreaded university ever again! “Not really,” I vaguely reply, playing with my hair again. Lee looks over confusedly, my voice must’ve broken when I spoke because I just feel so weak and defenseless against him sometimes. His eyes fall to the spot on my neck that was bruised from Yang, both from his choke and his biting. I consciously adjust my top to cover my neck, pulling my ponytail over that side, I don’t want Lee getting any of the wrong ideas. But it’s a little late for that, and if he said anything I would’ve retorted that he has a bigass mark on his face but I understand that that’s a sensitive topic for him and I’m not that horrible of a person. “Did you really wait for me?”</p><p>“I mean yeah, I didn’t want to go back to the tea shop.” Understandable, it is a long way back there. I’m sure Mushi’s worried sick, it’s past 8:00 now so Lee’s been gone for around and hour. I feel horrible, dragging Lee along for this and he doesn’t deserve to see me like this and damn why did he have to be a flirt and stay? Ugh I’m getting a headache now, whether it’s from my frustration with Lee or myself I’m not sure but it doesn’t change the fact that my head is throbbing. “Here,” Lee hands me a steaming pastry, from the scrumptious scent is definitely hotteok. Which is my favourite street food and it’s so random and thoughtful that he got that for me but why did it have to be now? Why did any of this have to happen today or at all? I don’t shake my head, I just raise a limp hand to deflect his presentation.</p><p>“No thanks, I can’t eat or I’ll be sick.”</p><p>Lee reluctantly brings the hotteok back towards him, but he doesn’t indulge in eating it either. We walk in silence towards the edge of the ring, awkwardly following each other and avoiding stares from other people that see this strange encounter. “Did something happen?” Lee finally speaks up, which I take as a relief but I still don’t want to talk about what happened, it was too recent and I still feel Yang’s dirty hands on me no matter how much I try to ignore it. I know I’m bruised, I know he marked me, and I know he probably smelled his hand after touching me because he’s a sick fuck. I didn’t ask for that, I didn’t do anything that would make him advance on me, so why did it have to be me? “Y/N,” Lee interrupts my anxious thoughts by touching the edge of my hand, probably accidentally.</p><p>I flinch, which I never do but I’m still wound up and Lee startled me and ugh I can’t tell if I want to hit him to make him go away or to cry in his arms about my trauma or to start making out with him in the plaza because I know Lee wouldn’t cross a line like Yang did and aish why is my head like this? “Nothing happened, so just drop it.” That came out firmer than I intended, so I guess my response was more in line with the first thought. Thankfully we reach the tram, and it’s essentially deserted so that’s a relief as well. I push ahead of Lee, showing the conductor my identification in the form of a card that’s coded as ‘I’m with Maou’. He lets us on, and I sit right in the corner choosing to just stare outside at the black sky. Lee awkwardly adjusts to sit beside me, fumbling with the paper wrapper of the hotteok because he’s probably going to save it for Mushi.</p><p>Since we have ten minutes until 8:15, the tram hasn’t started so we’re just sitting there staring in opposite directions. “I know you’re lying.” Lee finally eases the unspoken tension. Great, he’s not only an annoying tag along but he’s a lie detector as well. Why am I so mean to him in my head right now? I’m just irritated I guess, I don’t like how he’s asking about this because I clearly don’t want to talk about it. Lee can’t break me, and I won’t tell him anything that happened because it doesn’t have to do with him. I feel a tear brim at the bottom of my eyes, so I look up to not let them stream down my face. I don’t want to cry, I have no need to cry, why am I so sad all of a sudden? God, why is it only Lee that makes me feel this way?</p><p>Sighing heavily, I shut my eyes and tuck my loose hair behind my ears. “I just- I- I need some time to think.” I exhale, slumping forward as I regain my composure. Lee splutters out some noise of agreement, looking in the other direction and lightly tapping his toes on the floor to pass time. Silence. Deafening Silence fills the cart as we remain fixated in our positions, refusing to adjust. Normally all I can do is talk to Lee, except I don’t really want to do that right now and I just want to go home and cuddle under my blanket and cry myself to sleep. I don’t even want to go find Jin and cry to her, I just feel so alone and worthless and dirty and god why can’t this tram just start already so I can be home?</p><p>“Do you want to, uhh” Lee rubs the back of his neck, nervously trying to finish his question. I applaud his effort, but I really don’t know what he’s going to ask so his anxiety is reflecting onto me which isn’t helping my situation. I refuse to look over towards him, just rubbing and pressing my long sleeve in between my fingers to ease my mind. He hasn’t said anything more, just a prolonged ‘uhhhhhhhhhh’ as he struggles to find the next word which is downright irritating to be perfectly honest. I hate this droning, so I whip around to just stare at Lee to pressure him into finishing his statement. His head quickly angles down towards his shoulder, which could be interpreted as him moving his eyes to stare at my chest but Lee’s not that overt. </p><p>I don’t respond but I still find myself slowly tipping my head to rest on his shoulder. We’re both stiff at first, but the tram hitches off of its track to begin its course down and therefore unbalances us and makes it easier to be comfortable. It’s so nice resting in the crook on Lee’s neck, just having someone who’ll sit with me in silence and not prod about what happened. Maybe someday I’ll tell him, and then we can both sit in silence and heal and maybe later we can go murder Yang but I don’t know if Lee even cares or if he’s just trying to be courteous. Lee’s arm rests along the back of the bench, just so it’s not in the way of where I’m leaning. He tentatively adjusts his arm to graze my shoulder, softly giving contact with a few light (and I mean very light) pats that were probably because of the rusty tracks of the tram but it’s nice to pretend. </p><p>The small action of intimacy feels so curing, so tentative, so cautious that completes contrasts Yang’s rough and violent attack. Lee doesn’t realise this, but I’m so grateful for him to show some kindness and by letting me lean on his shoulder. I never really got someone to do that with besides Jin, but with her it’s more of me comforting her. My own mother didn’t comfort me or love me when I needed it most, it probably took all in her being to not abandon me in some tundra. At least she brought me somewhere safe, but that’s all I can be grateful for. But she and I aren’t too different the more I think about it. Though I had to endure three years of being sexually harassed at a younger age than she, I never got pregnant with his baby. But even if by some crazy reason I did have a child, I wouldn’t raise her in an area where everyone hates her and then abandon her in a foreign region and refuse to even leave a note with my name or where to find me.</p><p>I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt tears drop onto my lap. Fuck, I hope Lee doesn’t notice but it’s a little late for that. I hate being this vulnerable in front of people, I want to cover my face and hide in the corner but that’ll just make things worse. Lee cautiously moves his hand to rest completely on my shoulder, his slender fingers curving over my shoulder. I would look up to meet his eyes, but I know Lee’s looking away to not make me feel uncomfortable. Now my shoulders are shaking, my breath hitching as I exhale in quivering gasps and just fixate on a place on the floor. “Sorry,” I finally spit out, wiping under my eyes with a weak laugh that sounds more like ‘heh’ as I lift my head from Lee’s shoulder. “I don’t usually cry in front of people.” </p><p>“It’s fine,” Lee replies monotonously, still keeping his hand on my shoulder. He probably forgot he adjusted it that way, but I don’t mind. He’s an interesting guy, definitely hiding something and certainly cares even though he doesn’t exactly know how to go about it. He’s probably on only child or has some kind of parental issues. But don’t we all? I lean my head back onto Lee’s shoulder, this time resting with my full weight rather than trying to hold my head up to feel dainty. Lee is really sweet, he’s much more attentive than a tea maker should be because whenever another man got onto the tram, he instinctively held me closer and refused to take his eyes off of them until they sit on the far side of the car. It’s a small gesture, but it still makes my heart flutter nonetheless.</p><p>It makes me wonder if Lee figured out what happened, I mean it doesn’t take a fancy detective to realise something in that general concept occurred. I don’t want to let go as we reach the closest station to my house, it’s far too comfortable with Lee and I really don’t want to leave him either because it’s a dangerous place after sundown. We come to a halt and I reluctantly get up, striding for the exit. I take a step forward, but Lee grasps my hand from behind and follows me out. I nod at the conductor at the station, just to seem polite, and Lee follows me down the path to my house. The impulsive side of my brain begs me to lean over and kiss him, but I don’t even like Lee that way so I’m not sure why I’m thinking like that. Probably just internalised jealousy from seeing Jet make Jin feels like the happiest girl in the world.</p><p>It’s mostly the same silence we experienced earlier as we approach my house, neither of us really open to start a conversation. “Sooooo,” I lift up our conjoined hands, flopping it slightly to Lee’s chest before gently letting go. I hope it didn’t come off as rude, I just don’t want it to be Lee to let go of my hand because that’s embarrassing. “I don’t think we need to do this anymore,” Lee looks a little startled with my release, opening his mouth to defend his action, but I try to explain my side so he doesn’t feel awkward. “Thanks. For, y’know, staying with me after the interview. And…for the thing on the tram.” I look away quickly, crossing my arms as I hide my blush. It was pretty cute when he did that, but Jin would’ve done the same thing.</p><p>“Oh, I just-“ Lee formulates an answer, backtracking as he fumbles with the hotteok that’s surprisingly stayed warm and fresh in his hands for this long. I mean, I know I could keep it warm for that long but I guess it just surprised me that Lee can too. That’s a little strange, but I don’t really have time to think because Lee finally finishes his explanation. “Just forget about it. Uhh, goodnight,” Lee briskly walks in the other direction towards the lower ring, and I wait until he disappears from my vision. That’s strange, he must’ve taken my action unwelcoming or something, perhaps that’s why he got all steamy. “Why am I so stupid??” I hear a voice that I can only assume to be Lee’s call out in the background, which brings a small smile to my face because he’s clearly just as much of an over thinker as I am.</p><p>I press my hand to my door, refusing to push it open as I just wait in the dark. I don’t want to go in, but it’s no longer safe to be all unarmed out here. I swoon lightly, looking back at my hand that Lee held so intently earlier. It smells like burnt paper. Not paper that has something too hot in it, like the hotteok would be, but paper that gets slightly charred when you can’t control your fire bending yet. Interesting…</p><p>Lee keeps his head down as he walks into his apartment, not wanting his uncle to say something about ditching his shift. Mushi sits at the foot of his bed, folding their work uniforms into neat squares and stacking them in a petite column. “You are home later than I thought, you cannot skip your shift like that or you’ll be fired.” Mushi reprimands, not looking up at Lee but making sure he heard. Lee gave a grunt in response, flopping onto his bed and rolling so his back faces Mushi. “Were you with Y/N?” Lee tenses, not replying but Mushi gives that knowing smile because he’s as close to a psychic as one can get. “She’s very pretty, isn-“</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it.” Lee interrupts, clutching the edge of his bedsheets because he doesn’t want to lash out about his own insecurities. Mushi gives a knowing smile, excited how his nephew is settling into the city. Lee rolls in his bed, wishing he could be anywhere but in a room with the biggest tease in the world. Unbeknownst to the undercover duo, a suspicious figure watches through the open window, studying the duo and waiting for a slip up.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. "We can go up to the rooftop"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I may or may not have been high when I wrote this so I'll probably edit it tomorrow bc it's like 11 here now.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One way or another, everyone seems to find themselves at a crossroads. I’d say Ba Sing Se is a pretty good representation of such, there’s so much going on and so much hidden behind closed doors that you never know where your destiny will lead. There’s so many opportunities that go missed, and an equal amount that are taken advantage of. With such a large and isolated city, there’s really no telling what’s going to happen to you or if you’ll even have some significance in the world. I think about this a lot, knowing damn well I’ll probably never escape the city so I’d have to leave my mark here, but even then there’s really no celebrities or famous people or myths in Ba Sing Se. I don’t know about other regions, but there’s nothing special or any specific hero from Ba Sing Se to look up to, so I suppose we’ll have to make our own significance to those that know us.</p><p>As much as I despise Ba Sing Se, it has a funny little way of bringing people together, whether it be with good intent or not. I’ve dealt wih so much shit in my relatively short life, so I always wonder what the chances are for me to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And, with those thoughts in mind, I’m still scared that just maybe this is going to be some inevitable hurt, that all of these friendships I’ve formed are just going to make me vulnerable and leave me for dead. That someday, everything I’ve done and everyone I care for is going to leave me alone. I wouldn’t say that I love anyone, hell, I hate even saying that I love something because I don’t know what love is.</p><p>I used to think that love was applicable to everyone and everything, but then I thought that that wasn’t real love. I assumed real love is when you can’t exist without that person, when you’d rather die than be apart and the world goes dark and cold and nothing else matters except the person standing in front of you. But then I realised I just described an addiction, one whose withdrawal is a pain worse than death. I often wondered whether or not I was capable of love, which sounds sad and it is but I genuinly cannot picture myself loving someone. Yi used to tell me that you can’t love someone until you love yourself, and we all know that’s not going to happen anytime soon, if it’ll happen at all.</p><p>I spend most of my contemplative time wondering about what the chances are that all of my closest associates all came here at the same time. I’d be a liar if I said that my life was easy or that I particularly enjoyed my situation, however it could be a lot worse and I’m so blessed to have what friends and family I have. I hate when people compare their problems or their mental stability to others, or try to downplay theirs by assuming that others have it worse. Everything is situational, everyone interprets things differently, and what means someone comes from doesn’t justify how they can or cannot feel. Everyone around me came from such different lives, went through very different experiences, feel different ways, and yet they all seem to have some sort of a soft spot for me.</p><p>I don’t know much about Maou’s upbringing, it’s mostly been rumoured with the lowers of the Triad because Maou’s had no reason to just expose his family tree like that. From what I’ve heard, he was either orphaned at a young age or ran away from home, either way he was alone in the impoverished side of the lower ring. He acted like any runaway would, robbing the market for food because no one cared to see some starving child in the alleyway. And after getting caught for stealing he was introduced to the Triad. Maou, being the resourceful man he is, quickly moved up the ranks because he didn’t have anything holding him back, no family or past connections limiting him from defying the moral compass. Before he was thirty, he had reached the elites of the Triad, formed a conspiracy against the head, and murdered nearly all of the other elites to solidify his position at the top. Since then, no one’s made a real attempt to terminate his rule, and it’s had to have been at least thirty years of this lifestyle.</p><p>I hadn’t known much about Yi for the longest time, and to be perfectly honest I never wondered why she was in this situation. The most I can recall from the few times I’ve talked to her is that she came from a wealthy family in the upper ring. Her father was some successful military general, and her mother was the basic housewife (the only reason I know that is because Yi used to whine about how boring her mother was and that’s why she doesn’t just cook and clean around the house). I don’t know how many siblings she has, or much else really but I bet she has at least has a brother or two. I don’t really know how she met Maou, or how they got together so quickly and I still have no idea why he’s kept her around for this long because they clearly don’t get along well.</p><p>I’ve already talked about Jin’s dysfunctional family before, it seems that they tried to cut connections around the time she was twelve. One of her aunts got married to some Earth Kingdom official in a neighbouring province so her apartment was already furnished and Jin’s parents just moved her in there. I don’t know how much she resents them for basically ignoring her, I guess it was because they never wanted a daughter to begin with. Jin’s older brother joined the Earth Kingdom’s army when he was eighteen, so he’s not in Ba Sing Se much but Jin always goes to meet him when he returns. He’s never disliked her or thought of her as less than him because of her life choices, and he still writes to her when he’s dispatched which goes to show that he’s really the only person in her family that actually cared about her. </p><p>Jin has a younger brother too, so theres about a twelve year age difference between the three of them. He was only six when Jin was moved out so he probably doesn’t remember much of her. Jin never talks about him but the only reason I know is because I’ve had to do patrols near Jin’s family house so I always make an effort to snoop and just see how they’re doing. The most Jin hears from them now is a monthly cheque that gives her more than enough to live off of, but I bet they pay more to keep her quiet from coming back and being a so-called disgrace. Y’know I never fucking understood why people are like this, like if you’re not going to love your child then why the fuck did you have kids? Jin probably would’ve turned out differently if they didn’t isolate her and treat her like she’s unworthy of love, she wouldn’t have relied on the random guys she finds around the city to make her feel wanted.</p><p>And then there’s Lee. I know mere snippets of his past, the rest is me relying off of assumptions that I’d normally be more confident in except I’m genuinly perplexed by him. Never, and I mean never have I met someone like Lee, which isn’t a bad thing at all. I think I’m addicted to the idea of him which is really a bad thing but I just can’t stop myself from thinking about Lee in my free time, when my mind goes blank it always falls onto him. Nothing romantic or sexual at all, god no, I can’t even put the two together in my mind. But I can’t stop myself from just wanting, yearning to see him more so I can ask him more questions and spend more time with him and actually thank him for supporting me after the interview because a simple ’thanks’ doesn’t even begin to describe the gratitude I feel towards him. </p><p>Part of me hopes that Lee feels the same but then the pessimist and somewhat realist side of me tries to make me doubt by saying that Lee was just being a decent human being and I’m just so messed up that it seemed like a big deal to me. Which is touching and I hope he understands the signficance, except I’m probably just making a big deal out of nothing and I should really stop thinking about that part of the night but some part of my keeps forcing myself to relive those few moments of intimacy because just maybe it’ll drown out what happened with Yang. Just maybe, if I try hard enough, I can just forget about Yang and forget that he exists and forget what he did and forget about the interview all together. But I think we all know that’s damn near impossible.</p><p>I didn’t get out of bed until sundown the next day, I didn’t want to get out of my fetal position as I cradle my pillow to my chest. If I just stay here I won’t be hurt anymore. If I just stay here I won’t have to face anyone or any of my problems. It gave me lots of time to think, to yearn, to relive memories, and to create fake scenarios that change my opinion on people. I imagined that Yi would stand up to Maou and confront him about everything, and then subsequently imagining Maou kicking Yi and I out and forcing us to cut all contact with him. I had mixed feelings about that scenario, I can’t wait to leave here but I like having Maou as an ally. </p><p>I imagined Maou gaining compassion and sending his guys after Yang and Long Feng, I imagined him caring about me and providing comfort while I suffered. I imagined him giving me the facilities to go back to the Northern Water Tribe to burn the whole godforsaken hell to water, and to find records of which Fire Nation soldiers invaded so I can kill every last one of them for bringing me into this world instead of just keeping their problems to themselves. I imagined that Maou would’ve developed a normal relationship with me and not have it be awkward if we went out to lunch someday and said normal things like ‘I’m proud of you’ or ‘you don’t have to if you don’t want to’ or ‘you’ll be safe at home’ but I’ve only heard that in my dreams. </p><p>I imagined that Lee would come over with tickets to get out of Ba Sing Se so I can leave this trap, so I can see the world instead of hiding for the rest of my life. I have such a strong desire to travel, because if I keep moving around I won’t have to establish myself and develop some expectations in one place. I imagine Lee laying on my bed beside me, telling me all he’s hiding and I share what I’m hiding from him, and we can both laugh at how crazy this situation is. I have a sonder, trying to comprehend how serious his past is that he can’t share it with me. I imagine Lee coming with me to the lone tree on the hill to watch the sunset because I have no one else. I imagine teaching Lee how to break into anything, how to handle a knife, and how to fight. I wish I could teach him how to fire bend too, but that’s not really a teachable skill.</p><p>I imagine myself in the future. I don’t have many skills that are beneficial to getting a normal job, unless I want to spend the rest of my life as an assassin. I can’t fathom that Jin’s going to leave me one day, that she’ll settle down and have kids and I could maybe visit and be referred to as ‘aunt y/n’ but that’s not really my style. Don’t get me wrong, I'm fine with the idea of Jin being happy and having a family and spoiling her children, however I wouldn’t know how to act with a kid. I think about Jin’s past relationships, and how genuinely happy she is with Jet. She was always happy before, but this is different. Jet and Jin, though they do have lots of pda and intimacy, still spend time together doing normal couple things and genuinely care about each other. I still don’t know how they got like this so quickly, but hey, love’s different for everyone.</p><p>“Y/N, come down, your friends are here!” Yi calls up the stairs, leading me to reluctantly pry off my covers and get up. I may not want to, but I desperately need to get out of the house and out of my head. Yes, I do think I need time to myself, but I don’t want to change my reality and keep myself sad when I’m alone with my thoughts. I don’t bother changing, it’s just Jin and she doesn’t care what I’m wearing. I finger comb my hair even though it was already laying flat, quickly straightening my qipao-style pyjamas as I descend the staircase. I rub my eyes as I cross the flower shop, drawing nearer to the door and ignoring Yi’s snide remarks about me wearing something so skimpy. It’s funny because she parades around the house in outfits more scnadlous than mine because of Maou yet you don’t see me giving her weird looks. </p><p>“That’s what you’re going to wear? It doesn’t seem like your usual, but I love the vibe!” Jin gushes, rushing to place her hands on my shoulders and tentatively squeeze them. She’s always so supportive of me, it’s a shame I can’t bring myself to act that way around her. I tilt the corner of my mouth upward, not into a smile but just a slight curve. It’s frigid outside, the iciness from the past winter not entirely gone yet and therefore making my body, erm, react to the change in temperature, and my sheer top isn’t exactly helping the situation. Jin pats my shoulders again, her hands sliding down to lace her fingers around mine. She’s so cute, I can’t help but feel at least somewhat healed whenever I see Jin, despite how much she can annoy me. I smile for real this time, feeling her happiness radiate onto me in some sort of golden aura, and then he catches my eye.</p><p>Awkwardly behind Jin was Lee, clasping his hands behind his back as he tries to divert his eyes from my situation. My eyes bulge and I bite my inner lip, turning around quickly and letting my fingers glide from Jin’s grasp. “I didn’t expect Lee to be here,” I blurt out, wrapping my arms around my chest firmly and hunching over. God, why does he have to come at my worst times? According to his track record, Lee’s randomly shown up when I face planted in the shop, when I was a sweaty mess while being late for my interview, after the interview when I just wanted to be alone and not touched, and now he’s showing up when I’m in my silk pyjamas with some overly friendly additions. I guess I have to start seeing him more so I can make him forget about those instances. </p><p>“Ehehehe that’s why we’re here, silly!” Jin laughs, looking back towards Lee to give some unspoken nod that signifies to him that I’m just being dramatic and am actually glad that he’s here. “We have a surprise for you, everything’s prepared, just go change into something comfy and warm.” Where’s Jet? I have so many questions, so may concerns, I don’t want to face Lee after this again because it’s too embarrassing. I mutter out for more specifics and Jin just singsongedly answers, “Nothing formal or tight, just comfy stuff. And hurry up, it’s cold out here.” Jin pushes me inside, reaching behind to grasp Lee’s elbow and following to step inside the flower shop. Without prompting, Yi comes out with a tray of tea as if she was just waiting to serve us.</p><p>“I made some tea, I had a sneaking suspicion Y/N would delay you all.” Yi smiles, setting the tray onto the counter and handing round cups to Jin and Lee. I trudge up the stairs quickly, trying to think of what to wear. Nothing formal or tight…that probably means we’re not going out in public but I know that it’s going to be at least the four of us. I slide open my closet doors, feeling around for my loose pants that I usually wear around the house during the winter season but it seems appropriate. Rather than wearing an equally loose top, I pull out my tight undershirt. Hey, Jin said nothing tight but I’d like to think that the little bit of fashion sense I have taught me that you don’t wear two loose pieces together. I gaze at myself in my mirror, twirling around to admire the final look. Baggy pants with a cinched waist, my tight cami with spaghetti straps, and a bra that has enough padding to hide any future disruptions.</p><p>I scamper down the stairs, twisting my hair up and clipping it in so I look somewhat decent. Jin’s eyes practically form hearts, she looks so proud that I put effort into my outfit today and Lee just looks at the floor, not wanting to have a repeat of five minutes ago. He seems so afraid to look me in the eyes, and I’d probably feel the same if I was in his position which really adds to his charm. “Okay, looks like we’re ready to go!” Jin calls once we all stand in the same spot, and she links her arms around both of ours. “Thanks Yi, I’ll be sure to return Y/N sometime before next Tuesday!” She shouts back, laughing as Lee and I awkwardly do a hunched over run to catch up with her brisk pace.</p><p>“Jin, can you tell me where we’re actually going? I don’t want to go back and get changed again.”</p><p>“Ahh you look fine, perfect for the occasion,” Jin evades my question, carefully navigating her way down the darkening street towards the border between the lower and middle rings. It’s still cold, but I know we’re going somewhere indoors so I don’t need more layers and Jin would’ve said otherwise. It feels like time is moving quickly, I barely remember stepping out of the house and now we’re facing a looming wall with two guards that are sleeping on the job. How pathetic, it’s barely sunset and they’ve already clocked out. Unless they were knocked out or forced some sleeping potion, but those sound a little too fantasy-ish for regular old Ba Sing Se. My arm rubs against Jin’s roughly, due to her erratic and jolty movements and as we draw closer a shadowy figure approaches.</p><p>I don’t have to think twice about who it is, in less than a second Jin flings herself ahead to fall into Jet’s arms as Lee and I teeter forward with the sudden movement. As we straighten our stance, our hands brush against each other quickly and I can feel how warm his fingers are, which is strange because it should be too cold outside for that feeling. I can’t look at Lee in the eyes, and I can’t exactly look at Jin or Jet ‘greeting’ each other without seeming like a pervert, so I just stare at my feet. “Y/N, I’m glad you made it.” Jet protectively holds Jin to himself, as if Lee or I would yank her away. “Jin was saying how it was difficult to get you out of the house, I see Lee helped ease your nerves.” </p><p>My eyes widen yet again, as do Lee’s, and we both flinch away from each other. I- How? I didn’t even see Lee when I got out, what makes Jet think he’s the reason I came? “Anyways, we’re headed this way,” Jet continues, nodding towards the open gate and sweeping Jin off of her feet in a bridal carry. They really are infatuated with one another, aren’t they? It must be nice, but I doubt I’ll find someone who will do the same for me. I try to focus on the matter at hand, which is that Lee and I are now alone together and have to follow up with our last interaction. Choosing to move past the past twenty-four hours of awkwardness, Lee and I walk side by side again because weirdly walking ten feet apart doesn’t really seem practical if we’re going to the same place. </p><p>“Are- are you sure you’re doing alright?” Lee finally asks, looking straight ahead as if he were on a mission to go somewhere important. I want to be curt and sharp and demand why he’d ask me something like that, but I don’t have to. Lee saw me shut down after my interview, get all standoffish and sensitive to any contact, and I don’t have the decency to say anything to him about it after all he did to help me feel comforted in his own weird Lee way. It’s not that I owe him an explanation, I don’t owe anyone anything, but I feel an obligation as his friend to ease his mind if he feels concerned. Even if it’s in the form of a lie. God, this is such a weird predicament. I want to forget everything about that night except for what happened with Lee because that was the most genuine intimacy I’ve had with anyone really. </p><p>“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” God I’m getting defensive, Lee’s just being decent and I can’t stop myself from lashing out at him. I wonder if Lee ever gets like this with Mushi, all heated up and aggressive with really no warrant, but then I remember that of course Lee does because I’ve seen him act that way. I can’t imagine Jin acting like this, she never really gets angry or frustrated in that way. Jet definitely does, he practically fought Lee the first day I met him which is strange seeing as they now are so casual to the point they’re going on a group date together. Wait. Did I just say a group date? I didn’t mean that, I don’t see this as a romantic date but I mean Jet and Jin are a couple so I guess that leaves Lee and I to be paired up?</p><p>Lee looks annoyed with my irritated response, huffing as he folds his arms indignantly and looks away. “I was just trying to be considerate.” He grumbles, trudging forward but not making any effort to distance himself. Damn he sounds like a whiny child, but I feel a twinge of guilt intensifying now. He probably took awhile to think of what to say after this situation to not seem weird and I just crushed him. If only we were better at communicating, or if I was better at not being a bitch, then this could’ve worked out nicer. But I can’t change the past so I might as well just say something to alleviate his stress, even if it’s not really something of much value.</p><p>“That sounded rough, let me rephrase.” I can tell Lee doesn’t look too open to forgiving me but I can’t do much to change that if I stay silent and we’re getting closer to our destination so I have to make up to him quickly. “I know you’re being polite, and I guess I did leave you confused then. But I don’t really want to think about that right now so can we just talk about something else?” My voice quickens at the end, a nervous habit that I have yet to fix. I frantically search for something interesting around me to start a conversation because despite Jin and Jet’s enamoration with one another, Jin still turns around to check on us frequently and I don’t want her to force-start a conversation. “Like….” Damn, there’s nothing interesting because the roads are quickly darkening. “How about we play a game?”</p><p>“A game?” I’ll admit that I probably shocked him with that proposition, Lee doesn’t seem like the type to play many frivolous games. Maybe he doesn’t even know the same games as I do, and he’s not really the instructive type so he can’t teach me others. And I don’t really want to spend the entire walk trying to come up with some common grounds for a game between the two of us. </p><p>“Yeah, something like nine questions,” I reply, and Lee gives a stiff nod. So I guess he knows that one. Most people think that nine questions are too little, but nine is a lucky number and if something needs more than nine questions to be discovered, then you aren’t asking the right questions. “Okay, umm, I’m ready.” No the fuck you aren’t. Quick, just think of something that’s next to you on the road. Is that a lantern? It’s a lantern now. Lee pauses, trying to figure out which question to ask while I try to come up with a more descriptive image in my head about the lantern. Maybe it’s better to just have a vague idea and change it to what Lee guesses so he doesn’t get frustrated on the first round and decide to just shut off for the rest of the walk. </p><p>“Is it alive?” A common question, which is usually my go-to in this situation because it can narrow things down significantly. I mean, what other question is as dividing as that one? I can’t think of another, so it makes me happy that Lee understands my inquisitiveness in that sense. Or it was just a coincidence. I don’t know anymore, I’ll just answer his question.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Is it from nature?”</p><p>“Not directly.”</p><p>“Is it in the tea shop?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Technically I was thinking of a paper lantern that would hang out during festivals, but I guess now I’m thinking about an iron lantern that hangs in the corners of the tea shop.</p><p>“Does it have to do with tea making?”</p><p>“Nah,”</p><p>“Is it something that every shop would have?”</p><p>“Yeah,”</p><p>“Does it have to do with the seating areas?”</p><p>“No,”</p><p>Lee pauses before this question, before he was going at a quicker speed but now he’s contemplating as to how he should use his final three questions. “Is it hanging?”<br/>
That’s a fair guess, the tea shop doesn’t have much on the floor besides the seats and tables, but Lee ruled those out with the prior question. Damn, he’s actually pretty good at this game and I’m starting to get nervous about whether or not I can meet his standards when it’s my turn to guess. “Yes.” I feel that the previous tension between Lee and I is eased, we don’t have to spend time thinking about how to phrase something to the other and conversation flows much more nicely. </p><p>“Is it the sign?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Is it the lantern?”</p><p>Fuck, he’s inquisitive. He got it in exactly nine questions, I thought I’d have to extend it for him or something but apparently not. “Yeah ahaha, you got that faster than I expected.” Lee blushes and looks away, so I continue the momentum. “Okay, give me something easy this time,” I laugh, and Lee scans his narrow eyes around the dark pathway, trying to find something distinct for me to guess. He says something along the lines of ‘alright’ in a sigh, so I begin my guessing. “Is it alive?” I hate sounding like I’m copying him, but it’s not my fault that Lee conveniently decided to choose the same first question that I use.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Isssss it…something you wear?” That’s lame, but I don’t want to sound like I can’t think of questions on my own. Damn this feels like a real mind game now, I keep overthinking for literally no reason.</p><p>“Yeah,”</p><p>“Is it soft?”</p><p>“I guess.” That’s vague as hell. But I catch Lee glancing down towards my legs so I’m assuming he’s thinking about the baggy pants that everyone wears around Ba Sing Se, much like the ones he’s wearing now. Except Lee’s are more fitted than mine, particularly around the…I won’t say, that’s a weird observation. To be perfectly honest, it doesn’t have to be weird like that and Lee’s probably thinking the same thing about my top so I’ll just move on.</p><p>“Is it green?” Goddamnit Y/N, everyone’s clothes are green here.</p><p>“It is.”</p><p>“Is it my pants?” Jin glances over her shoulder right as I look down towards my pants, slightly pulling at them as if to present it to Lee. That looks strange out of context, but Jin probably can’t see that well anyways and she would tease no matter what I did so it’s probably better to just not overthink it. Lee nods with a grunt of approval, averting his eyes quickly so it doesn’t look like he’s staring. “You need to think of something harder, I beat you by four questions,” I shove my hand towards his face, indicating all of my fingers except for my thumb tucked into the crease of my palm. Lee tips his head away carefully, not in a disgusted way but more of a playful ‘don’t touch me’.</p><p>Either we were farther from the destination than I initially intended, or Lee and I were just quick at this game. I mean, there isn’t much that’s interesting in Ba Sing Se so there’s really nothing exceptionally difficult to guess. In the next few rounds, I chose a clay pot, Lee chose a door, I chose ginseng tea, Lee chose a teacup, I chose the sky, Lee chose an ostrich horse, and now it’s my turn to choose and I know the perfect thing that’ll be impossible for him to guess. Well, not impossibly but rather unexpected if I’m to be more specific. “You can guess all you want, genius, but there’s no way in hell you’ll figure it out.”</p><p>“Oh I’ll find a way,” Lee laughs before hitting me with the very same question we always use. “Is it alive?” Interestingly enough, this actually is alive, but I’m sure you’re tired of my rambling so I’ll just let you listen to the exchange.</p><p>“It took me awhile to come to that conclusion, but yes.” I normally would’ve looked at Lee when I said that, but I don’t want to give him any clues to hint and what I’m thinking about so I glance to the side and watch the unmoving houses.</p><p>“Hmm,” Lee curls his ring finger beneath his chin, his thumb pressed to the bottom of his lip as he ponders what to guess next. “Is it a human or an animal?”</p><p>“What if it was a plant?” I look up at him in a fake offended stare, but laugh it off and answer his question. “It’s a human.” Okayyyy technically the rules say it’s only a yes or no answer but who the fuck is going to police this kind of thing anyways? And I’m not going to get all stingy so who cares if Lee asked me an illegal question?</p><p>“Since you’re ignoring the rules of the game, describe the person in one word.”</p><p>“Hey hey hey, I let your misleading question slide once, you don’t get a free pass to the answer.” I wag a finger towards him, Lee trying to bat it away but ultimately settling for grabbing my hand and forcefully putting it towards my side. That seems to be a routine before us, me getting close and Lee pushing me away, but then again I do the same thing with him. It’s like a game of cat and mouse, one of us refusing to let the others close because we’re both emotionally distant.</p><p>“I was testing you to see if you cared about the rules and your answer showed that you didn’t.” He sneers, seeming less humoured but then again I’m not sure what Lee really looks like while humoured. </p><p>“Well excuse me, nine-questions-police, but just because I break one rule doesn’t mean I’m going to break every rule, so stop cheating and ask a real question.” </p><p>“Cheating? How was that cheating? You were the one that answered the question!” His voice nearly breaks by the second sentence, adopting a higher pitch with his ‘how’ and using his hands to gesticulate his thoughts.</p><p>“So if I was taking an entrance exam to a school and I show my answers to you does that mean I wasn’t cheating by helping you? You’ve got some faulty logic there.” I quickly talk to refute his claim.</p><p>“That’s not even close to being the same as playing this game!”</p><p>“Y’know I thought of a word to describe them- irate.”</p><p>“I-“ Lee had raised his finger to point accusations as me because he started taking our play debate serious but my answer made him falter. His brow un-furrowed, choosing to smack his hand against his pale forehead with realisation and leave a mark. “It’s me isn’t it.” I wrap my arms around my midriff, bending forward with erupting laughter as Lee sighs dramatically. Gosh, that was a good one, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to top that performance. I hope Lee enjoyed that as much as I did, if not that’d be awkward. My hypothesis is that even though he won’t show it and’ll act annoyed, I bet he secretly enjoyed our exchange.</p><p>“When you two stop flirting we can go up to the rooftop.” Jet sighs in an annoyed tone, clearly irritated despite his best efforts to sound amiable for Jin. I hadn’t realised how close we’d gotten to the pair, and now we’re standing just outside a small apartment complex, Jet indicating a rope ladder leading up to a rooftop balcony. I glance around the area, seeing all but one of the lights off in the houses and in that one that’s still alight, it’s evident that the owner isn’t moving much. Jet stands behind Jin as she starts to climb up the ladder, just at the height so his hand can rest against her thigh. “This is the top of my place, there’s a really clear view of the sky from up here.” </p><p>I bet Jin’s seen a lot of the sky from up here, but I won’t say anything to make it any more awkward if I can help it. So Jin scurries up the ladder, conveniently with Jet “steadying” her as if they thought Lee and I were idiots. I mean, we all know what they plan on doing tonight so they really shouldn’t waste any time trying to hide it from Lee and I. I followed Jet, not for any other reason except the fact that I sense malcontent in the form of Jet potentially trying to kick Lee down, so I put myself between them to ease any oncoming tensions. I was half expecting a barren, cold roof with like one blanket for us to all sit on because I was assuming we were going to stargaze or something along those lines, however I was vastly unprepared for the sight before me.</p><p>Four poles stick out in the corners of the roof, resting agains the two-foot lip that keeps us from falling off. Torches were expertly tied to each of the poles, and there were strings of dimmed lanterns connecting the poles together. In the middle of the small set-up (the floor plan couldn’t be more than twenty by twenty feet), was layers of blankets and pillows indicating four guests. There was a small fire besides the blankets, encased by an iron container, for what purpose I can only assume to be for making some kind of campfire treat. It, in all honestly, looks really nice and I’m impressed and confused how Jet found all of these materials because I’m sure a seventeen year old living alone in the city doesn’t own enough stuff to fill a store. He seems like he’d be a conman, he probably stole it. Not that I really mind, as long as I’m the one not getting in trouble it’s fine.</p><p>It’s really cozy looking, like really fucking comfy and it’s taking every inch of my being to restrain myself from doing a swan dive into the mound of comfort. Jin doesn’t show such restraint, rushing towards the pillows and dragging Jet with her. Lee and I look like tired parents, awkwardly finding a seat next to each other without getting too close to the duo. I care about Jin, I really do, but its so awkward to try to have a good time out when she’s having some kind of intimacy not really suited for the public right next to you. I hold my arms around my knees, rocking back and forth in a compressed position. Lee adopts a similar position, except he extends his closer leg to the ground There’s a band in the street below, playing soft music as if they were serenading us but they would’ve chose a different position if they were intending to entertain us.</p><p>It’s not particularly cold outside yet, but I don’t exactly want to wait until it gets that way. I finally suck up my insecure pride at stretch my arms up, not really ashamed of ‘showing off’ to Lee as I lean backwards to a more reclined position. It’s comfy, and I can tell Lee noticed my movement because he stiffens and purposely looks the other way. Nicely done. I nestle back into the pillows, arching my back as I find that sweet spot of comfort. “I’ll go make some tea.” Lee practically leaps to his feet, going towards the fire and filling the tea pot with water. I glance over towards Jin, and it surprises me that she and Jet aren’t straight-up fucking there. I should’ve known they weren’t, Jin’s very vocal and I didn’t hear anything that would signify that kind of intimacy. Rather, they’re cuddling together and pointing out different constellations…on second thought they’re probably going to do that in less than ten minutes. Because that’s how they greet each other now.</p><p>Damn, it’s actually kind cold out now that the fire was covered but thankfully the tea will be made soon and I can get warmed up. I know, I know, it was a little sneaky of me to make Lee feel awkward so he would go make tea but I suck at making tea and I suck even more at asking someone to so this was the best alternative for the time being. Lee just crouches by the fire, prepping some tea leaves to brew and I think maybe I should go over and talk to him but I don’t know what I’d say. But anything’s better than silence and I’d rather start talking before Jet and Jin fill the silence with something else. I army crawl across the pillows towards Lee, propping myself up on my stomach so I can just watch him. What the hell do I say? “The sky is really pretty tonight, isn’t it?” Laaaaaame.</p><p>Lee looks up, as if we haven’t noticed the clearness at all and nods in response. “Yeah.” I don’t blame him for his bland response, because there really isn’t much you can say in elaboration. Lee recovers the kettle after putting the leaves in to steep, and it just leaves me in awe every time because he’s so precise and unwavering with his movements and I can’t imagine acting that way. Sure, I have a specific and carefully planned attacking style, however that’s not close to the art of tea making, in which you can’t really make a mistake or it’ll taste bad or you’d burn yourself and damn there’s a lot that could go wrong. But I trust Lee and he’s more responsible with this kind of thing so I won’t have to worry about any of those incidents.</p><p>“Well, I’ll leave you to your…brewing.” I smile cheaply, rolling back to my first position to just stare at the stars for awhile. It’s a simple thing, but the night skies at Ba Sing Se are so beautiful and clear and the constellations are so precise, I used to wonder if it was fake. When I was younger, back when Maou was a little more sensitive to me, he used to tell me something every time he’d leave the city for some triad business. ‘Look up to the stars. You see how clear those are? No matter how far I go, we’ll still be under the same sky and the same moon. And as long as we’re under the same sky and the same moon, I’ll protect you.’ Sounds really endearing, doesn’t it? In reality Maou probably just recited some poetry he learned in school or something he says to woo young girls into marrying him, but it comforted me at the time.</p><p>I imagined how I’d feel if my real parents said that to me. I know I hate thinking about the past but these recent weeks have just made me question so much and I want to stop thinking about my mom but I keep seeing her in my dreams and it’s really stressing me out. I’m scared of my future, if I have kids, and how my trauma’s going to affect them. Had my mom just been a regular teen mom who had her kid with someone she cared about, she probably would’ve loved me. But because of the circumstances, she scorned me and threw me out. I would put the blame on my father too, however he probably doesn’t even know I exist and because he doesn’t know it makes me wonder if I have any siblings from his side of my broken family. Someday I’ll know, but it’ll probably be in the next life.</p><p>I glance over towards Lee, who’s removed the tea pot from the fire and started pouring it into two cups rather than four. But I don’t blame him, I don’t want to walk over there either. Jet and Jin unintentionally made some sort of barrier between the middle area, which is a line I’m not going to cross. Lee’s hands are steady, he doesn’t look where he’s walking and is too focused on keeping his eyes focused forward as he strides towards me. Which is a mistake. Lee bends at the knees, leaning forward to hand me my cup when the most predictable thing happens, so predictable I’m surprised I didn’t plan for it. The blankets of this pile folded up at the corner, knocking Lee forward into an unbalanced state and causing him to spill the cup of hot tea all over me. I flinch back quickly, making some sort of gasp and an attempt to cover my face as he wobbles down.</p><p>It feels as though everything’s slowed down, which is a cliche way to describe the situation however I can’t think of a better way and it’s my story so I’m going to tell it like I want to. My legs curl up as an instinct reaction, my hands flying up as Lee looks terrified with his mistake. Damnit I knew it was a bad idea to wear this shirt. The tea clings to my clothes, wetting them to stick to my body with excruciating heat, but my hands take most of the burn. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a clumsy bitch so it isn’t my first time dealing with a burn from tea, except this one feels so much hotter and more intense. I scream quietly, not enough to startle Jet and Jin but enough to show the pain I felt. “I- I-" Lee stutters, tossing the cups to the side and reaching towards me as if he can just pick up the boiling tea. “Oh shit,” His left hand tightly grasps the side of his head as the right hovers above me. “I didn’t mean to.”</p><p>“It-it’s fine,” I stutter, flinching as he touches my soaked shirt and therefore pressing more of the hot tea onto my skin. God fucking damnit this hurts, I want to just cry out owowowowowowowow and hold myself to ease the pain except holding myself will make it worse and what the hell do you even do in this situation? I just start shaking, not wanting to move as Lee awkwardly stands up again, patting the air around me as if I was going to start running away, like what the hell is he even doing? Despite the pain in my hands, I clamp them together tightly to stop the pain from spreading more and damn why did this have to happen to me? </p><p>“Uhh wait here,” Lee sprints towards the edge of the rooftop, gliding down the rope ladder to go who knows where. I don’t move, I’m just sitting there because it would’ve been too much effort to get up and go with him and now the cold air hits which would be nice except it’s a little too much stimulation on my skin. If only I had inherited water bending so I could’ve healed myself from these imminent burns but I’m the most unlucky person alive so all I can do is sit here and wallow in self pity. Damn, I look helpless but I can’t do anything and I don’t want to bother Jin and where the hell did Lee go he better get back here quickly.</p><p>It’s been two, three, four, and now five minutes since Lee left. Is he even coming back? Did something happen to him? I have no idea where he went so I have no idea how long he was supposed to be gone and now I’m worrying less about my own problems and I’m starting to get concerned for him. I feel bad whenever I’m around Lee because something always goes wrong and he’s the one to do something about it. I have to keep reassuring myself that it wasn’t either of our faults and he’s probably not annoyed at me and it’s better that I just wait here for now. Oh no. If Lee is bringing a change of clothes, does that mean I’m going to have to change in front of him? I don’t really mind that inherently, but I don’t want him to feel awkward.</p><p>Y’know something’s changed about Lee, or maybe it’s just how I see him now. Prior to last night, I just saw him as a friend and we bonded over our long walks and just time at the tea shop because JIn got more preoccupied with her relationship. Lee was just a distraction at first but now I’m starting to get attached, I feel like he and I could really be something closer if we kept this little routine of ours up. And, after our time on the tram together, I just can’t stop seeing him as some kind of saviour for me, he really had no reason to act protectively even if it wasn’t that serious to him but it really meant a lot to me. I don’t think I can tell Lee that, because he’d probably think it was because I liked him or something lame like that but I really don’t, I’m just really appreciative towards him. I don’t like physical touch unless I feelit warranted, and I kinda regret that I didn’t give Lee a hug or something after he walked me home but I couldn’t do that then. </p><p>I try carefully lifting my compressed shirt off of my skin, but every time I do a combination of cold wind and hot tea hits the sensitive area and it hurts more but I still can’t stop myself from doing it. Suddenly, the rope ladder gets tight over the edge of the roof and I can visibly relax, I know Lee’s back with whatever he grabbed and I can spend the rest of the night in a somewhat better state. Lee almost trips over the ledge, carrying a tightly packed bag in his arm that doesn’t look exactly heavy but more of an inconvenience. Lee tosses the satchel onto the ground, reaching to pull out a towel that’s only big enough for me to wrap the top half of my body in. Rather than tossing it onto me, he tentatively pats around the soaked areas trying to not touch me directly with his hand which is more inconvenient than helpful so I just take it from him.</p><p>After easing some of the pain, I decided to say something to make Lee feel less frightened. “I think you’re cursed.” I laugh, aggressively dabbing the towel again the front side of me and slightly tucking it underneath my shirt at some points. Lee looks frightened, guilty more than anything and despite my initial annoyance, it’s really not that big of a deal. Except for my hands, they’re still stinging and shaking but that’s probably not going to change for awhile. “This is the second time my hands have gotten messed up since you moved here.” I say it in a joking way, but Lee still looks genuinely hurt which makes me feel bad because he wasn’t even the one to get physically hurt except he’s suffering more than I have. “I don’t mean that in a bad way, I was just joking.” I assure him, reaching my hand to comfort Lee.</p><p>“I really didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” Lee turns away, looking down because he probably saw my hands and saw how red they were. Nowhere near as red as his scar is, but definitely more red than the normal burn. It’s strange because the tea wasn’t even that hot, yet my hand looks as though it was touched by fire. I don’t know how that’s possible though, it’s not like Lee could’ve fire bend my hand out of panic because Lee’s not a fire bender. But he looks like he did something that bad, I hope Maou has some sort of healer on call so I can get this fixed when I get home. I hate not being able to use my hands, they just barely recovered from the last incident and now they’re burnt. Lee looks so stressed, so scared as if he accidentally poisoned the Earth King.</p><p>Before I can try to reassure him again, Lee reaches into his bag to pull out a pair of loose fitting clothes that look along the lines of his pajamas. “Here, I brought you a change of clothes.” He thrusts his arm towards me, and I tentatively take them from him with a soft thanks. Lee turns around mechanically, crossing his arms as he stands like a stoic sentinel above me. I peel off the wet top, awkwardly trying to unroll it and make it lay flat. Judging by the spacing of the paper lanterns, I could probably hang it on one of those lines so it can dry. I slide out of my pants, because those are wet as well and I’m not going to wear them any longer. However, when I lift up the oversized shirt from Lee’s offering, I realise he didn’t pack any pants. And I’m not about to put my other ones back on, so I guess I’ll just wear his shirt.</p><p>I stand up slowly, carrying my clothes to dry on the line behind us. “You took your pants off?” Lee asks confusedly, watching as I reach up to fling them over the line. I’m not facing him, but I can tell he quickly turned back around when I go onto the tips of my toes because his shirt isn’t exactly designed to be worn solo, it was just luck that I can walk without flashing everything. </p><p>“Yeah, they got tea spilt on them too.”</p><p>“I didn’t know, I thought it was just your shirt,” Lee starts to ramble out excuses, refusing to move as I draw closer behind him. “If I knew I would’ve grabbed some pants too, here, I’ll go grab some now so you don’t have to-“</p><p>I grab Lee’s arm firmly, pulling myself around to stand in front of him. “Hey, can you just chill out? It was a dumb mistake, but I’m fine now.” I crouch down to flip over all of the pillows that were hit with tea, which makes them colder except I really don’t want to try to lay on a wet spot. I sink back into a similar position as before, my hand tapping against Lee’s knee to get him to lay down too. I don’t intend to get that close or touchy with Lee, but it’s such a small place and the way the pillows curve kind of push us together but there’s no romantic undertones, I swear. I reach to grasp a blanket, draping it over us because it’s starting to get cold and I just lost my warmest item of clothing.<br/>
It’s really comfy, just laying on my back and staring up at the vast nothingness above us. </p><p>Lee stills seems terrified to relax, his hands clenched into fists by his sides in a military position. It’s just city’s silence, which is ignoring the distant sounds of a band playing and people closing their doors or arguing in the background. It’s so serene, the feeling of having someone lay next to you without it being suggestive or weird, Just having another presence (albeit a silent one) act in a comforting way by not trying to be overbearing. Hell, I never thought I’d be in this situation with anyone, much less Lee. Laying in a pile of blankets and pillows, staring up at the night sky while wearing a guy’s t-shirt. I guess I never thought I’d get close enough with someone to do this, it’s all so surprising. “I guess your house is nearby, isn’t it?”</p><p>Lee exhales, kind of shimmying his shoulders to get more comfortable. “Yeah, it’s that place in the building over with the light still on. Uncle tries to stay up to make sure I get home safe.” That’s such a simple act yet it’s so foreign and endearing to me. Sure, Yi’s stayed up to see where I’ve been recently but it never felt as welcoming as what Lee just said, as simple and un-elabourative as it was. And I saw Mushi when I was climbing up the ladder, he was a lone shadow resting in the lit window of the adjacent building. I suppose I’ll have to go over to his house tomorrow to return the shirt, it’s better there than bringing it to his work and getting weird stares. </p><p>“I bet he was confused when you came in to grab a towel and your pajamas.” I chuckle, rolling my body to face Lee but still staring up at the sky. Lee nods, adjusting to get more comfortable yet again. Our knees brush against each other, but we both quickly retract because this night’s already had too many of those close encounters and I don’t want to make it a habit with us. Not that I necessarily mind it, but it’s really not great grounds to form a lasting friendship. I clear my throat, crunching forward so I can tuck my arms behind my head in a double-triangle formation. “The sky really is pretty tonight, isn’t it?” </p><p>“You already said that.” Lee remarks, folding his arms across his chest and easing up after her previous board-like stance.</p><p>“Did I?” My cheeks would normally redden, but they’re already red from the cold so I just dopily smile like I’m having the best night of my life. “I can’t help it, the constellations are really prominent tonight.” I reach my left arm towards the sky, tracing my finger to connect the particularly bright stars. “That one looks like a teapot.” That’s a lame analysis and I’m sure Lee doesn’t want to even hear the letter ’t’ for awhile but it’s the analogy I thought of so Lee’s just going to have to deal with it. And, in the end of the day, I wasn’t hurt that badly so there’s no use overdramatising it or treating it like there’s a stigma. “Hey Lee,” I roll my head to the side so I can actually face him while talking, and oh my god he has such a nice side profile. “Tell me about the constellations from your homeland.”</p><p>Lee looks startled, but doesn’t say anything about it and just sighs. “It wasn’t like this. Where I grew up, everything was getting industrialised and mechanical so the skies were never this clear.” It’s interesting that he mentioned industrialisation, it sounds rather foreign which would normally give me a clue about where he’s from, except I’m not good with places so I wouldn’t know where to guess, perhaps I’ll ask Maou later. “When my uncle and I left home, we got to see clearer nights, but to be honest I never was really looking at the stars until Jin cornered me and told me to get ready for this.” I have to hold back a laugh, that’s exactly what Jin would’ve done and I’m surprised I didn’t think about how the two of them met up and planned this beforehand.</p><p>“That sounds like Jin,” I smile, rolling onto my back so I can stare at the terrifying grandeur of the night sky again. It’s pitch black, so dark and yet so welcoming as clusters of light pierce through the thickness. There’s no clouds tonight disrupting the view, just my imagination cumulating figures in the stars. “Y’know, there’s this thing Maou used to say about the night sky. He told me to look up and remember that no matter where he would go, we’d still always be under the same stars. And as long as we were under the same stars, he’d protect me. I guess he did a pretty lousy job at that, it’s kinda silly now that I’m the one to say it.” I laugh, leaning my head against Lee’s because he didn’t react weirdly to my statement and he doesn't seem uninterested either. “If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone?”</p><p>“Who would I tell? I’m not going to expose you to my uncle or anything.” Lee reassures me, I suppose he’s not ready for what I’m going to say but I just feel so randomly attached to Lee that despite me not knowing him well, I feel like I can open up about my past that’s been bothering me relentlessly tonight. It took me years to tell Jin this, but even though I’ve only known Lee for a few weeks I feel so close to him. It conflicts my mind, feeling like I’m betraying JIn for not feeling comfortable to tell her this before and yet I’m doing it with Lee so quickly without seemingly enough preparation. But I just want to tell him, I have some compulsion to open up to him and now I can’t stop myself as I start to unload my secrets.</p><p>“Well, I think you’ve already guessed that my real parents aren’t Maou and Yi-"</p><p>“Yi’s close enough in age to be your sister, you’re not fooling anyone with that cover.” Lee cuts in, still in a lighthearted manner and strangely it feels like we’re leaning closer together but I didn’t make any effort to do so so it must’ve been done on Lee’s part.</p><p>“You’d be surprised,” I laugh, feeling more confident about telling him this random story about my childhood. “But, uh, I’m not from the Earth Kingdom either. I was actually born in the Northern Water Tribe. Weird right?” Lee pales when I mention the Water Tribe, but I assume it’s because he realises I’m a foreigner. “It’s really fucking cold there, I hate the place. And yeah, my mom had me at about our age, it was a kinda unexpected situation after these Fire Nation soldiers invaded. I don’t remember a lot from there, but I do remember being isolated because I’m-“ shit I almost said I’m a fire bender. I will talk about my past trauma but I won’t expose myself that way. “-half Fire Nation. So when I was like four, my mother came to Ba Sing Se and just dropped me off at some random house and ditched me. I can still remember what she looks like, but I never heard her real name.”</p><p>Lee bites his bottom lip firmly, unsure of how to react to such a story. I don’t blame him, he didn’t ask to hear all of this but I’m going to consider it payback for him scarring my hands. “That sounds hard.” Is all he can muster, but I feel Lee hold me tighter because now his arm’s around my shoulder and my legs intertwining with his but there’s no romantic undertones because this is not a romantic date for us. It’s just two normal people clinging together to stay warm, it’s rather cold up here so we’re just trying to preserve body heat, speaking of which, I never realised how warm Lee is like all the time. I’ve mentioned it before but it’s really starting to weird me out the more I think about it, but there’s no time to linger on that thought because it’s my turn to carry the conversation. </p><p>“Not really, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I guess it just makes me wonder if she ever thinks about me or thinks about how we’re under the same moon. Or hell, I wonder if she’s still alive. I don’t want to see her either way, but it’s just strange.” Lee nods pensively, trying to formulate a sympathetic response without provoking me. </p><p>“My mother left when I was just a kid. I still don’t know why or where she is, and my father refused to tell me. I don’t think he ever really cared for me to begin with, but I couldn’t leave because I was nine. So I was just left to live with him and my psycho younger sister. She was perfect in his eyes, always the better one at everything like a mini version of himself. And at home it was always ‘Azula this’ and ‘Azula that’ so my uncle raised me from there.” After finishing his statement, Lee’s eyes widen significantly and he tenses again, trying to splutter out a response. “Wait I didn’t mean-“</p><p>“Azula’s a pretty name.” I calmly answer, tracing my finger up and down the embroidery on Lee’s tunic because it’s so pretty and defined and it seems to calm him down. “Reminds me of some king that I learned about in my old history lessons.” My fingers find one of the buttons so I just run it along the sides of my fingers while Lee cools down. “It’s almost like they knew they were going to have their second child as the favourite, Lee is way more underwhelming than Azula.”</p><p>Lee scoffs, pretending like I didn’t just diss his existence. I only meant it in jest, but you never know how guys interpret this stuff. “Yeah, it always felt that way.” I can tell Lee’s holding back something else, he seems genuinely hurt by this and it hurts me because I don’t know how to help him because he won’t tell me anything. I’m not going to reveal that I’m a fire bender though, I’ll only do that if my life is threatened because that in itself is treason, even though there’s no literal way that someone can control their bending abilities. “Let’s just change the subject, I don’t like talking about her.” Understandable, and honestly, I want to change the topic now that I’ve gotten my past off of my chest.</p><p>“Well, we could, uh,” Damnit Y/N, think of something! “Talk about our place in the universe?” I cringe hearing those words come out of my mouth, but Lee just laughs because, what the hell, what is our place in the universe? And then next thing I know we’re laughing, just laughing because how else do you ease the seriousness after talking about childhood trauma and my proposition was so random that there’s really no other explanation to that. “God, I don’t even know what else to talk about now, that was, ahahaha, a lot more than I was expecting to tell you.” My chest shakes with each laugh, and I find myself snuggling closer to Lee because I feel so protected and…warm around him. He always has this wave of heat surrounding him. </p><p>“I don’t mind, it was…nice to talk to someone about that.” Lee barely elaborated on the tip of his childhood, but I guess he’s spent so long feeling unable to talk about this that even just mentioning the most vague situation was enough for him. God, Lee’s interesting, I could see myself falling for him one day. I know he’d take care of me and I of him. But not in this reality, things are just too complicated and Lee doesn’t feel the same way and I don’t want to ruin anything so I’m just going to savour these moments of holding him to me without feeling like he’s going to leave. “I feel like I can actually say these things when I’m around you.”</p><p>And, amidst all the craziness that happened that night, that phrase is what stuck in my head for the next week. ‘I feel like I can actually say these things when I’m around you’. No one’s ever said that to me, not even Jin or Yi. And this boy, who I barely know said he trusted me. I’m…appreciated? I’m…trusted? Could it be that I’m not such a bad person after all and that just maybe I’m capable of feeling wanted by someone and just maybe I’m not such a helpless person after all? God, these emotions are really hitting hard tonight, but I can’t get Lee’s voice out of my head. I’m Lee’s friend. I’m Lee’s close friend. Lee likes to hear what I have to say and he’ll listen when I talk about my problems. Lee, why do you have to do this to me? I have to tell myself that it could never be because I know the moment I get too attached he’ll get pulled away from me and I don’t know how I could recover now that I know what I’d be missing.</p><p>So that’s why I can’t stop smiling, not when Jin trudges over in the early hours of the morning to wake us up from the pillow pile, not when she gives some witty remark about me waking up in Lee’s t shirt, not when Lee and I descend that wimpy rope ladder at four in the morning, not when we reach out divergent paths on the street. I assure Lee that I’ll be okay walking home on my own, and that he can just go to bed at his house. That smile, despite the tiredness keeping me from seeing straight, returns as I wrap my arms around Lee and wish him sweet dreams before stumbling up the gravelly road to go back to my house. I can’t stop smiling as I float through the front door, ignoring Yi’s scoldings as I show up not in my clothes and with a dopey grin on my face. That really was the best night of my life, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to top the feeling of cuddling with someone who cares about me while looking at the stars and talking about just anything. I feel like I’ve found a new vice, one that sends me into such a state of euphoria that’s probably because of sleep deprivation and not feeling wanted for over a decade but who cares about logic at this point?</p><p>Lee said he trusts me. And that’s all that matters to me now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you guys have good dreams :) I love you all and I appreciate you all sm</p><p>Kinda random but I'm not super into astrology or mbti stuff, are any of you guys good with that?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. "You can have a chill day at home"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Woahhh me posting twice in a week? Start of quarantine me could never. Lots of Yi backstory, it came to me in a vision two days ago so I had to write. I think I'll make the next chapter some kind of filler, I can feel my writer's energy dying</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I swear my life is starting to turn upside down. Normally Yi chastises me about my late returns home, and she did this time, but it felt less…passionate I suppose. She came into my room as I face planted onto my bed, leaning in the doorframe and giving off the usual ‘why are you out this late’ ‘did your friends get home safe’ and ‘why do you look like a mess’. I didn’t want to waste time explaining why I’m wearing Lee’s t shirt or why my hands are burnt or why I came back this early because sunrise is in like two hours and I normally just wait to come home then if it gets too late. Yi doesn’t even ask if I got home safely because I was walking home at such an obscure hour. </p><p>“Did you have fun?” Yi asks when I drag myself downstairs around ten in the morning, looking like a corpse because I couldn’t sleep well when I got home and I had to change so Maou wouldn’t interrogate me because I’d like to leave him out of my personal life as much as possible. I look up lazily, using the back of my hand to push back my cheeks to get some circulation there. “And don’t just say yes or no, I want to know why you came home at four, why you didn’t come back in your clothes, and why your hands are burnt.” Well there goes my chance of letting this fly under the radar, I knew I expected too much of Yi to assume she wouldn’t want to know everything about my night. She probably misses doing the same dumb shit with her friends, that’s probably why she’s trying to relive her teen years through me.</p><p>“We went stargazing at Jet’s place.” I yawn, opting to give vague answers for everything because Yi doesn’t even know what went down during the interview so it’s going to awkward explaining everything that led up to this night out. “I accidentally spilled tea on myself so that’s why my hands are burnt and I got a change of clothes.” Yi lifts up my hand, holding it in one of the sunbeams from the window to examine the burnt texture. “I would’ve come home earlier except I fell asleep.” And I didn’t want to leave Lee’s arms but Yi doesn’t have to know that or even know that Lee and I were next to each other so I’m not going to elaborate. </p><p>“This burn looks pretty bad, how hot was the tea?” Yi squints before basically throwing my hand back on the table to get something to attend to my wound. “Look, I might not know the most about fire bending or any bending for that matter, but what I do know is that this burn isn’t from hot water. I would say that you must’ve burnt yourself with fire on accident except you can’t burn your hands with your own fire. So I don’t know what’s going on here but unless you touched the fire heating the tea directly, you wouldn’t have gotten burnt this badly. It’s going to scar.” Yi groans, pulling out some bandages and ointment. “Are you sure you’re telling me everything that happened?” God I hate that phrase, I know it’s just a bluff but it always makes me feel like the other person knows something they’re not telling me. It makes me feel so weak, even if I don’t have anything else to stay that phrase will make me want to say something</p><p>“Yeah there’s nothing more to it.” I yank my hand away, choosing to bandage it on my own except my hands are so shaky that I can’t pull it tight and damn this is just feeling more stressful. I would get up and go down to Pao’s Tea Sop so that I can have Mushi swaddle my hands except I don’t want to put that responsibility on him or make it awkward because he knows I was with Lee last night so I’ll just settle for using my mouth to help pull it tight. “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll be heading out soon. Jin wanted to hang out in the market to get some new clothes for her date with Jet. They’re going somewhere fancy tomorrow evening.” Well that’s a lie, but I need an excuse to get out of the house because Yi’s going to start asking more if I stay.</p><p>“Sure, you can go. Once you answer my question.” Damn, I knew it would’ve been too good to be true if Yi just let me walk out without knowing what she wants. Yi wasn’t always this demanding, but she’s sensed that lately I’ve been different and she probably wants to know why because we’ve lived with each other for many years and that’s what happens when you build a bond with someone. “What happened at the interview?” My entire body freezes, every muscle stiffening in it’s spot because that’s a sensitive subject for me and I was only expecting something about Lee’s shirt and god why now I was just starting to forget about that. </p><p>“I-, um, I’m afraid I don’t follow.” That’s all I can say, I’m so awestruck and suddenly I feel sick to my stomach and everywhere that Yang touched me starts throbbing, as if his treacherous hands were still grasping me and pinning me to himself. Oh god this sick feeling that Lee somewhat appeased comes back full fledged, as if it was just festering and growing last night. “Why do you want to know?” I cough, yearning to grab the side of my head as I feel the floor start to spin. I want to throw up, I want to scratch at myself and hide under my covers because how can someone as dirty as I just stand before Yi? Yang’s disgusting, I’m disgusting, how could I let him do that to me?</p><p>“Well I was just curious before but now I realise something’s up.” Yi rests a hand on my shoulder, holding me in my seat as she rests beside me to hold my shaky and poorly bandaged hands. “Truthfully, while you were up changing, Jin mentioned how Lee started the plan by saying they should do something for you. Because you seemed different after the interview and he doesn’t know why but what he does know is that you’re hurting.” Yi rubs the back of my hand in soft circles, staring at me although I can’t meet her eyes. “Well, Jin narrated that and probably added her own flourishes but you get the idea. Can you tell me what happened?”</p><p>I never thought I’d be here. I didn’t think I’d be crying before noon with Yi about getting sexually harassed, I never thought Yi would hold me tightly and rub my back as I choke out explanations and try to describe what happened despite how much it pained me to relive that night. Yi doesn’t say anything, she just holds me and tells me that I’m safe now which reminds me of last night when I was with Lee and he was holding me and now I realise how much stress I’ve caused him because of this and I feel bad because who wouldn’t feel bad about hiding something from their friend? And now I have to tell someone all over again and hopefully I won’t cry because I don’t want to cry in front of Lee not because I like him or anything but just because crying’s kind of lame and I’m tired of being seen as vulnerable in his eyes. </p><p>I don’t really know why I keep crying, why the flow is never satisfied because I didn’t know I could cry this much over something that happened so quickly yet scarred so deeply. I just want to know why it happened, what I did wrong. I’m a very logical person and when I’m confused I need answers, so I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn’t so wayward, maybe if I hadn’t put that perfume in my bag, maybe I didn’t assert my presence enough or I wasn’t strong enough or I…I just need to find a reason why, and the difficult part to grasp is that there’s no reason why. To this day I can’t shake the feeling, which I know is fully irrational, that I’m not supposed to be alive. And this was my sign, so I hope that icky feeling goes away at some point. After I finish my rant, Yi just rocks side to side with me, refusing to budge or let me breathe because she’s so frightened that I had to experience something so grossly that she knows she could’ve prevented if she told me to not go. “You know you didn’t do anything wrong, right?” Yi finally whispers into my hair, soothing my breathing to a slow.</p><p>“Y-yeah,” I cry, grasping the folds of her tunic tighter as the final tears stream down my face and damn I’m going to be puffy later but I can’t help it.</p><p>“Can you say that?”</p><p>I think for a moment. I know I did nothing wrong, right? It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t provoke him or anything. “N-no,” I choke, rubbing my face harder and wanting to kick myself for being so hopeless. “Not yet.” I hate this feeling, just being weak and helpless and hopeless to something that I know I could’ve prevented. I know if I was in the right headspace I could’ve easily fought Yang off of me, if I was more attentive I wouldn’t have left myself so defenceless to him in the classroom. I just froze and felt like I couldn’t breathe which makes me feel worse because now I know what my weakness is. Everyone’s full of weaknesses, and it’s easiest to find a weak person’s so I guess that means I’m weak now. Weak. I hate that word, but I can’t stop myself from saying it.</p><p>“Don’t go out today.” Yi breaks the silence, rotating my head for me so I don’t suffocate against her chest. I would protest but deep down I know I don’t want to go outside, I don’t want to get ready for the day and I don’t want to run into anyone else but Lee. “If you want to see Jin, I’ll invite her over so you can have a chill day at home. But I don’t want you going where I can’t see you for awhile.” Normally I would’ve groaned and pulled myself from Yi and snuck out of the house anyways but I just feel so broken that I can’t move from my position. I nod, which may have been a way for me to wipe my eyes but I still agree with what Yi’s proposing. “We’ll get takeout for lunch. Wherever you want.”</p><p>I can’t savour this moment because I’m still so confused. Yi keeps changing her personality for me, I can’t comprehend why and it’s so befuddling but I’m not complaining. I think Yi’s acting overprotective because she blames herself for what happened because I said I didn’t want to go to the interview and she made me nonetheless. I think Yi feels sad because she knows what I’ve gone through before, and she couldn’t stop Scar then either. I think she feels as vulnerable as I do and the only thing she knows how to do now is to hold me and be the comfort that she needed at her lowest points. With that assumption in mind, I feel more complaint and receptive to her advances.</p><p>The rest of the day was pretty lazy, I didn’t do much and I ended up spending the day with Yi because I didn’t want to deal with two people. She and I ordered food from this cheap seafood restaurant, Yi leaving me for fifteen minutes to go bring lunch home. We did a lot of talking, just laughing about dumb things that happened these past few months as we gave ourselves a manicure. I know, it’s a lot more feminine than I’d usually opt for, but it was nice to just decompress and do nothing the entire day. Yi closed the flower shop so we didn’t have any annoying customers come, so it really was just the two of us in the house because Maou was out and about doing business. “So,” I recline on the lounge, taking a sip of my subpar tea. “How did you and Maou get together? He’s like twice your age.”</p><p>Yi rolls her eyes, rolling onto her stomach so she can look at me better. “It’s kinda embarrassing,” she laughs, looking down to cover her face. She was holding a bottle of alcohol before but she sets it down to retell her past. “I wasn’t really a good kid when I was your age,” her cheeks redden quickly and I have to hold back a laugh because neither am I. “My parents enrolled me in this fancy boarding school in the Upper Ring but I ditched the classes to hang out with my boyfriend. And when my parents found out, they made me repay them for all they spent to give me a good education and cut me off. Which was pretty lame, I was only sixteen and I couldn’t get a job at any decent place because of the reputation my parents spread to everyone.”</p><p>“I never heard any of the rumours, are you sure you’re not overdramatising it?” I laugh, giving Yi a teasing look.</p><p>“That’s because you were nine and stop interrupting.” She throws a pillow at me, hushing me with her finger. “So the only place I got a job was at this underground restaurant that was associated with this crime syndicate but I didn’t know at the time. My boyfriend got me the gig but he dumped me after, I never really found out why.” I bet it had to do with Maou, this just screams something Maou would do. “Anyways, Maou was a frequent customer there and I had just gotten disowned by my parents and my heart broken so I was acting like a fucking idiot and a whore because I wanted to feel loved.” Yi was laughing before, but now she seems more intense and regretful and I relate because my parents disowned me too and now I’m love starved and maybe that’s why Yi and I get along so well. God I hope I don’t lose my self respect and end up like her, I’m not trying to diss Yi but seeing how similar we are scares me. </p><p>“So he and I would talk more and he came like every day and for some reason I still felt allegiant to my parents so I wasn’t ashamed of getting money from him.” I don’t want to ask Yi what means she took to do that but I have an idea. “But yeah that went on for like half a year and then Maou was all ‘what’s a girl like you doing down here’ which he should’ve asked earlier but we didn’t do much talking for a time so I was like well I’m sixteen and he got pissed, like really fucking mad that I lied about my age and he thought that I he was going to kill me or something. But he was like ‘why did you lie to me you’re underage’ and I was like ‘I need the money to repay debts’ and we went back and forth and then we finally made up and it took a bit but he wasn’t mad at me anymore.”</p><p>“What the hell did you do to get him to cool down? Couldn’t be me, Maou despises me too much.”</p><p>“Lots of affirmations and pretending to be sad and subordinate so he’d regain his pride. I’m not going to go into more detail about what specifically because-“</p><p>“Good, I didn’t want to hear anyways,”</p><p>Yi casts me a frown, flicking her hand at me to shut up so she can finish her story. “I even went home with Maou a few times and started putting a change of clothes at this place but when I was there this bitch caught us and got all mad at Maou which was really a bad idea. Anyways, a few months before my eighteenth birthday Maou was like I can help you repay all of your debts but you have to marry me and I was like well okay we’ll do it once it’s legal. I was already with him so it wouldn’t be much different, he didn’t let me meet with other customers and I quit my job which was nice because I hated it there and then when I moved in that cranky bitch was gone and I met you.” Yi picks up a cracker from our charcuterie board, rolling it between her fingers for a bit before eating it. “And it was too late for me to back out of the marriage without getting killed and that’s when I found out I had to parent a kid that’s barely eleven.”</p><p>I’m laughing with Yi again but she makes me want to cry now, I feel guilty. No wonder Yi wasn’t that great of a parent until I was in my mid-teens, I never considered the fact that she’s barely older than me and probably wasn’t prepared to raise a kid, a fire bending kid at that. It’s not out of character for Maou to not mention it, but it still bothered me that Yi really had no idea. And she probably was just too driven by the desire to repay her parents that she agreed to anything without considering the consequences. Gosh, I can’t imagine Yi being a prostitute (well, she probably wasn’t a prostitute officially but that’s how Maou treated her), I mean it makes sense but at the same time it’s strange that Maou cared enough for a whore or thought that he could manipulate her enough to cover for his illegal ass and to parent a kid that he’s scared to lose custody over. </p><p>And then I remember what Yi said- ‘that cranky bitch was gone’. She probably meant my first mother, the one I barely remember that raised me for longer than Yi has except she was more of an instructor than a parent. But she was taken out by Maou or his men because she got too irritating and overbearing and Maou found a new toy he liked to play with. She and Maou were together for at least seven years, and it’s almost been six years that Maou and Yi have lived together. I wonder if Yi noticed the pattern, or if the pattern will change. If she gets too, well, anything, for Maou, then he probably wouldn’t think twice about killing and replacing her with some other whore he’s probably seeing on the side. I think Yi knows this and that’s why she’s taking extra effort to please Maou because Maou doesn’t exactly let people just ‘walk away’ from him. “Well, that’s enough of me opening up about the skeletons in my closet. Now it’s my turn to ask you something.”</p><p>“Hmm, maybe that’s not such a good idea, the last time you did that I started crying.” I laugh, rolling onto my side to get more comfortable because I feel like I know what Yi is going to ask me. Which is more about last night. And I enjoyed last night far too much so I feel like the more I talk about it, the more it will ruin the charm and the more I’ll overthink everything I said and did. I’ll just flatter her to change the subject so I don’t have to be proven correct. “Y’know, you’re like the big sister I never had, Yi.” Yi places her hand on her heart in a fake sappy way, as if she was just presented some award and had to act surprised.</p><p>“Aww, that’s really sweet Y/N. But I’d rather just be referred to as your mom, I have too many bad stories with my older sister and I don’t want to be associated with her.” Yi shudders, glancing back at me but trying to avoid my eyes because she can tell that I want to know more. “I’m not going to rant like last time, I’ll just give you a basic summary. She was always miss perfect growing up, had my parents set unrealistic expectations on me, and now she’s married to some high-ranking official and though I haven’t met them, I know she has two sons.” Aish, that must be rough too. Not knowing your nephews and never getting to meet them because of getting disowned. Now I want to meet my kinda-cousins, I hope they’re not older than me. “Okay now you have to tell me about Lee.”</p><p>Fuck, I spent too long pitying Yi and imagining meeting my cousins that I forgot to think of how to answer Yi. I want to lie, I really do, and downplay the entire situation, however Yi just opened up about something Maou, her only other confidant probably doesn’t know. Yi’s probably never told anyone about this until now and I have the nerve to try to lie to her? Disrespectful, disgraceful, not to mention just plain rude. And, sadly, Yi doesn’t have many friends so who is she going to tell? Not Maou, that’s for sure, so why do I care what she hears about what’s *not* going on between Lee and I? We’re not dating, we don’t even like each other, we’re just normal friends that cuddled because it was cold and happen to wear each others clothes because one of us is really clumsy. “Well, he works at the tea shop with his uncle and-“</p><p>“Cut the small talk, I already know that.” Yi looks like a whiny child, probably because she is one, and reaches for another bottle of soju to ease her mind after revealing her darkest secrets. “Tell me what’s going on between you two, don’t think I didn’t notice you wearing his shirt.” She says after taking a drink, wiping her top lip with the edge of her palm.</p><p>Damn she knew it was his shirt? I mean, it definitely wasn’t Jin’s and I doubt Jet would give me his shirt so I guess that leaves Lee as the only other alternative. I roll my eyes, propping myself up on my forearm. “I’ll tell you if you get me a bottle of soju too.”</p><p>“Uh-uh,” Yi says through her sips, shaking her head and casting me an angered stare. “You’re underage, and I’m not condoning underage drinking in this house.”</p><p>“Hasn’t stopped me before.”</p><p>“What?!”</p><p>Shit, lemme cover it up. “So Lee and I are friends, we’ve been for awhile and there’s nothing going on between us. I already told you that he spilled tea on me and since Jet and Jin were preoccupied he went to get a change of clothes at his place.” Simple enough, gets to the point and I didn’t lie about anything so my conscience is clear. Except Yi doesn’t look satisfied so I’m bracing myself for a drunk lecture because Yi drinks quickly and heavily and it’s not like she gets mean when she’s under the influence but she does get very overt and shows no self restraint, which leads me to wonder how good her birth control is that she hasn’t had a kid with Maou yet because they’ve both drank for years. Maybe she can’t have kids, but that’s a little personal and I don’t want to ask Yi.</p><p>“Wait it was Lee that spilled tea on you? I thought you said you spilt it on yourself?” Yi coughs, glancing back at my hands quickly because they’re not covered and the scars are very prominent. </p><p>“I felt bad, I wanted to cover for him because he feels really guilty even though it’s not that serious.” Scratching the side of my head, I swing my legs over the side of the couch so I can sit upright. “It wasn’t like he meant to burn me, so I don’t feel upset at him.” I look at Yi, noticing how her eyes glaze over so I can start rambling without her remembering. “It’s hard to get upset at Lee, he reminds me of myself in a way, I can’t describe it but whenever I’m with him it feels so familiar. When I’m with Jin, I’m genuinely happy and that’s fine but there’s something that’s just inherently foreign about her still, one I don’t think we can ever overcome. But when I’m with Lee, even when we bicker, I’m really fucking happy and I feel like I’m home. That sounds really cheesy, but I’d rather explain it lamely than use words that I don’t usually use to make it sound poetic.”</p><p>“Yeahhhh,” Yi slurs, the pile of bottles growing around her. I usually don’t mind, but I find myself bending over and collecting the bottles so Yi doesn’t accidentally break one and cut herself. “So do you like him?” Yi’s not listening, she doesn’t even remember what I said but she doesn’t protest when I pry her half finished bottle from her hands to stop her from getting alcohol poisoning. I down the last bit, shuddering my head as it hits my tongue but restraining myself now so I don’t start something I can’t finish. Once the areas, cleaned up, I finally answer Yi because I couldn’t get wrapped up in talking while leaving her as a mess on the floor.</p><p>“No, he and I are just friends. We both care about each other, but I don’t like him romantically. Someday I might, but not now. I trust Lee to care for me and love me, but I don’t think I’m capable of being with someone like him. It’s nothing wrong with Lee, it’s a problem with myself. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love someone enough to date them without being afraid.” I roll my head to glance at Yi, who’s drifting off to sleep so it’s better that I take her upstairs now while she’s still somewhat conscious. I loop her arm over my shoulder, raising her to her wobbly legs and practically dragging her up the stairs towards her room. Yi isn’t inherently heavy, but I’m already feeling weak today and she’s not making it any easier on me. Once I close the door to her room, I return downstairs because I like relaxing in the front room on my own. There’s only three rooms on the downstairs floor (The flower shop which connects to a closet, the stairs going up, and the kitchen; the kitchen which acts as the joint connector between the shop, the living room, and the door outside; and the living room which is to the right of the kitchen and is long enough to meet the front of the flower shop in a perfect square).</p><p>I feel changed after Yi and I spending the day together. I’m somewhat scared now, I’m not sure why, but after hearing Yi’s story I can understand why she’s an alcoholic. She was sent into a volatile situation just over a need for money, and now she doesn’t know how much longer she’ll be kept around. I don’t think Yi loves Maou, but I think she loved the idea of him as a saviour from her debt. I can imagine Yi finally going back to her parents with the money, but they probably still refused to accept her after hearing of what she did to appease them. And now she has to live with that regret forever, knowing she lost her family and not being able to meet her nephews and brother-in-law. I wonder if her nephews know they have an aunt, or if the memory of Yi had just faded away. God that makes me feel depressed, I wish there was something I could do to save her.</p><p>It’s dark by now, Yi and I spent longer talking than I intended and I kind of want to make some dinner but I’m feeling lazy. Maybe I’ll make some ramen, that won’t take too long to prepare but I just feel like laying on the couch and relaxing to the sound of silence. I wish Lee or Jin were here, I don’t want to be alone anymore and I really, really, really like spending time with them because that’s what friends are for. But it’s too late for me to go out now, so I’ll just spend the night relaxing. I’m in my pyjamas, I’m comfortable, I’m relaxed, there’s no stress here, and there’s nothing that can possibly disturb the peace…except for a stiff knock against the front of the flower shop’s door. What the hell? It’s like ten at night, why is someone knocking to be let in?</p><p>I roll my eyes, ignoring better judgement of ignoring it and trudge over to see who’s coming to be a bother. I prepare to crack open the door and give some practised phrase about how we’re closed and we don’t do business after sundown, and to come back tomorrow. But when I open the door, it’s Lee standing there with a heaving chest and his hand stabling himself against the frame. His lip is bloodied, he looks like he’s been beat up because of the way he avoids standing in certain positions. I hold still for a moment, just in awe at the state he’s in and wondering why the hell he’s here of all places. “What the hell did you do?” I swing open the door, pulling Lee’s arm over my shoulder and helping him inside because it’s cold out there and waiting in doorframes isn’t really my style, like just pick a damn side are you in or out?</p><p>I guide Lee through the shop and over to the living room, he’s bloodied but not heavily bleeding so he can sit on the couch without making me come up with an explanation as why someone else’s blood was there (I can’t say it’s mine because Maou has this uncanny ability to detect who’s blood is whose, so he knows mine and wouldn’t fall for that shit). “My uncle told me not to go out and I didn’t want to get lectured by him.” Lee sheepishly explains, not seeming to process how bizarre it is for him to show up at this hour in this state with that lame of an explanation, like what the hell was he doing and why the hell am I so concerned for him? Goddamnit Y/N, just focus on treating him before he gets some infection. And he doesn’t want his uncle to get mad at him for something he did so he comes here? He’s got some flawed logic. “Sorry for just showing up-“</p><p>“It’s fine, I just,” God I don’t even know what to say I’m so confused. He can’t lie to me anymore because Lee came here on his own so he knows that I’m going to interrogate him but I guess he would rather get interrogated by me than lectured by his uncle which is somewhat endearing but still doesn’t solve my confusion. Where to even start with the questions? There’s too many but I’ll have to start slow. “I have so many questions,” Lee looks down in shame, and I run both of my scratchy hands through my hair to grasp the back of my scalp. “Are you hungry?” I blurt out, mostly because I lost my appetite when Lee came but I still have ingredients set up for ramen so there’s no use in wasting them or putting them away.</p><p>Lee still refuses to meet my eyes but he raises his gaze at the proposition. “Yeah, that’d be nice.” I nod doing some kind of bobbing motion like a pigeon as I just keep assuring myself that we’re fine and Lee’s fine and he’s safe now and he’s going to tell me everything as I go to the stovetop. Normally I’d take some extra effort to start the fire but I just use my finger because I’m not thinking straight and I just want to go back to Lee and beat him up for making me this stressed. Lee hobbles into the kitchen behind me, one hand grasping his side tightly as the other reaches out to touch my shoulder. Thankfully, he’s loud enough that I can sense when he’s close so I can turn around and stop him from touching my back because I hate people coming to me from behind now. I gently push him back, motioning with my hands for him to take a seat at the table. </p><p>“Lee, I-“ I hate sounding like I can’t finish a sentence but I’m just so shocked that I can’t conjugate a complete phrase. “Look, I’m glad you’re safe and your injuries don’t look too bad but you can’t keep doing this to me.” Of course when I say this I mean that he can’t keep stressing me out, not like there’s an issue with him showing up in my life and making me swoon because there is no room for feelings in this coldhearted bitch. “I’m going to ask what happened and you’re going to tell me everything and if you even think about lying I will kill you.” I groan, sinking into the seat beside him and resting my face in my hands because out of all of my friends I’m the only one that’s supposed to get beat up and hurt and damaged and now Lee’s coming for my spot and ugh why is he making it hard for me to think?</p><p>Lee looks the same as when he burnt my hands and I’m to blame for that guilty expression because I was harsh with my words but doesn’t he realise how unprepared I was for this? “I can’t tell you why.” Lee chokes out, and I want to smack him upside the head and ask why because why can he do this to me but not be able to give me a real explanation? I’m hurt, I didn’t want this to start all angsty and aggressive but I have no self control. “There’s things that you’re not supposed to know and I told you too much last night too and uncle’s going to be disappointed because I can’t do anything right.” Lee rushes, if he wasn’t such a prideful bastard he’d probably be crying now because I can tell how tormented and conflicted he feels but I can’t help him if he won’t tell me.</p><p>I just stare at him with sad eyes, unable to give a sympathetic expression or anything that would make him feel better but as his friend it’s my responsibility to try. I exhale deeply, pulling my hair from my face and groaning as I try to calm myself down because it’s not my place to get mad, Lee just needs someone to care for him and calm him down. “If you won’t tell me, I guess I can’t force you.” I feel such a change in my tone as I force myself to relax. “But you know I care about you Lee.” I lift his chin to meet my eyes because I’m tired of talking to the top of his head. “And, I don’t know, seeing you like this hurts me but what hurts me more is that you won’t tell me why.” I linger in this position, seeing Lee frantically attempt to divert his gaze while simultaneously being unable to break from my stare. I can hear the water bubbling to a boil in the pot, so I relinquish my grasp to go finish making Lee’s ramen.</p><p>Except I can’t walk away because Lee grabs my hand with his blood-smeared one, not pulling me closer but just holding me like a tether. He opens his mouth, like one would when they’re parched for water, but nothing comes out so he just waits there with a gape. I slide from his grasp (it was firm but I’m not as weak as I come off) and go attend to the pot. I had already seasoned the water so it’s just time to add the noodles and greens, and thankfully Yi made a bunch of soy sauce eggs so I don’t have to try to poach one. “Y/N I’m sorry,” I feel my muscles tighten as he says that, but I just have to try to keep moving while the broth’s right. Damn why can’t Lee just shut up and give my heart a break for awhile? I might just catch feelings if he keeps doing this to me. Neither of us say anything as I carry the pot over towards the table, making sure to grab our nice chopsticks because the last thing I want is to look poor above everything else now.</p><p>I adjust the pot for Lee, returning to my seat and wrapping my arms around my legs. Lee seems scared to eat, as if I poisoned him or something to compensate for his random arrival. “If I knew you weren’t going to eat I would’ve made the ramen for myself.” I interrupt the awkward silence, nodding my head so Lee can start eating before I drive myself insane. Lee, as if possessed by someone with confidence, grasps the chopsticks briskly and carefully pulls out a small tangle of noodles, slightly shaking it so the broth (which is still very hot and we’ve learned that Lee and I do not mix with hot water) doesn’t flick upwards. He offers it towards me, and because we don’t have anything to hold underneath I have to lean forward because damnit maybe I am a little hungry. I hold my hair back with one hand, the other grasping the table as I crane my neck forward to slurp up the ramen without getting the broth on me or Lee. So this is how it feels when someone feeds me…I don’t hate it.</p><p>Once I finish Lee goes to offer some more but I refuse, I made it for him, after all. Y’know in hindsight maybe the reason I was so emotional and snappy at him was because I was a little hangry and the bite of ramen wasn’t a lot but it’s enough to satisfy me and quell my harsh remarks. I’m still slightly mad at Lee, just for showing up like this so he better give me a good explanation as to why. “Thanks, it’s really good.” Lee mumbles after a mouthful, and I realise his discomfort so I try to think of something to make me leave so he can eat how he wants to.</p><p>“I’m gonna go get my medical stuff, when you’re done with that I can start fixing you.” Damnit, I just realised that Lee’s probably in pain because he has a cut lip and now he’s eating ramen. He doesn’t show that discomfort though, which is courteous to my feelings. Once I round the corner to go to my room, I wait to hear if Lee does something different, and my suspicions are correct. He quickly starts finishing his ramen, slurping to satisfy his ravenous hunger and it’s funny to listen to but I should really go get my bandages and ointments so I don’t leave Lee alone for too long. As awkward as it would be with Maou coming home to see both of us there, it’d be worse if it was just Lee sitting there. </p><p>When I re enter the kitchen, Lee’s finished his ramen and he’s patiently waiting for me to come back because he doesn’t know how we do the dishes at my house, which is fair. I set the bag down, grabbing his pot and chopsticks to go set them in the sink to ‘soak’ so Yi can clean them in the morning. Lee automatically walks back to the other room, and I follow because 1.) there’s better lighting in there and 2.) it’s harder for someone to walk in on us. I wet a rag once Lee lays down, one I can use to remove the dried blood before directly cleaning the wound. I’ll start on his lips, that’s where it looks the worst and it’s also the easiest to see because he’s wearing a dark suit to cover everything else. I stand above Lee, trying to find the best angle to come at but I’m unmoving because the only alternatives Lee’s left me is to kneel on the floor beside him and awkwardly lean over or to straddle him or to sit between his legs and bend forward but with my luck Yi’s going to stumble in here when I’m on top of him. Lee notices my perplexmxent, moving to adjust his position. “I wasn’t thinking, sorry,”</p><p>“It’s fine,” I swallow my pride, opting to kneel beside him and lean over because that’s the least sexual. I prop myself up on the balls of my feet, kneeling down to support myself while I lean forward to attend to Lee and though I don’t feel inherently uncomfortable doing this, I don’t want to make it a habit with him. My left hand slides behind his neck to cradle his head as my right begins to dab at the cut, causing Lee to flinch with the contact. “Does it sting?” I ask like an idiot, not wanting to make him hurt more than necessary but of course it fucking stings or he wouldn’t be jolting like that.</p><p>“A little, but don’t stop.” Damn that could be hot in a different situation, but I’m not going to go there. I finish cleaning the excess dirt and debris, revealing raw flesh as I continue to press away. I remove the cloth and grab some ointment, patting it onto the pad of my ring finger in a minuscule dollop. I tap my finger against Lee’s lip, trying to not smear it in other places while simultaneously avoiding his eye contact because I know it’s natural and Lee’s probably doing it unintentionally but I don’t want to start something that I shouldn't finish. Not like anything would happen anyways, Lee’s not like that. I would put some sort of bandaging over the cut, but it’s always awkward to bandage the lips so I just leave it exposed. Lee suddenly grasps my wrist with some urgency and I nearly yelp because who the hell does something that unprecedented. “Was the burn that bad? I don’t want to make you do this if your hands still hurt.”</p><p>I appreciate his concern, but I’m a big girl and it’s going to take a lot more than this to stop me. I don’t jerk my hand away though, I just sit there like an idiot as Lee tries to glance behind the wrappings to see the scar. “You did a number on me, I’m not gonna lie,” I laugh, lifting my wrist from his grasp and setting the rag back to the side of the bowl. “I didn’t think tea could get that hot, it’s almost like you burnt me with fire bending.” I jokingly say this, but Lee pales and his concern fades to worry…nah, worry’s too simple, it’s definitely more along the lines of panic. I’ll deal with Lee’s hand’s next, they don’t look inherently bad but they need to be cleaned.</p><p>“Well…what if I was a fire bender?”</p><p>Now it’s my turn to pale and freeze awkwardly, the rag just hanging above the basin and dripping water because I can’t wring it out. But Lee’s just joking, he’s funnier than I initially thought but I can tell he has a hidden sense of humour deep down in there. “I’d call you a liar,” Lee seems to relax with me as I un-tense my shoulders, finishing shaking out the excess water. “And I’d ask you to prove it.” I turn on my knees, grasping his hand firmly to scrub the cloth against it as Lee gets equally as terrified as before. It’s just a joke…right? Lee’s not actually a fire bender, there’s only one fire bender in Ba Sing Se and that’s me. I mean, he’s just trying to prolong the joke by pretending to be scared but it’s been awhile and now I’m starting to worry and oh my god it all makes sense now.</p><p>The unwillingness to elaborate on where he’s came from, the awkward exchanges of their names at the tea shop, Mushi doing a Fire Nation bow before correcting it to the Earth Kingdom’s style, the unfamiliarity with basic Earth Kingdom customs, the warm aura that constantly follows Lee, Jet’s aversion towards him, the vagueness on his past, the name Azula in comparison to Lee, and the fact that Lee got so panicked when I got burned. It’s because he did fire bend on accident, it wasn’t some crazy hot tea it was his power getting exposed. I slowly look up at Lee, my hands have stopped moving and I don’t know whether to react in a terrified manner or to welcome him with open arms because why the fuck is there another fire bender in Ba Sing Se? “Oh my god you’re not lying.”</p><p>I want to scream, I want to get mad at him for lying to me but what kind of sick hypocrite would that make me if I can’t reveal the same? It’s not his fault that he couldn’t reveal that part about himself to me, he didn’t know if he could trust me and even if you trust someone you can never be too sure what’s going to happen. “I guess I’m pretty bad at keeping a cover.” Lee frowns, if I can even call him Lee anymore, and I just gulp, sucking up whatever confused feelings I have to finish taking care of Lee because that’s what he came here for. How the hell does he want me to respond? Hell, I don’t even know how to respond to this. Lee guiltily meets my eyes, terrified because he’s in such a vulnerable position with me and I can’t speak and I…I just don’t know what to say. I know Lee feels the same way about the situation because how does someone even react to that? And why doesn’t he try to defend it, I mean, it’s not like anyone really wants to reveal this kind of thing.</p><p>I shake my head, laughing awkwardly to try to lighten up the mood because even though Lee’s sent me through a roller coaster of emotions in the past hour, I still need to be calm for him because he probably wasn’t expecting this reveal either. “Y’know you are pretty bad at keeping your cover.” I nearly interlace fingers with Lee as I rub the cloth against his palm in kneading motions. “I could’ve been bluffing my realisation that you are a fire bender and you just confirmed my suspicions.” I smile, removing the cloth and grabbing some ointment to massage in the creases. I demurely look up towards Lee, internalising my concern as his hand twitches with the sting. I want to slap myself because now I realise how I’ve been so blind and ignorant, thinking Lee and I had some special connection when in reality it’s because my subconscious knew that he was a fire bender too.</p><p>“Oh, right,” Lee looks away sheepishly, making a mental note to protect his identity better because that would’ve been a close call had I not been so observant. “So I have some explaining to do.” I nod dramatically with a mhmm noise while I bind his hand. I think it’s better if I occupy myself with this so Lee doesn’t feel cornered, I want him to be relaxed because then he’s going to reveal the most and I won’t have to ask dumb questions that he forgot to say. “Well my name isn’t Lee.” That perks my interest because I was expecting some explanation about where he came from, not his whole identity. “It’s Zuko.” Lee, well I guess Zuko now, stares up at the ceiling, pleading that I’ll accept this information well so he doesn’t have to go to his uncle and ashamedly tell him that they have to move. Which they might have to. But not because of me.</p><p>“Zuko…I like it, it’s more fitting for you. And now your sister’s name makes sense too.” I smile, pretending to adjust the wrappings to fit snuggly but in reality I just wanted to hold Zuko’s hand for awhile because he looks like he needs it. “Let me guess, Mushi isn’t your uncle’s name is it?”</p><p>“Nah,” Zuko laughs, and every time I hear his voice I just want to go make some tea because the raspiness dries my throat out. “It’s Iroh.” That’s a seemingly fitting name too, it reminds me of something Maou mentioned when I was younger when the Fire Nation tried to infiltrate Ba Sing Se. I’ll ask him about it later because I can’t ask Maou and I don’t want to pressure Zuko. “He’d probably freak out if he knew I was telling you this now,” Zuko laughs, and I can’t help but admire his stare because he always gets this joyful look when he talks about his uncle which probably happens with Iroh too but I feel like they don’t always show that appreciation to each other.</p><p>“Ahh I like your uncle, I hope he doesn’t get upset with you.”</p><p>“Well, he likes you too.” I can’t help but smile at that, that one phrase probably made my night because aww Iroh likes me :). Lee props himself up on his forearms, looking down at me as I examine the rest of his exposed flesh because it looks like I took care of the major cuts but he was still limping so I don’t know where to go next. I place my hand on his side, moving up until Zuko flinches so I located the spot with the gash. I pat my hands against my thighs before leaning forward to grasp the fold of Zuko’s suit. As I pull, Lee sits up briskly and grabs my wrist because that’s the only thing he can seem to do now. “You don’t have to-“</p><p>“It’s fine Zuko,” I make an effort to say his name as much as possible so I can ingrain in my head that this is Zuko and not Lee, Lee is at the tea shop but Zuko is at my house. He visibly relaxes when I use his name, assured that I trust him and I hope he realises I’m not going to bring attention to him in that way. “Can you let go of me? Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against holding your hand but I can’t really take care of your wound if you won’t let me.” Damn, why did I randomly get possessed by some chill and suave person? That’s not me at all, aish why did I have to be so bold in that? But apparently that’s enough for Zuko to robotically lean back so I can finish my job. Damn this is getting more awkward as time passes, if it was bad for Yi to walk in and see me have ramen with Zuko, it’s worse now that his shirt’s going to be off.</p><p>I uncross the front of his top, tucking it around his back and what the hell did he do to himself? There’s a gash, not as bad as a stab wound per se but a slice or something sharp must’ve hit him because it’s bad. “You’re such a fucking idiot.” I exhale, grabbing my cloth to start with the usual of rinsing the wound with water before actually tending to it. Unlike the other cuts, this one is still bleeding not in a super heavy requires immediate professional medical attention way, but enough to make me concerned and enough to stain the couch…so I’ll make a mental note to flip over the cushions before Maou finds out. “I leave you alone for one day and you get all cut up,” I completely disregard Lee being Zuko and Zuko being a fire bender because that’s not really important right now and I just need to put some pressure on the wound for awhile before I can finish bandaging it. </p><p>“I didn’t exactly plan to get it this bad,” Zuko coughs, wincing every time my hand slightly moves because it’s very tender there. I look down to make sure that his blood isn’t seeping out the side, and that when I actually look at Zuko’s body. Damn he’s fit, I shouldn’t be surprised because of the time we carried pots to and from the shop and when he ran with me to the university but god I was not expecting him to be *sculpted* like this. He’s got to give me his workout routine, because how does a waiter at the tea shop get like this? “Truthfully, I was following a Dai Li agent because they have something I need.” That’s vague as hell, but thankfully the bleeding seems to have subsided so I can work on getting rid of the excess debris.</p><p>“As someone who’s had her fair share of run ins with the Dai Li, I don’t know what the hell you did because I’ve only gotten beat up this badly when I was ganged up on by a bunch of them.” I don’t process the fact that I just exposed that I’m some sort of a vigilante, but Zuko just admitted the same so he has no right to judge. “It wasn’t that long ago, not even a month back when it happened and I would’ve been fine except some random dude in a blue dragon mask came and messed me up.” I roll my eyes, lifting the rag tentatively to see if the dirts been cleaned out of it. It looks just fleshy and exposed now, so I reach down to grab some disinfectant so I can finish. When I look up, Zuko just stares at me wide eyed to make this situation even more uncomfortable.</p><p>“That incident didn’t happen to be at an abandoned warehouse, did it?” Zuko slowly states, trying to avoid my eyes as my head perks up with interest.</p><p>“Yeah, it did. Did I tell you about- it was you in the mask wasn’t it?” I drop my eyes to an annoyed state, holding the disinfectant against Zuko’s wound as he flinches because of the pain but now it makes even more sense because I hit that masked guy in the face and the next day Zuko had a bruise on his cheek where I attacked. That little bitch, I was so beat up after that night and it was all because he had to interfere. Well, in reality I know that I probably would’ve died or been captured if he didn’t interfere but I still want to be upset at him. “You bastard, I almost broke my hands that night because of you!” I fake a disappointed face, mostly laughing because now my suspicions on the situation were eased and Zuko looks really funny when I slapped him with a wet rag. </p><p>“Hey if you had just let me take care of the Dai Li then neither of us would’ve gotten hurt!” Zuko raises his hands in protest, trying to bat my towel away until I drop it onto his face. I can’t help myself from laughing, it’s probably because I’m trying to cope with all of the information I’m taking in and it’s a lot to handle but I’m glad I’m getting it done now because this would be worse to deal with in the morning. Zuko’s so interesting, I still don’t know a lot about him but who in their right mind could’ve predicted that tonight he’d come here of all places and expose that he’s a fire bender, he’s been using an alias in the city, and he’s a secret vigilante? It’s mind boggling to even think it step by step now, I don’t know how I’m handling this so well.</p><p>“You, my friend, are a confusing one.” I finish cleaning the exposed cuts, reaching down to grab some bandaging to keep him from spilling out onto the cushions. I lace my fingers behind Zuko’s hip, angling him more towards me so I can but the bandaging around his side without it getting tangled with the couch. I would say it’s better to do this while he’s sitting up, but I got the blood flow to stop and I don’t want to disturb that and put him through more pain. Zuko’s skin is soft as I manoeuvre my fingers on his lower back, and I think I’ve determined this as the worst time for somebody to walk in. I know I say that after everything, but it keeps progressively getting worse and I don’t really want to be one-upped on this matter. “I would’ve never taken you as the type to do all of this crazy shit behind closed doors.”</p><p>“I’d say the same for you, I would’ve never guessed that you fought the Dai Li.” Zuko muses, using his hand to stabilise the bandaging as I finish securing the loose ends. “It’s pretty cool,” I blush easily, mostly because I’m a sucker for flattery and flattery from Jin isn’t the same as getting complimented by Zuko. “Do you just punch or do you use something like a knife?” That’s oddly specific but judging by the fact that Zuko has some knife slashes on him I can assume that he wields some kind of blade and the Dai Li used it against him because the Dai Li only use earth bending or minimal hand to hand combat and even then they only do that if their chi is blocked.</p><p>“I usually just do hand to hand combat, but Maou got me this fancy knife so I started using that.” Zuko nods, sitting up as he refastens his shirt because there’s no reason keeping it open and honestly I don’t want to look at his abs any more or I’m going to act irrationally. “Let me guess, you-“ I make my pointer finger and thumb into two ‘L’ shapes, pretending to frame Zuko as I lean back to study him. Did I ever mention how defined his features are? I’m sure it’s just a Fire Nation genetic but damn he looks fine. Not that physical attraction has anything to do with mental attraction, right? I can appreciate his looks without being into him because I’m not into Zuko. “You use a sword, no, two swords. Curved blades?” I lean to the side, out of the frame I made with my fingers and offer a smile of approval.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s really on the nose, you’re good at this stuff.”</p><p>“I would agree with you on that, but I only guessed because I saw you that night. Alright where are they, I wanna see. And where’s your mask, I really like the design. It reminds me of when I used to watch Love Amongst the Dragons ahaha,” I smile, still looking at Zuko but packing away all of the excess medical supplies so I can go straight to bed after Zuko leaves. But I feel like I won’t be able to sleep, I’ve realised one of my closest friends is just like me and everything’s working out so nicely and I never want this feeling of euphoria to leave. “Oh, before I forget.” I cast a sneaky grin, flopping myself onto the lounge beside Zuko. “You have to show me your fire bending too.” I feel so excited, this is going to be so fun once I get to see Zuko’s sword…that sounded wrong. I didn’t mean it that way and I don’t want to think about it that way.</p><p>“Uhh sure, what do you want to see me do?”</p><p>“Hmm, I don’t know, something like this.” I ignite my pointer finger, letting reddening flames flow up and down the tip in a little plume because that’s one of the only things you can do with fire indoors without being dangerous. Zuko just gapes, not even trying to speak as he watches in confusion as the fire continues to blaze. “I don’t know how controlled your bending is, but don’t get too extra since we’re inside.” I flick the flame off of my finger, tossing it to the pointer on my opposite hand. It’s not a very practical trick, but it will be my party trick if I ever go to the Fire Nation where it’s okay for me to publicly bend. Just a little game of toss, letting the fire reverberate between my fingers like it’s some kind of ball. I think my Water Tribe genes help me manipulate the fire into more contained and compressed shapes, just like one would with water.</p><p>“So were you not going to tell me that you’re a fire bender?” Zuko exclaims, leaning backwards as I continue to play catch with myself. It’s humorous, seeing the shoe on the other foot because this was my exact reaction when Zuko revealed that he was a fire bender and now I can feel how satisfying it is to finally get this off of my chest because the only person I’ve told is Yi and Maou and Jin kinda knows that I have this ability but she doesn’t know that I can control it or use it. Zuko shakes his head, clasping his hands together before flicking his wrists and angling his hands towards me. “I’m so confused, I know your dad was from the Fire Nation but I thought you were just a non bender?”</p><p>“Just because I don’t advertise that I’m a fire bender doesn’t mean that I can’t do it.” I laugh, flicking the fire off of my finger towards Zuko to test if he really is a fire bender or not. He catches the fire, but it dissipates into his hand and the light is quelled because he didn’t concentrate on allowing it to retain that form. So that answers it- he’s not technically trained. Sure, Zuko is probably a powerful fire bender because he can control his body temperature but he’s not good at manipulating the flame itself, if you know what I mean. It’s almost like he’s air bending in a way, controlling the feeling or more of an internal fire but not the fire. I can’t think of the phrasing, but the concept makes more sense to a bender. “So, before you show me the rest of your costume is there anything else you want to tell me?”</p><p>I feel bad putting Zuko on the spot, but I’d rather get everything on the table now rather than making me go through these feelings again. “I mean, unless you want to hear about my family, there isn’t really anything else.” Do I want to know about his family? Yes. Not even going to deny it, I really want to know everything about Zuko now because it’s like the heavens have sent the perfect person here for me and I can’t get enough of him and I don’t know if I’ll ever be satisfied and does this sound kinda like an obsession? yes it most definitely does but I’ve been so alone and lost and confused for so long and then this man came and he’s everything I need and it’s like I’m on a high whenever I’m with him but it’s not bad because it’s always an adventure he’s always surprising me and oh my god I love him. As a friend, of course. Purely platonic love here.</p><p>The rest of the night went well, or rather, as well as someone in this situation could do. Yi was knocked out upstairs, she didn’t bother us at all when Zuko stepped outside to retrieve his mask and sword from behind a potted plant. No one seemed to notice when he and I both showed off our blades, trying to teach the other how to use the weapon without dropping it or accidentally slicing off the others hand. I broke into Yi’s alcohol cupboard, grabbing some kind of drink for Zuko and I because I didn’t want to make tea with him again and there really was nothing else besides plain water but who drinks plain water at two in the morning? Don’t freak out, we didn’t drink that much or do anything bad because it’s not like that between us.</p><p>I’m going to preface this by saying that both Zuko and I have a weird thing about physical touch. Neither of us want just anyone touching us without warrant, not like anyone does, but even things like taps on the shoulder can be irritating if we’re not prepared. But when we’re with someone we trust, it’s so much more different and it’s far from normal. I can’t speak for Zuko, but for me it definitely has to do with my childhood because I had a combination of being violated by those I disliked and not being held enough by those I needed it from. So that’s why I find myself clinging to Zuko whenever we’re alone, it’s just so comfortable and I guess I am touch-starved and I don’t think that he’s going to act irrationally or aggressively. </p><p>After our previous exchange of techniques, we both just settled down around three in the morning and chose to relax on the lounge because I don’t know what’s the best thing to do now: I’m not ready for Zuko to go home, we still aren’t done here and it’s awfully late so I don’t want him walking alone until it’s light outside. Zuko’s sitting on the couch, in a mostly relaxed manner and he uses his right arm to prop himself up on the armrest. My head’s rested on his lap and although my eyes are closed I’m not intending on falling asleep on him again. It’d be worse trying to explain that to Yi when she comes down in like five hours, but I don’t think this’ll last that long. I don’t feel like I’m in my living room, I feel like Zuko and I are in some different, unwordly place because this feels like heaven.</p><p>His hand rests against the top of my head, as if that would support me more but I don’t tell him to stop. “I’m gonna be honest, before I got to know you like this, I thought you were super boring.” I smile, folding my arms to rest across my rib cage. Zuko just does some kind of exhale in response, scoffing because he probably thought the same thing about me. His fingers interlace with my hair, and he slightly moves his hand to get more comfortable which acts as a small massage against my scalp. “But now,” I sigh, choosing to look up at him as his eyes fall to meet mine. “I know I was right.” I laugh, Zuko smacking the top of my head in retaliation to my quip. God, I love being a tease, I bet he was expecting me to say something heartfelt but here we are.</p><p>“If I’m being honest,” Zuko puts emphasis on the ‘I’ as he continues to soothe my scalp with his warm hand. I’m strangely excited to hear what he thought, I’m always fascinated by first impressions and what kind of vibe I give off. “When I first met you I thought you had a boyfriend or something and that’s why you didn’t like talking to me.” Didn’t like talking to him? Hello, are we remembering the same things? I thought Zuko didn’t want to talk to me, he seemed more stiff and standoffish but I guess I wasn’t entirely warm and welcoming when Iroh introduced us. I’ve realised that I’m a bit of an unreliable narrator while retelling some of this, so maybe I just came off as more laid back in my head than in person. But either way, I thought he would’ve known that I enjoyed being around him so now I’m starting to wonder when he realised that I wasn’t annoyed by him. </p><p>“What if I had a boyfriend?”</p><p>I look up towards him mischeviously, smiling like a dumbass because it’s early in the morning and I start to lose all sorts of sanity or composure around now. “That would make this really awkward.” Zuko responds quietly, his hand no longer moving because maybe he considered the fact that he was right for a second but I thought we already established that I’m just a tease and he shouldn’t take everything I say so seriously. I tip my head slightly backwards, as if I could see his hand and Zuko starts moving again to ease my displeasure. I shouldn’t judge Zuko too harshly for this, I thought the same thing about him after I bruised him from our encounter in the warehouse. Wait wait wait wait. Did Zuko think I had a boyfriend because I was awkward around him, or was it because he thought someone like me would already be dating someone by now? I’m not sure which, but I guess the second one is flattering.</p><p>“I never thought I’d do this with you.” I’m holding Zuko’s hand in mine now, just rubbing my thumb across the back of his hand because it’s comfortable and he’s not exactly moving away either. Conversation with Zuko is always strange but I blame that on him, he makes things awkward when they don’t need to be. </p><p>“Do you not want to?” Point proven.</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>“Oh, okay,” Zuko always gets so flustered if I show even remote interest in him, not even romantic interest but just me showing that I care about him makes him stiffen. It’s really endearing to see that he values my feelings that way but it really just makes me pity him because he must not be used to having someone show that. Besides Iroh, of course, but I guess people feel like their family has an obligation to act that way. Couldn’t be mine, that’s for sure. </p><p>“Y’know, you’re really comfortable.” I move my head slightly, adjusting to rest more evenly atop his thighs to show that I’m clearly enjoying myself so he doesn’t stop or starting acting strange. I think any conversation would do that to him, but I’d rather be talking than just watching in silence because we’ve done enough of that and now I just want to hear his hoarse voice to ease the silence.</p><p>“Um, thanks I guess.”</p><p>“You don’t have to make it weird.”</p><p>“I’m not!” Zuko’s cute when he gets angered, he inhales really quickly and his hands get all hot and his cheeks get all pink too. His grip tightens against my hair, probably unintentionally but it just came with his irate reaction so I let it slide.</p><p>“If you say so,” I reply in a singsong voice, giving him a dreamy look because it’s the only way to counteract his irritation now. </p><p>“You’re always like this.” </p><p>“Hey, you’re not complaining.”</p><p>“What do you mean I’m not complaining? Of course I wouldn’t complain, I’m not like that and you know it.” </p><p>“If you say sooo”</p><p>“Stop saying that! God you’re such a tease.”</p><p>“Aww don’t be like that, that’s just part of my charm.” </p><p>“Yeah, you wouldn’t be you if you were any different.”</p><p>“And you like that don’t you?”</p><p>“Maybe,” That’s not a yes, but that’s not a no either. If he had said yes then my broken mind would’ve interpreted it as his confessing his love to me, if he said no then I would’ve thought of it as him clearly establishing our friendship which I agree with. If he had said sure I would’ve denounced it as him feeling indifferent and probably just trying to get this conversation over with, but maybe is so different. Maybe he likes me as a friend? Maybe he dislikes it but doesn’t want to say it? Maybe he likes me as a crush? Maybe he doesn’t know how he feels? God the possibilities are stressing me out, but someday I’ll be able to find out for myself. Hopefully when I’m in this very position with Zuko, at the same hour too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did you guys have a nice day? I hope you have some good dreams tonight so one of us doesn't have to be an insomniac :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. “We’re fine, couldn’t be better”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*this chapter is like a drabble and shorter than the rest, it focuses on Jin* also TW// Alcoholism, addiction, unhealthy relationships, depression, self harm. </p><p>A note in general- from this point on, the story's going to revolve around heavier emotions and the TW listed above will be applicable for the most part, but I will still add it before each chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Appearances aren’t always as they seem, as history has shown time and time again. That isn’t to say that everything is deceiving, however no one is really open to show all of their emotions and intentions all the time. Even the happiest people battle the worst demons and you wouldn’t know unless you forced them to open up. It varies from person to person as to why they wear a mask, why they consistently lie to themselves and others because they don’t want to be a burden. Sometimes it’s the fear of disappointing someone after building such a joyous and confidant facade, other times it’s personal insecurities, and sometimes it’s the outside pressure from someone they hold close. This “close person” could be a parent, a mentor, a captor, a friend, a coworker, a boss, a significant other, it really depends on the situation. And, most of the time, no one even realises how much they’re suffering.</p><p>Love is pretty blinding, it halts even the most educated and straightforward people from acting rationally. Though there are many degrees of love, this love stems from codependence, reliance, or manipulation. Don’t get me wrong, there’s the random outliers that are passionately in genuine love with one another and trust each other and wouldn’t dream of their significant others hurting them. But, as I said, those are outliers. Most of these enamoured people just like the idea of someone or what they can get from them that by the time they realise they’ve been tricked and hurt they can’t acknowledge it or leave. It could be pride causing this, or just self doubt because someone felt so ignorant for not seeing the abuse that they felt as if they couldn’t go anywhere else. You’re probably confused as to why I’m narrating about love because I’ve never been in love, but I’m pretty perceptive and I’ve been surrounded by toxic relationships my entire life.</p><p>Because I only had one close friend for the longest time, I could just observe Jin and try to figure out what she’s thinking because despite Jin seeming like she has no impulse control and will just say her feelings outright, it’s obvious that she’s a liar. Liar, I hate that word, it has such a bad connotation with it because lies are always associated with evil and truth with good. But is the truth always good? Sure, hearing things straightforward seems nicer if you constantly look at the end and how it will benefit you later, but is the truth always helpful? Isn’t life about living in the moment? You can’t really do that if you keep saying ‘this will benefit me later’ because you never know if there will be a ‘later’. A lie can appease someone’s feelings for a time, and of course it always hurts when you find out you’ve been lied to but it shouldn’t hurt if the intentions were good, I think. I wish that I had been lied to about my parents, because then I would’ve had some sort of appeasement in my mind growing up and I wouldn’t drive myself insane over something I can’t fix. Maybe I just have this outlook because I feel like the world is wronging me and they’re the ones telling the truth, I’m protecting those I care about by lying.</p><p>But, with that philosophy in mind, lying is still pretty hurtful all the same. It makes it seem as though the liar can’t be trusted, or that the liar didn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth. I think it’s very situational, but I still look to one’s intentions whenever they act seemingly out of character. I lie to Jin about my powers to protect not only her from getting hurt by my powers, and to protect myself in case she’s every caught and reveals my abilities. I lie to Yi because I don’t want her to get concerned with all of the shit I do in my free time, and she’d probably throw me into a mental hospital if she knew. I lied to Zuko because I didn’t know him and I needed to protect myself and Maou or we’d all get killed. I lie to Maou because I’m afraid of him, he’s one of the only people that I can say that about but I always feel subordinate around him. I lie to myself all the time, as a form of coping because if I keep assuring myself that I’m okay maybe someday it’ll happen and all of my trauma and addictions won’t bother me.</p><p>I think Jin lies to me because she’s sensitive to my emotions and doesn’t want to hurt me. I really admire that about her, but I wish she’d stop giving me false hope about things and speak her mind because hiding those emotions from everyone will really mess with her mental stability. I didn’t realise this at first, even though my years of Jin lying to me should have alerted me that something was wrong but I guess I was too hung on the idea that Jin found someone perfect for her that I ignored the signs. I’m going to preface this by saying I don’t think Jet is inherently a bad person, but I do believe that he should realign his priorities before he hurts Jin more because she really, truly loves him, and he can’t say the same about her.</p><p>Jet never hit Jin. He never even raised a hand against her but abuse isn’t always hitting and cussing out. It’s ignoring someone’s reactions and having ulterior motives that cause you to manipulate that person. So it’s more of a mental game, he makes it seem as though he loves and cares for Jin (which he might still care about her) but isn’t honest in his endeavours and leads Jin on to believe in something unrequited. It’s obvious that Jin’s realised this but she’s just trying to convince herself that it’s just a personality thing with Jet and she can make him love her. She’s too dependent on him, that’s why she’s only spending time with Jet now because she feels guilty to see anyone else. Jin brushes it off with ‘I just want to leave you open for Lee’ whenever I confront her, but I think she really means ‘I’m too dependent on Jet and scared that he’d leave me if I act against him’.</p><p>It should’ve concerned Jin how quickly that Jet seemingly ‘reunited’ with her in the market after barely knowing her name. If my suspicions are correct, Jet’s a very observant and sneaky person, trying to find a way to locate ‘Lee’ and put an end to the secret fire bender (I only know of his aversion to fire benders because Jin mentioned it to me over lunch one day after I commented on how determined he is). People of the same age group tend to flock together, or to lead others to where that age group would be. Jet noticed Jin checking him out, so he probably stalked her to coincidentally meet up with her in the market. He reciprocated her interest, asking her questions that would lead him to figure out if it was worth clinging to her to find Lee. But Jin seemed well-versed in the city, she was social, and she mentioned how she goes to tea with her friend pretty frequently. And Jet remembered that Mushi liked tea, so that was a new lead for him.</p><p>And by the grace of the gods, Jet was correct in his assumptions that Jin could lead him to Lee when Lee and I walked Jin over to their first date. he was successful, he found his target, he has an excuse to find out more about him, and he knows one of Lee’s weaknesses- those he cares about. So now it’s just a matter of waiting, observing and trying to find some solid evidence to condemn the pair and turn the Dai Li against them. Seemingly easy enough, right? Well apparently not, because his plan isn’t going as smoothly as he intended. Despite stealing the keys and the deed to an apartment that has a clear view of Lee and Mushi’s house and surveying them in their vulnerable time, he hasn’t found any specific instance that he can use that’s not just his word against theirs.</p><p>I know, I know, my analysis is based off of seemingly circumstantial evidence but I’m a very creative person and I like to formulate scenarios to make my life more interesting. And, as I’ve been told, I’m pretty good with my assumptions so I’m going to trust my predictions with 90% accuracy. I must give credit where it’s due, and as much as I resent Maou, I am still grateful for his consistent stress on the importance of observance if I don’t want to die. It’s how his triad’s remained undercover for so long, it’s how I haven’t been discovered, and it’s how our fake family seemingly functions because we’re all perceptive and can change our ways to maintain our appearance. Perceptiveness, observance, predictions, god I love having this talent. It’s one of my gifts, it’s probably the universe’s way of of making up for everything it’s dealt me. But that’s enough of my rambling on the subject, I probably bored half of you away. </p><p>———————</p><p>“So, Y/N and Lee have gotten pretty close lately.” Jet muses leaning back against the headboard as he furrows his brow. Jin smiles sweetly, though it was strained, and continues to sit in front of her vanity while brushing her dark hair. She nods in response, bobbing her head enough so Jet can tell that she’s affirming his proposition without seeming rude. The two of them have spent the past week at Jin’s place rather than Jet’s, not that either of them have to worry about their parents being home but Jin keeps getting a sick feeling at the former so she came up with an excuse to stay here. Not that Jet did anything wrong, she loves him oh so much and respects him, but it doesn’t feel right to have to constantly divert Jet’s attention from the window to herself.</p><p>“Yeah, I think they’re really cute together.” Jin laughs, using two fingers to tuck her hair behind her ears before turning around to present herself to Jet. She can sense that he doesn’t always mean it, but he makes an effort to shower her with compliments before their nightly routine. Jet lifts his head up and proffers a weak smile before smacking back against the pillow. It’s not that he doesn’t admire Jin, but his plan is getting more complicated because he’s assimilating deeper into Ba Sing Se society and maybe he actually likes it and maybe he likes not having to run the Freedom Fighters and maybe he likes just having a girlfriend that he can spend his days with and maybe Lee being a fire bender isn’t that big of a deal. It’s conflicting his mind, he’s stubbornly holding onto his past grudges but he’s finding less zeal in it as his investigation continues. “Are you doing okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”</p><p>“I don’t know, you just seem a little down.” In actuality, Jin wanted to comment that he seemed unusually irritate but nothing good came from saying that out loud. It would take an idiot to not realise that Jet’s struggling, his relaxed mask is slipping and he’s been snapping more when it’s completely unwarranted. It’s confusing to Jin, because Jet only really interacts with her and she hasn’t changed so it has to be some sort of internal conflict but she’s never seen Jet really mad so she doesn’t want to test him. She climbs onto her bed beside Jet, snuggling against his bent forearm with an expression of worry. I mean, they’ve done something intimate every night except for the one where Jet was ‘busy’ and it’s been nearly a month and it’s become such a routine that Jin thinks it’s a given to try to make Jet feel better in that way. Except what if he doesn’t want to have sex tonight? Should she just go down on him? She doesn’t know how to comfort Jet because he’s never given her a reason to worry before.</p><p>Swallowing her pride, Jin decides that it’s better to at least do something for him in moderation, a little physical gesture of affection because physical touch is her love language and she doesn’t know any other way to confidently show her love. Jin cranes her neck upwards, planting soft kisses against Jet’s cheek and jawline but he leans away. “I don’t want to do that tonight.” Jet gruffly responds, turning away as Jin hopelessly watches from behind. What the hell does she do now? Does she get up? But it’s her house, where the hell would she go? Does she try to kiss him again? No, Jet said he didn’t want to. Jin rests her head against his arm again, playing with the edge of her nightshirt as she tries to formulate what to say next.</p><p>“Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?” Jin whispers, burying her head further against Jet as he moves his head to stare back at the ceiling. Jin’s rarely this emotional, only to me, but Jet’s brought that out in her and even though he didn’t say much it’s enough to dishearten her and bring out this sadness. “I can help you, I just don’t understand-“<br/>“It’s not your problem, and I don’t need your help.” Jet snaps, leaving Jin to cower lower in her position. Jet’s never like this, he doesn’t get frustrated and he doesn’t raise his voice at her. Why is he just now choosing to act so aggressively? If Jin’s learned anything, it’s these vulnerable times that someone needs to open up about their feelings rather than repress them. But no one ever listens to logic when their mind is crowded with negative thoughts, they’re too busy fighting themselves to try to help or accept help. It’s irritating, how stubborn people can be to others though it isn’t their fault for suffering but it sucks they can’t open themselves to others. Jin can’t even bring herself to hold onto Jet, to comfort him or assure him because he clearly wants to be alone even though that isn’t an option at the moment.</p><p>“Is this about Lee?” Jin mumbles, furiously trying to figure out why Jet shut himself off from her, and why her insecurities are going crazy. I mean, all he did was mention Lee and now he’s in some kind of mood. Is it because of Lee? She knows that Jet’s never liked him and had some crazy conspiracy that he was a fire bender but she knows the only fire bender in Ba Sing Se and Jin’s under the impression that the fire bender doesn’t even use her bending so there was no point in telling Jet about that. Is this…jealousy? Jin’s never been jealous about her friends because she loves them but maybe Jet is sensitive because he actually liked her best friend and now she’s unofficially exclusive with Lee maybe that irritated him. Jin can’t even process these emotions, she’s just so confused and hurt and her only other close friend that she could open up to about these issues has never been in a healthy relationship so how would she know?</p><p>“No, can we just stop talking about him?” Damn, Jet’s acting like that’s all Jin’s been going on about but it’s really not the case. Though he said ‘we’ they both know that he meant ‘you’. God, guys are confusing, they’re so emotional and their masculinity prevents them from humbling themselves for a goddamn minute to admit why they’re upset. Jin rarely gets this emotional over guys, I mean of course she’s always hurt after they use her but Jet was really different and she felt a stronger connection to him and didn’t have to pretend to be someone she’s not for him to like her and now he’s starting to act the same as all of the others. Gradually isolating her, ignoring her, and ultimately leaving her. Every damn time. If they even make it that far to begin with. And Jin usually claimed that she loved the guys but that was to just convince herself that this is how a normal relationship works.</p><p>Jin’s not a stranger to physical abuse, there’s been an alarming handful of guys that have dated Jin that hit her or hurt her without a founded apology. Jet wasn’t like that, he wasn’t at all which is what saddens Jin the most because she realised what true love is and how to be genuinely happy without falling to an addiction and now he’s starting the same pattern as before. It’s not like Jin should’ve expected differently, all guys are the same and anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something. She doesn’t think Jet would go that far, but she definitely thinks he’s been dishonest and it’s probably better that he leaves her now because he’s not being honest and will hurt her more in the future. God, I hate talking about the future but I know Jin’s going to last a lot longer than me so she’s the exception.</p><p>“I’m only asking because I care about you.” Jin whispers as Jet finally decides to stop acting like a corpse and pulls the covers over them to signal that he’s really ready to just sleep this off and not engage in any other conversations. Jin takes this as an opportunity to snuggle up to Jet, moving to rest her head on his chest. Even if he is pissed and upset with her, Jet moves his hand to her hair nonetheless, automatically stroking it as Jin closes her eyes because she’s tired and doesn’t want to start crying over something so trivial. But apparently it’s not so trivial because it’s been a cumulation of Jet acting more defensively lately and it’s really starting to concern her more. “You’ve been different lately, you can deny it all you want but I know you and I know you’re different.”</p><p>“That’s not true.” Jet mutters firmly and Jin can’t argue with him any longer because he’s being stubborn. Not true. That damn word, true and truth, it’s all subjective and it’s always going to hurt someone so what’s the point of telling the truth if you could just lie to get the same reaction. The wage is the same either way, so there’s no point trying to justify it by being ‘true’ or ‘right’. There’s really nothing more Jin can say to him now, Jet’s in a mood to just shut her down and denounce whatever she has to say. “Maybe you’re just looking at me differently,” Jin clings to his nightshirt tighter, “maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”</p><p>Sadness pools inside Jin’s body at his words, Jet probably doesn’t know how much it upset her but it really did. ‘Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do’. Surely Jet doesn’t mean that, they’ve told each other almost everything in the month that they’ve known each other, and they frequently pride themselves of the fact that they know the other than they know themselves. They always show off by finishing each others sentences or perfectly predicting what to do to cheer the other up. It’s no joke, most of the time they’re able to know what the other’s thinking and vice versa, it’s crazy how quickly they connected even if it stemmed from a lie. Not anymore though, Jin hasn’t been able to tell what Jet’s thinking for the past two nights. He’s so…blank. He seems so distant, as if their month of closeness didn’t even happen.</p><p>And when Jin can’t think of anything to say in response to his words, nothing to show him how she was hurt or how to hurt him back, she mutters a quick good night and ‘I love you’ but get’s no response. Jet’s already asleep. Maybe it’s time for her to give up on trying to figure out what’s wrong with him, maybe they really are drifting apart and Jet’s outgrown her and he’s wanting to do things alone. I’m not entirely sure how or when Jin managed to fall asleep, seeing as her emotions seem pretty overwhelming, but she did so to the sound of her boyfriend’s breathing and a heavy heart as she wondered if things would ever be the same again. She has hope that they will, and some hope is better than nothing, I suppose.</p><p>——————</p><p>I’m an idiot. I should’ve asked why Jin was feeling down today, why she came over just like she used to after weeks of being attached at the hip to Jet. I should’ve forced her to tell me why even if she didn’t want to but I don’t like having Jin feel like she can’t talk to me about this. I should’ve held her tight and told her to not go back to Jet for awhile, but I’m a dumbass and I didn’t notice until it was too late. This realisation came to me after Jin left my house, and I slapped myself on the forehead with irritation. A good friend should know that her friend isn’t doing well but I didn’t do anything because I was too busy thinking about myself. I guess I should explain the situation more, this sounds kinda vague. Jin came over in the morning, way earlier than she’s usually awake which meant that she woke me up too.</p><p>I don’t usually wake up that late in the morning, but I had a really late night with Zuko after days of really late nights so I was hoping to get some more sleep. After about two hours of it, I’m violently awoken to Jin smacking me with a pillow repeatedly to jolt me from my nap. I would’ve called it sleep, but two hours falls more under the jurisdiction of a nap rather than rest. I didn’t expect to stay up that late with Zuko, but I didn’t have any plans today so I didn’t get any concern when I realised we’d been sitting in my living room long enough for the sun’s rays to poor though the front of the shop. Get your mind out of the gutter, we didn’t do anything weird. But Jin snapped me back to the reality of her being the person to wake me up in the morning.</p><p>Jin doesn’t smell like Jet this morning, she doesn’t really act like her new self either but I’m running off of an emotional high and less sleep then a baby naps for so I’m cutting myself some slack. “What the hell are you doing here, it’s like seven in the morning,” I groan, pressing the heel of my hands against my eyes to hide myself from the sun. “I just barely got to sleep, come back in three hours.” I rolled onto my stomach, burrowing my head into my pillow and ignoring Jin as she pawed against my back like a cat that’s trying to get comfortable. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that and maybe some part of my rational brain sensed that Jin needed a distraction so I forced myself to sit up and accept the fact that I’m not going back to sleep any time soon.</p><p>“I just haven’t talked to you in awhile, we’ve been so caught up with our boyfriends that we haven’t had a girls day in forever.” Jin gushed, flopping onto my bed beside me and because she was talking so quickly it didn’t even faze me that she called Zuko my boyfriend, which is so out of the question not to mention that it’d draw unwanted attention to us. I don’t like Zuko, I never have and even if I did I’d never admit it. But this wasn’t about me, it’s about Jin so I had to stop daydreaming about Zuko and focus. “You didn’t go out last night, did you? I mean, why else would you be so tired.” Jin already knew my answer but she just wanted to make me admit it even if that meant cornering me at a mentally vulnerable time.</p><p>“Oh yeah,” I yawned loudly, rolling over for the fifteenth time in the past five minutes to prop myself up on my forearms and my stomach. Though I wasn’t fully aware of my situation, I somehow remembered my promise to Zuko to keep calling him Lee in public. “Lee came over last night so I made him some ramen and we just talked for the rest of the night.” I somehow managed to spit that out amidst my grogginess and miraculously remembered to forgo all of the details regarding Lee’s real identity. Maybe Zuko hypnotised me the night before so I wouldn’t reveal anything, that’d be pretty cool. I hope he didn’t hypnotise me into doing forgetting something else important, he doesn’t seem like the type but with hypnosis on the table, you never know. I finally opened my eyes after keeping them squinted before and I was met with Jin doing some mix of a gape and a smile.</p><p>“You made Lee ramen?!” She exclaimed that last part, sitting upwards and covering her mouth with both hands. I blinked unwaveringly at her, raising my eyebrows in confusion because yeah I said I made him ramen so what’s the big deal? Ramen’s easy to make and it’s a totally normal thing to eat. “You do know what that means, right?” Jin practically squealed, her excitement nearing the brim as she started rocking from side to side with anticipation for the reveal. “When a girl makes a guy ramen, it’s because she likes him.” Jin patted me on the head, her eyes glossing over as she stared off into the distance with some sort of dreamy look that shouldn’t even excite her that much because I was the one to make Zuko ramen, not her.</p><p>Wait…what did she say? That’s not a thing, Jin’s had to be making that up, except then I realised that the ramen superstition is totally a thing in Ba Sing Se and that’s why ramen dates are so romanticised here. I guess that sounds kinda strange to people who are foreign, but oh my god Zuko’s foreign so what if it’s not that strange and what if he knew? God I feel like an idiot, there’s nothing going on between Zuko and I and I just made an unintentional move and I want to cry now because I could’ve just fucked up our friendship. “What? No, no it’s not like that at all, I already had the ramen out before, I swear it’s not-“ And we went back and forth for awhile, Jin tried to justify my new relationship with Zuko and I relayed to her the same thing I’ve been saying for weeks- there’s nothing going on between him and I.</p><p>I made the dumb mistake of asking about Jet, and even Jin couldn’t hide her feelings from me. She still smiled like an idiot, though her eyes were distant and refused to make contact with mine. “We’re fine, couldn’t be better.” What a liar, I mean, she really said that as if the next thing that came out of her mouth didn’t totally contradict that statement. “So Chee’s having this party tomorrow night, you wanna go? I know you don’t know him super well but it’s gonna be fun and he’s stocked up.” I didn’t know how Jin exactly had time to get invited to this party, I mean, Chee is one of her rich friends but I just assumed it would be awkward to invite someone to a party and not invite her boyfriend too. Jin didn’t exactly say that Jet wasn’t invited, but she would’ve mentioned him or him and Zuko coming with us but she didn’t.</p><p>I’m not really the super social person, that is to say I don’t particularly enjoy parties but I do enjoy the low supervision and the alcohol doesn’t exactly keep me away either. I wouldn’t call myself an addict in any way, but growing up with guardians that were far from normal didn’t really teach me right and wrong or that underage drinking isn’t okay. They never condoned me drinking in the house, but whenever I go to a party with Jin I like to get as fucked up as possible to just be numb for awhile. Well, that’s how I feel now. When I first started drinking, so probably around fourteen, I resulted to other means to feel free from the world. I felt numb for so long, so empty and desolate that I turned to hurting myself and it didn’t matter how much it stung when I’d burn myself, it just meant I was feeling something. But then I started to feel more and more, and I started drinking heavier just so I could feel numb and float away from my life.</p><p>That sounds really dark, and I won’t undermine it and say that this isn’t an issue because it definitely is. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hide a bottle or two under my bed after I got back from the interview, and I’d be lying if I said that Zuko and I didn’t have anything either. He’s not really a drinker, I’ve learned, and I think he still finds it bitter but I he conceded in humouring me with one glass just so I wouldn’t tease him. I didn’t pressure him into it, but I just don’t think he and I are going to drink more because it’s not his thing. Which I respect, so I won’t do that around him any more. I remember coming home one night after a party, wreaking of alcohol because I was a dumb kid and neither Yi or Maou said anything. They could tell, and it was evident the next day with my splitting headache and drowsiness, but neither of them really did anything or lectured me. Not like anyone exactly wants to be lectured or anything, but I kinda wanted my parents to at least enforce something because I have no self restraint.</p><p>Anyways, enough about my mental issues, Jin’s still inviting me to be her date to the party. I don’t care much for Chee, mostly because it was his friend that touched me after our date even though I told him not to, and I doubt that I’m the only person that asshole did it to and Chee’s fine with it. But I’m not planning on seeing Chee, I’m not planning on interacting with anyone else besides my vice. I know it sounds kinda weird that I’m hurt by Yang and not by Chee’s friend, but at least I said no in the latter situation and it wasn’t for as long or as violating as Yang’s was. I’m not as mad at Yang as I am with myself for letting it happen, I still beat myself up over it even though that was in the past. I never explicitly told Jin about it, but I think she’s picked up on the vibe after talking to Zuko about it.</p><p>“It’s tomorrow night, the usual place.” Jin goes on, playing with my hair to distract herself from the reason she’ll be drinking then. “You can bring Lee if you want, we can introduce him to other people in the area.” I stop myself from hitting Jin right then and there just for saying that. No! I do NOT want to take Zuko to this party! It’s a fucked up place where young people throw away their morals and try to fight their issues with a bottle or some drugs and the only reason we keep going is because of that high. I don’t want Zuko anywhere near this, I don’t want him to see me like that or get sucked into the same bad habits as me. And, maybe a small part of me doesn’t want him to meet the other girls of the city that are a lot prettier and overt than me and maybe a part of me wants to keep Zuko as my little secret and to myself and maybe a part of me is even scared to have him around Jin sometimes because of this.</p><p>God, why is it only Zuko that can do this to me?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I just finished banana fish and I am *not okay* T.T</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. “I didn’t think I’d see you here.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Valentine's Day baddies! Kisses for all of you ahaha</p><p>TW// Alcoholism, drug use, mentions of sexual assault</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I need to accept that there’s definitely something going on between Zuko and I. I won’t label it, but there’s something there and it’s definitely more than a simple platonic relationship. I mean, isn’t everyone in denial of these kinds of things? It’s not like I’m trying to push it one way or the other, but I just feel like we’re stuck in some sort of limbo now. I don’t like Zuko romantically and he doesn’t like me that way either, but if I saw him flirting with another girl I’d be upset. I refused to even consider this possibility until the aftermath of this night, back when I was sober and thinking straight but the damage had already been done. Well, I wouldn’t say damage per se but…well enough of my rambling, let me just tell you how the party went.</p><p>Jin always spends two hours getting ready for a party, no matter how run down it’ll be or if she even plans to be out in the open, if you know what I mean. Nonetheless, the two of us were sitting on the floor in her room because Jin has a large mirror on one of her walls and when you’re sitting you can get your face really close. I don’t do super heavy makeup for these things, but I don’t usually wear much anyways so it feels like a lot to me. I pull my favourite knife from my bag, holding the flat side against the side of my eye to get a perfectly straight wing for my eyeliner. It’s impractical, really, but it feels badass and it works so why the fuck not? Jin’s adding some shimmer to her inner corners, really accentuating her already round and defined eyes. “We’re gonna get so fucked up at Chee’s.” Jin laughs, resting her fingers against her cheeks and cheekbones while rotating her head from side to side.</p><p>“Hell yeah,” I laugh, lowering my knife and pulling at the skin near my temples to examine my eyeliner. Perfection. Honestly, if this assassin/ vigilante thing doesn’t work out for me I should really go into some sort of cosmetology profession. I mean, everyone who goes out needs to be good at some sort of makeup for their disguise. Makes me wonder if Zuko is good at this kinda thing…maybe I’ll show him how to someday but I’d have to be careful around his burned skin because that area’s definitely sensitive. I’ve never had a burn scar to the extent of his, but my hands aren’t healing anytime soon and they’re still sensitive as hell. If only I had just made the tea myself, it wouldn’t have tasted as good but I didn’t even get to try the tea because it burned the front side of my body.</p><p>“Did you end up asking Lee out?” Jin asks, brushing her hair before styling it into her usual high ponytail. I falter in my makeup application, because he’s still a sensitive topic to me and I don’t know how to really answer that. Did I ask Zuko if he wanted to go with me? No, of course not. In fact, I haven’t spoken to him since our fiasco that night and I was going to today but Jin was insistent of clinging to me like a piece of string that won’t come off your clothes no matter how hard you try. Do I really want Zuko to be there? Nah, well yes, actually no, well, I guess it’s complicated. Of course I want to hang out with Zuko and spend time with him and he could’ve been my date which would’ve been fun but I’m not really looking to be social tonight and I just know that something bad’s going to happen if Zuko meets tipsy me.</p><p>“Nah, parties aren’t really his vibe.” Good. A vague response, Jin shouldn’t question that and I technically told her the truth, Zuko doesn’t look like the type to enjoy these kinds of things. I never said that I didn’t ask him, so no harm done there. Jin starts rambling about something else about the party and I can’t focus on her because I’m starting to worry about not asking him. What if he finds out and gets offended? What if he shows up at my house while I’m out looking for me? What if he’s on a date with another girl right now because he just sees me as an ally? What if…oh, fuck it, there’s no use stressing myself over this. </p><p>It reminds me of something one of the Triad’s members said regarding death when I had a panic attack before one of my missions. I can’t remember his real name, but they called him Twice because of his attacking style. He was really sweet to me, he probably had a kid somewhere or grew up with a younger sibling and was sympathetic to my apprehension, though he didn’t try to convince me to just not go out and attack people. I was shaking in the corner of the hideout, my head buried in my knees and he just crouched down beside me and watched through his mask. ‘Look kid, you never know how you’re going to go out so why worry about it?’ It was lame advice, seeing as it was that very mission that he was brutally impaled by some aggressive Dai Li, but I never forgot it. I put my life on the line just by existing here, so I really should stop stressing out about what could happen and just live in the moment.</p><p>With that in mind, I just try to shrug off my apprehensive feelings about Zuko. I’m still conflicted about what we are, or what we’ll be, but tonight’s just about me and Jin so I can’t be troubled with thoughts about him. We leave Jin’s house soon after, which is significantly closer to Chee’s than mine. The sun set nearly two hours ago, so it’s pretty dark and thankfully it’s a clear-ish night so the moon can act as some sort of guide. As much as I’m indifferent (bordering on disliking) to Chee, I’m always amazed by his house. I have a little thing for unique and intricate architecture, I suppose, I can’t really explain why but I always get so excited whenever I seem a house that’s aesthetically pleasing. One of the Triad leaders, Huang, has an estate that follows a similar style to Chee’s and I always get happy when we go to Huang’s for a fancy dinner. It’s been awhile since we’ve gone to one, I hope he hosts one soon.</p><p>I think Maou would own a lavish estate like this except he doesn’t spend much time at our house and he’s had too many close calls to want to draw more attention to himself. Though Maou is the main leader of the Triad, he’s often overshadowed by Huang. Huang fits the bill as the lead of a mafia, he lives an extravagant lifestyle with strange means of getting money but he’s so meticulous in his work that the Dai Li can never officially pin him to his crimes. I assume that they’ve tried to just kidnap him and force him to confess, but Huang’s guards outnumber the Dai Li in size and strength so it wouldn’t do them any good. Maou’s definitely the more careful one, lurking in the shadows and pulling the strings of these operations without any attention on him. I hate to admit it, but I admire him for being so calculating that he could utilise Huang’s ego to make him feel like he could act like he’s in charge, so if the Triad gets exposed, he’ll be the one to take the fall.</p><p>I take a deep breath, hopefully it will be enough to help me get through the first five minutes of forced social interaction. I stare up at the grandeur of Chee’s house, it’s so pristine and orderly and despite the somewhat trashy party decorations that cover the main entrance, it still looks refined. Chee’s parents are some wealthy merchants that probably do illegal trading as well but (this is only an assumption, don’t quote me on this) they probably give the Earth King or Long Feng a cut of the money so they get away with it. I’d say Maou would do the same but I don’t think he trusts Long Feng enough to reveal that much with him. Jin has my arm in a tight grasp, dragging me along with her as if I’m going to turn around and go home if she lets go. I bet she’s really doing it in case she runs into you know who and needs some albeit silent support.</p><p>The party is worse than I expected, which is saying something because I have a generally pessimistic view on life. I expected for Jin and I to slip in unnoticed, where I could float over towards the cellar and pull out a bottle that I could nurse in some secluded corner. Except we’re just outside the door when Jet, of all people, angrily storms up to us and steps between me and Jin. “I didn’t think I’d see you here.” He doesn’t yell, but it clearly captures the attention of others because some random rich kids start staring at our trio so I just have to awkwardly stare at Jet’s back because I don’t want to walk away. “You told me you wanted to spend the weekend with Y/N, so why the hell are you two at a party?” I feel like Jet’s yelling at me now, but then I realise why he’s so irate. He reeks, and I mean reeks of alcohol. It’s not cheap either, which is a plus for me. </p><p>“I’d ask you the same thing.” Jin frowns, slapping Jet’s accusatory finger away from her and pulling him by his front collar. “You have no right to tell me what to do if you’re just going to speak in riddles to me.” She looks upset, I mean, really upset and I want to give them their privacy but I can’t feel my legs moving and I’m just standing like some misplaced mannequin. Jin does have a point, she never has to tell Jet where she is or what she’s doing because he doesn’t own her, but I guess he has a right to be upset to see her at a party with a bunch of horny guys. But then I’d ask why he’s even here, he doesn’t know many people aside from Jin. It’s just a strange situation, it’s almost like he was hiding something from her which I don’t doubt but I don’t think the party has to do with his secrets. “It’s like you only care about me when it’s convenient for you.”</p><p>“Hey, I care about you!”</p><p>“Oh really? You have a really awful way of showing it.”</p><p>“Jin, don’t say that.” I refrained from looking at the pair before, and now I don’t have to worry because the two of them are backing away into some corner in the main room, and because I’m an awkward fuck I distantly follow them as to not draw attention to myself for waiting outside. Jin looks like she’s about to cry, she’s pouting and refusing to meet Jet’s eyes as he forces her against the wall and traps her head in place by resting his palms beside her. I expect some violent encounter, so I still watch from the corner of my eye so I can rush to pin Jet down if he even thinks about raising a hand against Jin. Which he does, but it’s to grasp the bottom of her chin and angle her towards him. “Hey, look at me,” he states the obvious, Jin now unable to separate her eyes from him in some sort of staring contest. “I love you.” </p><p>I quickly avert my eyes from them because apparently that’s all Jin needed as an apology and the next thing I know, their little argument dissipates into some sort of make up. I mean, whatever works for you works for you, but now people start to look away and carry on with normal irresponsible teen things and I choose to follow them because Jet’s no longer holding the wall and god, I don’t want to see that shit again. No hate to the couples that choose to do this, but I can’t understand how you can have such an emotional encounter after an argument and just make things right by having sex. It’s probably because I think about everything too much so I couldn’t just pretend that nothing happened, but Jin’s a master at ignoring problems so I guess this physical solution suits her well.</p><p>I run a quick hand through my hair, slinking through the open doors to find my prize. Perfect, Chee irresponsibly just propped the door open so I can sneak in and sneak out quickly. Normally they’re awkwardly stacked up together so you have to push through a crowd of weird drunks to get one and then people give you judging stares when you walk out. Like damn, should I grab two glasses to make them feel better and just portion myself that way? I don’t have time for that, and I want to save dishwashing later so I’ll stick with just the bottle. Purely to save time and soap, no other reason. My path is clear, I can easily walk there and walk out without disturbing anyone and if I time this correctly, no one will be looking in that direction if I move quickly.</p><p>I rock from side to side with the music, slowly edging myself closer while blending in so it doesn’t look like I have some demanding urge to sprint there and pull out the entire stock. Closer, closer, I’m only a few strides away now and if I’m quick I can match the music with my departure so I don’t draw attention to myself. Well, that would’ve been the plan if I hadn’t gotten jumped on from the back. “Y/N, long time no see!” Ida doesn’t really jump on me, but his hand on my shoulder startles me because how was I supposed to predict that he of all people would show up and do something like this. I reluctantly turn around, met closely with Ida who takes his usual routine of getting uncomfortably close.</p><p>Ida and I have some sort of a history, if you can even call it that. I met him when the ‘elite’ teens of the city invited Jin and I to have some kind of beach party down by Lake Laogai, so it was probably around two years ago. Ida, being the extrovert he is, took the liberty of choosing me as his project for the night and spent the whole time trying to flirt and be polite which I normally would appreciate but I made it clear pretty early on that I’m not into the one night flings. Damn I was wrong, at least now I can safely say I don’t do that kind of thing anymore. Anyways, I was feeling really down on myself and I was lowkey jealous of Jin for always getting the boys’ attention and I kinda wanted something for myself. So I conceded and made out with Ida behind the beach house after lying that I had done stuff before (technically, I was forced to do some of that with Scar but I refuse to acknowledge that that accounts to my experience and I’d rather pretend that it didn’t happen).</p><p>Although Ida was my first kiss, he wasn’t my first love or my first crush or first boyfriend or anything like that. I would say he was my first friends with benefits, my only friends with benefits, except I would’ve never considered him as my friend because he always did all of the talking. He barely knew me but I was insecure and still traumatised by Scar so I just went along with what he wanted for about two months, give or take a week. I stopped seeing him after the incident with Chee’s friend on the date, which was a good enough excuse for me to not want to associate with those guys for awhile. I don’t think he really cared that we stopped, I didn’t either, but I’m surprised he even remembered me because I’d like to think I look very different from when I was fourteen. But here he is, approaching me at a party and making my night even worse. I haven’t even had something to drink yet.</p><p>“Uh yeah, I guess it’s been a few years.” I gently rub my left elbow with my right hand, making some sort of geometrical shape across the front of my body. Ida’s smiling like an idiot, he clearly wants to butter me up like before and I may not be much more mentally stable, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to be the same way that I was before or that girl at the party. I don’t want to suck Ida’s dick, I don’t want to kiss him, I don’t want to hug him, if it was under my control I wouldn’t have even wanted to see or hear his dumb voice tonight. But apparently fate has plans for me so I’m forced to endure this torture for longer. Ida finally stops squinting with his smile and takes a moment to look me up and down before giving some sly smirk. Basic, Jin and I do the same thing to each other in a joking way. I mean, if he’s going to be creepy, he might as well be creative with it.</p><p>“Damn Y/N,” Ida’s taking a step closer to me and I instinctively shift my left foot back, slightly bending my knees so I can get into a fighting stance if he tries to get any more friendly. “I thought you were pretty back then, but you’re fucking hot now.” He laughs in a fuckboy way, leaning forward to get closer to my face so I raise my hand slightly. Normally I’d want to attack before he’d even get this close but I’m not really looking to start a fight after being associated with Jet and Jin’s introduction, so I just lean back further to prepare myself for some sort of advance. Ida always acted consensually, but he was more of a peer pressure kind of guy than one who’d directly force himself onto you. “Can I, uh, get you a drink?”</p><p>Y’know what I almost said yes to that. Not because of Ida, but then I could use that as an excuse to just get wasted but at the same time I get really vulnerable there and now that I know that Ida has his eye on me, I can’t let my guard down so recklessly. God, I was trying to have a good night but now it’s just getting worse, it’d probably be better to leave now and just break into Yi’s wine cabinet at home but I got all dressed up for this and I can’t just leave Jin in case something bad happens with Jet. “Umm I’m fine, I’m not really up to drinking tonight.” God I’m such a liar, I hate it and I love it. Hopefully that gets Ida to go peruse around and find some girl that’s actually willing to do him tonight because that’s clearly not me.</p><p>“You didn’t come to drink?” Ida sounds like he’s already been drinking, he has a generally composed presence but he drawls his words a little more and his breath is making me jealous because I wanted to be the one drunk. I hadn’t realised how close I was to a table of refreshments until I took yet another step in subtle retreat and my hand grasps the rim. Ida’s trying to give a sultry look as he gets closer, practically towering over me so I raise my hand a bit higher this time, Ida snatching it and pinning it back to the table. “So you came for something else,” he laughs, leaning forward with awkwardly pursed lips and I use my free hand to slap him sharply and knock him back. As Ida staggers to a straightened position, I force myself up and take a step away from him again. “What the fuck was that for?” He whines, getting up to touch me again but I smack him with the back of my hand in a sharp jerk.</p><p>“If I’m being honest, I want to forget that I even met you.” I carefully rub the palm of my hand with my other, trying to soothe the sting that radiates from my attack. Ida rubs the side of his face, carefully standing up after his collapse to his knees. I could do this all night if I had to but hopefully Ida can use even a fraction of his brain to get a clue that I’m not into this or him and I will hit him again. Ida practically growls, irritated that I’m not the same weak little girl that was too desperate to be disliked so she put herself in uncomfortable situations. Damn, I’m so glad I outgrew that phase it was not cute. </p><p>“Fucking bitch.” Ida snaps, his eyes shooting daggers towards me and damn he can get really intimidating when he’s not acting like his jovial self. But, I’m still not very intimidated and I can still take him down easily because that’s what I do best. Might as well keep other people from dealing with his advances too. “You have no fucking self respect you whore. Showing up here dressed like a slut as if you’re all that.” That’s clearly an exaggeration, I’m not that exposed but it still kinda hurts whenever people yell at you. I just keep a monotonous face, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing his words get to me. “I hope you get fucking ra-“ I punch Ida in the face, knocking him backwards and his hands fly to his nose because I probably broke it. It’s what he deserves, if I say I don’t want to do anything with you or accept your advances then back the fuck away from me.</p><p>“Don’t talk to me again unless you want your arm to be broken next.” There was a lot more that I wanted to say to Ida, how much I wanted to get fucking mad at him for taking advantage of me and seeing as he’s two years older he clearly didn’t care that he was grooming me. God, I hate how there’s so many assholes out there that just see no issue with acting so grotesquely to people, like you have a right hand, just use that instead of picking up a literal child on the street and sweet talking them. That’s how the city goes, I guess. Ba Sing Se is so isolated and its issues are all contained in one spot and people clearly have no idea about the rest of the world. It’s a city of just walls and secrets, and despite the harsh regime there’s a lot of leeway with morally wrong things. Some day the Earth King needs to be brought aware of the crime that’s going on and do something about that.</p><p>I’m not saying that what the Triad is doing is right, but they’re not engaging in human trafficking or anything that directly messes with people in that way. The most they go for is the Dai Li, but they’re corrupt and they kill them quickly so I feel better about that. It’s a really difficult situation to understand and I know my morals aren’t great but I’ve gone through enough to find my ground on this situation. That shit emotionally scars you, messes with you and no matter how much I try to forget I still have a small fear that someday I’m going to be in bed and Scar’s going to come in and attack me, or that Ida and his friends are going to kidnap me, or that someone like Yang will blackmail me into doing something. I think I’ve established enough of a reputation to protect me, but it still lingers in my mind.</p><p>I freeze in my position, my right hand curled into a fist and my left supporting my wrist because my hand hurts like a bitch. Ida flips me off with a bloodied hand, I didn’t hit him that hard but he must just have a sensitive nose because it’s bleeding enough to stain the front of his tunic. He scrambles off towards the bathroom to clean himself up and I’m surprised we didn’t draw that much of a crowd. When Jet and Jin had their two-minute argument it was like everyone was staring at them, but no one seemed to care that I punched Ida for trying to come onto me. Serves him right, he doesn’t deserve the attention and I don’t want it either anyways. It’s gonna be harder to find some seclusion now because people have noticed I’m here, the party’s larger than I initially planned, and they only other alternative would be to go upstairs but you never go upstairs during a party.</p><p>I glance around the room, looking to find some safe haven or find someone to talk to so I’m not vulnerable to Ida returning. It’s mostly just crowds of people carrying drinks, laughing, playing lame games, and making out from intoxication. Lovely, just lovely. Don’t you just love it when couples show somewhat inappropriate pda? I normally wouldn’t mind but it just gives me this sick feeling because I don’t know what’s going through people’s heads and I don’t know if they’re being coerced into that situation. It looks just as a regular party would, nothing too interesting or new and then I see it. And then there’s him. God, why him, why now, why here, I have so many why’s but I can’t stop myself from staring at him because I have nowhere else to look and my heart beats a bit faster but not in a panicked way and what the hell is this emotion?</p><p>Zuko’s here. I should’ve expected for him to come, though I’m not sure who would have invited him. But that’s not important, what’s more important is the I can’t stop staring at him and I probably look like an idiot but I’m frozen in my stance. He’s holding a cup in his hands in a relaxed manner, and he’s standing perpendicular to the wall. And then my eyes shift towards who he’s talking to. Mina. How would one describe Mina? Well, she’s one of Jin’s rich friends that usually comes to parties but I can’t see how Jin can stand her. She has this captivating aura, it probably has to do with her figure and she always gets guys to practically get on their hands and knees for her. But that’s just Mina with guys, with girls, she’s much more unbearable. Always acting rudely or purposely making you look bad in front of other people. She bothers me, but I’m not one of her good friends so her attitude doesn’t concern me.</p><p>She’s laughing with Zuko, clearly trying to find her next target by putting all of his attention on her. He doesn’t seem enthralled or encapsulated by her advances, but then again Zuko doesn’t show much emotion to begin with so I can’t expect more of him. Now Mina’s grabbing his arm while she’s laughing more, trying to bring him closer to her and Zuko’s not making any effort to distance himself. I feel my hand clench around my thumb, a nervous habit I developed when I was younger. Why do I feel like this? I’m not doing it intentionally, I’m not trying to feel this way, I don’t even know what ‘this way’ is but it’s not normal and I don’t like it. As if my confused feelings were some aura, Zuko looks over and notices me standing across the room. Fuck, no, I turn around and start walking off because I don’t want it to seem like I was waiting for him to do so.</p><p>Zuko says something briskly to Mina before walking away, leaving her looking a mixture of disappointment and frustration. He strides towards my previous position, coming to meet me so I carefully slow my pace so it’s not an awkward tailing. “Hey-“ Zuko calls out, and I stop my escape, slowly pivoting to face him and damn when did he get this close? I don’t know what to say, I’m just so confused and concerned and hurt and betrayed and glad and I don’t know why I feel this way about my friend. My best friend, even, he’s felt like more of that than Jin has lately. It’s not Jin’s fault, we’re just a different places in our lives now so it’s bound to be different for the both of us.</p><p>“Hey.” I respond, looking down from Zuko before turning my body towards the direction I was going before he stopped me. I was going to invite him to join me outside but my mind is blocked by the thought of questioning him and I can’t restrain myself from blurting out an accusation. “Why are you even here? It’s not like you’re into this stuff.” God, why does it sound so harsh and rude? I swear I don’t mean to come off like a bitch but Zuko just makes me feel so vulnerable and makes me question myself so I try to compensate by acting tougher rather than how lenient Jin acts but I never get the amount of attitude right so I just sound aggressive. Ugh why am I like this?</p><p>Zuko’s smile, if you could even call it that because it was more of an indifferent yet not upset expression, fades to a scowl and I don’t blame him because I was speaking quite rudely to him. “Obviously I was invited.” Zuko folds his arms together, his right hand still clinging to hip cup across the rim. He looks down at me and I guiltily look back because I feel bad for upsetting him. I need to start drinking soon or I’ll feel even worse about myself, at least when I’m under the influence I won’t remember it the next day and it won’t keep me up at night. “Why are you just standing around like a loser?” He doesn’t phrase it like a question, no intonation at the end but I try to assume that he’s just the same as me in the manner of not knowing how assertive is too aggressive. Damn aren’t we interesting?</p><p>I can’t stop myself from looking offended, I mean, if anyone’s the loser here it’s Zuko. He barely knows anyone in the city, can’t carry a conversation to save his life, and he’s basically lost all ties with his family…I now realise that I pretty much described myself then. Damnit. I guess I’m a loser too. But Zuko and I haven’t even given each other nicknames yet so why the hell did he think he could start calling me names now? Ugh, now I feel my cheeks getting pink because that lowkey hurt me hearing it from Zuko and even though I know he didn’t mean it in a mean tone it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sensitive to him. “Clearly I was stopping to talk to you, would you prefer if I just left you alone, your highness?” He seems like the entitled prince-y type sometimes, and though he looked slightly concerned after his remark he regained his irritated expression with mine.</p><p>“Your highness?” Zuko looks really frustrated, his arms uncrossed and I’m definitely butting heads with him right now but I can’t find a place to stop myself. I have some consolation that if I can just annoy him enough, he’ll leave me alone so I can go off and find a drink. I guess this is something to add to my growing list of why I’m drinking tonight: I feel guilty about Zuko. “What is it with you tonight?!” Zuko exclaims, and I don’t know how to answer him. What is it with me tonight? I mean, the same as every night, except my expectation hasn’t been met. And coming face to face with my regretful past didn’t help either. Someday I’ll tell him everything, probably when I’m drunk and show no self control but I have to just get him away from me before I hurt him more.</p><p>“Nothing’s ‘with me’ tonight, I’m acting perfectly normal. If anyone’s acting weird it’s you, going off and talking with Mina as if you knew her.” Fuck, this is hurting me more as I say it but I can’t control myself and I really just revealed my insecurity to Zuko which makes me sound possessive but I swear I wasn’t intending to sound that way. I mean, technically I wanted him to know that I didn’t like him talking to Mina but what’s it to me of who he associates with, it’s not like I’m his girlfriend or something. Zuko looks infuriated, and I would too because I really just decided to police him and make him feel guilty about being social. I sound so negative, I have to distance myself quickly before I hurt him more. But I can’t move my legs so I’m stuck with staring at Zuko and watching this mess unfold before me.</p><p>“It wasn’t like that and you know it.” Zuko’s practically seething at my accusation, his hands shaking and I try to hold a defiant stare towards him. Zuko’s response to getting yelled at is to yell back, he doesn’t cower down or show his insecurities which I somewhat appreciate because that would make me feel worse. But of course I feel bad, I’m yelling at my friend for being normal and I just can’t stop this hatred I’m feeling towards Mina. If she were any closer, I’d probably have hit her by now just out of rage. “And since when do you care about who I hang out with?” Zuko’s cup is flung across the room as he switches his hand positions, arms outstretched to the sides to emphasise his point. God, I have to pull myself away now before I make it worse. </p><p>“Just go home, Zuko, I don’t want you here.” Shut up! You’re being rude! I want to slap myself as I turn away from him, walking outside to find some seating by the outdoor bar. I can tell that I hurt him, I know he’s trying to keep a tough face but he’s upset and he wants to yell something back at me to make me feel hurt too but he doesn’t. I chew the inside of my lip as I step outside, restraining myself from even glancing over my shoulder to look back at him. Not like it’d make me feel better, but I’d at least show Zuko that I’m not a heartless bitch and hopefully he’ll forgive me for this because I know that I sure as hell wouldn’t. Fuck this, fuck life, fuck feelings, fuck friendships, fuck me. I repeat in my head as my hand wraps around a bottle of liquor, smacking the tip against the curve of the bar to knock off the lid.</p><p>I don’t try to take it slow, I don’t try to portion myself and I don’t even try to hide, I just meet the opening of the bottle to my lips and forcefully chug it down. I want to feel the drink gliding down my insides, fill me up and numb me from this outside world. But I feel like no matter how much I drink, it’s not hitting and nothing’s changing and I can still feel my pain and guilt around myself. I stagger towards the bar, sitting at a stool while finishing the end of the bottle with a wince. I can definitely feel the alcohol, but it doesn’t hurt me like I wanted it to. I feel betrayed, angry, hurt, I feel so damaged for some reason and it’s irritating me and if I don’t get fucked up soon I’m going to have some sort of panic attack. And then I start the next bottle, not bothering to read a label as I open it and repeat my first routine. </p><p>And then it slowly hits me. It’s subtle, starting as a haze that I thought just came from my squinting but it clearly wasn’t. Then it was followed by some dizziness, not as if everything was rapidly spinning around me but more of a slight disorientation. I could still walk in a straight line but I’m not going to test out my theory of that or I’d look like an idiot. It’s soothing, feeling in some sort of limbo where I’m not completely conscious but I can still resonate with those around me. Waves of random hues of colour encircle me, and this is strange to describe but it feels like my body’s pulsing, like a calm wave crashing down and covering my entirety with numbness. The numbness starts from my legs, slowly creeping up to isolate my body in its position on the stool.</p><p>The sounds and lights of the party slowly fade away to a muffle, my head feels like its spinning until it hits and my head freezes in its position, darkness encircling me. I’m weightless, I’m free, I can’t think of anything or focus on a thought and it’s getting harder for me to move my eyelids but it’s not like I need to. It’s all slow, heavy, consuming around me and I feel so blissful and relaxed. There’s no feeling around me, not even happiness really, just a limbo, a purgatory of silence. A silent voice fills my mind, nothing founded behind it but it blocks out the outside chaos. You know that feeling when you jump really high and you just float in the air before descending? It’s like that feeling but amplified, that suspension from reality and the thought of what came before or after doesn’t trouble my mind. What the hell did I drink? </p><p>But whilst I’m feeling in some sort of flying motion, I don’t feel entirely detached from reality. I can still picture some things around me, I can still speak and if needed to I could probably walk. Okay, maybe not the last one but I’m not blocking out everything around me. It’s the curse of being as perceptive as I am, I can never completely tune out everything or ignore the entirety of my surroundings. Maybe it’s a blessing, it’s kept me from getting completely wasted at a party or maybe it hasn’t and I’ve forgotten about an instance where I got fucked up. And amidst these feelings, I nearly forget about everything troubling me from earlier this night. </p><p>Normally I don’t react this way, so there was definitely something wrong with the alcohol I just downed. It was stronger than usual, and gave me more of a high than a prolonged state of numbness. I’m not upset, I got my fill either way. So I just continue to nurse the bottle, practically resting my head on the bar because I can’t bear to look up at the faces around me. Not like anyone’s particularly watching me, but I still don’t want to face anyone. It feels like no times passed, but by the dwindling of people around me and the increasing darkness I can tell it’s been around an hour since I stepped outside. I straighten my back, pushing my hair over my shoulder and moving to sit up on the countertop itself. Except I don’t feel like myself.</p><p>I don’t feel dragged down, I don’t feel chained, I feel so fucking happy and I want to just smile and swing in this bliss. I feel like Jin, I suppose, just giving off this happy aura and I want to laugh and joke and tease and flirt and god I love this feeling. The night is peaceful now, I’m not worried about running into anyone and I just want to go swimming or something weird like that. I’ve realised that I’m no longer thinking straight, my thoughts just random fragments of sentences interrupted by random observations that probably didn’t happen. And maybe, if even for a moment, I could just forget about all the shit that brought me to this very bar tonight.</p><p>———————</p><p>I’m sitting at the bar, or rather, on the bar because damn it feels nice to just let my feet dangle and kick back and forth as my hand grips the neck of a bottle. I don’t have any regrets about downing this much, because I intended to do so however what I wasn’t intending was to actually see Zuko here. And I know that it’s him because before my vision started to fade to distortion (it’s not horrible but it’s still wavering) I could make him out leaning in the corner. I told him to go home angrily, which is something I regret, but I didn’t expect him to stay for any longer. Not that I expect Zuko to listen to me but I had hoped that he took the hint that I’m not really in a good place now and I don’t want him to see me become a mess. Which is why I didn’t intend to come face to face with him after taking another swig. “Uh, hey,” </p><p>Something about intoxicated me is just so appealing, yeah she’s a little bit dumb but she’s such a smooth talker. Probably because I always respond to stuff that way in my head but my overthinking makes me come off as nervous and uncertain. Well, not necessarily that but I sound a lot more confident and suave because I don’t have time to process the overtness of my words. I’m glad that during one of my first parties, I brought a knife so I could threaten some creep that came close to me, and now no one tries to advance in that way in fear of losing a ligament. It’s kinda badass, I wish my normal self gave off that intimating presence as well. My zoning out and contemplation on myself caused me to completely ignore Zuko as he repeatedly waved his hands to get my attention. “Y/N!”</p><p>“Ah, you’re talking about me? Love it.” Damn who is this? Cuz it’s sure as hell not me. I swing my legs gently, leaning my head back to face the stars as I shut my eyes to feel the crisp wind. It’s so calming outside, so serene despite the bad decisions flooding around me and I can’t help but laugh a little because of the ideality of the situation. I’m alone with Zuko, I have my alcohol, and the weather is starting to warm at night so it’s the perfect cold with my outfit without making me shiver. Not that shivering’s a problem, I can control my body heat regularly and strangely now I can’t contain my joy so I’m especially warm. I smile lamely, lifting my bottle again only for Zuko to clutch my hand and force it back down. It clangs to the bartop loudly, and I pout, trying to move my arm but he’s firm in restraining me.</p><p>“You’re not acting like yourself, you need to stop drinking.” Zuko frowns, refusing to let me even finish the last of the bottle. What a killjoy. I raise my hands in defeat, bringing them towards my chest but Zuko’s fast and grasps my wrists firmly to keep me from acting impulsively and grabbing the bottle again.</p><p>“Listen, pretty boy, you got nothing on me.” I laugh, easily yanking my hands from his grip and swinging them back to hold me up. It probably doesn’t look the most innocent, I’m leaning back in a low cut top with Zuko staggering before me, inadvertently staring down as he does a few steps in place to steady himself. I stare demurely towards Zuko, my new favourite way to tease him because he always gets so flustered and maybe he’s flustered because I called him pretty boy but I’ve just been dying to use that on someone for years. “You may think that you have the advantage cuz I’m a little tipsy, but you’re damn wrong.” I gesticulate with my right hand, acting a lot more expressive than I usually do. </p><p>“A little? You call two bottles a little?!”</p><p>“On a good day, yeahhhhh.” Zuko wraps his left arm across his chest, his right resting against his temples as he tries to think of a way to get me out of this situation. I’m clearly out of it, and this house is pretty far from mine so it’s going to be a nightmare trying to get my dead weight home especially since drunk me is acting like a brat. Not that I mind, I always find a way home anyways so it’s really not his concern but I don’t know if it’s the liquor talking but Zuko looks especially fine tonight especially when he’s worried about me. Then my mind slips and I’m filled with some urge to hold onto Zuko tightly to keep myself from falling over but I don’t want to look weak in front of him. “Hey Zuko, remember when we went stargazing together?”</p><p>“How could I forget, it was three days ago.” Zuko gruffly responds, reaching forward to steady me by my shoulders as I lean back a little farther than I intended but I’m not really thinking straight so I give myself the benefit of the doubt. </p><p>“I don’t know if you know this, but that was likeee the third best night of my life.” I laugh like an idiot, clearly ranking one of my antics with Jin as the second and the first as the night he came over and I realised that we weren’t so different after all. “You make me really fucking happy,” I drawl on, making Zuko rock with me because his hands are still on my shoulders and I’m not being a help by shaking back and forth again. “Like when I’m with you, I got no worries,” I laugh, lying because of course I get worried by him but apparently deep down I really feel safe around him. Why am I getting so flirty? I know that there is a line we’re not crossing yet drunk me is just toeing the line over and over again, what a fucking tease.</p><p>“You don’t mean that-“</p><p>“Yeah I do, I wouldn’t’ve said it if I didn’t mean it.” I shake my shoulders briskly, indicating that I want Zuko to let go because his grip’s getting tighter as I keep talking and it’s starting to hurt. He brings his hands to his sides quickly, and I roll my eyes before resting a hand on his head because apparently that’s what I’m doing now. “I didn’t say you have to let go of me, you’re just making my shoulders sore.” Zuko looks flustered again, my new apparent skill, and I reach down to guide his hands to my knees. It’s not something ideal, but it’s better than having him lean over me just to catch me as I fall back. This is nice, I have the hottest boy in the city holding me and I’m drunk and did I mention how nice of a night this is?</p><p>“Y/N, you really confuse me sometimes.” Zuko sighs, carefully adjusting his grip from the tops of my knees to the sides of them. His hands are hot, he’s probably nervous too and oh my god he’s so handsome right now. I could just stare at him for hours, just watching my scarred boy do whatever the fuck he wants to do because I’m so enthralled by him. *coughs* Did I just say that? Damn someone must’ve snuck a love potion into something I was downing, there’s no way in hell I just was thinking that about Zuko. My friend Zuko. Nothing more, nothing less. But he’s not helping with the situation because he’s probably unintentionally doing this but now his hands have moved up to clutch more of my outer thigh, probably just to steady me because I can sense that I’m shaking.</p><p>“H-hey now, don’t start something you can’t finish.” I joke, grasping his wrists firmly as I rock in his grip. But he doesn’t make an effort to move, we both just wait in this close proximity, breathing the same air and staring into each others eyes. His eyes are like honey, fiery with the light reflecting but I know that deep down he’s just a broken boy that hasn’t found home yet. God, I should’ve laid off of the liquor earlier because now my head’s throbbing and I can’t tell if I love this feeling or I hate it. My mind can’t hold a real thought now, just random ideas passing by and I can’t exactly focus on anything again because my vision keeps drifting which is an amazing feeling of numbness. But I also feel sick because I can’t control myself and I’m really going out of my league to flirt with Zuko which is gonna turn out to be more than I can handle.</p><p>Zuko clears his throat, moving his hands back towards my knees. “I’m taking you home now. You’ve had enough of this.” He pushes the bottle across the bar where it’ll probably roll off and break onto the floor but I don’t care. I just sit there like a child, watching aimlessly as the lights and people dance around me and I can’t move as my knight in shining armour tries to tug me to my feet. Not that I could walk on them anyways, my legs are weak from alcohol and from flirting. Zuko groans, turning around and leaning back to slightly separate my legs but not in a sexual way. “Climb on, I know you can’t walk.” </p><p>I concede with my pride, scooting and leaning forward onto Zuko briskly and wrapping my arms daintily around his neck as his hands lift my thighs. This is comfy, I could stay like this forever but I know Zuko’s not that strong not to mention the fact that two days ago he had some injury on his side that is somehow miraculously healed. I remember Zuko telling me how Iroh’s a really spiritual guy, maybe he had some healing water or something along those lines to cure him. I don’t really remember much of what happened next, just random people making weird comments as I snuggled up to Zuko to motivate him to walk out of the vicinity. Not that there was any real rush to do so, but I kinda wanted to be alone with Zuko for awhile. “Can you go any slower?”</p><p>I didn’t mean this as to encourage him to walk faster, just to ask if he could slow down because my mind is flooding and I feel queasy. I rest my head against the crook of Zuko’s neck, and he falters in his step because he clearly wasn’t expecting me to do that. Hell, I wasn’t expecting me to do that either, I just felt like being bold and maybe I should’ve been thinking things through more but it’s not exactly like I can just clear my mind with the snap of a finger. “Don’t you want me to go faster?” He asks, confused because it makes sense that I’d want to go home but he should just accept that I’m a little mentally drained and probably just said the first thing that came to my mind.</p><p>“Nah, I just like being alone with you.” That was a lot more overt than I intended, or was it? I can’t tell if it’s just because my brain is a little scrambled now but Zuko’s a lot more different to me than he was before, he’s special. Zuko doesn’t stumble in his step this time, he’s firm as he continues to trek forward with my annoying ass on his back. I don’t know what’s compelling him to do so, I was going through major mood swings at the party, it’s inconvenient for him to walk me home, and I probably reek of alcohol but here he is, supporting me and making sure I don’t fall. Speaking of smell, Zuko smells really fucking good, like more intoxicating than my alcohol. He clearly didn’t drink during the party, so maybe it’s just his cologne? Idk what it is but my head was already against his neck and now I’m sniffing him like a crazy person. </p><p>“I’m not letting you go to another party, I think you lost your mind in there.” Zuko rolls his eyes, clearly somewhat upset at me from early because I was acting like a complete bitch. And I still can’t find some sanity in myself to bring myself to apologise to him, I’ll probably do it tomorrow when I remember what happened. It’s cooler outside than I thought at first, but I just warm myself more which probably is uncomfortable for Zuko but I feel near frozen because of my poor outfit choice. I hold my arms tighter around him, bringing myself closer because I feel safer and it’s easier for Zuko to support me if I’m more compact. That’s the only reason I’m doing it, no other reason whatsoever.</p><p>“Aww, are you being protective of me?” I beam, burying my head against his neck to hide my blush because it’s embarrassing that I was flattered by his concern. Zuko huffs in annoyance at my flirtiness, but he’s not helping the situation by gripping me tighter and continuing to carry me. “You don’t have to worry about me, I can handle myself.” Damn if I could laugh at myself I definitely would because I’m literally being carried by Zuko as I said I can handle myself. I can sense that I should stop talking now before I overshare some emotions that I didn’t know I had but as we’ve seen time and time again, I have no self control.</p><p>“I’m being serious, Y/N.”</p><p>“As am I, as am I.” I answer briskly, finally lifting my head up from his shoulder to look around at the housing around me. We aren’t out of the upper ring yet, which figures because it’s a large area and Zuko’s not particularly sprinting to get me home. However we’re out in the open-ish area now, the houses aren’t as close together and it’s mostly cobblestone roads with vegetation contained behind short fences. There’s a small pond a few paths over, the very one that used to have turtle ducks and I want to pull against Zuko’s hair to make him turn that way so we can go see them. But are the ducks even going to be there? I don’t know, I suck at predicting these things and I’m not exactly getting better so it’s probably for the best that we just continue on our path towards my house.</p><p>“Look I don’t know if this is some kinda habit for you, but I don’t like it.” Zuko snaps with exasperation, dragging my attention from the turtle ducks back to my best friend. I pout, wanting to retort about how he doesn’t know me or that he doesn’t know what’s best for me except deep down I know that he’s right. I may like drinking in the moment, but it just tears me down and never really fixes my problems, it just makes me more dependent on something that can never satisfy me. I want to reply to him in my defence but I just feel so heavy, so chained down and I can’t bring myself to even nod in agreement because I trust Zuko’s opinion and I trust that he’s looking out for me but I still can’t convince myself to stop. “I’m worried about you.”</p><p>In that moment, I feel sick and bad and dirty and wrong and I’m filled with some desire to just stop. It was like a mental cry for help, some plead for someone to extend their hand and rescue me as I drown. And here Zuko is, leaning over and reaching to grab my arm but I’m just out of grasp. And so I fall, I sink, I let everything around me consume me as darkness covers the world. I don’t feel worthy of being before Zuko, I want to climb off of his back and scramble home and hide and I don’t even know what the fuck I’ll do but I don’t want to be in his presence anymore. “Can you at least say something?” Zuko snaps because I just went quiet and froze against him. I shake my head briskly, snapping myself back to the current situation and Zuko’s question.</p><p>I fling my head back aggressively, practically dragging Zuko to stumble in his step because I’m pretty strong and he wasn’t expecting me to act that way. “What the FUCK do you want me to say?” I groan, removing my hands from his neck to grasp the sides of my head, leaving him to nearly trip with my sudden change of positions. He slowly lets go of me and I wobble in my step collapsing to my knees because I really couldn’t walk before and now I can’t find the strength to even look up. Zuko squats down beside me, trying to meet my eyes as I bury my head in my knees. His hand hovers above my shoulder, unsure if he should touch me or not and I don’t blame his tentative reaction because I am acting pretty irrationally. “It’s just not fair!” I finally cry, smacking the side of my shin as I rock in my position.</p><p>“What’s not fair?”</p><p>“I just-“ I sigh, moving my hands to rest of the back of my neck because I can’t choose a position to find comfortable. Not like a cobblestone road is very comfortable to begin with. “I just can’t stop. I can’t and I want to but I keep finding myself here and I hate it and you can’t just say that you want me to stop because I’m fucking trying!” I don’t cry, I just look defeated as I look up and try to put my problems into words. “It’s not fair that I have to be stuck here and it’s not fair that I even exist and I-“ I gape, trying to come up with more of an explanation as to why I’m so upset. “I just want to be normal and work in a dumb tea shop like you and I want to have an uncle like yours and I don’t want to be a fire bender and I don’t want any of this!”</p><p>Neither of us can say anything, I probably scared Zuko off with my outburst so we just wait in silence. “Y/N,” Zuko finally rests his hand on my shoulder, giving me some sort of consolation as I just shake on the ground from shock. I never vocalise this kind of thing to anyone, much less Zuko of all people and I want to beat myself up for just saying everything like this. I want Zuko to go because I don’t want him to see me this way but I also want him to stay because he’s one of the only people that comfort me and I also want him to stay because he’s fucking hot and I never get this kind of attention or care from a guy. Zuko’s hand twitches against my shoulder, carefully continuing to massage after my mental rant. “Uhh, thanks?” I squint my eyes as I finally look up at him, noticing his blush deepen as he glances away.</p><p>“What?” Ohhhh fuck. My hands slap back to my face as I roll down to my side, trying to hide my face as I curl into a fetal position. I didn’t say that last train of thought in my head, did I? Goddamnit I really should stop drinking around Zuko because I’m going to keep saying things that I didn’t think I meant but I guess I did mean it a little? I don’t know why the fuck I said it though, I would never admit this kind of thing to anyone no matter how much I was into them. I just messed everything up didn’t I? Zuko was just starting to get comfortable with me and now I scared him away because I’m a horny bitch that can’t control her feelings. “I didn’t mean to say that, god, why can’t I do anything right?”</p><p>Zuko looks terrified, well not scared-scared but more of a what the fuck do I do kinda situation. I guess he’s never had to deal with a drunk friend confessing that they find him attractive. And, I mean, who would even think that that was a scenario that you had to prepare for? He frantically glances around the empty courtyard, trying to find something, anything to help him deal with my emotional crisis. I don’t know why I’m acting this way, it’s usually Zuko that’s the one with more outbursts or random angst yet he’s the one remaining somewhat level headed in this situation, I’m jealous. I finally sit up again, trying to bring myself to my feet because I hate sitting on the floor like some whiny child that can’t control her temper.</p><p>I stagger forward, trying to get comfortable in a standing position but I’m still weak in the knees because I’m disoriented as hell. Zuko swoops by to catch me, moving my right arm to loop across his shoulder. I notice that he’s keeping me from leaning against his other side, it must still be sensitive even if somewhat healed and I feel some obligation to say something but my mind is blank. So the two of us finally leave the neighbourhood, continuing to walk in some amalgamate bunch because we’re clinging to each other tightly. I look around all sides of the street, trying to find something to start conversation because the last thing I said to Zuko was admitting that I think he’s hot and I don’t want to leave the night on that note. “Hey Lee?”</p><p>Zuko’s head perks up at me calling him Lee, I haven’t done that in awhile and he thought we established that I can call him Zuko when we’re alone. But my brain isn’t functioning well, I’m still drunk from my heavy drinking, I had a short-lived breakdown about my insecurities and being jealous, and I called my best friend hot. I mean, who wouldn’t like a night like that? -_- And because my brain is being stupid, it forgot that Zuko’s name was Zuko so I just call him Lee since that’s all I remember. “What did you call me?” Zuko asks, looking strangely at me because I just keep acting weirder as the night goes on.</p><p>“I called you Lee, duh,” I laugh a little, feeling my legs swing with my steps rather than just walking forward in a straight line. “I like your name, you just look like a Lee to me.” I smile lamely, looking up towards Zuko through my eye lashes. “It’s kinda a boring name, but I still like it.” I don’t know what’s wrong with me now, I swear I need to start reading the labels of what I drink because I’ve gone through like fifteen mood swings in the past two hours. I don’t know if it’s just me having more issues and conflicting feeling arise now, or if it’s some other drug that’s messing with me. Maybe this’ll teach me a lesson about irresponsible drinking, but then again I’ve never been a fantastic student so I’ll probably just forget.</p><p>“Well, uh, would you still like me if I had a different name?” Zuko plays along with my game, not really processing that I deadass forgot what he told me earlier so hey maybe he did hypnotise me to forget his real name. Y’know I can’t place my finger onto exactly what it is, but there’s something about the way that Zuko holds me that’s so meticulous, so precise and yet so careful to not grab me awkwardly or in an uncomfortable position. But sometimes, some weird part of me wants him to push the limits or act a little more mischievously instead of just acting like regular Zuko. Like that night we were at Jet’s, part of me wishes that we did more that night rather than just cuddle, or when he came over to my house, part of me wishes that we made out or something like that. But I don’t know why I feel this way, I really don’t like him like that so what the fuck is wrong with me?</p><p>“Nah, absolutely not.” I shake my head briskly, rolling it back against my neck before glancing back into his amber eyes. God they’re so pretty, I bet everyone in the Fire Nation has eyes like that and I just want to see more and more. “And hey, don’t say things like that because I do NOT like like you.” I make sure to emphasise the ‘not’, pointing a finger towards him before jabbing it against his sternum. </p><p>“Not at all?”</p><p>“Nopeee. Well, maybe a little ahahaha.” Once again, I get that smile with Zuko, that same fucking smile that I got after the night on the rooftop, one that doesn’t fucking go away no matter how much I try to fight it. I’m so content, so happy, I feel found around him and damn this is such a bad feeling. I can’t be reliant on him, hell, I don’t even know if I like him yet here I am just teasing the idea, just trying to imagine what it would be like to have someone like this in my life. My comfort place is in his arms, staring up into his beautiful eyes and having the realisation that someone can tolerate me, that someone actually chose me and doesn’t just want to use me for some random curse that I have.</p><p>It feels like hours, and I just might’ve been, until we finally make it onto my street. I roll my eyes, not particularly wanting to leave Zuko again because I always do and honestly it’s far too nice with him to want to be apart. I slide from his grasp, having some regained strength as I reach forward to support myself against the wall. I have some urge, I’m not exactly sure why, to turn around and ask if he could help me upstairs to my room but that’s taking on more than I can handle at the moment and I’d look like an idiot because of course Zuko would refuse. He waits for me to open the door and go inside, but I remain rigid in my position, opting to turn around to face him again. “I have to tell you a secret, come here,” I wave my hand towards him.</p><p>Zuko walks closer, showing an indifferent look though I sense that he is probably annoyed that I keep delaying him from going home and making his night awkward. However, Zuko is in actually rather pleased with my proposition because maybe he’s been a little softened and flattered and maybe the feeling’s a little mutual. I wait expectantly for him to get closer, patiently planning my attack. I fling my arms over his shoulders and just give him a hug and it’s strange that this is the first time we’ve done so because we fell asleep in each other’s arms before actually hugging one another. Well, that’s a lie, we did hug after the night on the rooftop but that was less than five days ago and we were both out of it from a lack of sleep. Zuko’s arms lace around my waist, not holding me as firmly as I him but enough that I feel secure and I’m light on my toes.</p><p>My head rests against the side of his, both of us resting against the other’s neck as we continue the embrace. I don’t know why it feels so natural for us, so organic and comfortable and calming and I don’t care that anyone could walk out and see us now. Zuko’s left arm rests against my lower back, staggered with his right that clutches the back of my rib cage. I follow suit with an uneven approach, my left hand grasping the back of his head and my right draped across his back. I was planning on just hugging him while I tell him my ‘secret’, but now I’d rather just stand here with him and bask in his body heat rather than going inside and falling back to reality.</p><p>I exhale deeply, forcing myself to relinquish his grasp because if it was up to me I’d never leave his arms but I know that Zuko doesn’t share the same sentiment and is just waiting to get home. I lean back, pulling Zuko with me as I breathe hotly by his ear, feeling him jolt with the sensation. “Out of everyone in the world, I hate you the least.” I whisper, finally sliding down to my feet and watching him fade away as we come back from our dream. Zuko smiles, and he rarely does and this smile isn’t exactly as bright or as cheerful as a normal person’s but it’s special in its own Zuko way. I don’t let him say something else, something that would make me really lose my self control so I just wave him a good night and retreat back into my personal hell.</p><p>I lean against the back of the door as I close it, my heart racing as I wait to hear Zuko walk away and back down the street. Why do I feel this way? I mean, what even is this feeling? I thought it was just the alcohol and that definitely has something to do with it but I just kept blaming these emotions on it, not acknowledging that maybe they aren’t so new. Do I like like Zuko? No, no, I don’t and I can’t and I won’t and I really shouldn’t and god this is frustrating but I just can’t stop myself from feeling this way no matter how much I try to suppress it. I’ve never really liked someone this way, and I intend on keeping it that way because all I’d do is hurt them more, and the last thing I want to do is hurt Zuko even though I’ve probably done enough of that. Maybe it’s better to just stay away from him until I can regain my composure and chastise myself into losing these feelings. Fucking disgusting.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh I edited all of my earlier chapters to give it a cohesive timeline since I started writing it awhile ago so please re-read because some things changed</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. “I’m going to teach you how to make tea yourself”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I swear I wrote half of this today after not working on it for like two weeks, I'm finding my motivation to fluctuate rapidly. And remember to drink some water rn, I don't care if you just got comfortable get your ass up and drink some water before reading this.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As time has progressed, I’ve come to realise how complicated Jet and Jin’s relationship is. I can’t begin to fathom how Jin is feeling, but my opinion on Jet rapidly changes as the weeks advance. Initially I was wary of Jet, finding it suspicious how enthralled he was with Jin without his intent seeming purely sexual, and how random it was that he found her so quickly. Then I was slightly indifferent towards him, not sure what to make of him. And then I started to like him, hell, I was jealous of him because he was in the honeymoon phase with Jin and he was a flirt and they clearly enjoyed themselves together. And then Jin randomly showed up at my house and I began to have a distaste towards him, purely because anyone that hurts Jin gets a problem with me. But then they seemingly made up, and now I’m back to this limbo of confusion.</p><p>I haven’t seen much of Jin on her own since the party, it was just over a week ago and after their squabble I assumed that Jin would try to set new boundaries except that didn’t happen at all. And, it’s not my place to dictate what they can or can’t do with their relationship so I stood by and let them sort out their problem. When I do see Jin, she seems a lot more happy than she was before, though I have yet to discern whether or not it’s genuine happiness. I want to think that it is, but Jin’s fucking talented at hiding her feelings so the only way for me to know is if she tells me directly. It doesn’t look like Jin’s planning on doing that anytime soon, so I choose to keep a careful eye on them without inserting myself into their relationship.</p><p>I’m leaning back in my chair, staring up at the ceiling of the flower shop because I have nothing better to do and Yi’s off arguing with Maou or something like that. I don’t really care to be honest, I only have another year of dealing with this until I become legal so I can go make an escape and start my life somewhere else. I would do it now, but since Maou still has some sort of legal guardianship over me if I’m caught I’d be forced to go back to him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to escape him or the Triad, but I’ll be damned if I don’t try. I often wonder where I’d run off to, I mean, I don’t know a ton about the world outside of Ba Sing Se but I do know that I will not be going to either of the Water Tribes. Maybe I will once I can get some proper fire bending training, and then I’ll melt the damn ice cap until their nation is submerged in their flaws.</p><p>I want to leave on my own, but at the same time I have a desire to leave with someone I trust. The world is a dangerous place, and even though it takes me awhile to trust someone and I don’t doubt that I could survive on my own, it’d make my life a lot easier if I had some sort of guide. I would ask Zuko, but I really think he’s starting to enjoy his life here and I don’t want to drag him away and make him relive his rather traumatising past. I genuinely believe that Zuko enjoys my presence, so it pains me whenever I imagine leaving him, but it’s better that way than me preparing him and making him dread the day. If I just slip away, maybe leave him something behind, then I can make this hurt him the least. Because I really don’t want to hurt him or ever make him feel like he was at fault for this, but I’ve realised that I’m not happy here and I need to find out who I really am.</p><p>Amidst my thoughts, I don’t think my surroundings or notice when a familiar face enters the shop. “It is a lovely afternoon today, it’s a shame that you’re stuck inside.” Iroh smiles warmly, approaching me whilst wearing a wide brimmed hat. It never ceases to confuse me as how such a cheerful and accepting man such as he ended up with someone like Zuko. He’s caring a basketful of various foods from the market, probably a weekly supply of groceries for him and Zuko. It’s not a great deal of food, their modest salary doesn’t allow for them to live luxuriously so I consider the thought of inviting them over for dinner some night but I don’t want Yi to get the wrong idea or for Maou to show up and ruin everything. I straighten my position to properly face Iroh without seemingly like a bum.</p><p>“Yeah, but that’s just how work goes, I guess.” I laugh, cracking my neck to the side before leaning forward to rest my elbows onto the countertop. Iroh always makes me smile, it must be something in that family because I just feel so at home around them. I know that despite Zuko being a very secretive guy, he’s told Iroh that I’m a fire bender too and that I know their real names which is convenient because it would be uncomfortable if I accidentally called him Iroh without him knowing that I know. “What can I do for you today? Looking for something in particular?” I have no idea whether or not Iroh intends on buying something but I might as well maintain a common business practice.</p><p>Iroh takes on a pensive look, examining the shop until his eyes fall on a small, simple vase with a small bunch of lilies draping out of it. It’s rather drab and simple, but Iroh seems to find the beauty in everything so he smiles as it stands out to him. “I think this little fellow over here needs a new home.” He walks towards his prize, wrapping his weathered hands around the base and carrying it over, expecting me to charge him. “I’m expecting that we’ll be having a visitor soon, so I should spruce up the apartment.” I shake my hand towards him as he reaches for his coin pouch, refusing to let him pay for such a simple thing. I never charge Jin whenever she needs something from the shop, I haven’t charged Jet when he comes to buy a bouquet for Jin, and Iroh covers what I would pay for tea every time and I wish he wouldn’t but he refuses to let me even leave money on the table.</p><p>“No, no there’s no need.” I push my hand against Iroh’s, forcing him relinquish his grasp on the leather sack. “You’re my friend, friends don’t pay here.” I laugh, sharing the same sentiment that he shows me nearly every day. I hadn’t realised how much I go to the Pao Family Tea Shop until one of the aunties on the my street commented that I was starting my walk later than usual. I guess it’s become some sort of routine for me, it’s so natural for me to go visit Zuko and wait for him to get on a break and it’s not like I’m into him and devoted to him but he’s one of my only friends besides Jin. Wait wait wait wait wait hold on, did I hear Iroh correctly? Did he say that they were expecting a visitor soon? Is someone from the Fire Nation coming to see them? If so, I want to meet them too but I don’t want to assume too much without enough warning.</p><p>“Y/N you can’t just-“ Yi barges into the room, looking like a mess honestly because Maou can be a real asshole sometimes and I don’t know how Yi’s put up with him for so long. She probably overheard me saying I’d give the flower to Iroh with no charge and she’s irritated so she needs to take her frustration out on someone. She stops when she realises it’s Iroh, softening her gaze and quickly wiping under her eyes with the backs of her pointer fingers. “Oh, it’s just you.” She doesn’t sound annoyed with Iroh, just like she’s had a long day and needs some kind of break. Iroh waves politely, still smiling as Yi walks over behind me and drapes herself atop me out of pure exhaustion. “Y/N can you watch the shop for the rest of the night? I need a break from reality for awhile.” By that Yi means she wants to start day drinking and she needs me to keep the business running.</p><p>Iroh’s face falls, and he frowns lightly as Yi proposes her idea. “I actually came here to relay an invitation from Lee to see if Y/N was interested in coming over for dinner tonight.” So I was the guest he was talking about, I feel really flattered even though I’m certain that it was Iroh to come up with the proposal, not Zuko. He probably sensed something more than a regular friendship between Zuko and I but I really hope he didn’t sense that it was something serious. I mean sure, Zuko and I do have a rather strange friendship that’s particularly weird because we acted like the night of the party didn’t happen at all but it’s not like we’re dating or something, not anything exclusive enough to have dinner with his uncle.</p><p>Yi raises her eyebrows slowly, lightly nodding her head as she lifts herself off of me to stand on her own. She’s slowly looking Iroh up and down, as if she’s coming to some realisation about who she is. She must’ve recognised him but not enough to remember who exactly he is, or why I’m friendly enough to give him a small plant for free. “I remember you now, you’re her boyfriend’s uncle.” She smiles weakly and I elbow her in the gut sharply because what the hell Yi?! Don’t fucking say something like that, it’s awkward as hell and I hate how annoyed this makes me because maybe a very very small part of me wants it to be true but the rest of me knows that it could never happen and never work out. </p><p>“Wait he’s not-“ </p><p>“I apologise, I should’ve introduced myself formally to you. I’m Mushi.” Iroh laughs, extending a hand to Yi and she gingerly shakes it in agreement. Iroh doesn’t usually interrupt people, but he clearly wants to join Yi in making my life a hell so he goes along with her calling Zuko my boyfriend. I hope he’s teasing Zuko the same way and it isn’t just some conspiracy against only me. “Is it possible for her to join us tonight?” Iroh repeats his invitation and I can’t decided whether or not I should accept. Of course I want to go see Zuko but now that I know that Iroh’s that kind of tease it’s going to be awkward but I don’t want to stay home either because Yi’s just going to tease because Iroh didn’t deny her explanation of Zuko and I’s relationship. Friendship, I meant friendship, not relationship.</p><p>“Eh what the hell, go take her away.” Yi pushes me forward, nudging me towards the other side of the counter as if she wasn’t just asking me to stay. I stumble in my step, casting her a death stare as she smiles sweetly like the liar she is. Damn she can be irritating sometimes, but I guess I’d rather go see Zuko because then I can escape these crazies. Thank god I was wearing something decent today, I think I just sensed that I’d have to go out later so I planned accordingly. I pick up the vase, nodding for the door and walking in front of Iroh. I don’t turn around, but I can tell that he and Yi are giving each other some kind of knowing stare that all parents seem to do.</p><p>“I should warn you now, we’re going to be surprising my nephew; he doesn’t know you’re coming.” Iroh smiles and I force a smile in return, already regretting coming out here. Of course I don’t think anything’s going to go wrong but I still just have some aching feeling that Iroh and Yi are forcing this idea onto Zuko when he doesn’t want to be with me that way. And something I hate is rejection, the realisation that I wasn’t good enough even though I thought I was. I don’t try to attain things if I didn’t think I could, that’s not saying I don’t push myself, but I don’t waste my time on a failed effort. So that’s why I’m reluctant to put myself in this situation with Zuko because I honestly don’t know how he’s thinking, I can barely read him.</p><p>“Ah I can’t wait to see his expression, I hope he enjoys the surprise.” </p><p>“He will, he will,” Iroh smiles, slightly rocking his head with his response. “Ever since he was a child, Prince Zuko hasn’t been the best with expressing his emotions, so we shouldn’t expect some big reaction.” I can see that, he really does seem almost afraid to smile at times so maybe I should take this as some sort of consolation when he doesn’t reciprocate my enthusiasm. But it’s still so strange to me as to why Iroh’s talking like this, and I’m assuming that the ‘Prince’ is just some inside joke about Zuko’s entitlement issues. He doesn’t really show that side of himself to me, but I’ve seen it when I go to the tea shop early. But I suppose Iroh is the only parental figure of my friends that I’ve ever talked with casually, Jin’s parents barely said a word to me besides basic formalities. It’s actually really nice, I feel valued and special that he gives effort to make me feel welcome. But that’s just how Iroh is.</p><p>“Were you and Zuko always like this? I mean, I know a little about his mom leaving when he was young but were you always this present?” It sounds like a lame question, one that could be answered very bluntly but it’s such a foreign concept to have this present of a parental figure so I want to know more. Iroh’s such a sweet man, so kind and generous that’s not entirely warranted and I believe that he’s a genuinely good person. I want something like that, I want someone like that to fill my void of loneliness, someone that could’ve guided me and taught me how to be a normal fucking person because I clearly missed that lesson during childhood.</p><p>“My nephew was very close with his mother before she was exiled. I supported him after her departure, and watched over him officially after he was banished.”</p><p>“Zuko was banished? Damn, he really must’ve messed up to get the Fire Lord’s attention on him. What did he do, was he misbehaving in class?” I’m laughing because what the hell does that even mean? The Fire Lord, as to the extent of my limited knowledge, would only banish someone for treason or some capital offence. And I doubt Zuko murdered anyone at thirteen so how would he have gotten banished? It’s so confusing, I just want Iroh to explain or reveal that this was just a joke and he was exaggerating. Zuko’s father probably just kicked him out of the house, he definitely wasn’t banished but I can’t just laugh it off because Iroh doesn’t lie. Well, he did when I first met him but Iroh doesn’t lie unless it’s utterly necessary.</p><p>“No, he spoke out of turn during a war meeting. The Fire Lord isn’t a very forgiving man, and he already favoured Azula so that didn’t grant him any mercy.”</p><p>“Wait, what? How does the Fire Lord know Zuko and Azula?”</p><p>“He’s their father.” Iroh responds nonchalantly but I just feel everything freeze around me. The Fire Lord is…his father? Zuko’s father? The very same Zuko with a scar across his face that’s been away from home for the past three years? Does this mean that Iroh is the Fire Lord’s brother? I feel some compulsion to fall to my knees and bow because I suppose they are royalty to my heritage but I’ve never been to the Fire Nation so it probably doesn’t count. Why didn’t Zuko tell me? That’s kind of a big deal, he couldn’t have maybe said ‘oh hey by the way I’m also the heir to the Fire Nation throne’ during all of those late night talks? Or did he and did I just forget? No, I wouldn’t forget something like this. “You seem worried, did I startle you?”<br/>

“I, well, Zuko never told me that he was a prince. I just assumed you called him that as a joke, he never actually said anything about this.” I feel my eyes widen in confusion, slowing my walk because I’m utterly perplexed by this. Was I too overt with Zuko? This shouldn’t change our friendship, right? I mean, he didn’t expect me to treat him differently because of his heritage but to be fair he never told me anything so it’s not really my fault if I did. Does he know that Iroh told me? Does he even want me to know about this? Should I just pretend that I don’t know? Though I don’t really want to lie to him more, I can’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me something huge like this. “I feel like I should kneel before him when I get to the tea shop. And, to you too of course, I’m honoured to be in the presence of the royal family.”</p><p>“There’s no need, don’t worry. We no longer bear the power behind those titles, as long as we are in exile.” Iroh repeats the word ‘exile’ so I wonder what extent he means by that. Were they officially banished, or did Iroh leave willingly? And damn my feelings about the Fire Nation are conflicted now, two of my most favourite people hail from there but at the same time my bastard of a father and Zuko’s father are also from there and they’re both horrible people. There’s a lot I’m confused about, as usual with Zuko, but I don’t want to prod and make him uncomfortable because I always find it somewhat rude when people ask me to open up about my past. </p><p>Iroh continues to give a vastly oversimplified version of why Zuko was unjustfully banished, and my rage seems to boil the more I hear about Ozai. I would refer to him as the Fire Lord, but he is not worthy of that respect and I’m definitely not going to refer to him as ‘Zuko’s father’ because no father would treat his son this way. How can people like this even exist? He disgusts me, I have more contempt for him than I have for Maou which is saying something because I’ve known about Ozai for ten minutes and Maou for twelve years. That adds yet another thing to my bucket list for when I escape Ba Sing Se: personally assassinate Ozai. “How could a man as vile as Ozai have such a kind brother like you?”</p><p>I asked this merely as a joke, but Iroh’s expression is darkened because I know he doesn’t want to speak ill of Ozai but it’s evident that he’s far from defending. Even Iroh, one of the most benevolent men in the world, can’t justify this madman’s actions against his own flesh and blood. That just goes to show how insane he is, how much he deserves whatever malice comes towards him. I don’t think I’ll ever say this directly to Zuko, but I do have every intention to avenge him and hurt his father in a worse way than he hurt Zuko. But I don’t think whatever fucked up thing I could do could ever compare to the emotional and physical scars that he’s inflicted on his son. His firstborn, his heir, his child. “Do you have any siblings, Y/N?”</p><p>“Ha, not any that I know of.” I scoff, feeling bitterness against my tongue because something about hearing Iroh retell the past just winds me up into frustration. “My mother doesn’t exactly like kids, or I wouldn’t be here now if you know what I mean.” Iroh nods pensively, not showing any reaction to me hinting towards my abandonment. “And regarding my father, I don’t think he even knows I exist. I don’t have a name, a face, a ranking, or even a location, really. But, knowing my circumstances, I don’t doubt that he has some other illegitimate children.” Damn, my daddy issues are really showing right now, I guess that’s something that Zuko and I have in common too. Iroh really makes me wonder whether or not I’d turn out differently if I had siblings, I can see that Zuko would’ve been treated better if it was just him but what the hell would’ve happened to me?</p><p>“My nephew’s sister, Azula, often reminds me of Ozai.” I find it rather interesting that he refers to Azula as Zuko’s sister, not his niece. I can already sense that there’s a strained relationship there. “They’re both very talented fire benders, but their ambition to strive for perfection and power has set them up for failure. I don’t doubt that they will be successful, however they are lacking basic…” Iroh squints his eyes as he looks towards the side, trying to find the right word to express his feelings. “Morals.” God, Azula sounds terrifying, I mean, hearing Zuko talk about her and now Iroh confirm his opinions really startles me. She’s a child, she’s fourteen and yet she’s becoming a mini-me of Ozai. Part of me hopes that these two are exaggerating her nature, because some day I really do want to meet Azula and see for myself if she lives up to her reputation.</p><p>I slowly regain my composure and linger in confusion as we draw closer to Pao’s Tea Shop, Iroh supplementing me with more information to ease my mind. There’s still so much I want to learn, so much I’ll probably never understand, but I have to try to stay strong for Zuko so I don’t freak him out by seething about Ozai. I’m not going to bring it unto him, I honestly don’t want him to know that I know because I want Zuko to open up to me when he’s ready. So I’ll just hold onto this information, just let it fester inside of me until I’m given the opportunity to express my true feelings. I have no business bringing up harsh memories to Zuko, especially when he’s adjusting to life here and starting to move on from what brought him to this place. And so I’ll put on a mask of apathy as we descend the street, hiding my contempt.</p><p>“Y/N, I’m going to take this lovely flower home, would you mind just waiting here with Zuko?” Iroh’s statement shows pure intentions, but I can tell that he clearly meant for this to happen. And hey, I don’t mind being alone with Zuko, we’ve spent a great many afternoons just the two of us at the shop, but I don’t exactly want to look willing to be in that position after Iroh and Yi’s previous exchange about our friendship. I just nod in return, slowing my breathing as Iroh departs further into the lower ring. I sigh, not wanting to face Zuko or see his scar again after hearing about that bastard, I don’t even consider why Iroh thought it’d benefit me to hear about all of this. Iroh’s a very wise man, so he probably had good intentions and I don’t doubt that he believes that I’ll learn something from this. It’s nice to know that he trusts me enough to open up about this, I guess I should be grateful for what information I attained and be content with that.</p><p>I step inside the shop, making a beeline for the counter because I’ve started sitting there rather than a table. Not like there’s any underlying meaning, it’s just easier to hold a conversation with Zuko if I’m closer to his workplace than a regular seat. It’s not an official dining area, but Pao seems to like me so he allows it. Speaking of which, Pao’s starting to grow on me too and I think it’s because I spend most of my free time in his shop. Pao waves fondly as I draw closer to my seat, tapping Zuko’s shoulder as he disappears into the back of the shop. Zuko comes to meet me as I descend into my seat, leaning forward because it really is a comfortable spot. “You’re early.” Zuko comments, still wiping the inside of a used teapot with a cleaning rag.</p><p>“I’m early? I didn’t know there was a schedule for me to consult.” I laugh, Zuko blushing at my reply. It’s so easy to be comfortable around him now, I’m not sure why it took me so long to be this casual with him. My instinct was to say something out of respect when I entered the shop, but Zuko could be having a really good day and I don’t want to make him relive some memories that he’d rather forget. “Y’know what, here,” I pull out a folded piece of parchment from my pocket, one I always keep on me in case I need to record observations of the Dai Li. I smooth it out, sliding it towards Zuko. “Write down your work shift so I don’t come early again.” Zuko rolls his eyes, reaching down towards the drawer to retrieve some sort of writing utensil. He just draws an ‘x’ across the paper, not meaning anything else but just because that’s what everyone does when they’re offered a piece of paper. </p><p>“I wasn’t saying that you couldn’t come, I just didn’t expect you here so soon.” Zuko looks away, which piques my interest because why doesn’t he want me here early? It’s probably because he doesn’t really like surprises, which is understandable, so I just let my suspicions slide. I glance around me towards the other customers, business is quite slow at this time in the afternoon so there’s only three others in the far corners of the shop. So if I spoke louder, they could most definitely overhear my conversation and I can say that with certainty because I used to do the very same thing. I neatly crease the paper into quarters before slipping it back into my pocket.</p><p>“You should be grateful that I came early.” I lean forward, resting my chin on my fist while starting up at Zuko with a mischievous stare. I’m not planning anything bad, I promise, but if I give this kind of expression I can usually coerce someone into telling me a secret. And I’m rather bored, I have no other plans for the night, so I just need something to mentally stimulate me for the time being. Zuko, despite being a very interesting and complex person, opts for speaking like the most boring person known to man. So maybe I expected too much of him with just one look.</p><p>“I should?”</p><p>“Yeah, you look positively bored,” I straighten my position, leaning my head back and eyeing Zuko through low eyelids, “and I’m the most entertaining person you’ll see all day.” So I may or may not have practiced saying that and other lines like that in my room this morning, but I’ll pretend that I’m just naturally this cool. Which, I will admit, is quite true of me but my execution with phrasing often gets jumbled so I have to practice these things. For as unpredictable a person as Zuko, it’s still pretty easy for me to assume what he’ll say so I can practice what I’ll say. It’s perfectly normal to practice what you say for your friends, right? Given, I’ve never done this with Jin, but she and I are a different kind of friends than Zuko and I so it’s a different situation. Zuko looks amused, setting down the tea pot and resting against the side of the countertop to match my relaxed stance. </p><p>“That’s debatable,” Zuko continues to play my game, acting a little more teasing than usual. It shouldn’t internally shock me as much as it does, but Zuko is very blunt and doesn’t joke around with me in this way so I don’t know what’s up with him. It’s not a bad thing by any means, it’s just out of the ordinary. I can tell that he’s trying though, he’s really trying to match my energy so I’ll give credit where credit’s due, but I still can’t fight the urge to laugh at him for acting so cool. It’s not like him, it’s making him lose his usual Zuko charm. And as much as I enjoy people that don’t take offence to my teases, I think the reason I gravitate to Zuko so much is because he does. It’s hard to explain.</p><p>I open my mouth in a fake offended expression, Zuko raising the back of his hand to cover his mouth from laughter. He’s really feeling bold today, isn’t he? “I see you’re still a liar, but alright, alright.” I raise my hands weakly in surrender, rolling my eyes to match Zuko’s similar reaction. As my eyes complete their rotation, they fall towards Zuko’s hand, which is firmly gripping he countertop. So it really is just a facade, he’s so fucking nervous and anxious about trying to act this way that he doesn’t even have enough strength to physically relax. His words may be misleading, but I can tell a liar from their body language, and Zuko doesn’t pass my test. “What have you been up to today, waiter-boy?”</p><p>I used to find it strange that Zuko and I are rarely interrupted when I come to the shop, but I’m starting to realise why. Pao always puts extra effort into covering the other tables, which is strange because that’s not his job at the shop. Even if Zuko begins to move to attend to a customer, Pao somehow teleports over and beats him there. It’s amusing to watch from the corner of my eyes, seeing this elderly man stumble around after years of not doing so just to not disturb Zuko. And yet he never seems irritated with this task either. “There weren’t many customers today, so it’s been pretty boring for the most part.” Zuko doesn’t elaborate more, which is understandable because he spends all of his free time here. I don’t think he and Iroh have rigid shifts, they just work for the entire day and can leave when they want, as long as it’s not too frequent.</p><p>“Thank god I came early then, you might’ve died from doing nothing.” I turn around to scan the shop again, as if something would’ve changed from the last time I did five minutes ago. Absolutely desolate, Zuko’s not exaggerating when he says that business was slow because there’s little sign of disturbance or clean-up that a normal day would produce. So to spur some business, Pao’s going to need some sort of crowd-drawer or entertainment to bring people towards his shop. “I think you should channel your old dancing skills from when you were on the streets to draw in some more customers.” I wink, watching as Zuko’s suave facade fades to annoyance.</p><p>“I told you I didn’t do that, it was just my uncle!” I swear, now that I know he’s a fire bender, I feel more confident in my speculation that steam comes off of him when he gets irritated. </p><p>“Ayy cool it hothead, I was just joking.” I cross my right leg over the left, holding my tea cup by its rim because I’m not really up to drinking tea just yet. There’s nothing wrong with the tea here, it’s fucking fantastic, but I’m just not thirsty at the moment and I rather like this pose I’m in. Zuko tries to regain his composure as if he didn’t just snap over an obvious tease, which leads me to believe that because work was slow it stressed him out. Poor kid, he’s too high strung for his own damn good. Too much business, he’s stressed that he’s not going to do a good job and he gets overstimulated, too little and he’s anxious that he’s done something wrong or something is keeping people from coming. </p><p>“Well how was your day?” Zuko doesn’t want to give me eye contact, I suppose he’s embarrassed from his previous snap so he’s just trying to carry the conversation. It’s a vast improvement from how he acted when I first met him, he’d just shut off and refuse to acknowledge my presence until I asked him the same question like five times. I realise how much I’m reminiscing on the past, but it’s just so amazing to me to see how much Zuko’s grown to be more comfortable with me. And, despite what drunk me claimed (I only know about that because Zuko mentioned it when we were on a walk two days after), I have to say I enjoy Zuko a lot more than I liked Lee. Not like-like, it’s not like that and I know that the more I tell myself that it’s not that way, the more it’ll become that way. </p><p>“Equally as boring as your’s, it seems that everyone in the city decided to desert their local businesses.” I nurse my tea slowly, the back of my ring finger resting against my top lip with every sip. “I’m usually pretty in-tune with what’s going on in the city, I guess you’ve become too much of a distraction that I must’ve missed something.” Y’know, I’m not denying that I’m being a bit of a flirt now because I love watching Zuko getting flattered. It’s funny, when I still believed in happy endings and that I could be loved by someone, I used to imagine my ideal man being blunt and flirtatious and a good fighter. I guess I accepted that I would never find that in another person, so I just became that way myself to ease whatever part of my mind desired that. If I couldn’t get that person in my life, then I’d become that person myself.</p><p>Yet there’s some part of me that still feels inferior beside Zuko, it’s probably because I know he’s a literal prince now. But even before then, he always just seemed to find that one weakness of mine to break me down and make me into some terrified mess. Not in a bad way, it’s healthy to express your true self and not remain behind a coping facade, but I’ve spent so long making sure no one could make me cry of feel soft and yet here Zuko is. This pasty, aloof, scarred, talented, awkward, attractive, confusing man that just has to say ‘hey’ to me to send me into self-doubt and vulnerability. The more I talk, the more it sounds like I’m not trying to diss Zuko or say that he’s bad for me because I really don’t think so, I may feel at a disadvantage, but I also feel so fucking happy whenever I see him and I feel so at peace in his arms that I never ever want to leave. And yet I do, I need to face reality and realise that Zuko won’t last forever and I’m better off being independent. That’s how I am, that’s how I’ve always been, and that’s how I’ll always be. </p><p>Over time I’ve wondered whether or not I have my priorities in check, or rather if I really know what I want. I can distinctly recall what I wanted the most over the past twelve years of living in Ba Sing Se. At four all I wanted was for my mom to come back, but she never did. Then at five I just wanted to be included with Maou’s Triad, not knowing what hell would ensue. At six I just wanted a friend, and then I met Jin the year after. When I was seven I wanted a break from the rigorous training Maou forced on me, but that never happened. When I was eight I wanted to be a normal non bender and not have to hide everything that made me who I am. At nine I wanted to be happy, and at ten I wanted to feel emotions. At eleven I wanted my new mother, Yi, to love me, though she never showed it. At twelve I wanted Maou to act as an actual parent and get rid of my attacker, but he never did. At thirteen I wanted the courage to fight Scar off of me, and at fourteen I just wanted to be loved. At fifteen I wanted alcohol, something to quell what emptiness I felt, and now that I’m sixteen I’m utterly lost.</p><p>I don’t know what I want, I don’t know why I value some things more than others when I really shouldn’t, and I don’t know why I feel this way. I have to constantly repeat to myself about how I’m independent, how it’s how I function best, but I just feel like that’s a lie. I guess I just assumed that I’m better off alone because I’ve spent my entire life alone. I can’t distinctly think of a time that I had a good support system, especially not when I was at my lowest points so I’m used to this feeling. And that’s why I’m scared to get attached to people, I’m scared that I’ll let them down in their time of need or that I won’t be the person they need me to be. So whenever I’m around Zuko, I can’t decide if I want to pull him into my embrace or push him away and make him forget that I even exist. </p><p>It’s because I can’t decide what’s best for him. I know that what’s best for me is to get closer to him, to use him as my support system and comfort him when he needs it too. But I have no idea what Zuko thinks of me, for all I know, I could just drag him down by getting closer. I’m so confused, I don’t want to make Zuko an addiction to me but I don’t want to force myself away from someone that’s making me feel more alive. I don’t want to put all of my emotional baggage onto Zuko, but I don’t want to leave him if he’s growing to be more dependent on me. And I know Zuko well enough to know that he’s not going to just tell me how he’s feeling, like hell I would either, so I really feel lost. I don’t have anyone to consult, not like I have to consult anyone, but I’m so scared that no matter what I do I’m just going to hurt those around me. Because that’s what I do best. </p><p>“If anyone’s the distraction here, it’s you.” My ears perk up at that, his hoarse voice always drags me out of whatever depressive thoughts I marinate in. “You show up to my job every day, talking to me so I can’t attend to customers.” Here we go, this is the Zuko I befriended. Defensive, accusatory, and downright too serious for the given situation. I like it a lot more than how he was acting prior, though I could never tell him that because he’d get insecure. I want to laugh, because Zuko never seems particularly motivated or excited to serve those that are paying him, yet here he is acting like that’s his one passion in life. I finish off my tea, because I realise I hadn’t drank any of it whilst evaluating my own desires and issues.</p><p>It’s not like our conversation took that much of a break, my mind just slows everything down around me when I’m trying to contemplate my existence. I remember the night on Jet’s rooftop when I proposed to Zuko that we should think about our place in the universe, because now whenever we’re at a loss for words we just say that and make the other laugh. “Hey, I don’t spend every day here.” There’s been at least two in the past month where I was preoccupied with Yi or Jin and couldn’t visit my other friend, I would’ve expected Zuko to remember that. “And you never tell me that you’re busy.” He can try to deny this all he wants, but during these particular past two weeks, Zuko practically abandoned his job when I came to visit. </p><p>Zuko splutters, formulating a rebuttal to my claim that’s completely valid and we both know that. “Of course I’m busy at my job!” There he goes, his steaming irritation evident as he slams his tea cup onto the counter. It normally would attract the attention of someone in the shop, however there’s barely anyone here that would care about some whiny teenager’s outburst.<br/>
“Then why aren’t you doing it?” I sneer, smiling like a little bitch as I lean closer to Zuko’s face until we’re mere inches away. His amber eyes flicker between both of mine, trying to focus because he hasn’t mastered the ability of staring into both of someone’s eyes. I smile wider as he gets embarrassed, him leaning back with pinking cheeks. I don’t know why he still hides his blushes from me, I still see them nonetheless and he just makes it more obvious when he turns away. Zuko’s very pale, it’s natural that his cheeks will flush more brightly than the regular citizen of Ba Sing Se.</p><p>“Because- because you’re here.”</p><p>I nearly fall out of my chair, thank god Zuko’s still turned away because what the fuck? How can he just say something like that? I know he doesn’t really mean it in the way that my broken mind interpreted it, but he should know better than just putting ideas in my head. I cling onto what little and meaningless kindness is shown to me because I grew up without appraisal or compliments, and now I was just told that I’m more valued than a job by someone I respect. He didn’t mean it that way, stop fantasising and imaging scenarios that will never happen dumbass. I bat my eyelashes, taking on my arrogant persona to cover up what flattery and confusion and surprise that I feel. “Aww, am I more important than your job?”


“No!” He still sounds frustrated, slightly raising his shoulders and he tenses more. “You’re just less boring.” Thank you, and I truly mean that. I’m not thinking straight, I haven’t been thinking straight since the party and I don’t need anyone else giving me more false hope about something that will never happen. It’s never going to work out between Zuko and I, I don’t want it to, so I need him to remind me to remember my place. I had no right to just assume that he was into me because he and I went stargazing together, it’s one of the only normal things you can do in the city. We have lots in common, that’s why we spend so much time talking with each other, no other reason. And about the night of the party, and decent person would help their drunk friend home, it wasn’t like Zuko wanted to spend ‘alone time’ with me. It never was that way between us, and it never will be because it just isn’t.<br/>

“Wow thanks Lee, I really feel appreciated when you put it that way.” Of course I was sarcastic with this, I still feel a little bitter in my head because I tried to convince myself that something could happen. It’s not Zuko’s fault at all, it’s mine of trying to over-romanticise this situation. I have nothing glamorous about my life, so I guess I tried to make this into something that it isn’t. So it’s better to just condition myself to stop thinking this way and proceed with my normal routine. God, these little mental rants I’ve been going on lately are so depressing but I’m using them as some sort of coping mechanism. I don’t want to write it down where someone else could see, but as long as I’m processing that I have issues its a start; I lived in denial for so long that this is the best I’m going to get.</p><p>Zuko sighs, shaking his head as we both stare down in silence. I set my teacup down onto the counter, spinning it on its bottom to pass the time. Zuko’s eyes fall to the motion because that’s what normal people do, and we both just watch as its rotations are guided by my pointer finger. Zuko clears his throat, running a hand through his hair before taking on a powerful stance. “I realise that I’m always making you tea,” he proposes, clearly eager to unload some genius idea he possesses onto me. I doubt his proposition will be that revolutionary, but I’ll entertain the thought because I’m still bored and Iroh seems to be taking his sweet time running to the house.</p><p>“Kinda interesting isn’t it,” I nod my head lightly, slowing the teacups rotation so it settles on its base. “Your tea-making is the reason my hands are like this, and yet I still come basically every day just to put myself in the situation again.” Zuko doesn’t look as guilty now as when he did after the incident first happened, but I think it’s because I’ve constantly reiterated how I’m not upset with him. It’s funny, thinking how Zuko’s permanently scarred me and I still have thoughts of abandoning him to ‘protect’ both of us. Zuko might move on if we part ways, but I’ll always have this physical reminder of our friendship. “What can I say, I like to live dangerously.”</p><p>“Well, I’m never going to scar you again and to make sure of that,” Zuko reaches across the counter, dragging over a teapot that was resting so daintily that I thought it was meant for show. “I’m going to teach you how to make tea yourself.” Zuko doesn’t wait for my nod of approval, he continues to reach around his workspace and pull out the other needed materials for this endeavour. I furrow my brow, slightly leaning back because I didn’t sign up for a tea brewing lesson and I don’t want to embarrass myself publicly by failure. I thought the two of us established that I don’t do well with being close to teapots, technically it was somewhat my fault that the blanket’s corner was upturned which led me to get burned.</p><p>I just push my nervousness aside, rising from my seat to walk to the other side of the counter because Zuko’s putting so much effort into setting this up for me that I’d be a bitch to refuse. “Fine, but when I become a better tea maker than you, you’ll only have yourself to blame.” I roll my sleeves to my forearms, still making some kind of attempt to hide my palms because I don’t want Zuko to look at the physical reminder of the incident. It still bothers him to some extent, as much as I wish it wasn’t so, so I put in effort to not show the damage. I wonder if Zuko was preparing for this beforehand or if the tea shop is just conveniently arranged, because it takes him rather no time at all to lay out two cups, the teapot, a strainer, a pouch of tea leaves, and some sort of burner. </p><p>“Yeah right, you can’t even drink tea without spilling it on yourself, what makes you think you can be better than me?” Zuko retorts, alluding back to the past fifteen times where I’ve gotten startled by something he said or moved my arm too much that my cups shaken and flicked the smallest drop of tea onto the table. I opened my mouth to say ‘yeah well neither can you’ but I already teased him about the rooftop incident. Hey, it’s a fitting response but I got a reputation as being original, I can’t use the same joke that close together. I just suck in my pride, leaning on the counter beside him and watching expectantly for Zuko to prompt his lesson. It was his idea, so I’m not going to lend any helping hand to make this ultimately failed idea succeed for him.</p><p>“I’m a fast learner, try me.” For once in my life, I actually shut the fuck up around someone I was comfortable with and just listened to Zuko narrate the different steps of making tea in the (presumably) Fire Nation way. I’m not too humble to admit that I’m a great listener, because I really do have a knack for leaning back and letting someone, well, usually Jin if I’m being honest, rant about their feelings and supplement with a nod or just repeat something they said to emphasise a point. Because most of the time, someone would rather talk and let out their emotions without feeling judged or given unwarranted advice. I find it hard to do this with Zuko, mostly because he’s more of the listener out of the two of us and two listeners can’t hold a conversation. But for once he talks, explains, not feeling insecure or unsure of himself because he’s confident in his ability. That makes one of us.</p><p>I feel like I could watch Zuko for hours, seeing him get enthralled about getting to share something he enjoys with me. I think now that the two of us have realised how similar we are, he’s excited to have something, even if it is rather trivial, that he has over me. But beside his somewhat indoctrinated competitive nature, he’s willing to take this as an opportunity to teach me and share this knowledge. I personally don’t understand the lure of teaching someone else, it just ends up frustrating me and I constantly remind myself how it would’ve gone better if I had just done it myself. And I never saw Zuko as particularly patient either, that seems more in Iroh’s area of expertise but then again he’s been acting weirdly ever since the party. As if he’s wanted to say something but he’s clearly not good with words so I’m stuck with trying to interpret his actions.</p><p>I don’t know who gave Zuko these ideas for instructing me, but I personally think it’d be easier to demonstrate tea brewing from beside me rather than how he is now. It’s the same stance he took on when he taught me some long blade technique that I honestly forgot about. I guess he assumes that standing behind me and only showing some disembodied arms would help me visualise doing it myself, but I find it somewhat inconvenient. When Maou was instructing me, he merely described the technique he wanted me to do or had me watch someone from a distance and trust my own ability to conjure up the same motion. It was never a perfect replica, but I suppose having Zuko practically lean against me is somewhat motivating to try to make myself act perfectly. I can’t lie to myself any longer. </p><p>My heart’s fluttering, if you can even call it that, but I can’t think of another word to describe this feeling. It’s subtle and quick-paced, but it always gets more intense when Zuko gets close to me. Every time I come to visit him at work, whenever I gaze in his eyes, and that minuscule smile he cracks after nearly an hour’s worth of me trying to get some reaction. It’s not that noticeable to someone who isn’t looking, but it always feels more amplified in my mind. A jolt of excitement when I hear his voice, a little pep in my step when I go to see him, my heartbeat skipping whenever someone mentions him, it’s entirely disgusting. I shouldn’t be feeling this way about him, I mean, maybe I do like him. But only a little. Not enough to act on, and it’s just best to ignore them until they go away. But my god does Zuko make that hard sometimes. </p><p>“Here,” I was just watching Zuko talk about something he’s passionate about, however now it’s become a hands-on lesson because the next thing I know my fingers are getting forcibly wrapped around the handle of the teapot. My left hand quivers when he removes his grasp, the sudden weight startling me and snapping me back from some dream reality. He holds my right hand in his, clutching a teacup with more force than necessary but I’m assuming he doesn’t want me to accidentally drop it. Which I might. He guides the cup closer, resting about an inch below the teapot and I refuse to angle it. “When you’re pouring tea, pour it along the edge of the cup so it doesn’t spill.” I try to tip my hand carefully, but I feel myself shake.</p><p>God, since when did he get this close? I mean, I don’t mind having Zuko like this I guess but we’re in public and he’s not showing any shyness while standing directly behind me to show me how to pour tea. I’m not an idiot, I know how to pour drinks correctly but I guess this was important enough for him to point out. The stream of tea that descends from the pot is spiralling, making a wider streak on the side of the cup than necessary. “Your pulse is racing,” Zuko quietly remarks, and if my hands weren’t shaking already they most definitely were now. I nearly drop the teacup, the insides sloshing around as I teeter forward and Zuko instinctively grasps my waist to steady me. Of course my pulse is racing, dumbass, it doesn’t fucking stop racing around you just because of your existence.</p><p>I can’t turn back to face him, I can’t set the teacup down, and I can’t stop my heart from beating faster. So I just tense in my position, my grip still unsteady but I try to recalibrate myself. “I just get nervous around-“ You. Well, not nervous but anxious because I’m suddenly afraid to mess up or look dumb in front of you because your opinion matters to me. “-tea.” Zuko gives a strange look, the only reason I can see him is because his distorted reflection is shown in the teacup. He mutters something along the lines of ‘that’s weird’ and I don’t protest because it’s probably the lamest excuse I’ve ever given someone. Miraculously, I’m able to successfully pour another cup to satisfy Zuko’s test of my skill. Throughout his lesson, he never actually had me do anything on my own or prove that I retained the knowledge, I mostly just watched him and did the bare minimum.</p><p>Before he could make me do something else, I forcibly set down the teapot so I don’t have to become another employee. Zuko takes that as a signal that my attention span was up, so he opted to continue our flirtatious conversation from before. We both lean against the counter in opposing ways, Zuko resting his lower back and forearms on the rim and me bending forward to face the outside of the shop. “I’m glad I didn’t pay attention to you,” I muse, staring at our distant reflection in the shop window from the indoor lighting. “If I started making tea on my own, I wouldn’t have an excuse to spend my afternoons here.” Zuko smiles softly, exhaling in a ‘hmph’ sound to show his approval. It seems as though this is all we’ve done the past week, every night we’ve ended up in this exact position with the same grounds for conversation. </p><p>I used to be comfortable around Zuko, ready to tell him anything and everything about myself and cancel whatever meaningless plans I had throughout the day just to spend time with him. But today things are different, just since Yi called Zuko my boyfriend. I’m fucking amazing at denying my feelings and repressing them for the sake of others, but I guess that broke me in a sense. We’re not ‘something more than a friendship’ because we have so much in common, it’s because I think I like Zuko. I’m saying ‘I think’ because this is so new and confusing to me and maybe I’m overdramatising it a bit but it kinda feels like how Jin used to describe her crushes. I never had one before, well that’s a lie, there was a kid that I saw like twice when I was fourteen, but I never even learned his name because I was too shy to even wave at him. </p><p>The people in Ba Sing Se are akin to the scum that develops in dank areas, none of them are really good people or have enough sense to realise the extreme red flags of the government. I would propose an uprising, having a powerful group like the Triad take rulership, however I don’t want to feel more of an obligation to stay here. But, pardon my ramble, there were few that I ever considered my friends, much less someone to be romantically attracted to. So I hate this feeling, I can’t understand it and I can’t hide it well and I can’t tell anyone so I’m stuck. What’s someone like me even supposed to do? I look over my shoulder to face Zuko, watching him stare straight in front of him while rambling about something trivial and thinking about why the hell the universe has to torture me this way. Which god decided I haven’t been through enough shit and sent this fire bender to Ba Sing Se but made it so we couldn’t be together?</p><p>I can’t see his scar from here, and for just one second I could pretend that neither of us were scarred or hurt or abandoned and that maybe things could’ve been normal. But that’s too far gone of an option and we probably wouldn’t get along if things were different. I angle my head to the side, batting my eyes slowly as silence overrides our former conversation. This is gonna hurt, I’m breaking my own heart over something that’s never happened. I don’t like to just accept defeat this easily, but if I entertain this thought for too long it’s going to destroy me. “Why are you staring at me?” Zuko randomly asks and I blink quickly, averting my gaze back towards the window and the awkward view outside.</p><p>Of course now my cheeks get all pink even though I just spent the last forty five minutes trying to convince myself that they shouldn’t be and why the hell isn’t Iroh back yet? I know he purposely left to give me and Zuko some time alone, but it’s really been awhile so my only explanation is that he’s trying to clean the entire apartment for me. Which is really sweet if he is, but I could care less about the cleanliness if I’m being perfectly honest. “Don’t be dumb, I wasn’t staring at you.” I don’t act like Zuko and dramatically turn around to hide my face, so I just strain my eyes while trying to stare outside of the shop. But because it’s night it just reflects my position and I have to watch myself get all heated as Zuko calls me out for zoning out. </p><p>“Yeah you were.”</p><p>“Nah, if anything I was staring at your work uniform.”</p><p>“What’s wrong with my uniform?” Zuko looks down at his apron, tugging at the edge as if there was some stain or crease that would draw my attention. He clearly is perplexed by me, desperately trying to find the source of my gaze. It’s endearing, really, but I mentally slap myself on my wrists every time I think that way because I need to get out of this mindset so I’m just going to find something, anything to divert my attention so I don’t have to look at Zuko. I squint my eyes, trying to focus on some movement outside of the shop and across the street but it’s very blurry and I’m not sure if I imagined it. </p><p>“Nothing. It looks nice on you.” I’m not lying, Earth Kingdom clothing really does suit him, considering he’s a foreigner and all. I wonder what he’d look like in traditional Fire Nation garb, seeing as he was a prince and all and most definitely had to dress all fancy. I don’t think the royal life would ever suit me, and it seems like Zuko’s much happier outside of it but I have a strange inkling that he’s secretly wanting to go back. That’s the difference between him and I, despite us both growing up with abuse and inflicted trauma, he thinks it’ll be better once he returns and I want to get as far away from it as I can. I glance to my right, noticing Zuko’s lack of motion and uncertain expression. “Okay, now you’re staring at me.”</p><p>We engage in a stare-off for what feels like an eternity but I break it off, going back to focus on the movement outside because it’s getting clearer. Zuko clutches his hand tightly, tapping his finger against the back of his other palm as if he’s building up the courage to admit something. I narrow my eyes more, making out two figures standing together in the adjacent alleyway that are conversing with one another, and judging by the taller’s somewhat frantic movements its definitely somewhat heated. I find myself leaning more forward, trying to make out more of these people because they seem strangely familiar and I find myself slowly straightening my position because oh fuck that’s Jin and Jet. “Uhh can I ask you-“</p><p>“Oh my god-“ I interrupt Zuko, refusing to break my stare from the window as I awkwardly maneuver my way around him, pushing my hand against my shoulder as I quicken my jog out of the shop. I can’t tell exactly what’s going on and maybe I’m making it more dramatic than it really is but I still don’t trust Jet after the previous incident with Jin so I don’t want to blame myself for not intervening. The shop door swings closed behind me, the light reflecting onto the duo to confirm my suspicion that it’s my best friend and her boyfriend. Zuko waits in his position, still holding his hand somewhat outstretched to where I was standing before slumping his shoulders in disappointment. </p><p>“You can’t keep shutting me out, Jet!” Jin storms after him, following Jet to some secluded alleyway where she can confront him about everything. Ever since Jet snapped about two weeks ago, he’s been different and acting weirdly. He’ll open his mouth and raise his finger to say something, but always cuts himself off and shakes his head. Jin’s been trying to ask him why he’s been acting strange, but every time she starts that kind of conversation Jet turns away or says it’s not her problem. But it kinda is, they’ve been together for awhile (well, awhile for a teenage relationship) and normally didn’t have any conflict but now Jet’s been isolating himself and staying up late just staring out the window, but not towards Zuko’s house anymore. “You have to talk to me!”</p><p>“Maybe I don’t want to fucking talk to you!” Jet yells back, fierce and attacking but he restrains himself from saying anything too harsh. He’s frustrated because this whole situation is his fault, he brought all of these issues upon himself and now he doesn’t know where to go or who to turn to. Jet initially came to Ba Sing Se with the intent on turning over a new leaf because his eyes were opened to his radicalism when he was defeated in combat by the avatar. But after suspecting Mushi of fire bending on the ferry to the city, he reignited his passionate fight against the Fire Nation, seeing fire benders trying to be sneaky and assimilate into Ba Sing Se society to ultimately corrupt it. </p><p>To be perfectly honest Jet can’t remember much of his parents or when his village was burned to the ground, he can’t differentiate fact from fiction. When he first started the Freedom Fighters, he could still recall everything and frequently recited it to the other orphans to persuade them to hate a common adversary. But as time went on, details became blurry, his mind overcrowded with the horrors of what he’s done in this crusade for peace. But what even is peace anymore? Of course he was seeking his revenge on the Fire Nation before but his methods were rather extreme. After awhile he felt obligated to continue acting with some hatred, more of self loathing for forgetting his past, though he couldn’t find any real justification. Jet felt limited by his one focus, and once thoughts of doubt entered his mind, he felt completely aimless in this new world.</p><p>And then he met Jin. Jet can’t deny that he initially targeted Jin to get closer to Lee, but she really grew on him and acted as some sort of haven and constant support when he felt lost. This girl, one who was already infatuated with him at first sight, and who had no idea about what he’s done, was so willing to love and care for him even though their relationship sprang from a lie. Jet wasn’t sure before, but he knows now: he really, and I mean truly, loves Jin. And he’s consumed with guilt from hiding everything from her, but he’s built such a strong relationship and he’s already lost so much that he doesn’t want to lose her too. Would Jin leave him? After hearing what he’s done, maybe. Jet suspects that Jin’s closest friend isn’t entirely innocent either, so maybe that’s a glimmer of hope that she can forgive him. “Then you’re breaking your promise to me!” Jin cries.</p><p>The promise, in question, was that they wouldn’t hide from each other, or lie to the other when upset. It was Jet’s idea, actually, because Jin was having a breakdown from some family problems and she initially refused to admit anything, but after Jet held her, rocking in their spot for at least an hour he made her promise to never hide something from him if it’s troubling her. And now he’s a hypocrite for not holding himself to the same standard, but he continues to justify it in his head with the fact that these are different situations. Jet’s backed into a corner now, he can’t walk any further from Jin without turning around to pass her but he doesn’t want to see her face, he feels too guilty.</p><p>“Does our relationship mean nothing to you?” Jin’s sobbing now, tears streaming down her face because she feels so betrayed that Jet can’t be honest with her. After everything they’ve been through, it’s been nearly two months of their relationship but Jin’s never felt this intense about anyone and Jet’s never felt anything remotely like this for anyone. He halts in his position, putting his hand against the wall to steady himself because he feels his head shaking, it’s almost as if his world is crumbling around him. Everything he’s fought for, everything he’s built up has been in vain, and now he might lose the one person that’s been keeping him somewhat sane amidst this internal turmoil.</p><p>“No, no, that’s not it!”</p><p>“Then what is it?!”</p><p>“I’m so confused, Jin! I’m lost, this damned city is making me lose my mind!” Jet’s shaking, but Jin can’t bring herself to step forward and hold him or provide words of comfort, no, right now she deserves an explanation more than reducing herself to comfort him. “I- I came here to bring justice against the Fire Nation, but now I’m not sure if that’s even what I want!” Jet spent years of his life dedicated to apprehending and eliminating those that terrorised the rest of the world, but what does it even matter? It’s not like he could’ve eliminated all of them, and in the process of trying to do so he’s lost his own belief in goodness. “Maybe I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing something unattainable, maybe I just want to be with you and pretend that I could be normal!”</p><p>“And what’s stopping you?” Jin lowers her voice, no longer wanting to fight with Jet and choosing to try to calm him down from a distance. Jet’s eyes widen more, because Jin’s absolutely right. Nothing’s stopped him from quitting before, no one was forcing him to, it was just his pride chaining him to this campaign. “Look, I might not understand exactly what you’re going through or how you’re feeling right now, but I want to try. I love you Jet, and seeing you like this hurts me.” Jin takes a step closer to Jet, tentatively holding out her hand like one would to a wild animal in attempt to tame it. “But I can’t understand why you won’t just talk to me.” Her voice breaks, and she withholds her hand, grasping her wrist as if it’s too dangerous to touch Jet. “Don’t I matter to you?”</p><p>“Jin-“ Jet pivots sharply, going to pull Jin against his chest but she resists and steps away. “I love you,“ that’s probably the first time that he’s said it with full meaning, not in some lighthearted way like most couple’s just say in routine. “You mean everything to me, I’d do anything for you.” He steps closer towards her, mimicking the same movements that Jin was doing mere seconds before to him. “You’re the one that makes me want to change, you’re the one that’s making life bearable, I can’t put into words how much I care about you but I’ll try,” Jin turns away from him, holding her head down because she feels ashamed, hurt, and the fact that Jet could switch his attitude so quickly scares her. Because it’s so volatile, Jet could switch back at any second and Jin doesn’t want to get hurt again. “Jin, please look at-“</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing?!” I shout, reaching the alleyway and rushing to Jin because what the hell did I walk in on? Jin accepts my advance, curling her head into my shoulder and shaking her head with each sob. I’m glaring at Jet, anger doesn’t begin to describe the way I’m feeling towards him and although my hand’s resting on Jin’s back, I can easily grab my knife to threaten him. Did he hit her? Is that why she’s crying? Honestly, I don’t care if it was physical anyways, I don’t want to see Jet making Jin cry ever again. Jet raises his hands in some fake surrender, his eyes pleading towards the back of Jin’s head so I cling her tighter to myself. </p><p>“Y/N, it’s not what you think.” Jet bows his head forward, trying to show his weakness to me but my hand still lingers against the side of my thigh where my knife is resting. Jin tips her head to the side, trying to glance at Jet from the corner of her eye so I release some of the tension on her so she can face him better. “Jin, there’s so much I need to tell you.” Jet sighs, running a hand through his thick hair as he musters some way to be cordial because he’s not just apologising to Jin, he’s apologising to me too now. “I know you hate me, and if you don’t, you probably should hate me.” As Jet looks up, it’s evident that his eyes are brimming with tears, I can tell this night’s been pretty eventful and I’m not sure what to make of it. “But I love you, and I always will. So you’ll have that whether you want it or not.” Jet gives up on waiting for me to let Jin go, opting to just walk away and back from the shop.</p><p>“Wait!” Jin pushes me away, making my footing unsteady as she rushes over to Jet. I’m not sure if she’s forgiven him, or what she even has to forgive him for, but I don’t want to pull her away if this is what she wants. And, as hard as it is for me to admit it, I really do think Jet’s a good fit for Jin. No matter what out of context time I stumble into their relationship, she’s always willingly, happily going back to Jet, even if she knows that she’d be safe with me. But I guess I’m getting replaced, if I can even say that, because Jin’s found someone else to go and ran away from me without looking back. “I want to talk to you, I want to make this work, I want you,” Jin doesn’t run into Jet’s arms, still waiting a distance away but she’s clearly intending on going to him. “So let’s just go home and work this out.” </p><p>And just as quickly as I had rushed out, the pair of them were leaving on somewhat good terms back up the road towards Jin’s house. I’ll never understand their relationship perfectly, or even find out what they were saying in the alleyway, but I’ll still be here for Jin. I hope she realises that, or that she hasn’t forgotten it because of our time apart. I’m standing like an idiot, watching the darkness consume the duo as they leave and waiting as if Jin would run back for me. But she won’t. This night hasn’t gone at all as I intended, everything’s seeming to go wrong, or everyone knows something that I don’t and refuses to tell me. And after seeing Jin and Jet’s fight, well, if this is what love is really like, I don’t want it or anything that’d make me even tempt the idea. </p><p>I briskly stride back to the shop, going to pick up my bag that I left on the seat. Zuko’s still inside, waiting for me to return but I can’t meet his eyes. I loop the strap over my shoulder, turning to walk back out and go home. “Y/N!” Zuko steps in front of me to finish saying what he wanted to before, but I just brush past his shoulder and walk out. He reaches to grab for my wrist but I pull my hands to my chest, not wanting to get tethered back by him again. I already dreamed about the slight possibility of having feelings for Zuko, and although it scared me, I enjoyed it too much. So now I have to take myself out of this situation, I have to protect myself and those that I care about before I hurt them. Which means I have to distance myself from Zuko.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Damn this is the longest chapter I've written so far, I wonder if I'll be able to top this</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. "She didn’t come to the shop today so I thought something happened”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm publishing this two minutes before my english exam :,)</p><p>TW// abuse, violence</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You’re so weak,” Maou spat, slapping a rod against my forearms. I flinched with the contact, curling my toes to ease the pain and prevent a yelp. I was a small child since birth, and years of being malnourished made me pretty vulnerable to his hits. “I gave you a place to stay, I protect you, I train you, and this is how you repay me?” Another smack against my arms made them stingingly red, my head cowering to the side because there was going to be more welds tomorrow. I tried to make my hands move, sparking some sort of flame, but it was all in vain. No matter how much I shook while trying to produce something more than a spark in my palm, I felt it burning in my insides. I was overworked, and this continuous strain was taking a toll on my body. It took all of my little strength to not roll over in pure exhaustion, that and the fear of Maou hitting me more. “What do you have to say for yourself?!”</p><p>“I’m sorry, father!” *smack* “I’ll try harder!” *smack* “I deserve to be punished for my weakness!” *smack*</p><p>Maou tossed the metal pole to the ground with a clatter, his hand clawing the back of my shirt and yanking me to my feet. I nearly fell over again, quivering because my legs didn’t have much strength after running twenty laps around the interior of the warehouse. He snapped his fingers sharply, a condensed wall of rock gliding across the floor to the other side of the room and stopping directly in front of me. His control whilst earth bending was phenomenal, down to the very centimetre to show how precise his aim was. “You’re on a mission and your asset is captured by the Dai Li. You have to fight them off quickly and save the target without harming him.” His instructions were clear, but I still couldn’t stand on my own and my arms were throbbing with pain.</p><p>Maou flicked his wrist sharply, the stone turning around to show some person with a dark bag secured over their head and their wrists fastened to the makeshift wall with rock. He tossed me forward towards the scene, briskly rotating his foot to make new stalagmites form and charge towards me to act as the ‘Dai Li’. I was knocked around, shouted at, and it nearly killed me but I somehow managed to conjure some fire to deflect the attacks. But all at once, the stalagmites descended back into the ground and Maou groaned loudly. “You’re too slow, the asset would be gone by now. And unfortunately for your asset, there are no second chances in the real world.” With the same swiftness as the others, the wall and the man attached sunk into the floor, his shouts getting muffled as he suffocated. I never saw him, but it was that moment that I realised how heartless Maou was.</p><p>I wake up in a jolt, sweating, my chest heaving with each gasp of air. Why must I still be tormented by this nightmare, I just want to forget about it but apparently I can’t forget the things that hurt me the most. My arms sting instinctively with the memory, begging for some release as if they haven’t completely healed. As time went on, I grew more immune to Maou’s abuse and my tears, but I still haven’t emotionally recovered. I haven’t felt my insides burn like that in so long, but that doesn’t mean that they still haven’t been eating away at me. Lately I’ve been noticing some strange scarring on my arms after practicing my bending, ones that would come from being burned however I haven’t burned myself in over a year. Because I’m losing control, my power’s becoming unhinged over time and I don’t know what to do to stop it. So I’m just going to ignore it. </p><p>I pull my pillow closer to my chest, draping my arm over it and nestling my head into the feathers as if it could protect me from my feelings. I’ve adopted this habit as of late, ever since the night on the rooftop with Zuko. Before then, despite being touch starved my entire life, I never found the pleasure or comfort in getting held because I was always the one to hold Jin. And then I met Zuko, and he fucked up everything I thought I knew and is breaking down all of the emotionless masks that I hide behind. I cling to my pillow tighter, imagining it was Zuko there and that he would say something blunt and not inherently comforting because Zuko’s not like that and god just imagining his voice puts me at ease. But then I open my eyes and realise that I’m alone in the dark, Zuko’s not here, and I’m just left to fight against my demons on my own. Which is what I wanted, right?</p><p>Zuko rolls over in his bed, the past few night have been rather restless and his uncle’s incessant teasing hasn’t helped the matter. He’d wake up in the early hours of the morning, yearning to be out of the apartment rather than being haunted by his past. It’s always the same nightmare- he’s on his knees, pleading for mercy as a shadowed phantom approaches him, cupping a misty hand over the left side of his face and channeling some hellfire to never let him forget. Immediately after he was rushed to the infirmary, getting treated by various panicked nurses that weren’t sensitive to his pain and insistent on trying to remove the charred skin. They said he’d never be able to see correctly out of his left eye again, so his last memory with perfect vision was his own father scarring him in front of the entirety of the Fire Nation capital.</p><p>Ozai never said he loved Zuko, never tried to even fake it for that matter. Yet so many of the palace attendees insisted that Ozai scarred and banished him because he loved him. Zuko’s never trusted the power of ‘love’ because everyone’s that supposedly loved him has brought him hurt or left, and if they haven’t it’s just a matter of time until so. He rests his cheek against his pillow, gently laying his palm on the softness and burying his scar to conceal it. He can hide it all he wants, but the memory will never leave and the damage’s been done. And everyone he passes on the street insists of giving strange looks, whispering behind their hands as if that would hide what they were saying. It never sat right with Zuko that people would stare, they have no remote conception of what he’s been through or why he’s like this but they’ll just assume to quell some mystery.</p><p>It’s funny, every time his mind wanders towards that dark place and those troubling thoughts, he always finds himself thinking about her. She came by every day, always dragging him out on some adventure that he pretended that he was indifferent to, but in reality it was the one thing he looked forward to. Zuko would’ve never admitted it, but his uncle’s constant pestering about her made him question his feelings. I mean, that’s how friendships are, right? Not wanting to spend time apart, feeling excited whenever you hear their name, imagining doing anything and everything with them, and feeling a twinge of jealousy if you hear about them somewhere without you. But then he relayed a fraction of those thoughts to his uncle, and the next thing he knew Iroh chose to refer to her as his girlfriend to be a tease.</p><p>While cuddling my pillow, I angle my wrist upwards to gaze at my scarred hands in the piercing moonlight that penetrates through my window. Indentations coloured to a dull red trace across my palm, only leaving a few areas to retain my natural complexion. The night I faced Zuko unknowingly, Maou sent for his healer because my leg would’ve taken months to heal and he needed me to be in prime condition. They couldn’t fix my hands, mostly because it was cuts rather than broken bones, and they wouldn’t have been able to fix these scars. My hands aren’t smooth and delicate anymore, just worn and battered as my adversaries grow stronger. I instinctively clench my thighs together, covering the self-inflicted scars down there so they can never see the light of day and just maybe if I hold myself tight enough they could disappear. </p><p>Why did it have to be me? We both wonder, willing to do anything to erase the past, or to go back in time and protect ourselves. Growing up, I just wanted to be normal but I was abandoned and preyed upon and forced into becoming some killing machine. Zuko wanted a loving family, but he was left alone with a man that resented him and was begging for an excuse to kill him. We cling to our pillows tighter, a soft tear brimming in the corner of my eye as I try to cling onto whatever happy memories I can conjure if I just focus on the night on the rooftop. That big, open sky looming above us was dimly lit by various constellations, something so expansive and unknown should’ve been terrifying but we had each other so there was nothing to fear. I want to see Zuko, I want to hold him, I want to be with him and damn why am I like this?</p><p>She’s hiding something, and Zuko doesn’t have any remote idea of what it is. Her eyes always dart around when they go on their night walks, as if she’s trying to catch someone spying on them. She refuses to talk about Maou unless it’s somewhat prompted, and he has no clue as to why that is. He would’ve tried to look around when he was last at her house, mostly because everything’s strangely orderly and not suspicious. There’s something going on behind closed doors, something she’s afraid to show which just piques his interest more. Zuko glances out the window, as if the sun would suddenly rise and he’d be able to go out without Iroh getting worried. So to pass the time, he just plans what he’s going to do tomorrow when she comes to the shop, teasing the idea of admitting that he might just be into her. </p><p>I hate that I feel this way. I was raised to not value human life, not even my own, and to not forge connections because I never knew when someone would be replaced. It’s been hard enough calling Jin my friend, I’ve been tormented for years worrying about her getting used against me or randomly disappearing without an explanation for her. And now I feel the same way, no, that’s underplaying it, I feel it more for Zuko and I can’t stop. I want to go to him and never leave, I want to run away with him from this hell, I want to make him happy because I’m too far gone for that. I want to be the one he goes to when he’s feeling down, I want to wake up and see him laying beside me, and god do I want to kiss him. But then I open my eyes and bring myself back to reality, where I’m alone in my room at two in the morning. </p><p>This feeling is dangerous, it’s fucking unprecedented too because nothing that Zuko’s done should’ve made me feel this way. He’s just been a normal friend, I mean, it’s perfectly normal for friends to do what we’ve done so why do I feel this way? And why do I have to feel this way for Zuko, he’s too good to have to deal with my emotional baggage alongside of his and I’d never want to hurt him. But he’s been on my mind all day, I can’t stop thinking about his eyes as he’s been running through my brain. And when tomorrow comes, I’ll never see him again because it’s too much for me to handle. Maybe I’ll go and stay with someone else for awhile, make Yi convince Zuko that I ran away so he doesn’t go to the shop. I just can’t face him anymore, I don’t want to start something that I won’t be able to finish.</p><p>I’ll never forget him, not because of the scars on my hands but he’s so outlandish that it’d take my entire memory being wiped to not see him in my mind. There’s just too much going on around me, too much with me and it’s too dangerous to get Zuko involved. Sure, I guess I like to live dangerously but if anything happened to him I’d never forgive myself. I stroke my pillow tentatively, imagining that this is my formal goodbye to Zuko before I leave his life forever. We’d be laying under the lone tree on the hill, stargazing and reliving what little happy memories I have. I’d say something like ‘I’m doing this to protect you, okay? I never wanted to hurt you, but it’s safer if you just forget me.' and Zuko wouldn’t protest, not wanting to make it harder for me. And that would be the last time we see each other, the last time we hold each other, the last time I’d feel cared for by someone. I know my life’s depressing enough that I don’t have to make these little scenarios to make me feel worse, but this encounter’s inevitable.</p><p>Except it wouldn’t be, because I wouldn’t give myself the pleasure of going on a date with Zuko because it’d hurt us more. It’s easy to say that I’m over someone if I’m not seeing them, if I don’t have to reminisce on the past and good times with them. The real challenge is to see Zuko and see his dumb little face and hear his raspy voice and have the courage to say ‘I don’t want this anymore’. And then have to walk away knowing you hurt the one person that you’d never want to hurt. I intertwine my hands in my hair, pulling harshly and clinging to my scalp as if my head’s going to split open from all of this. I want to just scream in agony, so betrayed by my normally heartless nature for this person that would never see me in the same way.</p><p>Zuko flops the back of his head on his pillow, clasping his hands against his chest as he keeps repeating his script in his mind to the tune of his uncle’s breathing. He’d wait for the shop to close and invite her on a walk, and of course she wouldn’t say no because that’s what they always do. They’d walk to this one fountain he saw while out on night, talk for a bit more, and then he’d tell her. Not coming off too desperate, in case she rejects him, and she probably will because she doesn’t see him that way. But then his uncle can’t tease him about being too scared to admit it, and if she never comes back to the shop it just wasn’t meant to be. But, maybe she feels the same? No, Zuko repeats in his head, he’s too awkward and cold to have someone like her like him back.</p><p>So he rolls back onto his side, pulling his covers over his shoulders because all he can do now is dream about tomorrow, the more he entertains the thought the more he gets excited about the possibility of making something more than what he has now. Zuko almost smiles with the thought, drifting back to slumber because there’s no more room for dark thoughts and painful memories in his head. Maybe he’s not as bad as he thinks he is, maybe she sees something in him that he can’t, and maybe the universe actually worked in his favour for once and brought the perfect person to his life. And yeah, he might be going a little overboard and working himself up over this because he’s sleep deprived and will probably take a cooler approach in the morning but it’s nice to just be immature and dream for now.</p><p>I can’t sleep, I haven’t been able to do much of that anyways but it’s worse tonight because every time I close my eyes I’m haunted by something. First it was Maou’s abuse, then it was having the unattainable Zuko, and now I feel like I’m chained to some cold ground and the light is drifting further away. An urge to run downstairs and break open the floorboard under the kitchen table and pull out Yi’s strong liquor is barely restrained by the image of Zuko in my head, the last time I got that wasted was with him and I can’t linger on these happy memories that remind me of what I can’t have. I know if I get fucked up I’m going to say something dumb or go to his house and I can’t afford to do that now, I just need to make it through the night and get some kind of plan for my disappearance. </p><p>I expected the sun to be out today and to feel the heat but it’s overcast and cloudy, which normally is my favourite weather but I can’t enjoy it now. The entire day dragged my mood down, probably starting with my failed attempt at breakfast. I wanted something light, but all of the apples were too bruised or not ripe enough simultaneously and maybe it was just my overtired mind playing a joke on me but I lost my appetite soon after. I sat in my room for most of the day, feeling conflicted and not sure what to do. Is it even a good idea for me to leave my house? What if I accidentally run into Zuko or Iroh? I can’t risk that, it’s just better to stay up here and plan how to fix this situation. I can’t go to Yi, she’d just tell me to embrace this feelings and admit it to Zuko but can’t she realise what position I’m in? “Y/NNNNNN, come downstairs I want to go to the market with you!” Jin calls from the shop, I don’t even question why she’s here.</p><p>“Jin I really don’t want to go outside today.” I grumble, tucking my hands in my pockets and walking towards the living room with Jin on my tail. I can’t sit on the chaise lounge, hell, I don’t want to look at it because then I’ll remember that night with Zuko and I need to block him out. Jin doesn’t share my sentiment, practically leaping across the room to lay down and look over at me with pleading eyes. I curl up on an adjacent chair, clinging my knees to my chest as if I’m some kind of ball. I feel like I need to be compact, I need to hold myself together and I need to shield myself from the rest of the world. “And hey, about last night, I didn’t mean to interrupt but-“</p><p>“Ugh I didn’t come here to talk about Jet, but if you really want to know,” Jin groans, pouting as if I’m the one being weird about things. Does she not realise how much I’ve been worrying about her and Jet because she won’t tell me these things anymore? I know Jin doesn’t want to worry me and she’s right to assume that I wouldn’t have the right understanding with relationship stuff but that doesn’t mean she can’t talk to me. “Jet was just acting weird for awhile, but we talked through it and we’re all good now.” She beams, acting as if they weren’t screaming at each other in the street not twelve hours prior. “I think he’ll get along better with Lee now, so the four of us should go out again! It was so fun last time, and don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you guys look at each other.”</p><p>“I don’t feel like going out tonight.”</p><p>Jin nearly falls off of the lounge, shaking her head in confusion. “Whaaa? Why? I thought you loved getting out of the house.” Before, Jin was just laughing and smiling but she looks truly concerned now which makes me feel worried. So it’s all been in my head, she’s completely surprised by the fact that I don’t want to be with the three of them which makes me doubt my decision more. I’m flexing and un-flexing my feet, alternating them and watching so I don’t meet Jin’s perplexed gaze. “What’s wrong?” What isn’t? I’m not exactly sure how to open up about the hours of debating with myself and imagining fifteen different futures without seeming insane. And maybe I am.</p><p>“Things are just, erm, complicated now.” That’s a good start, it’s a vague enough answer that hints at more shit going on without me having to actually say it. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to see Lee for awhile.” Jin gapes, looking utterly baffled by my response because she was under the impression that if anyone from our group would be keeping me away, it’d be Jet. Not that I’m jumping with joy at the idea of seeing Jet after seemingly running into him out of context for the I-can’t-even-count-th time. “Don’t look at me like that, we didn’t have some big falling out or anything. I just, I don’t know, I don’t feel good about being his friend.” God that sounds like Zuko hurt me or something of that ilk, but it was just me hurting myself and misreading things. I only have myself to blame for this situation, and therefore it’s up to me to fix it. </p><p>“You worry too much, Lee’s literally crazy about you.” It takes all of the power in my being to not look at Jin or blush because is that how she sees us? Am I not as crazy as I thought? Wait, no, shut up shut up shut up she’s just saying that. Jin’s too addicted to the prospects of love that she’ll say that about anyone regardless of the situation. She said the same thing about Ida, even though we both knew that I was pressuring myself into that whole spiel. Y’know, the fact that I got excited about Jin’s statement is further reason why I need to leave, this is just too much for me to handle. “Just tell him how you feel and then you’ll get rid of the weird unresolved tension between you guys.” What unresolved tension? There’s literally no tension, no pining, it’s all just me and I’m probably making Zuko uncomfortable.</p><p>“Can we just stop talking about him?” I snap, sounding way harsher than I intended and Jin can tell that I’ve clearly not been sleeping well or really doing well at all. “There’s just a lot going on now, I don’t know how I feel or what I’m doing wrong and I feel fucking lost.” I was staring intently at a spot on the floor with my rant, feeling some dark aura surrounding me as I kept going. I glance back at Jin, maintaining her terrified and concerned stare so I take a deep breath, calming myself. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to dump this on you, I know you got enough going on with your life.” I sound defeated, and Jin opens her mouth in protest but I know what’s best for her and she doesn’t need to feel like she has to talk me out of killing myself again. “Have fun at the market, okay? And tomorrow we can go to the Blooming Lotus, but today I just need some alone time.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“I’ll be fine, I’m not going to do what you think I’m going to do.” I practically drag Jin out of the living room, feeling some urgency to get her out of the house before I make things worse for myself. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll go on a walk tonight and I’ll stop by your place.” A walk actually sounds nice, a change of scenery might help me reevaluate my decisions so I don’t make this worse for myself. Jin strangely walks away from my house, clearly wanting to stay but I can’t talk to anyone about this. Once she’s out of view I step back inside, sighing deeply with my back against the door. I want to go to Zuko, I need to see him but I know once I do it’ll be the last time and that’s too much for me to bear. </p><p>———————</p><p>I swear I have the worst luck out of everyone in the city. I heeded to my promise to Jin, dragging myself out of the house past sundown so if by some crazy reason I saw Zuko I could hide from him easier. I was walking to the upper ring, sticking towards the less-populated areas so I could avoid all possible human interaction and just feel the cool night air against my skin. The streets are strangely empty, they’ve been like this the past few nights but I don’t question it because when I usually go on these walks it’s at the dead of night. I still don’t know what to do about my Zuko situation, it’s getting harder for me to come up with valid excuses of why I need to leave and the more I think about it the more I doubt everything. I mean an option would be to just kill myself but now that I’ve become more of an asset to the Triad I don’t know what would ensue if I did.</p><p>My mind’s been in the wrong place lately, it’s evident every time I go out by Maou’s command. I’ve been sloppy, my precision is dulling and I feel less passionate about my fighting despite that being one of my only release’s from the boredom at home. Every time I hear a sound in the distance, I turn hopefully thinking it’s my masked man coming to visit but I haven’t run into him since that night. I mean, if it were up to me, I’d rather not see Zuko in action because I don’t want him to get hurt but he wouldn’t listen to me so I might as well dream of the idea of seeing him wearing that blue dragon mask. Not like I’d run over to him and say ‘hey’ because we’re different people behind the masks, but just seeing him would lift my spirits enough.</p><p>I see an alley to my left, ducking inside to catch my breath after just walking. My heart’s racing with the thought of Zuko, the anxiety of being with him with the simultaneous anxiety of being without him makes me worry. I feel like my chest is tight, constraining against my heart and stifling my breathing. So I lean back, against the very alleyway that I used to wait in for Dai Li to pass by, my mind battling with itself whether or not to stay with Zuko. I can’t see anything but him, his voice saying the dumbest things mutes all around me, and the thought of my world without him is just dark. But I’m willingly venturing into that darkness, forcing myself to move on and at least try to forget about what happiness he brought me in our somewhat short time together. “Awful late for a little lady like you to be walking alone.”</p><p>I raise my eyes from my hand on my chest, coming face-to-face with a sleazy looking man with a poorly shaved stubble. He doesn’t smell like alcohol, but he doesn’t seem entirely sane either because of the way he’s licking his chapped bottom lip. I lean my head back slightly, pressing harder against the wall and carefully angling myself to the side. But then again, there’s still no passion in my movements because I still feel numb from my Zuko dilemma. It reminds me of that horrible night at the university, where I just froze. Maybe I’ve been wrong about myself for awhile, I always assumed I’d fight but I can’t bring myself to now and I just feel defeated. “It’s awfully late for you to still suck your thumb,” I glance down towards his poorly bandaged hand, only three of his crusty fingers remaining. “Oh wait, you don’t have one.”</p><p>“You got a mouth on you, don’t ya?” The man snarls, reaching his thumb-and-ring-finger-less hand into his pocket to presumably pull out a knife. Rolling my eyes, I pry myself forward from the wall to just walk away from this pushover. As my body angles towards the main street, a dark figure appears before me and shoves me back against the wall. It didn’t hurt, it’s just irritating because I have bigger issues to deal with at the moment and I’d rather stop by Jin’s somewhat early in the night before she gets too freaked out. “Oi oi oi, you leaving too soon. We haven’t even got to introducing ourselves.” God I cannot express how much I do not care and do not want to hear his name. It’s probably something weird like Kenny judging by his looks. I would walk away again, but now my shoulder’s getting held against the wall by the second man and another pair of footsteps emerge from the shadows to my right.</p><p>“What a shame, I was really looking forward to that. But I have more important things to attend to, so if you’d excuse me-“</p><p>“Dollface I don’t think you’re comprehending the situation here.” Kenny presses his forked knife to my my chin, holding it at an angle while tipping up my head as if he was examining me. “You’re getting robbed.” I look down at him, unamused, because this just seems like any other day while working in the Triad. Kenny tries to look intimidating, but he’s shorter than me and can’t even hold a teacup with his right hand. He’s off-put by my lack of a reaction, frantically trying to motion for his third goon to come forward and try to scare me. When the knife, which actually looks more like a steak knife rather than a real knife, is slightly removed from my chin, I spring into action because this can be some extra training. I grab the hand that pins my shoulder back by the wrist, twisting it firmly to release myself from the cold stone against my back.</p><p>Kenny shouts some little quips in retaliation to his gang, but I’m too busy focusing on the largest man that’s insistent on keeping me against the wall. I can’t face my adversary for much longer after I punch him, another jumps atop me and pins me to the ground. My attacking hand is bended sharply, folded against my back and strained at such an angle that it’s a wonder my shoulder doesn’t dislocate. My muscles twitch as I try to push myself up with my other hand, struggling as the attacker presses his knee firmly into the arch of my back. “Now don’t get too excited, one wrong move and your arm’ll come off.” Kenny sneers, crouching in front of me as I helplessly look up from the ground. Fuck, I can’t move to free my arm, and if I try to kick the man of my back he’ll fall forward and move my arm to an irreversible position. “I wasn’t that interested before, but now,” Kenny uses his knife to prop up my earlobe, my earring resting on the blade. “You’re clearly worth something.”</p><p>If it was a different situation, I would’ve been flattered by his proposition but I’m getting held at knife point whilst being forcibly pinned to the ground so it isn’t looking too hot for me. There’s this special kind of gemstone that only people in the upper ring are allowed to possess, and if you’re wrongfully caught with it the haughty king uses his authority to execute you. It’s a rather lame and pretentious law, but he’s only has so much power and he finds it entertaining. The Triad, though not entirely stationed in the upper ring, still uses the gemstones as a way to indicate that this person is untouchable. It’s usually for the women like Yi that aren’t allowed in the violence but still earn the protection. I have a card that I use to get benefits in the city, but I didn’t want to bring it out with me so I just chose to wear my earrings. I wasn’t planning on interacting with people, so it’s not my fault for be unprepared. </p><p>“How much money is your daddy going to pay for you?” Kenny sneers, leaning back after examining the carats in the dim alleyway. I’m still squirming from side to side, trying to free myself but I know it’s futile. So they want to use me for a ransom, god, that’s a new one. Though this situation itself isn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me, it’s definitely the cruelest thing fate’s ever done. I blamed Long Feng for trying to take power from Maou by targeting me, trying to eliminate one of his secret weapons without turning the attention onto his Dai Li. But this? I was literally walking down the street, being inconspicuous and not provoking anyone and yet I’m getting targeted by this scumbag who’s looking for a quick buck. Kenny nods towards the onlooking man who reaches inside his patched coat to pull some rope and two strips of fabric and god he better not put that in my mouth it looks vile.</p><p>The man on my back yanks my head back by the scalp and I know better than to scream as I’m gagged and blindfolded. It’s dark, I could still hear but then my head was slammed back to the ground, held in place by a dirty shoe as my hands are bound behind my back and my ankles bound in a cross. I don’t want to just accept this, but I can’t move at all as I’m turned over and dragged by my collar across the unfinished pavement, watching the dim light from the main road dim and fade away. Kenny shouts something to one of his goons, causing them to hit me across the head sharply with a bat and making my consciousness slip. No one’s coming. No one knows I’m here. I can’t escape. And all I can focus on is the distant thought of never seeing Zuko again.</p><p>———————</p><p>She hadn’t come. Zuko spent the entirety of the day pacing in the back of the shop, causing Pao and Iroh to watch with a knowing smile and share in the anticipation of her arrival. But she didn’t, and now the three of them were more confused rather than upset. The older men tried to think of excuses to relay onto Zuko, but he wouldn’t have accepted them anyways so they don’t bother. The moment the shop closed, Zuko took off in a sprint towards her house to investigate. She did leave in a hurry the night before, so something’s definitely up and he doesn’t want to leave her alone again. Zuko would be the first to admit that he’s not great with his emotions or other people’s for that matter, but with her he wants to try. He feels like he actually can help her, that she needs someone as broken as herself to connect with.</p><p>Zuko’s met his fair share of people during his exile, but none of them have made him feel even a fraction of how he feels with her. And despite being in denial of this up until about two days ago, it’s irrefutable as he sprints towards her house while still wearing his uniform’s apron. His legs feel numb, sheer will being the only thing carrying him on this trail. It is rather chilly outside, the momentum from Zuko’s run making it even colder so thank god he was still clad in the many layers of his uniform. He’s in such a rush he can’t be bothered to try to channel his body heat, and even if he attempted to it would just wave off of him from a lack of concentration. Zuko can’t understand why he feels this way, why he feels so concerned and why he’s sprinting to see her at nine something in the night. But he doesn’t have time to understand, despite his mind trying to assure him that he’s overreacting he doesn’t want that small doubt to be right.</p><p>Zuko’s a panting mess when he reaches the flower shop, aggressively knocking against the door as if that would make someone come faster. If it came down to it, he could probably kick down the door but it’s a rather lovely storefront and he’d hate to feel regretful for something else. Maybe that’s why Zuko’s been feeling so impulsive lately, it’s because of her. When they went on a walk after the fiasco at the party, and when he told her about what she said, he hadn’t expected her to start ranting about her lifetime of regrets. She constantly added ‘kinda lame, right?’ or something along those lines after to sound more lighthearted and he regrets not telling her to stop saying that. But since then, he’s realised how damaging and motivating that one’s regrets are, so it’s better to act in the moment and not beat yourself up over a missed opportunity. So he’s not going to spend another restless night thinking of what he could’ve done.</p><p>Zuko never realised what would happen when he came to Ba Sing Se, hell, nothing could’ve prepared him for this. At first his eyes were set on capturing the avatar to restore his honour, and every night he’d lie awake after Iroh and plot on how he’d find him. But lately he can’t find passion behind his thoughts, it’s just some empty goal that doesn’t seem unattainable per se, but just uninteresting. The thrill of the chase is gone, the prize of rejoining with his title at the palace doesn’t seem so captivating. Sure, the thought of it still excites him and makes him long for his homeland, but then there’s her. She’s made him question his allegiance to his father, wonder why he’s living for someone else, and god does she make him smile. His heart races whenever she’s near, and now the fact that she’s not here is making his heart pound more.</p><p>The door swings open with his something-th knock, causing him to teeter forward with his momentum. He wants to see her, to meet her tired eyes and do something, anything just to see her happy. But instead he comes face to face with Yi, who appears unimpressed and not at all concerned for the state Zuko’s in. He clears his throat, adjusting his posture to appear more refined and not like he just sprinted such a great distance purely on adrenaline. “Is-is Y/N home?” He lets out through pants of air, not cowering or supporting himself while he catches his breath. Yi scans him up and down, examining his outfit before meeting his shaky stare with a smile because she’s been waiting for one of these stubborn dumbasses to act on their obvious feelings. Feelings so obvious they were the last ones to realise.</p><p>“No, I thought she went on a walk with you.” Yi leans against the doorframe with folded arms, watching as Zuko’s face falls. “She’s probably over at Jin’s place now, you know where that is?” Yi infers that Zuko was going to as that next so she cut out the middle man and proposed the question as he shook his head. “I’m not going to write this down so you better remember. Go to the upper ring, go in the opposite direction of the University until you reach the really extravagant playhouse, then turn right and keep walking until you see this little park kinda thing.” Zuko looks eager to listen but still perplexed at the onset of directions. “It’s the penthouse in the complex across from that. It’s supposed to be housing for university students, so there’s probably a directory around there if you get lost.” Yi opens her eyes after relaying instructions, noticing Zuko’s visible distress. “That was a lot, wasn’t it?”</p><p>“Uh yeah, so I go to the playhouse and then-“</p><p>“Aish, you’re making this more complicated than you need to, if you’re going to get lost you might as well wait here.” She steps to the side, motioning for Zuko to come into the shop even if he doesn’t really want to. Well, it’s not that he won’t welcome Yi’s hospitality, but he’s never really had a conversation with her and these circumstances don’t seem ideal for the first time. But Yi doesn’t seem to care, just walking him in as if he’s an old friend that stopped by for a visit. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but it’s getting dark and if you get kidnapped I don’t want that on me.” Zuko’s eyes widen, panic filling his mind because he’s just jumping to conclusions now and can’t seem to convince himself that he’s overdramatising the situation. </p><p>“You don’t think Y/N got kidnapped, do you?”</p><p>Yi stifles a laugh, not trying to offend Zuko for his concern, and she keeps leading him towards the kitchen. “Do you really think she’d let someone sneak up on her like that? The day that Y/N gets kidnapped is the day Maou stops being abusive.” Zuko halts in his step, clearly too overwhelmed for the given situation. It’s no secret that the familial dynamic at the home isn’t exactly welcoming, yet Yi’s always been rather friendly for our guests. But Zuko can’t reciprocate her humour, not realising how Yi must accept him to outwardly admit Maou’s tendencies. She rolls her eyes, pivoting to tell him to chill the fuck out. “C’mon that was a joke, stop looking all stiff, you’re scaring me.” Zuko shakes his head lightly, mentally trying to reassure himself that he’s just overly sensitive today, he didn’t sleep well and that’s why he’s thinks it’s more serious than it is. </p><p>Zuko takes a seat, actually, the same seat he sat in the last time he was at the shop, reminiscing on that night. He thinks it was that night that really confirmed his crush on her, it’s what drove him to her doorstep with the hope that she’d accept him, but by morning he realised he found the perfect person for him. They’re so similar, such parallels throughout life and although Zuko doesn’t believe in luck or fate, there’s something unexplainable about their meeting. Still in disbelief of that situation, he wasn’t sure that she felt even remotely the same day, but her intoxicated mentality overtook better judgement and confirmed some of his suspicions. And since then, he’s just been hung on her and the idea of her and the thought of doing something more than the cuddling that they always end up doing while refusing to acknowledge it the next day. “Sorry, it’s just she didn’t come to the shop today so I thought something happened.”</p><p>“Oh? You were waiting for her?”</p><p>“No, uhh, she just usually comes.” Zuko sheepishly responds, trying to deflect Yi’s accusation. Was he waiting for her? Well, kinda yeah. He wouldn’t admit it but the days with particularly slow business made him ponder her whereabouts or count down until some estimated time that she would arrive. Yi casts a suspicious gaze, clearly seeing through his bluff but choosing to stir her tea and intently watch its swirls. Zuko, being the awkward fuck that he is who can’t carry a conversation to save his life, fiddles his thumbs and studies them as if they’re the most interesting thing in the room. It’s silence, Yi doesn’t really know how to entertain a teenage boy, much less one who’s hopelessly smitten with her daughter, so she doesn’t say anything either. It started with two minutes, then five, then fifteen, then twenty, and pushing thirty minutes of just quiet in the kitchen, supplement with a few short exchanges regarding tea.</p><p>Zuko glances around the room yet again, seeing how dark it is outside and it’s strange that she’s not back yet. I mean, a walk to the upper ring isn’t necessarily brief but he’s getting more worried by the moment because of the silence. He wants to see her, to hold her, to protect her, and the longer they’re apart the more his heart yearns. That sounds really dramatic and makes it seem as though she’s been with him his whole life but he entertains the drama to ease his mind. At least, that’s what he’s rushing to assure himself, that it’s all in his head and he’s making it out to be more serious than it is but he can’t rid himself of he growing doubt in that sentiment. Yi follows Zuko’s gaze, acknowledging his concern and rising from her seat. “It’s getting late now-“</p><p>“I didn’t mean to stay for so long, I’m sorry,” Zuko leaps to his feet, rushing to push in his chair and leave in a hurry but Yi holds him back.</p><p>“Just sit down, I need to think.” Zuko reluctantly follows as Yi scratches the bag of her head with quick fingers. “I don’t want you walking home this late, especially in the lower rings.” Before Zuko can protest, Yi’s waving her hand towards him and continues her thought process. “I don’t want to hear about how you can defend yourself,” she gesticulates and takes on a mocking tone, presumably to imitate her daughter, “because if something happens to you I don’t want it to be my fault. Y/N’s probably staying at Jin’s tonight, or she’s going to come home at some obscure time in the morning. So just-“ nothing around the room lends their aid to help her deal with the random teenager sitting in her kitchen. “You’re spending the night here, if she’s not back in the morning you can look for her then.”</p><p>“You don’t have to-“</p><p>“Don’t get all noble on me, I’d rather have only one child go missing tonight.” Yi rolls her eyes, grabbing Zuko’s elbow and dragging him upstairs. The house wasn’t built to house more than the three current residents, so there’s no guest room for Zuko to stay in. The only alternatives are the living room, which isn’t a great option because it’s rather open and if Maou came home that’d be hard to explain, or her room because Zuko’s not sleeping in Yi’s. Her bedroom is particularly clean, mostly because she doesn’t spend enough time doing random things in her room to make it messy. “The bathroom is down the hall, Y/N’s room is on the right, you can just sleep in there tonight.” Zuko’s stiff as he’s pushed into her room, Yi seemingly begging him to just call it a night. “If you’re too much of a wuss to stay on her bed, I can get a futon or something and you can sleep on the floor.”</p><p>Zuko’s lips are sealed, his throat dry as Yi closes the door behind him and he’s left in the last place he was expecting to be. It feels wrong, he doesn’t want to infringe on her privacy but he’s trapped in the situation and now he has to make do with this. Tentatively, he sits on the foot of her bed, refusing to adjust or recline for more comfort. Maybe he’ll just stay awake for the night, it’d be hard to explain why he’s in her bedroom so maybe he’ll wait it out until either Yi falls asleep or it’s light enough for him to leave. But Yi insisted on breakfast at being in seven in the morning, which allots enough time for him to get a good night’s rest but now she expects him to be there. What will she say if she comes back from Jin’s in a few hours? Will she be mad? Will she want nothing to do with him? Will she call him creepy? He’s not trying to snoop around her room or anything like that, but there’s no way she’d know that.</p><p>Zuko finally concedes and leans against her pillow, refusing to pull the covers or adjust anything to be more comfortable. It smells like her, obviously, somewhat comforting in his anxious state. He plans the next day thoroughly, going downstairs once it’s light outside for breakfast and receive proper directions to Jin’s house. Then he’d walk there and either run into her on the path there or find her at Jin’s. But what would he say to her? Hey sorry for interrupting your day with your old friend I was just worried so I slept at your house. God that’s lame, no, he needs to think of a better excuse. Maybe Iroh wanted to see her? No, that puts pressure on Iroh and makes him a liar. And with her, he doesn’t want to hide anything or lie anymore. Maybe he’d forget his elaborate plan to reveal his feelings to her and just say it when he sees her again, but maybe she’ll reject him harder.</p><p>Why is this so confusing and complicated? Zuko can’t fathom how to make this situation any less awkward or find a way to appeal to her without coming off too strong. Does everyone deal with mental debates like this or is he just an over-thinker? He wants to go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on his face to snap him back to reality, but that would disturb Yi and he already feels like enough of a nuisance. He could always just sneak out and go back home because he can’t remember how to get to Jin’s to save his life, and Ba Sing Se isn’t threatening enough for people like him and her. They’re trained heirs to the Fire Nation, well she’s indirectly an heir but an heir nonetheless, so it’s going to take a lot to take them down. I mean, it’s not like Zuko would be defeated in combat by some lowlife gang or anything. But, despite assuring himself of his capability, he can’t shake the thought that something bad happened to her, who’s more trained and familiar with the city.</p><p>Zuko feels like something’s wrong, the terms that they left on don’t sit well with him and now he’s waiting at her house for her return. They’re connected, with some strange phenomena, he’s felt it since the day they met. And last night, he felt as though she was just as restless as him, hoping it was because she likes him back. But despite this connection, Zuko still can’t read her feelings, or understand why she left. It definitely had to do with Jin or something she saw, but she left so quickly and the scene was desolate by the time he went outside. And now she’s avoiding him, hiding off with her friend just so she doesn’t have to face him. Did he do something wrong? Did he say the wrong thing, was he too forward with the tea making? Is he making things worse by going to her house? No, he definitely didn’t do something wrong or she would’ve reacted sourly sooner. Maybe it’s a cumulation of all the time they spent together, but what was the final straw? </p><p>And what the hell are they? Zuko’s pleading with himself, hoping she won’t tell him that they are just friends. It’s not making sense to him, he feels so certain yet so unsure when it comes to her. And now he can’t erase some sneaking suspicion that she’s not at Jin’s and that she’s not okay and that he has to go find her. Abruptly sitting up in bed, Zuko fights the urge to jump out of the window or something to escape without making Yi upset. He couldn’t care less about what Iroh’s thinking in the moment, he’s probably assuming that Zuko’s here and with her so he doesn’t need to worry. So maybe it’s just Zuko getting concerned, maybe it’s just him working himself up over nothing but his instincts don’t lie and they’re saying that she’s in danger. Who or what the danger is, he can’t tell, but he’s not going to get a minute of peaceful slumber while his mind is conflicted like this.</p><p>——————</p><p>God this is the nastiest warehouse I’ve been in, I thought I’d seen the worst of the city but the surplus of rats scurrying across the floor and the stench of dried blood really seal the deal as the worst. My legs are freed now, but my ankle’s definitely broken because it hurts to put support on my left foot. My wrists are chained together, fastened against the wall above me so I’m stretched to this current position. I glance upwards, trying to find a keyhole or something to break these bonds but it’s no use. The darkness clouds my vision, and since my foot’s incapacitated I can’t kick my legs upwards to prop myself upside down while I try to pick the lock. For the time being, I’ll just stare through this thin cloth to take in whatever surroundings I can, but my blindfold isn’t helping my cause.</p><p>I feel stickiness against my scalp, crisping my hair together with dried blood. The hit to my head was harsh, and though I’m bleeding it’s not something I can’t recover from because of the angle. My shoulder’s starting to ache, I’m balancing uncomfortably on my less dominant leg because every time I adjust my position even in the slightest, it sends a shock of pain throughout my entire leg. So these dimwits aren’t entirely brainless, the attack on my ankle is quite possibly the worst place I could’ve been attacked. I can’t sense them close now, and I have honestly no recollection of how long I’ve been out because of the blacked out or lack thereof of windows. It’s unnaturally serene, I want to break out or hear something, anything, regardless of the danger that’ll ensue, just to keep me sane from the thought of endless misery.</p><p>I feel like I can hear Zuko’s voice in my head, filling my thoughts as it has for the past few nights. I know I was so insistent on eliminating him from my life because of my unreciprocated feelings, and I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have, but now I want to take that all back. I want to see him, hell, I need to, and I don’t think I’ll be able to stay sane if he leaves me. Perhaps this is divine punishment against me for trying to get rid of the perfect person for me, and I’m feeling the pain of such a choice now. Fuck, I haven’t even officially left Zuko’s life by any means and I’m already feeling regretful of my premature decision. I know I’m the one literally chained to a wall and being held for ransom but I honestly don’t care less about that, I just want Zuko here again. Well, not here in the abandoned warehouse, but I want to rush to his arms and just apologise for acting like a bitch. I need to.</p><p>“Real question is if she worth more than the gems on their own.” Kenny laughs from the far end of the warehouse, presumably at some table with his other minions if not more of them. It’s a rather dumb question, I haven’t been very difficult for them so of course it’s a better deal to keep me alive and ransom both me and the earrings. And, the few times where I’ve been in positions like this, I’ve never been one to resist much. I’d much rather convince them that they don’t need to worry about me so I can escape conspicuously, I’ve never been the flamboyant type. When I was on patrol last year, I intercepted a hostage situation with some criminal civilian and the Dai Li. The bastard was screaming, crying, pleading, as if that would somehow convince the heartless agents to have mercy on him. With disgust, I vowed in that moment to never act that helpless or desperate while faced with an adversary. If I’m going to die, I’d rather not look like a pussy. </p><p>A callused hand grasps my chin firmly, angling my face around to examine my features in the dark. “You don’t look rich.” Kenny spits, tossing my head to the side abruptly as presumably walking away. He’s clearly trying to analyse my figure, wondering why someone in commoner clothes and no particular alignment with the beauty standards of the Earth Kingdom is wearing such valuable gemstones. I guess the thought of me stealing them or being aligned with some illegal group didn’t cross his mind. “Wonder how long it’ll take for the search for you,” he continues, pacing away from me and walking in some arc shape that I can only discern because of the sound from his footsteps. “Or maybe,” that all-too-familiar sound of a knife being unsheathed disrupts his pause. “You’re just a thief.”</p><p>I hold back a scoff because of course I’m a thief, why would some high-class girl be wandering the middle ring at night? But the blindfold hindering my vision serves as enough of an excuse for my lack of reaction. A dark mass briskly rushes to hover just before me, pressing a freshly sharpened blade against my abdomen at such an angle that if I exhale, it’s sure to make contact in a detrimental way. Analysing the situation, I could still recover if I was cut but since my hands are still chained above my head, it’s going to be difficult for me to stifle the bleeding and I’d rather not stain one of my most comfortable tunics. “She ain’t a thief, she would’ve escaped by now!” A nasally voice calls back from the table, so it seems that Kenny’s mates are just listening in. A very skilful or very dumb thief would’ve tried to escape by now, the former being successful. But today’s been an off-day for me, I can’t seem to focus enough on what I know.</p><p>Maou always said you can’t have off-days in the field, but 1.) I was unprepared to be ambushed out here (though Maou would say that’s my fault too) and 2.) Maou’s never loved or liked someone outside of a manipulative way so how the hell would he understand even a fraction of what I’m feeling. And for the longest time I was convinced that I’m just as much of a monster as he, a half-breed freak that’s preparing to succeed him and this crime. But this thing in my heart, this pang of feeling for someone that’s pulling me out of my numbness proves that sentiment wrong. I won’t be corrupted by his materialistic and narcissistic aims, I’d rather live for someone that needs me rather than just wanting to use me. Zuko needs me, I fully feel that in my heart and I know that I’m going to break out of here and go straight to his arms. Is this why Jin’s so addicted to starting somewhat meaningless relationships? To feel this rush of happiness and desire for someone, this yearning to even see their face, no, that’s not enough, this yearning to hold them and protect them and never leave their side.</p><p>What is this feeling? I know I always say that, but it’s so different from before. It was just a dumb crush before, a feeling that makes me flustered and self conscious while simultaneously comfortable around him. But now, I can’t reduce this to something else or as immature as a “crush”. Dear god, or whatever supernatural force is out there, please don’t let me die. I know I prayed for that intently for years and you always deflected my attempts, but please don’t change now. Don’t let me die before I see him, I know I’m going back on my word of it being better to just disappear from his life but I can’t just leave. I’ll be spending the rest of my life damned if I can’t go to him once more. Please, please just grant me fifteen, no, five minutes to share one final cup of tea with Zuko and then you can put me out of my misery.</p><p>“We’ll find out tomorrow.” Kenny gruffly responds, withdrawing his blade and pacing away from me. My hearts pounding again, just like it did in the tea shop, but not because of my life in danger. My mind’s filled with Zuko, I feel some rejuvenated energy to break these bonds and escape to find him. But I can’t, I’m stuck hanging against the wall in some unknown area, being held for an anonymous ransom that won’t be paid by the Triad. And so I wait, lingering in my own thoughts and regrets and desires while the silence envelops me. Zuko, if you can somehow hear my thoughts, I want you to know I-</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>👀<br/>Ayy also found out that this is the first fic to have a Jet and Jin relationship I feel so influential</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. "You’ll have to look somewhere else"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well there's a lot that's going on here ahahaha, no wonder it's my longest chapter as of now</p><p>*there's a time skip between Yi's and reader's segment of three days, just thought I should clarify*</p><p>TW// rape, violence, alcoholism/drug use</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Good morning my son.”  </p><p>Zuko’s weary in the morning, rolling over to rub a hand to shield his eyes from the blinding lights of the sun. He didn’t intend on falling asleep or even to close his eyes, but he felt so worn out from worrying that the next thing he knew he was passed out against her pillow. Zuko can’t recall exactly dreaming, not like the usual one that haunted his rest, but he felt lucid while transported back to his childhood at the palace. Turtle ducks, that’s what they were supposed to be, but his memory couldn’t envision them perfectly. A slender hand reached into the water beside him, but before he could focus on the figure’s eyes he was transported back to his bed, the burning rays of the Fire Nation sun lighting the foot of his comforter in a thin line. It was his mother, tenderly smiling and rubbing her palm against the side of his face. “M-mom?”</p><p>“Whoa there, don’t get ahead of yourself buddy, Y/N doesn’t even call me mom.” Yi laughs, leaning in the doorway and watching Zuko stumble about her bed and rush to his feet. But, because he barely woke up, he can’t get his footing correctly and stumbles over himself. “I didn’t take you for the type to be a heavy sleeper, you missed breakfast.” Yi opens the door more, motioning for Zuko to follow her downstairs because there’s no way she’s going to let him eat on the upstairs flat. Zuko nods pensively, running a hand through his hair as he angles his neck to the side to stretch for the morning. The room’s undisturbed aside from the bed, which proves the sick feeling in his stomach. She didn’t come back. “Now just take a seat wherever, I’ll fix you some-“</p><p>Yi glances over her shoulder to grasp her tired guest’s attention, but the next thing she knows Zuko’s completely gone, the shop’s door still swinging with his rapid departure. She can’t help but smile, seeing his determination to reunite with his unofficial girlfriend. Young love, it’s usually infuriating and annoying to watch but she’ll make an exception for them. It makes Yi wonder whether or not she should be more concerned for the wellbeing of her daughter, but she was so insistent on calling Yi ‘overbearing’ for staying up to wait for her so she trusted that she’d handle herself safely. But now Zuko’s sprinting at seven thirty in the morning without a good’s night rest just to check on her and oh fuck he doesn’t have proper directions to Jin’s house so he’s going to get himself lost. But he’s long gone now, so Yi just sighs and goes to make her morning tea.</p><p>Zuko can’t open his eyes completely, he’s still recovering from the morning but he promised himself the night before that the first thing he would do when it was light outside would be to find her. He’s stumbling in his path, sprinting in some zigzagged line as he rushes towards the upper ring. Yi said the playhouse, right? University apartments? Zuko will find his way soon enough, he’ll feel it when he gets closer to her. He always does, every time he’s even remotely close to her he can sense it so it ruins any element of surprise. It’s more of a surprise when she hasn’t reached him yet, and he can feel her without seeing her physically. He hasn’t felt that way since she left, her presence wasn’t even in her room, and running on the very path that she should’ve been on triggers nothing. Where the hell is she?</p><p>It took another two hours before he finally found Jin’s house, refusing to ask for help but just walking in increasingly larger radiuses around the university until he located some distinct park beside a small collection of apartments that has to be what Yi described. A three-story building in a u-shape around some simple fountain, it’s the best bet for what he’s looking for amidst all of the random facets of the upper ring that he explored. He’s awake and alert now, glancing at his reflection in the fountain to adjust his hair to be somewhat presentable. Now that it’s growing out, his bedhead’s gotten worse but there’s only so much he can do with the distorted image staring back at him. Sighing, he walks towards the main receptionist area to find a directory for Jin’s room because Yi never elaborated on which it was and he’d rather not knock on every door.</p><p>“Good morning! How may I help you today?” An overly cheery girl smiles at Zuko from her seat, her desk overcrowded with lists and instructions that just seem like meaningless ways to pass a somewhat boring day. How can someone not get bored of a job like this, the university students that live here shouldn’t be visiting the receptionist throughout the day so does she just sit here? Zuko rubs his unscarred eye with the back of his wrist, adjusting to the sudden dim of light from the sun and mustering some courage to speak up to the worker. She still maintains that empty, fake smile while Zuko reorients himself to this situation. It’s a rather nice lobby, so he can see the appeal of staying here, even if it’s just overnight.</p><p>“I’m here to see Jin.” Well, in actuality he couldn’t care less about seeing Jin but it’s difficult to explain that you want to visit someone’s guest at their house.</p><p>The girl flips through her book, tracing her finger down until she locates Jin’s name. Hopefully the receptionist doesn’t inquire for her last name, Zuko hasn’t the faintest idea of what that is. “It says here that Miss Chen already has a guest checked in,” Zuko visibly relaxes, realising that although he probably won’t be allowed to visit the room, at least he knows she’s with Jin. He can wait around the area for her to come out, not wanting to corner her but he can’t trust that she’ll come back to the tea shop and going to her house for a second time make him looks desperate. Not like he isn’t, but still. “Oh wait! She put in a request for two last night, but her second guest never came. I’m guessing that’s you?” She looks up sweetly and Zuko nods carefully, pondering her strange switch. “Apartment 3C, use the stairs to your left.” She gestures with her hand and Zuko nods again with a curt ‘thanks’.</p><p>Normally these workers would want to interrogate visitors more or wait for the resident to confirm their identity, but he fits the role enough of a usual for Jin. Two guests, that’s probably Jet and her. But which one didn’t show up last night? It had to be Jet, right? He didn’t see Jet walking near his house, but then again he hadn’t been home in awhile. She’s safe, she’s here, she’s got to be, Zuko keeps repeating in his head, constantly trying to convince himself that he’s being paranoid for nothing. If he keeps repeating these affirmations, maybe it’ll be true and maybe this strange feeling that she’s not near will be replaced with a feeling of confidence. Each step feels smaller than the one before, some urgency to burst into Jin’s room without warning just to put his worries aside and prove to himself that he’s been freaking out over nothing. Iroh always said Zuko worries too much and stresses himself out over nothing, so he better be right about this.</p><p>3C. It’s at the end of the hall, the largest apartment and presumably the one with the best view, though that’s not necessarily important. Zuko waits just outside the door, his hand hovering in a fist but refusing to knock. It’s quiet, the outside sounds possibly muting a hushed conversation from Jin’s room but he’s starting to doubt his choice to come here. She left him at the shop, she rushed home without an explanation. Is she avoiding him? What if she gets mad when he comes inside, what if she hates him? Zuko’s overthinking again, choosing to firmly rap the back of his hand against the door to ease his confusion and get a definitive answer. It sounds like someone’s getting out of bed, walking closer to the door and maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to come here and maybe he should leave and the next thing he knows the doors cracked open and Jin’s peeking out. “Oh, hey Lee!”</p><p>It doesn’t cross Jin’s mind of how Zuko managed to locate her, not that she was trying to hide, but it’s strange that she’s not the slightest bit startled with his unprecedented arrival. “Hi, uh, is Y/N here?” Zuko desperately glances over Jin’s head, trying to examine the room and praying he’ll see her sitting somewhere, quiet in pose and doing something to pass the time like watching people and trying to figure out what they’re up to. He perks up with movement on Jin’s bed, rustling under the covers because he knows that she likes to cuddle under the covers when she’s feeling down so maybe his suspicions were right and he didn’t come all the way here in vain. But as his lips part with anticipation, ready to call out her name, the guest turns over, revealing themselves to be none other than his favourite person in the world, Jet.</p><p>Zuko’s expression falls, not bothering to conceal his disappointment as he looks back to Jin so he doesn’t accidentally make eye contact with him. “No, she said she was going to stop by last night but I guess she wasn’t feeling up to it. She seems kinda down lately.” Oh fuck, Zuko pales (considerably more than he already is), his heart racing as he tries to rationalise this information. She…never made it to Jin’s house? At all? Where the fuck is she? His head’s pounding, he feels everything swirl around him because his suspicions were correct that she’s missing, and the thought of her being kidnapped doesn’t seem that far fetched and oh god where does he even begin to look. He’s panicking, he can’t hide his alarm as his legs tremble with some urgency to run from this apartment complex. “Hey are you guys doing okay? Like, did something happen between you two?”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“I went by Y/N’s house yesterday and she said something about not wanting to see you.” Jin presses the nail of her thumb to her lip, studiously trying to discern what to make of this situation because yesterday her friend made it seem like they had a falling out but Zuko seems genuinely confused and concerned for her. “Did you guys have a fight or something?” He messed up, but he can’t figure out why and he’ll probably never find out why if he doesn’t go looking for her now. He wants to turn the accusation on Jin, because her attitude changed after she went outside and spoke with Jin. But he can’t act on that brief defensive thought, he feels weak and defeated because he should’ve stopped her before she ran out, he should’ve skipped his work shift and gone to her house sooner and he shouldn’t have waited the entire night in her room. Jin doesn’t seem malicious in her words, just as concerned as him but not comprehending why Zuko’s so freaked out.</p><p>“No, I thought Y/N was here but apparently she’s not and I don’t know where she is now.” Zuko’s voice is stuttering, he’s rushing through his words and repeating himself and he honestly sounds like a child that’s on the verge of tears because he’s so perplexed that he can barely regain composure. Jin’s smile falters, unsure of what’s going on because of Zuko’s alarmed expression. It seems like he didn’t get to tell her something, or maybe he had plans with her, but whatever the reason is it’s somewhat serious and Jin’s starting to worry more. She can handle herself, right? Nothing serious happened, Jin assures herself because Zuko doesn’t joke around and his disposition is beginning to bothering her. She probably was just at her house, or maybe she had to go on some night patrol with the Triad. But Jin can’t propose that solution to Zuko, she has no idea of how much he knows and she doesn’t want to reveal too much.</p><p>“Did you stop by the flower-“</p><p>“Yeah I spent the night there.”</p><p>“You, wait, she wasn’t home?” Jin initially had her finger raised to point out something smug about always checking the flower shop and making sure she wasn’t hiding out in her room, but Zuko’s response threw her off. He spent the night at the flower shop? And she wasn’t there at all? Not trying to bash her, but she doesn’t have any other friends outside of this room that she’d spend the night with, so that’s kind of alarming. But, she’s always been rather secretive so maybe she had some other plans she just didn’t tell either Jin or Zuko about. She’s not that secretive with Yi when it comes to the Triad, though, so if Yi was under the impression that she was here then that means she’s not with Maou. “Well, um, I don’t really know where else she’d be.” Zuko’s face falls more, rapidly recalling every time he’s gone out with her to find some place to start his search.</p><p>Jet’s listening from the far corners of the room, trying to discern what to make of the situation. He doesn’t know her well, but this disappearance seems somewhat random and is clearly freaking out Jin and Zuko. He doesn’t question how Zuko even found Jin’s house, spending his thoughts on how quickly he can find her so Jin doesn’t drive herself insane. He knows that he promised Jin that he would stop his previous crimes and pursue a normal life, but this situation seems to elicit a rekindling of such. It’s funny, he barely knows Jin’s friend and wouldn’t be able to say ten things she likes but here he is planning to potentially risk his life to locate her. If it’s anyone’s job to do that, it’d be Zuko’s, but Zuko doesn’t seem to be thinking straight and if finding her will make Jin happy, Jet’d do it in a heartbeat. He pulls a shirt on before striding behind Jin, propping himself up against the doorframe with his arm. “I can’t believe you lost her.”</p><p>“I didn’t lose her!” “Don’t joke about that!” </p><p>Jet stifles a laugh as the two worriers turn their attention to him with upset eyes, Jin going as far to punch him in the side. He doesn’t like to tease Jin in that way, but seeing his nemesis get frustrated makes his morning just a bit better. Consider it a payback for Zuko coming and disrupting the peace, making this situation the only thing that Jin’s going to talk about until its resolved. Which isn’t a bad thing, and its clearly serious, but her friend’s probably passed out in some alleyway or tavern or someone else’s house because everyone in here knows she can’t resist a drink. However, Jet will humour the thought of some greater conspiracy if it gets Zuko out of the apartment as soon as possible. “Look, go back to the tea place and she’ll go there soon enough. She’s probably just at home and sleeping right now.”</p><p>“I already said Y/N’s not at home!”</p><p>“I didn’t hear you then, god you’re wound up.” Jet groans, his hand dragging Jin back into the comfort of her apartment and leaving him face to face with Zuko. Narrowing his eyes, Jet locks into some sort of staring contest with Zuko. Both are barely restraining themselves from hitting the other, gritting their teeth and refusing to be the first to strike the other. Jet sizes up his opponent, who’s probably two inches at best taller than him but slightly skinnier, making it as even of a fight as it could be. “Listen up, fire bender,” Jet hisses in a low voice and despite his vow to relinquish his attempts to prove Zuko and Iroh’s abilities, he still believes it and will use it against them. “We don’t know where Y/N is, so if you want to find her you’ll have to look somewhere else.” He closes the door slowly, pausing with about an inch of an opening. “Go stress someone else out.”</p><p>“Jet, that’s not nice!” Jin whines from behind the door, followed by some indistinct dismissal of Jin’s complaints. Zuko waits outside, practically fuming from Jet’s eagerness to kick him out. It’s not like he exactly wanted to interrupt their morning or irritate either of them but whatever they had planned should come secondary to the disappearance of their close friend. And as much as Zuko hates to admit it, Jet had a point about unnecessarily lingering here because she’s clearly not at Jin’s. The next best options is either to wait at the shop until she returns from her mysterious disappearance, or to start searching all possible paths for any trace of her. But what would she even leave? She never carried much on her, not anything distinct enough to send an ‘sos’ message. The only thing Zuko can think of is her earrings, but those are too valuable for some kidnapper to overlook.</p><p>Where to start? He doesn’t know which path she took to Jin’s house, or which path is even the best because he retraced his steps at least five times before coming remotely to the area. The upper ring is too large to examine, especially not with the street cleaners coming through to eliminate any possible threats to the city’s foretold security. And, knowing her, she wouldn’t take the quickest or most obvious route, probably lurking towards the outskirts to avoid human interaction. Zuko concludes to search alongside any shadowy area, every alleyway within a five mile radius to find anything, any lead that could possibly give him a hint to where she is. But first, he has to go all the way back to his apartment to see Iroh to keep him from worrying. And hey, maybe he’ll find something on the way, or maybe Iroh will give some sage wisdom of how to locate someone. He’s always been good with that kind of thing.</p><p>——————</p><p>There’s this funny little thing that Yi does when she’s stressed, she rests her left thumb across her right hand whilst in the position one would hold chopsticks in, and she firmly rubs against the joints of that thumb. If she rubs hard enough, it’ll pain her hand and drive some of her attention towards that rather than what’s worrying her. It’s a nervous tick that no one initially notices, but after years of being with Yi throughout her highs and lows it becomes evident that she has her habits. But this time, rather than rubbing the pad of her thumb across the other, she’s scratching the top of it with her nail. Indentations lace her pale skin, bringing more pain that isn’t inherently necessary but she can’t be bothered to stop herself. She needs some confirmation of her daughter’s safety, Zuko got her all wound-up about the situation.</p><p>Sitting at the table, she’s still blankly staring at her empty tea cup as if the tea leaves at the bottom would leave some sort of message to ease her mind. But it heeds no avail, leaving Yi to get consumed by her doubtful thoughts more. Is this how Zuko was feeling two days ago? She should’ve been more sensitive, now he’s infected her with worrisome manners. Yi’s hunching over, cowering in her seat because of course her inmate is fine, she’s probably sitting in Jin’s apartment right this second, Zuko already being relieved of this worry by finding her. It’s been over a day since she left the house, and her concern’s starting to cloud her better judgement. It’s not like her daughter’s never disappeared for some prolonged amount of time, but Yi assumed Zuko would’ve been in on this sojourn and he clearly wasn’t. She can’t expect Zuko to report back here to confirm whether or not his suspicions were correct, so she should wait until it’s been 72 hours. </p><p>“Where’s that ungrateful brat?”</p><p>Maou barges into the kitchen, tossing some knife swaddled with a bloody rag onto the countertop in his rush. Normally he would take more care with such things, but it’s evident that he’s already been in a bad mood and this isn’t helping the cause. Yi shrugs, remaining as a husk in her position because she has no guidance to move today. Maou grumbles, pacing around the kitchen and expecting some reaction from Yi, but she just remains stoic. Years of enduring Maou’s abuse hardened her, she no longer flinches when he raises a hand against her and she doesn’t feel intimidated by his presence. Either way Maou’s going to strike her so what’s the point of attempting to resist or cower from the inevitable? “She’s out.” Yi monotonously answers, not trying to infuriate him more or act too submissive before him. </p><p>Maou’s nostrils flare, charging towards Yi and yanking her back to look into his dark eyes. Yi’s neck cracks with the movement, not in a detrimental way, but more of a first stretch of the morning manner. She lazily stares back at him, trying to maintain an uninterested gaze with lowered eyelids, but her pupils quiver as she realises how terrifying the man above her is. Yi constantly repeats to herself that she can handle him because she’s been doing it for the past seven years of her life and no matter how daunting his threats seem, he wouldn’t do more than he has before. No matter how scary or intense he seems, there’s a line that Maou has only crossed once, and whether it was regret or annoyance, he hasn’t done that again.</p><p>Yi was twenty at the time, relatively well-adjusted to her marriage with Maou and living pretty comfortably. Maou was frustrated, betrayed by those around him and needing some better way to cope with this irritation. But Maou never learned how to healthily deal with these emotions, taking it out on Yi in a drunken rage. Bottles smashed against the wall, the counter, her back, glass rubble littering the floor except for a triangular shard that he threatened her with. She was petrified, unable to move her feet as Maou held her against the table and dangled the shard over her exposed skin. Any cries of protest were muted by his shouting, her resisting was futile when he forced himself atop her. He didn’t care that his adoptive daughter was in her room, who opted to creep down the stairs and peek around the corner in horror at his attack. Neither Yi nor Maou knew that she saw, Yi had more pressing concerns to focus on but her weakness was evident as she was rendered defenceless.</p><p>Maou never apologised, not like he would’ve, but he never crossed a line in that way again. Yi usually was quiet around Maou, but she gave him more of the silent treatment to show how upset she was without instigating him. It wasn’t until she found a neatly wrapped qipao on her bed that she warmed back up to Maou, choosing to save her life from another attack by putting on the outfit and holding to his arm at a fancy dinner. She never spoke of it again, not like Maou would’ve brought it up but it hurt that he acted as if nothing happened. That’s how this dysfunctional relationship operates, they could argue all day, Yi could be beaten mercilessly by the man she’s lawfully attached to, and they’d have to act like everything’s normal at a moment’s notice for the public. More often than not Yi has to use some kind of makeup to conceal bruises around her neck or a black eye just to be presentable at a formal dinner. But she brought herself into this situation, and she’ll lay in the grave she dug for herself.</p><p>“I’m going to give you a second opportunity to answer my question.” Maou snarls, his rough fingers straining at Yi’s hair follicles and splaying her neck against the top of the chair as if it was on the chopping block. “Where.” harder “Is.” harder “Y/N.” Maou nearly tears her hair out with his iron grip, assuming that Yi’s hiding something from him and needs to be punished for such. Her lip’s quivering now, an unintended reaction with the pain in her scalp, and all she can do is weakly shake her head from side to side as if Maou would accept anything less than a verbal confirmation. He leans down more, threatening the idea of pulling a knife to use against Yi and normally he wouldn’t be this high intensity but his day’s been very stressful and he needs some release. Not like threatening your wife is a normal stress reliever, but Maou’s not exactly the average man.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Yi whimpers, her sad eyes pleading with Maou to stop and accept her lack of knowledge as satisfactory. Maou raises an eyebrow, his hand still intertwined in her hair and holding her in the most uncomfortable position. She’s weak, defenceless, hopeless, desperate for her husband to leave her be. “Maou,” It’s too similar to that awful time three years ago, Yi’s terrified that she’s going to have her head slammed against the table until she draws blood, or forced into some position that no one could escape from. “Please, I don’t know.” Maou normally wouldn’t accept such a response, insisting that she’s lying but something about the pure agony of terror in Yi’s eyes fascinate him. His sadistic tendencies kept him from pitying Yi or alleviating his response, yet he still hesitates from hitting her. It’s not merely fear lingering behind Yi’s expression, it’s regret. Her own safety isn’t as much of a concern as her unawareness of their daughter’s location, which perplexes Maou more.</p><p>Maou’s a manipulator, he likes to get close to people and find weaknesses to use against them. He tempts people with riches or power, casting his power over them after they’ve come into his clutch. As time progresses, Maou’s done less and less of his dirty work, testing his inferiors to see who should success him because his daughter’s probably going to run. But none of his inferiors have lasted long enough, they make so much progress and then get overconfident and Maou has to terminate their pride permanently. And even though he’s been married to Yi for the least amount of years compared to his past wives, she’s outlasted all of his heirs. He can’t figure out why, why this easy girl he picked up from a strip club has remained here for so long, why he can’t bring himself to replacing her. But does he need to? Well, no, I suppose, but her helpless stare isn’t helping her cause. </p><p>He relinquishes his grasp on her scalp, knocking her head forward with his sudden movement and pushing her from her seat. Yes, he’s frustrated that he can’t find the one person that he needs in this moment, but he knows if he starts with Yi he won’t be able to stop and he doesn’t exactly have a backup wife on hand. And despite his constant mental reassurance of such he knows he’s growing older and can’t attack in his prime. It’s a difficult enough position in the Triad, he can’t let his guard down around others and an injury from old age and sore muscles could quite possibly be his downfall. He seethes in his stance, lingering above Yi as she struggles on the floor. She’s on her hands and knees, attempting to hoist herself up without seeming defiant to Maou. “You’re lucky this is all you’re getting as punishment, but you’ve been so well behaved lately that I granted you mercy.” Snarling, Maou storms out of the room with a malicious aura, leaving Yi cowering with a tender scalp.</p><p>It’s funny, Yi’s the first of Maou’s partners that he’s allowed to call him by his first name, he’s not entirely sure why. His daughter’s the same, none of his associates would refer to him outside of honorific to his face. For the most part, Maou doesn’t care about his daughter’s whereabouts because she’s rather responsible and knows she can’t escape the Triad. Though she has her dangerous tendencies, she never gets into public conflict that would threaten the Triad. Actually, most people wouldn’t consider the possibility of her being in such a dangerous syndicate, a volatile weapon hidden in plain sight. However, today he had organised a conference with the foreign associates and was intending on bringing her to show off. It’s not common for a Triad based in a certain region to have a unique bender, and his unique bender has unique abilities that are rare even for a fire bending Triad. And, to tie it all together, he didn’t have to seek her out whatsoever. She came straight to his doorstep, nearly twelve and a half years ago.</p><p>It was a rainy day, the cold autumn wind starting to affect the weather without the icy grounds that come with winter. Maou was awoken from his rare slumber by his former wife, her hair beaded with water droplets and her hand tucked behind her back to conceal something. A child. A frail, sick toddler that looked like she needed a bath and a blanket. Utterly useless. “Take it downstairs, the rookies are in need of practicing dissection.” He grumbled, waving his hand to dismiss the disrupters and return to get what little sleep he managed between his nocturnal antics and daytime social position. At this point in time he acted as a regiment in the King’s court, but after the Earth King became suspicious of his multitude of funds and strange connection to the Dai Li he feigned an illness to dismiss himself from attention. Yet Maou’s request was unfulfilled and he angrily opened his eyes to his wife’s lack of reaction. “Do I make myself clear?”</p><p>“Yes, sir, but the child-“</p><p>“I don’t care that it’s a kid, take it downstairs.”</p><p>“But sir-“</p><p>“What, damnit, what is so important about this parasite that you have to defy me?” Maou was upset, seething with anger as he sat up in bed to face his mistress and convey his malcontent. She nervously remained in her stead, bringing the child forward with a swing of her arm. The child staggered in her step, nearly collapsing to her knees with the momentum but remaining rather obedient. Maou was intrigued, not because he wanted to adopt a kid, but because most children he’s observed are outspoken and demanding. Yet this one accepted her fate, acting without a will of her own and maybe she didn’t react to Maou’s proposition because she didn’t understand it but then again she seemed somewhat intelligent. A dumb child would’ve cried or begged for something but this one knew she was in a new situation and didn’t try to act entitled or deserving of reward.</p><p>The woman nudged the child further, imploring her to explain. Tight-lipped and unsure, the abandoned shook her head vehemently until the woman slapped her across the back of her neck. She still refused to speak, choosing to palm a flame to present her abilities to the mysterious couple. Maou’s eyes widened rapidly, rapidly try to check if there was some sleight of hand or illusion because this was fascinating. Maou’d only seen trained fire benders through the Triad, none of them being within the walls of Ba Sing Se itself. And here this child is, presenting a rather large flame in her hand as if it was a perfectly natural thing to do. Maou changed his mind, this specimen is far too valuable to be wasted on the scum of his lower ranks. No, she’s earned a far greater purpose because this rareness would serve him tenfold, he just needs to hone that skill and he’d have the perfect trump card. “What province are you from?” Silence, Maou’s no longer appeased by her brevity. “Speak.”</p><p>“I don’t know.” She responded in a quiet voice, tucking her hands behind her back and cradling her palm because its sensitive now. Maou inquired further, trying to sound less terrifying and more persuasive which isn’t an easy task. Especially since he doesn’t have the faintest clue of what this child wants, she wasn’t tempted by what a normal child would gravitate to. “My mom brought me from the Northern Tribe.” No one had taught her to not talk to strangers, because the Water Tribes were very communal and the small nation didn’t have much room for sketchy characters. Maou’s interest is piqued yet again, it seems every second with the girl brings him more to dissect. A quiet child? The ideal type of kid he’d have if he was forced to adopt one. A fire bender? The perfect weapon to use against his adversaries. From the Northern Water Tribe? Proves his suspicions about the Fire Nation’s imperialistic endeavours, and her water bending heritage might grant her some other uncanny abilities.</p><p>“You got a name?”</p><p>“Umm…Y/N.”</p><p>“Y/N? You didn’t just make that up now, did you? It’s no matter, that’s what I’m going to call you now.” His hands were resting on her shoulders as he kneeled before her, in utter awe of his lucky find and the power he now possesses. Now all that’s left is to harness it, to control it and teach his daughter to become the piece that he was lacking in life. He hadn’t forgiven his wife for interrupting his sleep, despite the blessing she brought with her, so he maintains his angered composure towards her. “Get the spare room ready, we have a new tenant residing with us from this point forward.” The woman bowed briefly, rushing across the hall to try to childproof the guest room before Maou sends the child over. “Tonight, you should get some sleep because we have big plans tomorrow.” Maou smiled greedily, his hands gripping his daughter’s shoulders tightly with anticipation. He’s going to create a monster.</p><p>———————</p><p>I can’t tell how long it’s been, I’m still shrouded in darkness and I haven’t seen or heard from Kenny in awhile. I’m still unsure of his motive, I assumed he was just holding me for ransom but some things aren’t adding up. He’s established that I’m not nobility, determined that I’m supposedly not skilled enough to be a thief, and if he was going to rape me they would’ve done that from the start. Lingering in this position, I look like I’m crucified against the wall as some sacrificial lamb for what reason I don’t know. I’m not hungry or thirsty, the thought of consuming anything makes me sick to my stomach actually. I feel weak, I’ve been studying my surroundings through what little vision is allotted to me and it’s coming to no avail. I have no idea in hell where I am either, so there’s no way for me to try to imagine some elaborate rescue mission lead by Zuko.</p><p>God I can’t stop thinking about Zuko, the lack of mental stimulation around me probably contributes to that so I’m going to blame that as the only reason I’m thinking about him. But he’s not going to come, he’s probably not even thinking about me because I had to leave him in the most bitchy way possible. Zuko’s probably just working at Pao’s tea shop, giving me time to reconcile because it’s my responsibility to and he’s not usually that assertive. I hope he’s thinking about me too, I mean I don’t want him to worry but I’m praying it’s not just me that can’t think of anything else besides the other. And I know that Zuko’s far from being perfect, by any means, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I can’t repress it or deny it without blatantly lying to myself. Not that I don’t constantly lie to myself, but I feel guilt whenever it comes to this. I can’t phrase it correctly, I’ve never been gifted with words so there’s no use for me to try to. </p><p>“She’s over there.” Kenny’s voice comes from the far side of the room, the side it always stems from, and I perk up with anticipation. Who is he speaking to? Who’s coming? Did they find someone that’s pretending to be my father to rescue me? No, nobody knows or cares where I am. Heavy feet drag against the ground, lumbering closer and I shut my eyes despite them being blindfolded just so I can appear as asleep. It’s not much, but I’ll do what I can to secretly observe little nuances that can help me escape. I’m not a detective by any means, but I observe. A lot. And even the seemingly meaningless actions can benefit me if I find a way to use it against my captors. “What do you think?” Kenny implores, the two men standing mere feet from me, and the distinct sound of a satchel opening supplements his statement. What the hell is going on? Am I about to get sold?</p><p>A thin, somewhat plastic-y strip is wrapped across my midriff, pulled snugly but not tightly. The tension increases for a brief moment, getting suspended to presumably check the number on the measurement. So that’s their game- they’re sizing me up. As quickly as it was flung around my waist, the tapeline is pressed from my shoulder to my hip bone which is rather dumb because my body isn’t relaxing normally. But something tells me that these criminals aren’t looking to be exact to a tee, just trying to get a general idea of what my proportions are. I remain frozen in my position, having no fathomable idea of how many other men have accumulated to watch, or what weapons they posses which therefore makes any resistance unwise. My only option for an attack that wouldn’t further injure myself is to channel my fire bending, but that would just create more issues for me to combat and I wouldn’t be able to defend myself against my adversaries with an ankle injury. Damn, I feel like I’m always getting hurt or disabled lately and I wholeheartedly blame Zuko for it. If it wasn’t him directly injuring him, the fact that he hasn’t left my mind has clouded my better judgement.</p><p>“Is it too presumptuous of me to ask what you’re doing?” I finally break my past twenty-four hours of silence, waiting once the presence of my measurer has somewhat withdrawn. They yield me no response, opting to finish writing down my measurements onto a pad of parchment to ensure that they wouldn’t forget it. I shake my leg slightly, rolling over my ankle unintentionally while trying to readjust my position to something more comfortable. After all, I’m still at the mercy of these men and I have to be smart with my words. Just because they haven’t killed me yet doesn’t mean that they aren’t planning on such, and I’d rather not hasten the process. And if by some crazy reason I happen to get murdered, I’d like to leave some sort of clue or something interesting just to throw people off if my body is found. Though feeling them measure my body starts to raise my suspicions that I’m going to be chopped up and shipped off to some cannibals or something strange like that.</p><p>“I see you’re not mute, that means your vocal cords are in tact.” Kenny sneers, snapping his fingers to summon his minions to attend to something out of my vision. Kenny drags a chair in front of me, presumably where he sits down to face me. I have to leave most of the happenings around me to my imagination, seeing as my senses are being blocked and I’m still foolishly trying to visualise my surroundings. It’s a dangerous game, actually, because I’m going to set expectations for when my blindfold is finally removed and the setting around me is going to be completely different than what I planned for. Kenny strikes a match, the flame I can faintly see, lighting a cigarette to smoke before blowing a cloud of choking air towards me. Y’know I think that’s the reason I haven’t turned to drugs, it’d be more convenient with my fire bending abilities but the smoke is enough to turn me away. “You should feel lucky, I don’t usually tell my victims how I’m going to kill them.”</p><p>“Thank you, I wanted to get a time estimate of how much longer I’ll be hanging here.” I try to crack my neck, but my position is rather strained so I can’t bring myself to find comfort. “I was getting hungry, so hopefully we can be over with this soon.” Oh my god shut the fuck up, I know they’re going to kill me but I could’ve at least tried to buy some time. And now here I go, my impulsive and nervous tendencies taking over and making me act cocky while I’m imprisoned. Damn I wish I wasn’t like this sometimes, it’d save me a lot of hurt because I won’t be overcompensating with my words. </p><p>“That’s awfully convenient, we were planning on bringing you a meal soon anyways so enjoy.” It’s as if his men were on standby, a plate of food was brought before me and spoonfuls of some rice porridge are forced into my mouth. I wasn’t actually hungry, and now this is making me sick because damn does this taste expired. It’s revoting, there’s random crunchy bits within the sloppiness of porridge and the men are feeding me at such a rate that even if I wanted to I couldn’t digest. I just look like a stuck pig, coughing against a spoon, my cheeks full of the strangest substance that I’m just praying isn’t poisoned. “Since you won’t last the night, I’ll let you in on a little secret. The black market pays a pretty penny for human organs, and you’re full of them.” God, Kenny sounds like an alien when he says that because of course the black market wants human products.</p><p>“So that’s why you were measuring me,”</p><p>“Ah, you’re finally catching on.” Kenny responds bluntly, blowing another ring of smoke against me as I finish coughing up the remaining porridge down my tunic. It’s so disgusting, so warm and lumpy and I want to throw up from the stench alone but I know that’ll just make my clothing situation worse. “Now, don’t be like that doll, I handmade that porridge just for you.” My head’s forcibly pulled back again, the other man dragging the spoon across my tunic to pick up the regurgitated rice mixture to force back down my throat. I want to scream, I want to pull away from the sickening act but I’m too weak. “And you don’t want to look like a mess when Porky comes back, he’ll be the one to cut into that pretty belly of yours.” Kenny smashes the back of his cigarette into my abdomen, the burning sensation excruciating but still not as bad as the metal spoon being forced down my oesophagus.</p><p>I want to say some retort about Porky but I’m held in my position, forced to ingest the vile substance. Is this supposed to help with the harvesting of my organs? I assumed they’d want me to be starved but then again I’ve never had my organs harvested so I wouldn’t know what to expect. Fuck this is terrifying, I still can’t see, I’m rendered immobile, I probably won’t survive the night because I’m going to literally be butchered alive, and Zuko will never know. I could care less worrying about the Triad finding out, and god I feel bad for wishing that Zuko would come save me because this is a horrible state to be in. Please, god please save me. I know I’ve prayed for this enough already and I’m not even that spiritual of a person, but I’m doing whatever I can. My head’s starting to throb, I must be feeling drowsy so hopefully the last thing I can dream about before I’m slaughtered is Zuko.</p><p>———————</p><p>It’s been three days. Three days since Zuko left Jin’s house, and three days of virtually no sleep. He looks like a madman, frantically asking anyone and everyone in the upper and middle rings if they’ve seen his friend. Nothing. No one knows anything, they just think he’s some lovesick teenager that scared his girlfriend away. Rather than proposing places to search or other people to ask, they insist on saying things such as ‘if she’s hiding from you you really messed up’ or ‘go apologise to her parents and ask them for forgiveness’ and some even had the nerve to accuse him of imagining people. Did no one know her? She’s lived here for nearly thirteen years, and she doesn’t match the average description of an Earth Kingdom citizen, so you’d think that someone would’ve known something. Even the people that lived near the flower shop or worked at the Blooming Lotus knew nothing. It’s too suspicious, it feels like some ulterior motive is looming below.</p><p>In reality, the people of Ba Sing Se are just not open about their gossiping tendencies. Once you get close to them, the air of judgement is evident and everything you do gets subject to misinterpretation. They’re very observant, taking notes on everyone to conjure up some theories and controversies, but only to a degree. No one seems to question the Dai Li’s strange activity, or the disappearances of people, as if that subject is taboo. Which is why no one aids Zuko’s desperate cause, choosing to focus on the mystery of his character and what he did to lose his girlfriend. He’s frustrated, despite his thorough searching of the area he can’t find anything. Not only did she disappear from the streets of the city, she disappeared from the memories of everyone around her. Did she mean to leave? Zuko recalls all the times she talked about escaping from Ba Sing Se, but he assumed Yi would’ve known if that was the case. “You look like an idiot.”</p><p>Zuko glances up from his seat in the upper ring courtyard, where he was resting his head in his hands from agony. It’s nearly dusk, and he’s been out searching since before daybreak. Not to mention Zuko isn’t the best with self care so he’s neglected eating or drinking despite the dry heat beating against him. Jet hovers above him, folding his arms and maintaining a superior gaze as he watches Zuko finally become shorter than him. But Jet can’t find complete satisfaction in this position because Zuko’s weary expression jabs into him, making him imagine what would happen if it was Jin missing rather than her friend. “Nothing’s working, no one knows anything about what happened.” Zuko groans, raking his fingers through his hair as he hangs his head lower, exhaustion and energy depletion contributing to some sort of insanity. Jet rolls his eyes, gently kicking against Zuko’s shin to get him to stand up.</p><p>A heatwave’s been covering Ba Sing Se lately, so there’s virtually no breeze to fight the mugginess of spring. Jet glances around the city square, not wanting to attract the attention of some nosy bystander that would interfere. When he turns back to face Zuko, he’s risen to his full height and a twinge of irritation strikes Jet. Goddamnit, Zuko’s presence in general irritates him purely because of some suspicion that’s been forced from his mind. “I thought someone would’ve taught you that asking around is useless. Whoever took her isn’t an amateur, why the hell would they leave some clue behind?” Child’s play, Jet explains, as if he wouldn’t have done the exact same thing in Zuko’s position. But he would never let his rival know that, oh no, he has to remain superior and seemingly more put together than the worried mess before him.</p><p>Zuko narrows his eyes, glaring back at the patronising person beside him. “Thanks Jet, you’ve been a great help.” Sarcasm’s evident in his words, he wouldn’t give Jet the benefit of seeing him frustrated or set off by his words. After all, he can’t let his rival know that, he has to remain superior and seemingly unbothered than the cocky douchebag before him. Oh no, now he’s thinking about her again. She said something with the same intonation on the last night she saw her, she had a fond spot for speaking sarcastically that just felt so natural to Zuko. Even if the sarcasm was negatively directed towards him, he’d willingly accept that any day if only it meant to hear her voice again. God he misses her, he’d give up anything just to see her and be far away from Jet. </p><p>Jet flinches with his harsh words, clearly just as bothered as Zuko was with his before. He steps forward, stabbing his finger into Zuko’s sternum because directly pushing him would cause too much attention. However, Jet failed to consider the fact that his raised voice most certainly would attract attention. “Hey I’m not the one that let my girlfriend walk away and lost her!” Jin glances up from her exchange of money and steamed bao buns, immediately recognising her lover’s tone and felt her heart drop to her stomach. Without looking at the street vender, she drops too many bronze pieces onto the cart, snatching the sweaty bag of a snack and takes off in a rush to stop some sort of fight before the two of them escalate further. She’s not sure of the validity of Jet’s suspicions regarding Zuko’s fire bending and she’d rather not find out without her friend’s support.</p><p>“She is NOT my girlfriend!” Zuko retaliates, emphasising the ‘not’ because the past few days have been full of townswoman relabelling his ‘friend’ as his ‘girlfriend’ and lecturing him about some relationship that doesn’t exist. He would always try to deny such a label, though he secretly wishes he didn’t have to, yet they would always interrupt and silence him. “And I didn’t lose her!” The tension between the two of them could be sensed by a mile around, they’re mere feet away from the other, refusing to break eye contact and clenching their teeth to prepare for some contention. Zuko’s hand twitches as if he was going to reach for one of his longswords, Jet mimicking a similar motion to grasp his hooks but neither of them were carrying weapons so they’d have to result with their fists.</p><p>“Stop that,” Jin steps between the two of them, a hand on Jet’s chest and the bag of bao buns against Zuko’s. The two of them continue in a deadlocked stare over Jin’s head, the steam exuding from the bag somewhat covering the steam rolling off of Zuko’s body from anger. It’s no secret that Zuko’s easily irritated by other people, however Jet seems to make his way to the top of the list nearly effortlessly. Despite his missing friend calming his angsty tendencies, now that’s she’s gone there’s nothing restraining him from hitting Jet on the spot. “I get it, we’re all worried about Y/N but the two of you beating each other up isn’t going to help find her.” The boys reluctantly look down, somewhat ashamed of their heated encounter because this whole situation has nothing to do with either of them, it’s about rescuing the balancer to their quartet.</p><p>“You’re right, I’ll go look somewhere-“</p><p>“No you’re not going anywhere without eating.” Jin takes on a motherly tone, shoving the bag against Zuko and threatening to drop it until he supports his hands underneath. Would he actually indulge in eating these layers of dough encapsulating a red bean paste? He’s not intending on such but Jin casts him a look that shows that she’d force feed him unless he complies. “And you,” she pivots to Jet, pointing her finger against him in a similar manner to the way that Jet first advanced towards Zuko. “You better use your little tracking skills to find Y/N before midnight.” Zuko carefully unfolds the creased top of the bag, fishing out a steaming bun to just linger in his mouth because he can’t find enough will to swallow. If she was here, he would’ve offered her the bao instead and she ultimately would’ve made him eat even if it meant she didn’t have one because she was always looking out for him.</p><p>“Or what?”</p><p>“Jeeeettttt, this is important to me.” Jin pouts, pounding her fists against his chest as Zuko continues to choke down the savoury snack behind them, the awkwardness of his position evident. He never wanted Jet and Jin to get involved, they always seem to make the situation awkward for everyone else because of their comfortability with one another, but the help is appreciated seeing as all he’s found are dead ends. Oh god, maybe’s it’s the ravenous hunger kicking in but this bao is phenomenal, Zuko makes a mental note to buy one, no, ten for her once he rescues her. Speaking of which, it’s nearly nightfall and yet again Zuko’s virtually in the dark about where to begin to search for her and seeing as the general consensus’s suspicions about her lead to kidnapping, he doesn’t know how much time she has left. He clears his throat to capture Jin’s attention, and to potentially stop some inappropriate public display of affection.</p><p>“So…?”</p><p>“Oh right, right, come on I know who can help us out.” Jin drags Zuko and Jet by their sleeves, pulling them to a hunched position as they jog in awkward steps to match her erratic pace. “Most people aren’t going to talk because they think it’s some plot by the Dai Li, but this old man named Chu always knows what’s going on.” Jin eagerly explains who they’re meeting and Zuko can’t help but remember the name Chu. He can’t recall actually meeting Chu, but my god that’s it! The very person that Chu could lead them to said to avoid him, back when they were walking the bamboo plants back and forth from the flower shop to the tea shop. Zuko might not always show it, but he observes. A lot. And he doesn’t forget things like this, everything associated with her wouldn’t leave his memory for anything. “He does require some payment though, so hopefully I can make some kind of arrangement.”</p><p>By now they’re in a dark alleyway, or rather alongside an alleyway because everybody knows not to venture into alleyways in the sketchy areas of the city. Zuko’s eyes divert across the area, his eyesight isn’t lending him aid in the dark but just maybe something’s changed in the past fifteen times he scanned this area. There’s a tarp propped up over an opening in the wall, it’s not quite a doorway because theres a hanging cloth rather than a door. So this is Chu’s realm, what type of payment he desires perplexes Zuko because all he’s carrying on him is a no longer steaming bun and another that’s only a third and mostly dough at that. “Why don’t you just sell pasty over here, he’d make a great slave.” Jet sneers, glaring behind Jin as Zuko casts an offended stare.</p><p>“Why do you hate me?”</p><p>“You guys can argue later, we’re here.” Jin foolishly relinquishes her grasp on their clothing, but an intimidating stare back stops either boy from advancing towards the other. They follow her inside like two bodyguards, stiff in their walks and refusing to even glance at the other as they straighten their backs to appear taller. It’s a dimly lit cove, some underground bar that’s filled with all kinds of suspicious looking characters. Jet laces his hand around Jin’s arm, protectively pulling her close to him as he sees leering eyes fall onto the new guest. Zuko’s heart sinks again, feeling guilty that he couldn’t do the same for his crush and the fact that he didn’t do that to her is the reason he’s at Chu’s place now. The stench of alcohol lingers in the air, mixed with some smoked drug that’s definitely not going to come out of his clothes anytime soon. Jin leads them to a second room after passing the bar, a backroom that’s probably used for some licentious activity so maybe Jin shouldn’t enter so boldly but what’s she on course for something there’s no stopping her.</p><p>“Jin!” A middle aged man exclaims cheerfully from his reclined position on a love seat while clutching the hose of his hookah, a puff of smoke exuding from his lips with his explanation. Zuko already dislikes him, he was right to keep his guard up because he can’t shake the eerie vibe that he’s getting from the oversized smoker. Chu’s risen to his feet, stumbling over with outstretched arms to give Jin a bear hug but Jet defensively pulls her back, wrapping his own arms around her. “What have you brought me today?” He slurs with a disappointed gaze, opting to clasp his hands together as if that was his plan from the start. Chu’s beady eyes size up Zuko, the third wheel of the trio if you would, examining what would’ve brought this specimen to his doorstep. Zuko glances to Jin for guidance, and she nods her head to prompt him to explain.</p><p>“I’m looking for someone, Jin said you could help me.” Chu dopily nods in a zigzagged manner, coming to the assumption that Zuko must smoke too because of his raspy and hoarse voice. Zuko tenses his position more as Chu reaches back to bring his vice closer, taking another puff of his drug and somewhat unintentionally blowing it into Zuko’s face. “She,” he coughs, fanning the smoke with a brisk movement as Chu watches with menacing eyes. “Her name’s Y/N, she works at the flower shop down in the middle ring.” Zuko continues but Chu gives virtually no response, nothing piques his interest enough to make him want to give information out. “She’s Maou’s daughter.” Chu chokes against the nozzle of his hose, coughing violently in puffs at Zuko’s words because that’s not something someone usually says so waywardly. To be fair, Zuko doesn’t understand Maou’s profession because he was never told so he can’t be blamed for not reading social cues.</p><p>“If- if that’s Maou’s girl, then can’t he look for her?” Chu wheezes, his eyes red from his choke and Zuko remains utterly confused at his reaction. Jet doesn’t know that Maou’s in the Triad, or he would’ve reacted differently because his expression matches Zuko’s to a scary degree. Jin’s swaying in Jet’s arms, waiting patiently for Chu to pull through and help her find her best friend. “Look man, I don’t know what you want from me but I don’t do business with Maou’s people, I don’t wanna get taken out by the Triad.” Zuko squints his right eye, suspicious of Chu’s word choice but choosing to just ask his friends about it later because he can’t act ignorant before Chu. Chu’s hand slaps against his chest harshly as he manages to cough out the last of what’s stuck in his throat, and Zuko rolls his eyes with frustration.</p><p>“Maou doesn’t know we’re here, don’t worry.” Jin reassures the fumbling man, completely ignoring the needed explanation for Jet and Zuko. Chu nods steadily, no longer fearing Maou’s relation to the missing girl but more of Maou’s potential involvement if he finds out that Chu refused to help. Jin nods with him, trying to match his rhythm to get more in sync before asking him for a large and potentially impossible favour because kidnappings always leave things to be uncertain. “Her name’s Y/N, she’s the girl that usually comes with me,” Jin waves her hand slightly above her head, indicating the height of her friend because Chu’s cove is poorly lit and other physical descriptions wouldn’t lend him much help. Chu watches carefully, trying to recall the times he’s seen Jin to formulate an image in his head to relate to town gossip.</p><p>“Was she the girl that beat up Zhang and broke my table?”</p><p>“Yep, that’s her.” Jin smiles sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck as her cheeks pinked with embarrassment. Chu’s statement was a vast oversimplification of the situation, not that Jin particularly wanted to relive it. It was sometime the year before, Jin dragged her friend as a third wheel to her date with Chee in this underground bar that they stumbled upon after perusing the sketchier areas of the upper ring in a drunken stupor. Zhang creepily advanced on the duo every time they came, insisting on buying drinks or trying to grope them. Jin and Chee were preoccupied so Zhang centred his attention onto the other girl, causing her to kick him backwards where he accidentally fell onto Chu’s glass table, smashing it and serving as her grand finale at the club.</p><p>“Can’t say I’ve heard anything about her getting snatched, or anyone that looks remotely like her.” Chu waves his hand dismissively, hobbling back to his love seat and returning to his position that was still imprinted into the cushions. Zuko’s heart drops again as some irritation with Jet and Jin arises because they wasted his time on another dead end. Jin’s not looking much better herself, her chest starting to pound because Chu knows all of the doings in the underground of the city so if he doesn’t know, nobody probably knows. “But,” Chu puffs his hookah again, almost creating a wall of mist between the trio and his ponderous figure. “I do know that the Vultures are on the prowl now, and she does match the descriptions of their usual targets.”</p><p>“The Vultures??” Zuko blurts out, tired of all of the mystic talk or references to events or people that he doesn’t know and just desiring a definite answer that can help him be on his merry way out of here. It’s not Zuko’s fault for not knowing who the Vultures were because he hasn’t been in Ba Sing Se for even two months and isn’t fraternising with anyone involved in illegal trade or activity. Well, that’s actually a stretch because he is associated with Maou by association, but he doesn’t understand his line of work so there’s no harm there. Speaking of Maou, Zuko has way more questions about him ever since he saw Chu’s terrified response to the mere mention of his name. Jet rolls his eyes, opening his mouth as if he was going to say something along the lines of ‘oh my god you’re so dumb, you can’t just ask who the Vultures are’.</p><p>“‘Group of organ harvesters that ransack the Earth Kingdom. They like young girls because they have ‘fresh’ blood, or whatever batshit they say to justify their attacks.” Chu nonchalantly responds, clearly unaware of how horrifyingly disgusting that is for a group of teens to hear regarding their missing friend. Zuko’s hand clenches firmly against the wet bar’s rim, his entire body shaking as every nightmare races through his mind. He has to run, he has to get out of this drugged bar and find her before its too late. Does she even realise what danger she’s in? Sensing his companions’ panic (though not to say that even himself, who bore no real connection to the abductee, didn’t feel anything) Jet clears his throat harshly to make Chu read the room. The information-giver opens his eyes to examine the trio, feeling guilty about shocking them. “How long has she been gone?”</p><p>“Four days.” Zuko responds almost instantly, surprising Chu because he barely finished his own statement before Zuko responded.</p><p>“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you should start planning a memorial for your friend.” Yet again Chu doesn’t sense the panic that his guests harbour, choosing to further plunge the knife into the wound in his justification of being a realist. Even though they probably needed to hear the truth of the situation, Chu could’ve done them a favour and spoke in more polite or calming terms so they don’t blame themselves for everything that happened. “The Vultures are very superstitious, wait, what’s the word for the opposite of superstitious? Anyways, they have this weird thing with numbers because there’s thirteen victims per city and they wait four days to kill them after the kidnapping. It seems kind of pretentious, if you have the victim just kill them sooner and save yourself the time.” Chu’s laughing at the end, unintentionally mocking their pain by questioning the logic of a group of serial murderers.</p><p>“Where can we find them?” Zuko demands, launching forward to push Chu’s grubby shoulders agains the wall. He looks like just as much of a madman as the townsfolk described him to be with his feral gaze and erratic advancements. The older man coughs with the impact, realising he should’ve feared the people in the room with him more than the thought of Maou or the Vultures. Zuko’s bending gradually activates, very discreetly but enough to pain Chu and make him squirm under Zuko’s grasp. His eyes waver between Zuko’s scarred and unscarred skin, mentally coming up with some nickname to give him when the rest of the criminals in his bar begin to talk. It’s just a hunch, but Zuko seems like the type to make his presence known in this city.</p><p>“Un-underground area of the playhouse. The big one!” Chu chooses his words carefully as Zuko grasps him firmer, practically lifting the overweight man in some fit of adrenaline. “Go to the third row from the front, there’s a LATCH” Zuko’s fire seemed to singe through one area of his tunic, burning Chu with the contact. “A latch! It’ll take you straight to the lair just let me go!” He cries as Zuko aggressively releases him, storming out of the bar without so much as a second glance at the unnerved man that’s quivering in the love seat. Jin immediately rushes after Zuko in a girlish jog, granting Jet the smallest opportunity to look back at Chu. He notices the discolouration in his tunic, and the very faint odour of burnt fabric. Jet narrows his eyes but before he can say something to interrogate Chu, Jin’s running back and dragging him out of the bar so they don’t lose Zuko.</p><p>“Wait up!” Jin calls, rushing out into the open road to take after Zuko but he’s sprinting with some impossible strength. “Lee, hold on!” She cries out again, attempting to quicken her pace but Jin isn’t a runner and doesn’t train as vigorously as Zuko or her friend does, leaving her virtually useless in a situation like this. Jet could’ve kept up with Zuko but he’d rather stay by Jin, following at a reduced pace with a conflicted mind. So Zuko most definitely is a fire bender, or he has a really skilful way of hiding a secret flame to the point where Jet couldn’t have noticed. He just needs more proof, Chu’s not a reliable witness and he’s famous for lying so Jet can’t use him. Damnit, the moment he starts to get completely adjusted to a normal non bender’s life in Ba Sing Se is when everything starts to fall into place. But he honours his promise to Jin, refusing to act on his newfound discoveries. </p><p>Jin’s calls are futile, once Zuko’s set his mind on something he won’t stop until it’s quelled. And now that ‘something’ is locating the upper ring’s grandest playhouse, the very one that he was brought to by her when they were going to spy on Jin’s first date with Jet. He never liked that place, and now he just has to remember any weaknesses in its exterior that can help him break in as soon as possible. Chu said the Vultures wait four days. Would Chu lie to him? Maybe, but Zuko can’t risk this now that he’s gotten some answers from the rat of Ba Sing Se. If he can just run faster he can reach the playhouse quicker and break into the underground lair to rescue his girl, he just needs to hurry because he has no idea how strong his adversary is but the slight possibility of her being alive is enough motivation for him. </p><p>———————</p><p>“I’m not releasing your bonds, you haven’t earned it.”</p><p>Kenny’s waiting in the chair he sat before me nearly an hour ago, patiently watching me as he awaits the arrival of my butchers. I’ve given up trying to be submissive and studious, most of my senses have been blocked which makes me question the skill of my kidnappers yet again. The blindfold and surrounding darkness hinders my sight, Kenny’s smoking drowns out any possible smell, the horrible tasting porridge that’s making me feel more sick’s taste is on my tongue, and my limbs are restrained so I can’t feel anything. So now I just have to talk my way out of this, I won’t speak as helpless as I feel but I have to be smart with my words to entertain and maybe befriend them. I swung my arms with little strength, ratting the chains that fastened my wrists to this strained position. “Aww, I was really trying to be obedient for you.”</p><p>Kenny finishes his third cigar of the night, going through them rather fast if I do say so myself so maybe he’s feeling anxious for his guests to come. I would too, seeing as they’re some sort of organ harvesters or potential cannibals, though they aren’t targeting Kenny so he shouldn’t be worried. “You better watch your words or I’ll make your punishment worse, conwoman.” He threatens, smashing the butt against my midriff again and making me wince with the contact because oh god does this hurt. Ironic, isn’t it? A fire bender being tortured with the very element that should be her greatest weapon. But now that Kenny’s established that I’m not from nobility and I’ve gotten verbal confirmation of such, I can play around and make him question my ranking more.</p><p>“Oh? What gave me away?” I’m back to questioning Kenny’s skill again because it took him awhile to confirm my lower status. When I was first kidnapped I theorised that they were looking for some young and defenceless girls to sell through some sex trafficking network, but then my earrings caught their attention and they would withhold my selling until they could make more profit from a ransom. But now that I know that organ harvesters are involved, actually, it’s probably the Vultures specifically, my thoughts have changed. My new theory is that they were hired by the Vultures to round up some prey, which they’d pay them for, so they were prowling the city for young girls. When they found me, they took note of my earrings and thought to make a third profit from a ransom, along with the profit from the Vultures to do their scouting and the profit from my organs on the black market. But since I was deemed useless, Kenny’s bitter that his mercenary tendencies won’t be fulfilled. </p><p>Kenny scoffs from his position, the dull flame of yet another match getting casually waved towards me with his position. “No nobility would be that ugly.” The smoke wafts in zigzagged lines in my direction and it takes every ounce of my being to not cough. I don’t like speaking this casually to anyone, but seeing as this might be my last night alive I might as well forgo any formalities. There’s few people that I’ve spoken to without an honorific, mostly because I don’t get close enough with people to speak any differently. The only person I’ve ever immediately spoken to casually is the person that can’t leave my mind, the one that made me feel some random connection upon our meeting without us even saying a word to the other. I hope Zuko’s been having a good day, resting well and spending time with Iroh. I wish I never got close to him so he wouldn’t have to deal with my memory, but it’s given me some satisfaction before I die that there’s one person in this fucked up world that’s somewhat like me. </p><p>I nearly swoon in my suspended position as I daydream about Zuko, imagining all the things we could’ve been doing together if I hadn’t been such an idiot to go outside with my guard down. It’s been five days since I’ve seen him, but we could’ve done so much if I hadn’t got in my head about the potential of our friendship. I’d be sitting at my spot on the counter, watching with dreamy eyes as Zuko serves the few customers before coming back to talk with me. Then I’d take him on a walk around the city, going to buy some tanghulu or something like that from the markets and watching the fireworks for the spring festival. Given, the spring festival isn’t for another month or so, but it’s my dream so I can make the timing work how I want it to. Pouting, I respond to Kenny to continue our strange conversation. “That hurts my feelings, I’ve been good to you Kenny.”</p><p>Kenny laughs in a sickeningly way, his throat hoarse from smoking and coughing. Except it’s not like Zuko’s endearing raspy voice, it sounds like a malnourished animal or some equivalent of sandpaper rubbing against my ears. “Kenny? The hallucinogens must be kicking in, that’s not my name.” He maliciously sneers and if my hands were free I would’ve smacked my forehead out of disappointment. I knew there was something off about the rice porridge, aside from its disgusting flavour, and I wish I gave more of an effort to resist it but we all know that would’ve been futile. My throat starts to burn (probably from the placebo effect) but I can almost sense the toxins attaching themselves to my insides. It’s a similar feeling to my unstable fire bending, one that damages my insides. </p><p>Since Maou made it his business to not familiarise himself with fire benders, he was vastly unprepared for the unstable mess that arrived on his doorstep. To be perfectly fair the only other fire benders I’ve met are Iroh and Zuko, but judging from what bending I’ve seen it’s safe for me to assume that I’m a bit of an outlier. It’s not as noticeable when I bend, but my overused and overexerted power is detrimental for my body over time. The underside of my skin burns if I do more than my party tricks and my internal organs sting with a singing sensation that makes it hurt to eat the next day. I thought it was something normal, like some sort of adrenaline or traumatic pain I feel but then I started to scar. It’s not that noticeable, nowhere near as noticeable as my burn from Zuko, but enough to attract my attention. And as much as I try to avoid that feeling, its coming back but from the strength of some poison instead. “I can’t believe you drugged me, that’s not fair.”</p><p>“Stop complaining.” He growls, growing annoyed with my catty responses as if I had anything else to do whilst suspended like a trophy. I swear it’s as if Kenny’s never kidnapped a teenager because he has virtually no patience to entertain the last banter of my life. If I was with a more agreeable captor I’d relay all of my conflicting feelings and thoughts about Zuko just so I could leave with a clean conscience but Kenny’s not up for such a game. Of course I wouldn’t reveal too much that would make Zuko potentially a target for such dangerous people, but even that I wouldn’t have to withhold words. I’m tired of being silenced by myself, tired of stopping myself from shouting words that I couldn’t say. I’m tired of living with regrets, though I’m sure I’ll desperately cling to them until the moment I pass. I’ll always regret not running from Maou’s doorstep, and I’ll regret not being the defender that Jin needed against her past relationships, but I won’t regret meeting Zuko. And now I look like an idiot, smiling despite my life rapidly coming to an end. </p><p>“Then let me down, my arms are sore.”</p><p>Cold metal presses against my throat, the blade awkwardly balanced between three fingers as his other hand forces my shoulder against the wall. “You do realise I’m threatening you, right?” I’m still smiling, probably looking like some suicidal masochist which to be fair isn’t entirely out of the question but nonetheless strange. “You’re supposed to be afraid.” Kenny snarls as the edge of the blade draws closer to the softness of my neck but I can’t fear him knowing he’s not the top dog. If Kenny kills me too soon, the Vultures wouldn’t be pleased and would suffice by using his ‘less pure’ organs. “But the Vultures like a show, your attitude will make the massacre all the more enjoyable.” He devilishly withdraws back to his chair and I’m tempted to retort by asking where they are, but I’ve seen enough plays that I know the Vultures will immediately appear with my statement.</p><p>I return to my silent position, draped against the cold wall with little resistance because I’m at a loss for strength. It’s strange that the Vultures haven’t arrived yet, I assumed that Kenny was merely supervising my just before their arrival because he clearly didn’t worry about leaving me alone for the past days before. God how many days has it been? I don’t know, I tried to go off of my hunger or sleep schedule but neither lended themselves to aid me. Time seems to run slower, nearly in slow motion when you’re in the dark so maybe it’s only been one night and I’ve just exaggerated it. Kenny’s foot taps impatiently, I’m assuming he’s out of cigars because of the lack of smoke so he’s clearly getting bored with the continuous silence. I’m not going to make his life easier by talking and he’s clearly not going to swallow his pride to talk so we’ll just wait. “Aye boss, there’s something you’ve got to- WHA!”</p><p>Kenny leaps to his feet with the distant voice getting taken advantage of, his chair swinging to the ground with the motion as he rushes away from me. I readjust my footing while trying to finagle with my chains for the last time, I’m certain none of his goons are lurking nearby so this is my one chance to try to escape. My hands can’t reach the cuffs comfortably, I’m stuck wiggling like some fish out of water while straining my already stretched muscles in fruitless attempts. Distant shouting and clanging comes from an outer room and I’d like to assume that it’s in my rescue but I know better. The Vultures probably decided to finish off Kenny’s minions, he did say a massacre after all and I must be the grand finale. But something seems erratic about the adversary’s movements, I can’t hear much but it doesn’t sound like a coordinated attack from a group. It’s strangely familiar, their silence combined with the swing of a long blade isn’t an inherently uncommon attack but I can’t shake the feeling that I know how they’re stepping. </p><p>It’s all happening so quickly and my heart’s racing with the anticipation that the scuffle is going to come near me. It’s a violent ordeal which will soon be directed at me if I don’t act quickly. I’m putting my full weight on both feet, or at least whatever weight I’m granted aside from my suspension, causing my leg to ring with the pain of an untreated broken ankle. Yelps of pain combined with heaviness collapsing to the floor echoes from the other room that I can only assume to be a hallway that leads to this room at the end. No warehouse would have that arrangement, so where the hell am I? I scrunch my forehead and nose, trying to remove my blindfold as quickly as possible but it’s just making the cloth lay more uncomfortably across my eyes. If anything it makes my limited vision worse because now I’m forced to squint to ease the pain of a rough edge against my eyeball. </p><p>The back door flings open again, heavy footsteps that have to be Kenny returning as he comes to move me to a third location. Except my bonds aren’t being released, my blindfold’s not being removed and it’s just footsteps aggressively advancing. The calamity from the rooms outside grow louder, presumably with the open door so I don’t think much of it as other presences enter the room along with Kenny. His curved knife, the very one that repeatedly gets pressed to my neck without actually puncturing my flesh is unsheathed yet again, presumably being swung as his feet leave the ground in a leap. “I’ll just have to kill you myself!” He screams in a fit of madness and I flinch with the imminent painful encounter, but it never comes. A loud thunk knocks my attacker off his path, his body flinging to the floor in the distance combined with another object that I can only assume to be his chair falling alongside him. </p><p>It’s silent again, except for a few steady footsteps not too far from me. There’s no crying in pain, no screaming, no swords clanging, just strained groans or breaths from the crumpled bodies on the floor. My heart’s thudding, practically leaping from my chest with the terror of being alone in this unknown room with someone that easily took down at least a dozen of somewhat skilled criminals. I want to cry out something that could maybe spare my life because I have no idea what side this mysterious attacker is on but my throat is dry from a lack of hydration. My lips purse open with breathlessness, waiting as the presence draws closer and suddenly a hand pins my conjoined wrists further against the wall, the other hand snaking behind my neck and oh fuck I know who it is now. It happens too quickly, I can’t resist (not like I was going to) and my lips press against Zuko’s in a swift inhale of surprise. So my prayers weren’t in vain, he really went through all of the effort to track me to an area that even I don’t know and then defeat all of my captors without so much as a bruise.</p><p>Y’know what I said about everything going in slow motion when you’re in the dark? It’s even worse now, I’m sure Zuko didn’t kiss me as long as I assumed he did but I’d just been through an emotional ride over the eternity in captivity and he somehow managed to do the one thing that could’ve softened my reluctant heart. I won’t run away, hell I won’t go as much as the other room without Zuko because he’s here now and he’s rescued me and we’re alone together. We haven’t said a word to each other, he didn’t give me a chance to apologise or thank him because he’s pressed against me amidst a battlefield of danger. I don’t pull away from his lips as my hands drop with the release of my bonds, resting over his shoulders as Zuko moves his hands to my waist. It’s probably to help me escape because it’d take an idiot to not notice my disability with my ankle but I’d like to think that maybe it’s because he wants to hold me tighter.</p><p>By the time we pull away to catch our breaths, my blindfolds been discarded to some random part of the floor and the first thing I see without hindrance is Zuko’s eyes. They’re content with seeing me safe, a little out of focus from the passion of our reuniting, and concerned with the state I’m in. I’m certain I don’t taste or look particularly appealing at the moment but I can’t be troubled to feel embarrassed because how could I ever feel embarrassed by Zuko now? We’re drawn together, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of the ally’s. If anything I’d say we’re magnets because we always find our way back to the other with some force against either of our wills. My arms are laced across his shoulders just as they were the night of the party, and the way that I’m rocking on my unsteady feet almost makes it seem like we’re dancing together. Yet neither of us said a word. Just silence, staring into the other’s eyes and down at the other’s lips and back to their eyes and oh god can’t he just kiss me again?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was so fun to write, I love looking at other characters and giving them personalities</p><p>ALSO to everyone that comments on my work: you have my hand in marriage ilysm :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. "There’s been a lot on my mind lately, I’m kinda confused"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oh god AP exams are coming up T-T good luck to all of my fellow sleep-deprived students</p><p>TW// abuse, depression, intrusive thoughts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s no stronger force in the world than two people who want to be together. I never thought I’d actually be one of those people because to be frank I always thought Jin was a bit of an extremist to that sense. She has a total disregard for those around her when she’s with Jet and she’s never rude or disrespectful to anyone but at the same time it’s not exactly socially acceptable to be attached at the hip to your boyfriend at all times. And yet despite my internalised vows to never act in that way here I am now, laying on the ground with Zuko despite the dozen unconscious bodies littering the rest of the room. I would’ve referred to it as a warehouse, but now that my blindfold’s been removed it’s more evident that my accomodation was just some underground vault that’s probably not too far from where I was snatched. But then again, I still don’t exactly recollect what the room looks like because besides the fact that it’s somewhat dark in here, my eyes are shut to savour this moment.</p><p>I didn’t intend on falling to this position, having Zuko atop me before either of us could say a word to each other. He tried to carry me out of the room after I was freed from the wall but there’s this funny thing called imbalance combined with soreness from fighting that made him stagger in his step. It’s a little awkward, trying to hold onto Zuko and all with my wrists still bound together because we haven’t found a key to these manacles. That doesn’t stop me from intertwining my fingers through his dark hair, pulling him as close as I can through my strained position. He’s desperate, wanting yet tender in his movements as if I’m going to slip through his grasp again. Well that’s a strange way of putting it, I never exactly was in his grasp to begin with but I suppose I’m not entirely opposed to the idea. </p><p>Totally ruining the moment, I can’t restrain myself from laughing at the impulsivity and randomness of this situation. I mean sure I’ve dreamt about this moment probably every night for the past month but I never thought my prayers whilst in captivity would manifest themselves so quickly. Zuko withdraws less in an offended manner and more of a ‘whoa she’s actually talking’ kinda vibe. He can’t go far though because my arms are still looped across his neck and he’s not using enough force to drag me up. “That was…not how I expected our first kiss to go.” Zuko relaxes with my words (aside from the fact that he’s still red hot from our kiss) because he was expecting me to say something more dramatic or negative. I try to sit up, balancing in some half crunch to not put too much strain on Zuko’s neck while bending my knees to compensate. </p><p>He’s still laying against me, holding himself up with stiff arms and bringing us to such a close proximity that I can barely focus on his features without having to blink to recalibrate my sight. “So…you thought about kissing me before?”</p><p>Now it’s my turn to heat up and there’s no way for me to try to cool down or conceal my appearance because we’re holding to the other ever so tightly. Those were the first words he said to me after almost a week of nothing, a week of dreading the thought of seeing him and simultaneously hoping he’d be the last person I got to see before I died. Which I didn’t do, so now I feel kinda silly constantly praying to some supernatural source to let me be with Zuko but maybe it wasn’t so silly because I technically got what I wanted. “I- that’s not the point,” When I look away from Zuko to conceal my embarrassment, my eyes wander around the room and the rubble that remains which would make it some kind of crime scene so it’s probably best that we leave soon. “It’s just, well, here?” I laugh, cocking my head to the side towards Kenny’s crumbled body nearly ten feet away from us. “Really the romantic, aren’t you?”</p><p>Zuko clears his throat, raising my arms off of his shoulders so we can stand and find some way out of here rather than waiting on the floor until someone interrupts us. “I didn’t kiss you like that I was just checking to see if you were alive.” Typical Zuko. Awkwardly covering up for himself because he’s not great confronting his feelings. Wait, what am I saying, I’m exactly the same way. I don’t push it, not wanting to give him another reason to fall over besides the fact that I’m leaning nearly all of my body weight onto him. Honestly it’d be more convenient for Zuko to just pick me up again but he does that enough and I’d rather not feel worse for being a burden. Once I come into contact with the actual moonlight rather than a torchlight, I finally surmise the grandeur of my captivity. I’m not sure how they managed to knock me out to the point where I was dragged all the way to the heart of the upper ring because this playhouse isn’t exactly the easiest to get to, much less down to some secret bunker below it.</p><p>I know I’m a liar for going back on everything that I’ve been ranting about for the past week, but I really feel as though I’ve had a change of heart. God I hate being hypocritical but I can’t stop myself from wanting to cling to Zuko and never let go. I feel rather dumb because I always thought Jin was pretty needy for basically being attached at the hip to her man of the month but now I understand the appeal, now I understand why someone would want to hold onto the other so tightly and never want to let go. Because I found my home, as dumb and cliche as that sounds, I found my haven from the chaotic hell that’s known as my life. Zuko hadn’t said anything for awhile and it was starting to concern me so I think hey maybe I should say something but what is there for me to say? This situation, when looking at the two of us, is entirely my fault rather than his. I open my mouth just to call out his name or say something, but Zuko beats me to it. “You irresponsible idiot! Running off like that. You’re usually more careful, and yet you…you-“</p><p>“Look it doesn’t matter as long as you’re safe.” I roll my eyes, unintentionally flinching with my words because my body is really sore from my prolonged strained position and lack of sustenance. I’m not trying to sound like a hero or some noblewoman but I can’t deny the fact that I’d rather be suffering any day than see Zuko experience an ounce of it. Does he not realise how reckless he’s been acting? I don’t know and don’t think I’ll ever know what exactly he did to locate me because I know I sure wouldn’t have been able to but it doesn’t seem like it was the most healthy method. Zuko’s never been the epitome of good health because of his pasty skin, somewhat lanky figure, and sullen eyes yet he seems purely exhausted now that I can see him in the light. My legs buckle beneath me and I drag Zuko down to a squat as my conjoined hands clutch my side that’s ravenously throbbing in pain. Oh god this hurts, I must’ve gotten slashed during my captivity and the pain is just now starting to flare up. It’s not unbearable, but this conversation’s getting too serious for my liking. “You can go on living while I-“</p><p>“Stop messing around!” Zuko’s tired eyes are widened with concern, frantically searching himself to find some loose cloth on his outfit to bind my side or support me as I writhe in pain. “You’re not going to die, I won’t let you!” My eyes are squeezed shut in fake agony, chewing the inside of my lip to contain my laughter as Zuko grows more terrified by my act. I should’ve specified, of course my side hurts but this is the first time I’ve seen Zuko so concerned and I can’t help myself from taking advantage of the situation. So why not play it up a bit, making it seem more detrimental to my health and maybe lay down and pretend to die. Hey I’m not THAT much of an asshole because I had to spend nearly a week forced into some life or death situation and it’s my first opportunity to joke without fearing for my life. Zuko’s hands shake my shoulders violently as I make my body limp, rolling my head to the side with shut eyes as he brushes my hair from my face to try to revive me.</p><p>I exhale quickly, laughing as I sit up and bend my knees to a more comfortable position. “Nah, I won’t die on you. I promise.” Raising my pinky finger highly, I try to signify that I’m making a promise to Zuko but he’s not amused. He’s gaping lightly, a singular raised eyebrow turning into a glare as my chest shakes with more chuckles. “You think something like this could kill me? Hell no.” I’m a little disappointed that Zuko believed my ruse so easily, I would’ve expected him to find me as somewhat indestructible because of everything I’ve gone through just within the time frame that he’s been in Ba Sing Se. “A little healing can take care of my wounds, some bedrest and I’ll be ready to do it all over again.” I smile brightly for probably the first time since I’ve been released but Zuko’s refusing to accept my joke and forgive me for freaking him out. He knows I don’t like to take things too seriously, yet here he is getting all wound up over my obvious exaggeration.</p><p>“Y/N!”</p><p>“Oh come on that was funny.” I punch his arm with my right fist, awkwardly trying to make my left hand avoid contact. Hopefully Yi has something to remove these manacles at home because I’d like to take them off as soon as possible and try to forget this past week in its entirety. Zuko rests his head against his knees while his hands run back and forth against his scalp, clearly trying to calm himself down over this situation because he’s overtired, enhungered, thirsty, and probably in need of a bath as much as I am. “It’s not like you to get so concerned.” I gently pat his head in my attempt to relax him and snap him out of this stupor because I can’t stand up on my own and we’re sitting in the middle of the road at who knows what hour so who knows when the early morning traffic is going to start? And of course I’m trying to console Zuko because I probably went too far with my joke and now I lowkey regret it because I need him to be the stronger one out of the two of us and I just broke him.</p><p>“You really are an idiot. The biggest idiot in the entire Earth Kingdom.” Zuko shakes his head, finally pushing himself to his feet and dragging my up by my elbows. I hobble beside him once again, his arm looped through my temporary position to help support my bad leg. “I should’ve known something was off, there’s no way you could die from a broken ankle.” I nod in response because that’s true, I didn’t preface my fake side injury enough to make that believable and the only person that’s died from a foot injury is a soldier trapped in the midst of a battle. “You can be so reckless sometimes, I thought this might’ve been some kind of divine punishment.” He adds with a ‘tch’ sound because that’s Zuko’s way of poking fun at me. I pout, elbowing him firmly in the side and making him grunt with the contact and its funny that I chose to hit him there because I was just barely faking an injury in the exact spot.</p><p>“Hey that’s not fair, I thought you were happy to see me.”</p><p>“I am, but honestly? I don’t know how to feel about this.” Zuko drops his annoyance and irritation with my previous joke, taking on a more somber tone that makes me slow my pace even more and refrain from any kind of tease. I want to ask him to go on but I don’t want him to say something that’ll make me lose the romanticism of my rescue. Because honestly I don’t know how I feel about this either. I’m not trying to say I’m damaged goods, but I’m damaged goods. And it’s no walk in the park getting involved with me or my family. I truly want to stay in Zuko’s arms and move in with him and Iroh and do something lame like make tea for at least the next few years of my life but I can’t. I have to fight these urges to say something that’ll start something that we can’t stop because it’s a dangerous game. And I know if I ask Zuko to say more and explain himself it won’t be the answer I want or need to hear and it’ll just make me feel more sick to my stomach. It’s funny, one moment I’m laughing and joking and the next I’m coming to terms with my inescapable fate and how I’m on the verge of intertwining Zuko with such.</p><p>I’m not going to run away, but I’m not going to accept Zuko with willing arms either. My rescue wasn’t a mistake. Zuko and I truly care about each other, and we can both admit that it’s much better for everyone now that I’m safe. The kiss, however, was quite possibly the biggest mistake that we could’ve done. I’m not going to be an idiot and deny that I have feelings for Zuko or that he reciprocates them but I’d be a bigger idiot to ignore the consequences of it. Kisses are dangerous, they start things that can’t be so easily stopped and leave openings for more heartache and pain. And don’t we have enough of that in our lives already? “Hey Zuko,” I swallow nervously, wanting to be anywhere but here while simultaneously fearing being anywhere without him. “Remember how I said I didn’t care if I got killed on some kind of raid?” I recall back to one of our many night walks after Zuko found out about my nocturnal activity, joking about how I fear Maou more than I fear death because death hasn’t taken me yet. Zuko didn’t show it at the time but I know I bothered him with what I said.</p><p>“Of course I remember.”</p><p>Ever since I met Zuko, life’s become less of a drag. Well it’s not like my life was necessarily boring before but I felt like I was going through a routine rather than a life. I felt like some husk of a human that was just abused and used by nearly every she came into contact with, someone that was forced to survive and invoke pain onto others. And now, well I feel really soppy saying this, I found someone that makes my heart race. My showers don’t sting anymore, I’ve caught myself looking both ways before I cross the tram tracks, and on the rare occasion that I get enough sleep I find myself dreaming of Zuko and being at peace. I was in denial for a very long time but it’s all making sense now, I suppose. I wasn’t waiting for just anyone to rescue me, I was waiting for Zuko to come. “Well I’ve realised something. I’m not really trying to get myself killed before you. You know that, right?” I fight my impulse to propose a double suicide as an alternative. </p><p>It’s too early in the morning for the trams to be running so we have to trek all the way to the middle ring on foot. It doesn’t cross my mind about what’s going to happen when I come home or rather what my other captors are going to say in response to my state. I don’t think Yi or Maou cares that I was gone for five days but they’re never happy with me so I can’t win no matter what happens. But coming home with Zuko? I’m debating the idea of just following him home to save myself from a lecture until I look decent. “I know, but I’m tired of finding you in situations like this.” The fact that he’s found me in ‘situations’ like this before should be concerning enough. “Situations where you’re in danger and it’s actually not your fault.” Ouch, he’s not wrong about that. I do have a tendency to make more problems for myself than necessary. “Because someday I might not to be here to save you.”</p><p>Might? That’s very indeterminate, is this Zuko’s way of saying he’s not going to leave? Is he planning on leaving? Was he about to pull a me on me? Oh god why is my heart racing now, I feel my cheeks heating up because it’s actually nice to hear someone being concerned from me especially when that someone is Zuko and damnit I feel my legs starting to swoon. Fuck I have to say something I can’t let Zuko see me all flustered because I’m not that kind of person. I’d be coming on too strong if I say something like ‘I’ll always be here to save you to’ because that’s way too heroic and romantic sounding. And if I did say something like that Zuko might interpret it as stemming from my recovery and gratitude rather than genuine feelings. No, I have to keep my cool and reestablish some boundaries that might’ve became skewed with our kiss and god why did he have to kiss me and why did I kiss him back this is just making things worse. “Who says I need your saving?”</p><p>I tried to sneer and appear superior to Zuko, or at least like I’m independent but Zuko just has to stop in his tread and use one hand to gesture towards my body. “Just look at yourself.” He’s not wrong at all, my hair’s all messy, my wrists are bound with some grimy handcuffs, my clothes are torn and dirty and stained, and I overall look worse than the impoverished beggars that litter the lower rings and practically sell themselves for money. I feel some urge to pull myself away from Zuko and hide because I look like a mess and he’s forced to hang onto someone as disgusting as me. I want to scream and the voices in my head that tell me I don’t deserve Zuko’s attention get louder and louder until my chest tightens and my throat starts to close. I don’t deserve him. I’m weak and fragile and he’s going to hate me once he finds out the rest of my shit because nobody understands. He’s going to leave, and if he won’t he should because no one should have to bear with me. No one should have to deal with the burden that I am.</p><p>I guess Zuko was anticipating me to protest his statement because that’s what I usually do but I’m shaking now, stiffer in my limping movements and now he doesn’t know what to do with me. I can’t help it that I’m like this, that my head can’t decide what I want or how I feel about things but I’m just so scared all the time. I want to enjoy life and pursue the things I like but Maou’s shadow looms over me and reminds me of my place. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t escape him, so even though it was a blessing that I was freed from the Northern Water Tribe the Triad is keeping me from freedom. I genuinely don’t want Zuko gone but it’d break my heart if Maou found out about him and made me suffer more. Before I can acknowledge my feelings to Zuko I need a plan or at least some kind of refuge in case things go terrible. But maybe that ruins the fun of life, having to constantly look over your shoulder but these bonds are latched onto me for as long as I stay in the city. </p><p>“Um” God I sound like an idiot just fucking say it and stop this little uncertain fumbling. I swallow quickly, imaging forcing down all of the depressing thoughts that cloud my mind because I shouldn’t dwell on them and get too wrapped up with the potential possibilities rather than what’s happening in the present. This is why I hate thinking about the future, it always puts me in some bad mood because I have multiple inevitable nightmares (the Triad, losing Jin and Zuko, my fire bending literally killing me, to name a few) that I’ve tried to ignore for so long and ultimately make me sink into some depression. What a cruel world we live in. Zuko patiently watches me go through the five stages of grief in barely a minute. “You’re not gonna leave, right?” I add the ‘right’ at the end because it’s my way of convincing myself that everything’s going to be alright and I just need to hear Zuko give some verbal confirmation of such.</p><p>Zuko does his little ‘tch’ sound again while picking up the pace to drag me closer to my house because we’ve rounded the corner onto my street. If I was going to follow Zuko home we would’ve taken a different path but it’s too late now so maybe it’s better if he gets something to eat before he goes back to confront Iroh after who knows how many days apart. “Like hell I’d ever leave you alone now.” Good, I don’t want him to leave me alone now. Maybe I can make him some personal bodyguard for the time being but Maou would get suspicious and god here I go again getting ahead of myself about something that has yet to happen. I lean my head onto Zuko’s shoulder and he doesn’t flinch or quicken his breath anymore, it just feels natural and if anything it’s me that’s getting anxious about physical contact. My chest tightens when he reaches up to gently pat the top of my head and even though it’s literally the smallest gesture I can’t think straight and butterflies start racing in my stomach.</p><p>I want to stay like this but we’re ten feet at best from the tea shop and I don’t want Yi to start assuming the worst about my disappearance. Zuko’s hand rests in his position, holding me onto his shoulder and I don’t want to ruin this because I know it probably took him a lot of courage to do this but it’s too late. I lean my head forward, reaching both of my hands to gently readjust our position so we’re walking in as two separate beings. “Well, aha, I have to go shower so…” I look up seductively at Zuko who forgets that he’s been making the first move on me all morning and steps back with embarrassment. Now that I’m the one acting cool I tempt the idea of showering with Zuko, it’s strange how quickly the two of us alternate these roles. “I’m just kidding, damn I thought you knew me better than that.” I gesture for him to follow me in because the last time Zuko and I separated I got kidnapped so I don’t trust him to go off alone. My hand wraps around the handle that I’ve grasped so many times at this hour of night, gently pushing it open with Zuko tentatively standing behind to catch me if I collapse.</p><p>“Where the fuck have you been?!” Yi screams, tossing down a teacup that’s probably filled with some alcohol because she always does that if she’s still up drinking past one in the morning. I can’t say anything because she rushes to hug me, pulling me tightly to the point that if we weren’t the same height my feet would definitely be off the ground. Yi knows I’m not a very touchy person so she really must not be thinking in the right headspace and whether that’s from 1) drinking 2) my disappearance or 3) Maou’s threats I’m not sure. Zuko’s hand rests on the small of my back, trying to support me because Yi was being her usual unperceptive self and didn’t notice that I can’t balance on my own in her rush to hold onto me. I’d say I found it weird that everyone I’ve seen is holding onto me now that I’m back but who am I kidding, I’m not exactly fighting off these advances. “I was so worried don’t ever leave for so long and holy hell what did you do to yourself?!”</p><p>“I, uh,” I stutter in my words because how do I explain that I got kidnapped by the infamous organ harvesters that aren’t exactly chummy with Maou and somehow was rescued by Zuko? I glance around the room because I can’t find it within myself to look Yi in the eyes and I need something to divert the conversation. There’s so much I still don’t know about what happened that I don’t want to talk about it and knowing Yi she’s probably just grateful to see me that she won’t try to push an explanation so suddenly. When I look to the kitchen I see a familiar friendly figure who was eagerly listening to the conversation and understood my predicament. Iroh waves a teapot in the air, frantically pointing and I carefully nod, following his cue. “First I want some tea.” I don’t question why Iroh’s here, why he and Yi were waiting in the kitchen for who knows how long but any confusion I had is quickly answered by the man himself.</p><p>“I heard about some deranged teenager asking around the upper ring to help him find someone he lost; I figured he was my nephew.” Iroh narrates, pouring me a cup that I won’t drink because I can’t stomach anything without a proper night’s rest but I strangely don’t feel tired. So I’m just staring down at the steaming liquid with tired eyes, everyone watching at me like it’s my birthday and they’re waiting for me to blow out the candles or open a gift. But it’s not my birthday, it’s not anything to celebrate and I’m just blankly left in this position while everyone expects me to react or say something. I half expected Zuko to say some annoyed quip at his uncle for calling him deranged but he’s just as worn out as I, slumping in his seat and blinking heavily with drooping eyelids. “So I thought he’d come back here soon enough, and my assumption was correct.” Iroh warmly smiles with a disregard for the situation, resting a heated palm on both of our backs.</p><p>“Now just wait a minute!” Yi cries after I refused to drink the tea that I requested earlier, now choosing to demand a shower because I feel disgusting. “You can’t just keep- ugh, Y/N, talk to me!” Yi shakes my shoulders rapidly which really hurts but I can’t resist her because I just need to sleep now. I know I wanted to shower but I can’t trust that I won’t pass out from pure exhaustion. I weakly shrug, starting to come to terms with the reality of my situation and how I really need to talk to Yi because she’s not going to stop her questions and I probably won’t be able to even stand up without her interrogating the hell out of me. “Please, I need to know what you’re going through!” Ha! I almost laugh at that. </p><p>She wants to…know what I’m going through? What kind of sick joke is that? Six years of being my parental guardian that actually took care of me yet not once did she try to understand me or sympathise or direct me. It’s only been when Zuko came into the picture that she actually started paying attention to me and trying to give an ounce of motherly advice. Where was she when I was getting sexually assaulted by Scar? Where was she when I was passed out and blackout drunk from a party? Where was she when I got wrapped up with Ida? Where was she when I needed her most, when I was crying in my bed after getting beaten by Maou? Where was she when I was overlooking the edge of the rooftop and debating whether or not to fling myself from it? It’s simple- she wasn’t there. And now Yi expects me to just open up about everything that’s happened and everything I’m feeling as if that’s going to make a difference.</p><p>“She needs some time to herself-“ Zuko interjects but Yi turns on him sharply, eyes flaring with anger for his disturbance. She’d probably have better luck with getting an explanation from Zuko even though his understanding of the situation was based on assumptions and rumours. God how did I get so lucky that I could have someone like Zuko in my life? Nobody interrupts a mother (as lousy of one as they may be) when she’s trying to find out something from her daughter. And here Zuko is, a guest in her house having the audacity to speak for me as if I wasn’t doing that a minute before. Iroh gently smacks the back of Zuko’s head, prompting him to get up so they can leave because he’s sensed they’ve overstayed their welcome. I want to grasp his hand and keep them from leaving because I don’t want to talk to Yi at all. I feel repulsed by her presence and I’m sure it’s my lack of sanity speaking rather than any real malice. Sighing, I bow my head and get ready to recount what I can because there’s no real way out of this.</p><p>———————</p><p>“God you’ve gotten skinny I’m jealous.” Jin pouts as if she isn’t the smaller one out of the two of us. It’s true though, I did lose significant weight after being starved during my imprisonment and even though I never had the best relationship with food it’s enough of a difference for Jin to comment. I was a little disappointed when she wasn’t there for my return or rescue because I knew she was with Zuko beforehand, but then I realise how overwhelmed I’d feel if it was her and Jet along with Yi and Iroh and Zuko interrogating me after I got home. Jin flopped down at the foot of my bed around nine in the morning demanding me to start talking to her because she heard that the playhouse near her house was being shut down for illegal activity which confirmed Chu’s suspicions of the Vultures being centred there. And I didn’t have enough energy to resist her so I forced myself to act somewhat awake.</p><p>“Thanks, I haven’t eaten in days.” I yawn while scratching the side of my head vigorously because I don’t think I washed my shampoo out entirely in my exhaustion. Jet’s not here, he let Jin rush over to my house the first thing in the morning because she was worrying all night and he didn’t trust her to leave when it was dark. “Z- Lee mentioned that you took him to Chu’s.” I muse, rolling my shoulders back as if I wasn’t going to remain in bed for the entirety of this day. Part of me wants to chastise Jin for taking Zuko to such a sketchy area but I really have no room to talk in that matter so I stomach some acceptance for now. She wasn’t intending on putting Zuko in danger and it’s ironic because I should be more concerned for Jin because she can’t fight but that doesn’t change the fact that she dragged him into the lowlifes of Ba Sing Se’s realm.</p><p>“Oh no no no no no it’s not what you think! I swear we were safe, Lee actually had a knife with him and Jet knows how to fight so everything was fine.” Jin cheerily smiles as if that was supposed to console me. Wow thanks I feel a lot better knowing that Zuko was taken to an unfamiliar place with the one person he can’t stand. God I feel like a mother all of the sudden, filled with some urges to protect Zuko from everything wrong in the world. What hurts more is I know it’s me that needs more protection out of the two of us, I have more pressing issues and a more damaging past, yet that doesn’t invalidate what Zuko’s gone through either. It isn’t a competition of who’s more helpless between the two of us, I’m just stuck behind this victimising mindset because I feel so hopeless but I simultaneously convincing myself that I’m stronger than Zuko and I need to protect him. My mind weirdly looks like that, it can’t pick a side and constantly goes back and forth from praising or demeaning myself. “Did you hit your head or something? You’re not usually so protective.”</p><p>Shit. I got soft. There’s nothing wrong with being concerned for others but lately I’ve found myself more of a worrier which isn’t a good mindset to have while being a part of the Triad. I’m not going to exaggerate and pretend that it’s only a recent development because I’ve always been somewhat protective over Jin, even if she didn’t realise it at the time. She’s not very perceptive, often daydreaming in her own world and leaving me to stay focused to keep her from getting lost in a crowd. “No, it’s just-“ just what? My mind’s conflicted because I can’t decide if I should pursue what brings me happiness even though it’ll lead to heartache later and ultimately endanger others or if I should shut away my one opportunity to be free and remain a slave to Maou while hurting the people I’m close to now. It’s a matter of if I want to prolong the time until everyone around me gets hurt, because it’s ultimately my fate that everyone around me will be hurt. “There’s been a lot on my mind lately, I’m kinda confused.”</p><p>“Confused about what?” Jin inquires, leaning forward with eager eyes as if it’s something I can just easily say. But is it even as complicated as I’m making it? I’m not trying to be difficult or make things out to be how they’re not but I know myself and I know Maou and I know that I have a shortened lifespan so I should be concerned, right? I haven’t found a group of friends quite like my current one, well actually we’re less a group of friends and more of two couples that congregate together. But are Zuko and I even a couple? I know he’s thought of that and I know some small part of me desires it ravenously but I’m holding myself back. So how am I supposed to answer Jin? She’s not like me, she could never understand my exact situation because we haven’t been through the same shit and I’m never going to tell anyone the extent of this. Not even Zuko, he has his own tragic backstory haunting him and he doesn’t need my burden as well. “If this is about Lee it took you long enough.”</p><p>I bite my inner lip fiercely because goddamn how did she catch on that fast? Am I that easy to read? Jin waves her hand towards me expectantly, waiting for me to elaborate and though I usually feel at a loss for words with him everything just seems to come out at once. “Well it’s just weird between us now because I think we both like each other but neither of us are making the first move and I don’t want to accidentally get him involved with Maou or something dangerous so I can’t ignore my circumstances even though it sounds like a dumb dealbreaker so I decided to just distance us so I could lose feelings before he got hurt and then when I was held hostage I couldn’t stop thinking about him which completely undermined everything I was thinking before and then when he rescued me we kissed and now I don’t know what to think-“</p><p>“Hold on, you and Lee kissed??” Jin looks like some eight year old girl during the gift giving parts of a spring festival, all starry eyed and even more eager to listen. After all that I rambled about of course she only focused on the part about Zuko and I kissing, I should’ve known better than to open up about all of this to Jin but then again it did feel nice to finally vocalise this. I look back at Jin, almost ashamed as if I haven’t walked in on her giving head at least six times within the past year. I don’t know why I’m like this I know Jin’s not icky about physical things like someone else would be but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still anxious about opening up. Hell I could tell this to Yi without getting judged because I regrettably know what type of relationship she and Maou have but for some reason I felt as though I was above that kind of intimacy. I can’t phrase it correctly but I don’t mind hearing about those around me being physical, I hold myself to a different standard I suppose.</p><p>“Well yeah but I thought it was because I was going to die.”</p><p>“So if I rescued you instead of Lee would you have made out with me because you thought you were going to die?”</p><p>How can Jin tell that we made out? I mean given no one just kisses these days but I don’t recall elaborating more than that. And the fact that I didn’t defend myself more shows that she was correct, as usual. I’m fiddling my fingers like an idiot, trying to justify myself because Jin’s really making me question my motives. I mean technically I did kiss Zuko because it was in the rush of the moment and I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming at first or not but I also kissed him because I like him and I was grateful for his rescue and ugh I’m even more confused now. It’s only been a few hours since we last saw each other however I can’t decide if it’s better to go to him or have him come to me. It was Zuko that initiated the kiss, dominated it’s a better word, but maybe he was just doing it in the rush of the moment? Neither of us were particularly sane when we reunited. “Well, no, but-“</p><p>“So you didn’t kiss him because you thought you were going to die.” She smiles mischievously, practically rubbing her hands together with anticipation for an onslaught of teases that’ll make me regret even showing that I knew who Zuko was. The next hour would be filled with Jin’s quips about our imminent marriage and how she was right the whole time about us to the point I can barely get my own word in. It’s not until I forcibly push Jin out of my room which was quite a difficult endeavour because of my broken ankle that I can finally get some peace. She’s probably scurrying off to brighten Yi’s spirits with her newfound discovery so its best for me to just wait in my room and sit this out. Collapsing to my knees, I curve my hand under the bottom of my bed to reach for my secret cabinet. I don’t have anything weird down there, don’t get the wrong idea, but just small bundles of herbal medicine that I can use to heal wounds that I earn when I’m not on Maou’s patrol. </p><p>To save myself from an interrogation later, I gently tug on its drawstring to release these little pods into the palm of my hand. My knife’s still resting on my desktop so I use the blunt edge to squash the pods into some sort of paste because I’m not going to crawl downstairs for a mortar and pestle. I massage it around the swollen areas of my ankle, tenderly pressing against the curves to not irritate myself too much. Usually it takes a few hours for the medicinal mixture to heal my foot to a painfully walkable state, however seeing as this fracture was unattended for days it might as well take the whole day. So I’m yet again held captive in solitude because I don’t have enough energy to deal with Yi or Jin and I don’t have any way to go to Zuko. I hop back to my bed, flopping into the crumpled up covers and smothering my face into my pillow to hopefully nap and kill time.</p><p>———————</p><p>Rocks. I thought it was maybe some kind of bird that was tapping on my window but its past sundown and birds aren’t usually that active this late. I was having a pleasant dream that I ultimately forgot the moment my eyes were opened because I was interrupted by the sound of something repeatedly knocking against my window. In little intervals around twenty seconds apart, to be exact. Squinting my tired eyes doesn’t show me what’s throwing the random pebbles against the glass panes so I concede and stride over to open up my window. My foot’s a little tender still so it’s not the most comfortable to walk but I’m starting to get irritated by the noise so I have to take a look. Not wasting time on being tentative, I throw open the window right as another rock comes, catching it in my palm so it doesn’t hit me square in the face. I peer down suspiciously, rolling the rock in my hand so I can throw it at the perpetrator but one look down makes me drop it instinctively. “Uh, hey”</p><p>Zuko’s still wearing his work uniform, he clearly walked here right after his shift and I really wonder how Iroh doesn’t get the slightest bit concerned with his frequent departures, particularly with my previous incident in mind. “I didn’t want to wake up Yi.” Zuko points towards the door with one hand, the other presenting this small bag towards me. He’s not wrong for assuming that Yi’s asleep, she’s been asleep more than I have been today, but was he intending on climbing all the way up to my window instead? There’s no awning for him to use as footing, and with the bag it’s not going to be an easy feat. I nod briefly, withdrawing from the windowsill to creep down the stairs to let him in but I’m walking very cautiously and slowly so by the time I reach my door Zuko’s already hoisting himself into my room. I lean against the wood frame with my hands behind my back because this is the first time we’ve been alone together since that night, given it was last night or more specifically this morning but its felt like an eternity.</p><p>“Well this is kinda random” I laugh, moving onto my bed while Zuko sets his bag down to pull out two smaller boxes that I’m presuming have some food in them because he can’t transport tea like that. Are we about to have some sort of makeshift picnic in my room? Probably. Never thought that would happen, I gotta check it off my non-existent bucket list of things I want to do before I kill myself. Glancing at the boxes I immediately recognise the design as one of the patisseries a few minutes from my house and I find it strange that out of all the times Zuko and I have gone out to eat he always has a tendency to chose something sweet. He probably has a sweet tooth or something and I won’t deny the fact that I enjoy sweets fine but they don’t have the same charm because I was deprived of them as a child. Normally that would make people crave them more but I just never developed a predisposition for them I suppose. “If you’re worried about me not eating enough I’m fine.”</p><p>“Or maybe I walked past the shop and thought it looked good, not everything’s about you Y/N.” Zuko adds sarcastically, still searching in the bag as if he put something else in there too. I raise an eyebrow because Zuko’s getting worse at hiding why he comes to see me. I used to harbour a sneaking suspicion that he stopped by because he was into me and now that I’m certain of such I’m sure he knows that I know and there’s really no point for him to try to cover it up. I know it’s only been a minute or two of interaction but he hasn’t said anything about our kiss so maybe it didn’t mean anything to him and maybe I’m overthinking it and maybe he was just doing it in the moment because he was relieved but it didn’t feel that way and damn why are feelings so complicated? I’m still unsure of why I kissed him back so its only natural for me to be confused of his intentions. Maybe Zuko’s equally as conflicted and the normal healthy thing to do is to just talk about it but who the fuck does that? </p><p>“Well whatever lies you’re going to say for your reason won’t sway me. But I’ll have you know I’ve been doing fine since you brought me home.” My feet are moving without so much as a prompting, drawing me closer to Zuko while he watches with a skeptical look. Or maybe it wasn’t so skeptical, the only light in my room is that of the moon because I haven’t had enough time to light a candle and it’s getting later in the night. “And about that, I could’ve handled myself. I’m not some helpless damsel in distress that needs someone to swoop in and rescue her.” My hands wrap around his waist just as he was to me last night, my fingers delicately strumming the tie of his apron. “I’ve had more years training with a blade than you’ve spent with your scar so there’s no reason that you should’ve stepped in.” I’m lying through my teeth as if I wasn’t the one on the verge of crying out his name while being helplessly imprisoned. But I can’t let Zuko know that because I don’t want to come undone by a coincidence.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Zuko completely ignores my previous rambling that was in reality just me trying to convince myself that I’m not pathetic and focuses on my actions. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn’t realised how close I was to him, hell I’m practically pressed directly against him and my arms encircle his midriff. Did I mean to do this? No, not at all, I thought we were past the kissing incident yet here I am pushing the boundaries and making the first move again. My tension from shock gives the opposite movement than what I intended, which was embracing Zuko tighter. I avoid his eyes, staring at his chest while his hands linger awkwardly in the air to not interfere with my grasp.</p><p>“I was taking off your apron.” But I can’t find myself actually doing that, I’m still somewhat frozen in my position because I wasn’t thinking straight and now I’m back against Zuko which normally is comforting but the uncertainty in the air makes it worse. He’s not going to say anything about the kiss and neither will I. It’s our little secret. Well, our and Jin’s secret. Actually make that ours and Jin’s and Yi’s secret. Eh enough with semantics, you get the idea. Zuko grasps my arms just below the shoulders, not trying to draw me closer or force me away though. Just…holding them. I break my stone position and glance upwards to meet his gaze and I’m equally as lost as him. Whether it’s lost in his eyes or lost in intention, the world will never know. We’re not blankly staring but its not romantic either, not angry, not hurt, not sad, not intrigued, not confused, but searching. As if something’s missing or we’re holding back.</p><p>“No you weren’t.” Time stops as we continue our staring contest that neither of us were aware of, just watching the other as if some answer would appear to the question looming in our minds. I want to know what his intentions are with this, with us, and I’m sure Zuko’s thinking the same. But we don’t utter a word, just blinking to snap us out of this daze, separating, and clearing our throats to divert our gaze to random spots on the floor. I chew my lip aggressively because I have no idea of how to restart this conversation and Zuko doesn’t either so we’re stuck in this limbo again. “Here-“ Zuko quickly grabs one of the boxes and thrusts it towards me so I have no choice but to catch it before it falls to the ground. “I should get going-“ he places the other box back in the bag and oh fuck he wanted to stay for a bit and I want him to too but now he’s stepping up to the window sill and-</p><p>“Wait!” I call out, gently tugging him back by his sleeve. Please don’t leave. Not again. Not ever. You shouldn’t have left this morning at all but you did and now you’re back and I don’t want to let go ever again. Zuko’s eagerly waiting for me to just ask him to stay because its what we both want but he doesn’t want to come off too strong and oh god why aren’t the words coming to my mouth? “You aren’t going to break your promise that quickly, are you?” I laugh weakly, referring to when Zuko said (and I quote) ‘like hell I’d ever leave you alone now’ not twenty-four hours prior. So this is what we are now, both desperate to remain with the other and attain the other’s approval but also feeling burdensome and unworthy of the other’s attention. What a fantastic paradox we’ve established. I don’t think any amount of time spent together will make that mindset go away, we’ve just been programmed to see ourselves as inferior.</p><p>Yet again Zuko’s unexplainably at my house and I don’t fear anyone walking in because everyone in the house knows to give me time to recover from my disappearance. Zuko bought two different types of desserts, one being this small cake with strawberries and the other a meager egg tart. I reach forward to grab the tart because I honestly prefer that more but he’s already handing me a small fork for the cake and I can’t refuse now. Zuko’s leaning against my desk in a lounging manner and because I can’t believe this is real I match my feet to his so we sit across from the other. No one speaks, not a single word because all our words are in our eyes or whatever poetic bullshit I can say to describe this. It’s an eternity in a moment, I can’t feel the flow of time and it’s simple because we’re just eating of all things but nothing’s felt real lately and I can’t tell if I’m dreaming from sleep deprivation. Zuko’s staring at me, he usually just stares into the distance or averts his eyes but it’s almost as if he’s waiting to say something. “Do you want some of this?”</p><p>I raise my fork with a small piece of cake that managed to balance some of the whipped frosting and a sliced strawberry atop. Normally I don’t like sharing my meals because that’s kinda unsanitary but Zuko did buy this and we’ve both literally bled onto the other so I feel as though the concept of sanitation is in a grey area. Zuko shrugs, setting his back into his box and bending his legs to lean forward. “Yeah sure” Oh god I’m getting flashbacks to the ramen. Is this coming on too strong? I’m just trying to be polite, of course I have the hots for him but that’s not the reason I’m feeding him and fuck why is my hand starting to quiver now of all times? Right as Zuko’s an arm’s length away I withdraw my extended offering, pulling it back to hover before my mouth because I suddenly lost my sense of appetite. </p><p>“Then you should’ve gotten it for yourself.” I respond nonchalantly, setting it back into the half eaten dessert as if I was going to finish it. I don’t mean to sit and watch Zuko eat but it’s late and I don’t feel some strong desire to eat. Maybe I’ll stomach it because it’s Zuko that brought it to me and I’m sure he chose the cake because I’ve mentioned that fruits make desserts better and god I feel bad now where the hell did I put my fork? Zuko rolls his eyes with annoyance, retreating to finish his tart and strangely our feet remained pressed together throughout this endeavour. I’ve never been a super cake-y person and here I am forcing forkfuls of moist sponge doused with a cream and fresh strawberries down my throat just because I felt bad. I tempt the idea of saving some for him but I don’t want Zuko to think I’m trying to trick him again or create more tension so I just finish my dessert quietly.</p><p>“So, um, how’s…recovery?” I have to refrain from laughing because part of me is tempted to give some sarcastic response about how it’s been lovely to be in a real bed but my dry humour was lost with the cake. There’s no point trying to cover it up because although I have permanent eye bags marking my face, they’re particularly sullen with the past week of things. Zuko crawled forward to grasp my box since its one of his little habits to help people clean up because of his work as a waiter but now he’s sitting beside me, hunched forward while I rest my head onto the stiff mattress of my bed. I’m fucking exhausted. No amount of sleep could change that and it’s taking every ounce of my being to not collapse into some restless coma. Zuko’s surprise visit did give me a small boost of energy, but it’s not enough.</p><p>“Awful, I just want to go outside but Yi’s watching me like a hawk.” It’s true, every time I step out of my room she randomly spawns before me to demand questions or insist I go back to bed. And, technically, I haven’t left my room so she can’t chastise me for having a guest over. Especially not if that guest’s Zuko. I want to lean my head into Zuko’s lap and fall asleep but I know that he can’t stay forever and I don’t want to tie him down. So I opt for his shoulder which still makes him tense up but not for more than a moment. I hope someday we’ll be able to comfortably touch without Zuko feeling nervous or me overthinking everything but I’ve seemed to have used up all of my miracles from the heavens above. </p><p>Zuko doesn’t lean his head against mine, he never does. He doesn’t protest when I touch him or anything but he rarely reciprocates with the same energy which used to make me think that he was annoyed but he would’ve pushed me off if that was the case. Gazing out the window, there’s not much of a view because the moon is partially covered by misty clouds but I’m still intently watching as if it could transport us from our current situation. “That sounds boring.” Slight adjustments, they’re very slight and barely noticeable except the room is so undisturbed that of course I’m going to notice. Before we were both sitting with our knees bent but it’s more relaxed now, I’m curled against Zuko and his legs are straightened and I may or may not be holding his hand in mine and damn why is everything moving so fast? It feels like it’s just the two of us here, on top of the world or something cliche like that, and no one else can come close or distract us from the other.</p><p>“Yeah, it is.” But not now, I mentally respond but I don’t want to come on too strong. Which is ironic because we’re cuddling on my floor with a locked door after he snuck in so I shouldn’t be worrying about that at all. I know I always compare myself to Jin in this sense but is this really what it’s like? It’s such a rush of excitement yet ease that’s indescribable and I don’t want to be anywhere else than in his arms in this moment. When I dated Ida, if you can even call it that, we never had intimate moments quite like this. Sure we were sexually active and when he wasn’t flirting with other girls he insisted on having me cling onto him but it never was quite like this. I didn’t feel appreciated with Ida, I felt wanted but in a different way than I feel with Zuko. I trace my thumb over Zuko’s fingers, tentatively stroking his pale skin while fighting some wave of tiredness. “Hey, I know I should’ve said this earlier but uh, thanks for not listening to me when I said I never wanted to see you again.”</p><p>I had forgotten that I said that to him in my rush of the moment, but Iroh offhandedly reminded me when I was talking with him while Zuko was in the washroom. I think I owe Zuko an apology for that, along with an apology for making him worry, for making him save me, for dealing with Yi, for being forced to work with Jet, for not giving him a piece of the cake he bought, and for being such a burden as I am. “I didn’t have a choice, who else would be my distraction at work?” Zuko responded indifferently, as if it was the most obvious reason in the world but oh my god I’m starting to swoon. He likes it when I interrupt him at work? He doesn’t see me as some kind of irritant or burden? No, he’s just saying that and why are my cheeks feeling warm oh fuck why can’t I just sink into a hole and die? “Are you blushing?”</p><p>“What?” My hand shoots up to my cheek, pressing against my burning skin because its too dark for him to have seen and did I heat up that much? I immediately pull myself off of Zuko, turning to the side and pressing my wrists towards my face as if I could put away the blush but nothing’s working and now I’m more red from embarrassment than flattery. “No, it’s just hot in here.” I lie, rapidly chewing the inside of my lip because now he’s gotten me flustered and I’m too prideful to admit that I’m caught off guard by Zuko’s weak flirting. It’s not even remotely hot in here, the window’s open in the dead of night because that’s when he and I spend the most time together and yet I’m trying to use that as a justification for my reaction. I can’t even lie well anymore, what the hell has Zuko done to me?</p><p>“No it isn’t. You’re totally blushing.” I’m crouched down while burying my head in my knees, trying to hide from Zuko as he crawls closer and rests a warm hand on my back just to make it worse. I can’t see him but I can already tell he’s giving some haughty smile that’s generally uncharacteristic of him but I rarely give Zuko an opportunity to act like he has the upper hand. He’s enjoying this too much, pulling my shoulder back so he can see me in my embarrassment but I wasn’t balancing well so I stumble forward, dragging Zuko with me because he was pulling against my tunic. And yet again we’re as we were in that underground lair, me trapped beneath Zuko as he stares down at me with initial perplexment, which quickly fades to a smug look as he notices our position. I can’t decide if I want to stay like this with him or if I want to roll out from underneath because it still doesn’t feel real and maybe I’m just tripping from the residue of the hallucinogens I was forced to take. </p><p>“No, I must’ve caught a cold or something.”</p><p>“How would you have caught a cold if you’ve been on house arrest for the past day?” My eyes flicker between Zuko’s quickly, unable to focus because holy fuck he’s here again and clearly hasn’t grasped the reality of our position because he usually would blink and pull himself away because that’s what he always does when we get close. Do it. Do it now while we’re still here. My hand were clasped into fists, resting over my chest as Zuko planks above me and he’s so close that I could move my hands easily to pull him closer and transport us back to that small moment of time where nothing else mattered but the two of us. Slowly, I move my arms towards my sides to make this more comfortable but of course the universe never works in my favour and a distinct creak from downstairs signals to me that this was a mistake. Yi wouldn’t be downstairs, which means there’s only one alternative: Maou. I push Zuko off me quickly which is an easy task because he faltered with my change in deportment, practically rolling him under my bed and thank god there’s not some discarded bottles there. “Hey-!“</p><p>I smack my pointer finger against my lips briskly, motioning for him to shut the fuck up as I quickly try to hide any sign of Zuko being in my room. The packaging from our dessert was tossed out the window so Zuko could deal with it when he leaves, and I try to close the window but there’s not enough time as my door’s unlocked from the other side and forced open. I turn in a suspicious manner, resting my hands against the windowsill as if I was smoking moments before but I can’t hide my heaving chest as Maou steps inside as if he owns the place. Which, albeit true, he does but it always feels like an infringement of privacy. “So you’re finally home.” He spits as if I was away by choice, which I most definitely would be but I would’ve thought someone as connected as Maou would’ve had some sort of idea of the illegal happenings and made a hypothesis. Given, I don’t think Maou associates much with the Vultures but you’d think he’d know of their whereabouts or something along those lines.</p><p>“Regrettably so.” I hear Zuko stirring under my bed and I’m just praying that he doesn’t act of his own accord for once in his life and stays hiding. I’m not sure how Maou’s kept me around for so long because of his violent tendencies so I know he’d kill Zuko without hesitation. Maou’s upset, really fucking mad already so I can only imagine what he’s done to Yi since I was away. I’m going to kill Maou myself one of these days, once I’m in the ideal position. But it’s too soon now, I’d just be making things worse for myself so I should endure for longer. “Just say what you want, you never cared about me so what is it you want?” I know I’m giving Maou an attitude that’s going to end poorly for me but I can’t restrain myself from finding out what he wants this time. It’s not like my adoptive parents to be so concerned, not that Maou necessarily is, but I don’t want to play some little game of back and forth bickering. </p><p>“What I want?” Maou growls, storming forward and slapping me harshly across the face, nearly lifting me off the ground by the front of my tunic immediately after while I was weak from his attack. “Listen, you half-bred brat. You should be grateful I’ve even let you live this long and you don’t even have the decency to show me an ounce of respect.” His tone is venomous as he shakes me with nearly every word, evoking some kind of fear in me because Maou’s never been quite this close while holding back from a beating. “I own you, I’m the reason you’re still alive and I decide when you die.” My bottom’s lip quivering because he’s not lying, there’s no falter in his voice and he’s clearly restraining himself from strangling me on the spot. “You sicken me. You’re a goddamn parasite, just feeding off everything I give you and you pay me back by disappearing for a week where even my spies can’t find you.” It should be some consolation that I know he was looking for me but it just makes me feel more unsettled.</p><p>God why do I feel like crying? I never cry in front of Maou but maybe its the fact that I know Zuko’s watching this entire encounter happen without being able to say anything that makes me feel weaker in Maou’s grasp. My legs are still hovering over the ground, the tips of my toes barely touching for moments before he readjusts his grip to hold me higher. It doesn’t help that I’m right by an open window, because Maou could easily knock me back and then use his healers to put me back into some presentable state. It’s what he used to do, merely to test my limits but I’m still weakened from my captivity and I don’t know what Maou’s going to do so I just cry out something that could serve as my last words. “I didn’t exactly ask for you to keep me around in the first place, I didn’t ask for any of this!”</p><p>“I’m not the reason you exist!” Maou drags me across the floor towards my wall, shoving my back against it so sharply that everything on my desk rattles. He’s no longer fisting the front of my tunic, choosing to hold me up by his hand clenched around my throat. I want to scream or kick against him but I’m utterly defenceless and all I can do is squirm my legs against the wall. “I didn’t organise some Fire Nation invasion on your little tribe and make them rape some bitch!” I easily would call the woman I have to refer to as my mother by the same thing, but I’m so frustrated and terrified by Maou that I can’t find anything within me to resist or give some catty remark. I can’t look down towards my bed, that’d give Maou a clue to investigate and I never wanted Zuko to even know what Maou looks like. “I didn’t ask for some child on the brink of death to show up on my doorstep!” He spits against me quite literally and I try to lean my head to the side to avoid him, but his grip on my throat is too restricting. In a moment of readjustment I manage to cough out a response, something that came from the spur of the moment and makes me sound desperate.</p><p>“Then kill me if you hate me so much!” He narrows his eyes more, matching a tightening grip with raising me higher on the wall. Tears brim in my eyes as I rapidly gape my mouth open to swallow some sort of breath to keep me alive. After reading my expression in the dim lighting, Maou doesn’t necessarily soften but he eases his attack. He releases my throat instantly, not bothering to make my rapid decent to the ground any less painful as I collapse into a quivering mess. He watches as I cower into a ball, wrapping my own hands around my neck to tenderly press against the imminent bruise marks that’ll mark my oesophagus. Without another word or look of empathy, Maou walks towards my door as if he didn’t just try to kill me out of anger. His hand rests on the doorknob, turning back with an icy expression that’s somehow more terrifying than the entirety of his abuse.</p><p>“Don’t tempt me.” There’s a minute of silence as the door slams closed, where I’m catching my breath and clinging to my chest as if it’s about to split open. I’m burning up, it’s hot and it stings and I want to cry more but the tears won’t come, if they did they’d sting worse than the flames within. I’m choking out dry sobs and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep but I can’t sleep now, not after that. Zuko carefully army crawls out from under his refuge, sitting up and aggressively dusting himself off. He’s seething, the anger practically radiating off of him because he didn’t say anything or try to stop Maou from attacking me. But he knows me well enough to know that his interference would’ve overcomplicated things or made me in worse danger so he had to wait like a sitting duck. I’m sitting on my knees, still unmoving from my position against the wall and he immediately comes closer to console me.</p><p>Zuko doesn’t know what to do, he’s utterly petrified at his idleness. He wants to run and beat himself up over not doing anything but he’s my unofficial boyfriend. And as that confusing title, it’s his job to take care of me and protect me and support me in any way he can even if he couldn’t in the moment. Zuko needs to reassure me that he’s here for me, but can he even do it? He couldn’t face his fear to defend me in the moment, so how is he supposed to make me feel safe after forsaking me in my moment of crisis? Zuko’s legs are wobbly and he feels light-headed enough to have to wait for a moment with his hand on the wall to stop his vision from spinning before brushing his fingers against my back. I don’t know how to react because I figure Zuko assumed I needed a hug or some promise that he’ll take me away from Maou, hoping he could be my crying shoulder as we figure out my escape together. “Y/N,”</p><p>But instead, I flinch away with the contact. Zuko freezes again with an outstretched hand to sooth the muscles in my spine as I roll to the side to try to crawl away from him without looking at his face. It’s as if his touch is fire, that he burned me, that he hurt me. But he didn’t so I can’t understand why I’m acting so distant. “Please,” I say it more to the floor than to Zuko with a quiet and shallow voice, showing such vulnerability that I never thought I’d show again that just proves that I need someone to hold me and help me. And that someone is right here, but I won’t let him. “Just go.” Another sharp pain bursts inside my ribcage and my fingers start trembling, watching my vision blur as everything around me fades to black. Zuko doesn’t move, hell, he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. He wants to stay and be with me, to be there for me because we need each other as much as the other needs us. “Please go, Zuko.”</p><p>My hands are curled into fists at my sides with my gaze locked to the floor. I feel sick to my stomach, I’ve made it seem as if the presence of the person I’ve fallen in love with make me recoil in repugnance. And I’ve made him feel like I don’t want him at all. “You don’t want me here?” The words slip from Zuko’s mouth even though he hadn’t intended on saying them because they’re painful and poisonous and he’s terrified of what the answer will do to him. My hands fly to my face as I stumble back again, further from Zuko. I can’t be near him though I want to, I feel like I’m poisoning him and hurting him more but I can’t bear to have him see me bruised and abused and crying yet again.</p><p>“Go Zuko, I can’t do this right now.” I mumble into my hands, my voice thick with tears. Zuko stands there in silence, numb, watching me crumble into pieces before him while I refuse to let him help me pick up the parts. “Go,” I cry as the sound is muffled by my hands. Something inside me breaks, the emotion, the fear, the guilt, the misery, the pain, and the confusion all stops. My hands aren’t trembling anymore, my thoughts are blank, there’s nothing left, I don’t feel anything. I drop my hands, collapsing onto my bed in one swift movement and hoping that I can just become isolated at the mercy of myself. I’m a mess, an unlovable and complicated and inconsistent mess that isn’t deserving of someone like Zuko sticking around after I told him to get out of my life yet again. I’m dangerous, I’m not healthy, I’m not someone good for him. But Zuko doesn’t care.</p><p>Zuko scoots across my bed, resting his back against my wall and stares up at the ceiling with deep breaths because he’s shaken up from watching the attack and then my ultimate breakdown after. I’ve tried to look so strong for my friends, so indifferent to the pain but now Zuko’s seen me beaten and broken down twice within the past two days so that facades gone. My head’s buried in the mattress, pressing my face into tears that’ll make my eyes puffy tomorrow but they usually are these days so what difference does it make. I don’t want to move or wipe my tears but I’m limp as Zuko reaches forward and pulls me into his lap. He doesn’t say any kind words of assurance, barely does anything except watching the darkness of the night while I’m curled up like a small child in his arms. I cry against his chest, tears trickling down and wetting his uniform as I cling to him with desperation. “Stop telling me to go if you can’t handle yourself.” </p><p>“I’m sorry-“</p><p>“Don’t apologise, you didn’t do anything wrong.” He holds me closer with warm hands against my bare skin, his right hand holding the back of my neck in the opposite position that Maou did. There’s no force or restraining power in his touch, he takes care (whether unintentionally or not) to not put pressure against the bruises while carefully running his fingertips through my hair. “I should’ve done something, I can’t believe I was so stupid to just hide.” Zuko’s trying to put on a brave face for me but it’s breaking with each word. My throat’s too dry to give some words of assurance so I just pull him tighter, trying to force down my tears because I’ve been crying enough. “I’m going to kill that bastard if it’s the last thing I do.” Zuko gravely responds to my movement, his grip tighter in my hair with his words and it’s strangely comforting because I had nearly the same response to hearing about what Ozai did to him. Maybe that’s why he froze when Maou attacked me, it probably reminded him of his battle with Ozai or any of the times he was abused and overlooked by him.</p><p>“I’ll join you.” I laugh quietly, pulling myself away from Zuko so I can lay against my pillows and not make his back sore from the wall. We nestle together as we always do, cuddling with the other’s warmth and pretending that just maybe things could go back to how they were thirty minutes prior when I wasn’t crying on the floor. I don’t care that Maou and Zuko are in the house at the same time, Maou doesn’t come into my room twice in one night so I don’t have to worry about being interrupted. Zuko’s asleep before I am, or at least he pretends to be as if it would coax me into doing the same. I press my lips gently against the side of his cheek, particularly over the burned area before withdrawing to a comfortable position to shut my eyes and try to relax. Any suspicions I had of Zuko being awake are confirmed as he heats up with my kiss, which makes me smile softly with his reaction. So, for now, I can rest easy knowing I have the man of my dreams in my bed, flustered by my kiss, and promising that he’ll never leave again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You guys should listen to the love x heartbreak anniversary remix on soundcloud, i think it perfect encapsulates the unsure feelings of whether or not you like someone and the consequences of pursuing those feelings</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So if this wasn't already clear (and my apologies if it wasn't) this timeline doesn't exactly line up with the series' timing.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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